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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just listed all my character flaws and told me I need to be a better person.

51 replies

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 05/08/2012 10:02

A bit of background - I had a stress related breakdown a couple of years ago and am still in therapy to try to resolve a lot of the issues that led up to me being ill. It's not been easy, for either of us, but I thought we were coming out of the darkness.

One of my big issues is my family, particularly my mother, who treat me as the black sheep/ scapegoat. It's not great for the self esteem to be undermined all the time by those supposed to protect you! Recently my mother has behaved in an entirely unacceptable way and I am trying to process it (both on my own and with my therapist) and was discussing what we do practically with DH last night. He came out with "It's not my responsibility to come up with solutions to your fucking problems". What a charmer!

Understandably, that left me reeling and he has this morning presented me with a four page document outlining what's wrong with me - pessimism, sense of duty, guilt, low self esteem - and that he needs me to work on all of this to "break patterns of behaviour" (being sucked back into the family fold and getting upset, yes I want to stop this too) as my issues are affecting our marriage.

I am so upset, I know I have some problems but who doesn't? I would never tell him his problems were nothing to do with me - I thought that in a marriage we were a team, evidently not.

I don't know what to do now, I feel really alone and attacked by him.

OP posts:
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 05/08/2012 10:08

What a charmer he is.

You sound as if you are trying very hard to resolve the issues your past has left you with, has he always been this unsupportive or is last night a one off?

FalseStartered · 05/08/2012 10:08

4 page dossier?

1st off, roll this up into a ball and shove it up his arse!

do you talk with him or at him, OP? do you use him as a sounding board or a crutch? not accusing, just trying to find out about your relationship with him.

clam · 05/08/2012 10:11

Or you could say, "OK, how about we now discuss some of your failings, starting with you being an unsupportive arse?"

slartybartfast · 05/08/2012 10:11

do you think he has a point?
can you bring it up with your therapist?

pictish · 05/08/2012 10:12

Op - Im sorry you feel so abandoned by your dh. The four page print out certainly wasn't required.
Is your day tO day life often found focusing on the problems with your mum? Do you talk about it a lot?
Sorry for short answers I'm typing on my phone.

Original poster
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 05/08/2012 10:13

I think I talk to him rather than at him - it's just that we've been round in circles on this subject so many times and have tried so many solutions and still they aren't working. Hence the frustration from both of us.

He has history of not being supportive. When we were first together some of his friends took against me and sent emails to him saying how much they hated me and that we should split up. He tried to work out what I had done to offend them (nothing, they were wankers) and sat on the fence (indeed still does) rather than call them up on their behaviour.

Right now I'm feeling like an idiot for marrying him.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 05/08/2012 10:15

how would you feel if he wasnt around?

FalseStartered · 05/08/2012 10:15

does he talk to you about his frustrations?

laudinum · 05/08/2012 10:16

What a horrible, shitty thing to do to you.

You are trying your best to heal wounds and affirm your positive traits so this was a low blow.

I don't know what to suggest but he sounds like an impediment rather than an asset.

ladyWordy · 05/08/2012 10:16

I'm so sorry Foxtrot. 'The list' seems to be a theme on this board at the moment, and very cruel and pointless it is too.
Be assured there is nothing wrong with you. Please consider a look at the Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships thread, especially the resources at the top. Maybe it will ring bells about your DH. Among others...
Sending you a hug and a Brew

Original poster
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 05/08/2012 10:17

Yes he has a poit on some of the character things, but I'm working hard in therapy on them. And it's hardly going to improve self esteem issues having my low self esteem used as a stick to beat me with.

Re the mum thing, it has reared it's ugly head of late, and is a subject that comes up twice a year or so. It's just current at the moment and I need help in managing how she makes me feel - not being attacked for it.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 05/08/2012 10:18

He does not sound very supportive tbh. How long have you been married? What are his good points?

CaptainHetty · 05/08/2012 10:18

He gave you a four page document detailing your flaws... And thinks you're the one who needs to be a better person?

Seems to me step one would be to shove the document up his arse and tell him to take a good long look at himself first, he sounds delightful.

FalseStartered · 05/08/2012 10:19

please bin the list, unless it's a working document for him to refer to in supporting you, then it will serve no purpose other than make you feel worse than you already do

very aggressive action on his part, what an arse

Original poster
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 05/08/2012 10:23

We've been married four years.

He does have many good points, he's just not exhibiting them at the moment. He looked after me when I was ill and has really driven me in going into therapy. He's kind to some of my family, particularly the nephews and nieces, and we used to have lots of fun together - he got me through my darkest days. It just seems like that man isn't there anymore or I'm too much effort/trouble for him.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 05/08/2012 10:25

Speaking as somebody who has had mental health problems and family issues, I can say that yours is NOT a supportive marriage. Mine isn't perfect and there have certainly been times where we've been a bit too wrapped up in our own issues to fully support each other, but we wouldn't dream of criticising each other for our problems

pictish · 05/08/2012 10:27

Your husband can't really help you manage how you feel to be fair. Only you can do that because only you live inside your head.
It's a big ask of anyone - and will be even more elusive when looking to a man who frankly sounds like a right git.

I think you have high expectations of this tool.

DizzyKipper · 05/08/2012 10:30

What on earth does he think you're doing in therapy? Of course you've already acknowledged you have issues and are already trying to work through them, what he did was completely unnecessarily, cruel and certainly harmful to your self esteem.

Original poster
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 05/08/2012 10:31

You're right, pictish, though I've asked him for help with practical solutions to how we manage events rather than the feelings - I didn't phrase that well.

Feel a bit stuck.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 05/08/2012 10:33

I think hes probably one of the reasons for your problems.

Squeegle · 05/08/2012 10:41

Well, I suppose the only way that he could be helpful and supportive is to be constructive about some of the things that you struggle with. Agreed he is not going to be able to solve your problems, but his role is to make you feel better about solving them yourself. If he's not up to that job, it would probably be easier if he just left you to it- by that I mean didn't bombard you with annoying lists of your faults!

Maybe you could say that to him. Admittedly he may be feeling the pressure, however he must know, if he has any empathy at all, that this is unlikely to have a good outcome....

FalseStartered · 05/08/2012 10:46

IMO you're feeling stuck because he's not helping you move on, does he ever list your good points?

i very much doubt it

have you binned that list yet?

ChitchatAtHome · 05/08/2012 10:46

Ask him to come up with an equally large list of all your positive points - and then tell him if he can't, there's the fucking door and don't let it hit your backside as you leave!!!!

So angry on your behalf!!!

needsomeperspective · 05/08/2012 10:58

Not trying to justify what your husband did because I think its a really mean awful thing to do, but living with a spouse with mental health problems who is stuck in a pattern of constantly negative thinking is very very draining and difficult. My DH is a nightmare o live with when not taking his meds and even when he does take them his default setting is worry, pessimism and anxiousness. I find it wearing in the extreme and we have discussed before how I would really really like him to try to work on that aspect of himself. I DO sometimes find myself almost mentally cataloging the things that I feel impact our marriage and my own happiness. It's natural I think. But I try to focus on aspects of behavior rather than attack his character.

The list was a bad way to go about it but this might be a warning sign that he is reaching a point where the negative aspects of the marriage are perilously close to outweighing the positive aspects. If he doesn't see light at the end of the tunnel and a foreseeable improvement in the situation it's difficult to stay.

Badly as he has dealt with this it sounds like you need to have a serious and honest discussion about both of your states of mind and what you each need from the other.

It sounds awful to say but in my experience of PND mental earth problems tend to make you very self focused. Sometimes mired in your own shadows you don't fully appreciate the effect of your issues on those around you.

pictish · 05/08/2012 11:47

Very tactfully and honestly put there Perspective.