Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Useful things to repeat, please!

27 replies

NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 12:29

Due to DV, my relationship is over. We're still sharing a house until things are sorted, but in the meantime I could do with any suggestions on how to cope...

I still get regular interrogations about who said what/what I meant/why I'm doing things and I just don't seem to be able to defend myself! I'm constantly accused of lying, and keep trying to prove I'm not, when I KNOW I should just not engage.

But I don't hate him, and want to remain civil - so how do I just not engage with this nitpicking, swearing and namecalling that he does without being rude or nasty back?

I've done well at not attacking him so far - I've told him his behaviour is so unacceptable that we cannot continue, but I've not done any character assassination, provoking comments, unfair accusations, downright lies, swearing, spitefulness - any, in fact, of the things he has been saying to me. I want to keep it that way, but could really do with some phrases to remember instead of getting sucked in to justifying myself all the time when he's being particularly unpleasant.

Any offers? Many thanks in advance...

OP posts:
NagooingForGold · 04/08/2012 12:41

why do you need to engage at all? Are there DC involved.

sparklekitty · 04/08/2012 12:46

How about 'I am not discussing this with you' or 'I am not engaging in this' then leave the room. I think you're right in that you need a phrase or two that you simply repeat. It might wind him up the first few times but he'll soon understand that he can't get anywhere with you and it stops you being drawn in.

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 12:59

Thanks, Sparkle. We've had a few comedy trundles around the house when he just follows and repeats, follows and repeats... I just want something that will eventually sink in!

No DC, Nagoo, but for various financial and work reasons, he is here until the end of the month. One more incident and the police have promised to take him away regardless, so should be OK on that front. I don't want to descend to his level, but I don't know what phrases to use that will make it clear I'm not getting into any discussions!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 13:17

"You have no right to that information and I'm in no mood to volunteer it."

ladyWordy · 04/08/2012 14:42

Something to say to yourself first: 'I cannot reason with an unreasonable person.' Because you can't, and you can drive yourself mad trying, as you already know...

After that, a few thoughts:

1 - Try silence. No answer. Not stonewalling, but at the very least reduce the number of responses, and the number of words in the responses.
Sometimes it helps people just to hear themselves speaking (for good or bad reasons).

Then?
2 - I don't really want to talk about that
3- Yes, I heard you. I don't want to talk about that.
4 - Perhaps.
5 - Mm hmmm.
6 - I see.

So I tend toward the humouring unreasonable person approach.

If desperate, you might also try some diversion, such as what did you think about the x sporting event? How did work go?

The point being to keep him talking, and off your case, until he's out of there. Only you can judge if that would result in more trouble, or less, though. :(

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 20:41

Garn. Well, the 'not discussing it' only means I'm a cruel heartless liar who never loved him.

Prolonging is a bad plan because I lose my good intentions and start denying whatever he is saying. Just now, for instance - for the third time of asking (today, that is, not in general...) - I AM NOT SEEING ANYONE ELSE!!!!!! Sigh.

Funny how he's not a cruel heartless liar for cheating on me, or shoving me around, or calling me a nasty bitch for 4 drunken hours in a row... no, no, that'd be me, who's never so much as called him a wanker.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2012 20:54

Try 'Whatever' in a calm voice, repeated endlessly, and walking away. Because he's a knob and his opinion doesn't matter and there is nothing of interest in what he has to say, so just 'Whatever' and walk off.
If this provokes him to aggression then call the police and have him removed once and for all.

ladyWordy · 04/08/2012 20:59

It sounds awful. :( Is there any way you can get yourself out of the house before the end of the month, if only temporarily.

You should not have to put up with non-stop emotional abuse, while on tenterhooks waiting for physical abuse. The stress would be intense.

What about a word with Women's Aid, maybe they could advise on what to do? Emotional abuse matters as much as physical.

His ramblings are those of a sick person rather than someone who has any idea of what he is talking about. It's drivel - and your fortitude in the face of it is admirable, but I wish you could get out of there.

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 21:01

don't repeat yourself - how about "You've already made your mind up, nothing I could say could change that so i'm not going to waste my breath."

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 21:18

"I can't think of a positive reply to that remark."
followed by
"nor that one"

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 21:34

Quote, that made me laugh!

Solid, worth a try. Police have been twice now, so 3rd time and he'll be out regardless of the fact he's nowhere to go and no money to stay there, because yes, lady it is incredibly stressful never knowing when he's going to start or what the topic will be! And there is no reason I can think why he should be allowed to do this anymore. I'm upset and I'm not trying to drive him crazy, just keep my distance. More practice than fortitude I think.

(Having said that, he's all over Mumsnet looking for things I say, so this will count as provocation).

Don't, I like the sense of that - an 'I can't reason with you so I'm not going to try to' might work. At least, it might not have the desired effect on him, but it will give me something to cling to rather than getting dragged into denying/justifying myself for the billionth time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 21:37

Sorry, that was a bit garbled:

I meant I'm upset but not using that as an excuse to fling crap at him.

And

I don't know if it's fortitude so much as practice. All I have to do is keep doing whatever it is for just a bit longer, and then I can examine my somewhat battered personality at leisure.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 22:16

Yep, once you're denying what you've been accused of, you've already lost that 'battle'.

TheSilverPussycat · 04/08/2012 22:32

Practise saying some of your chosen phrases out loud somewhere. This makes it easier for them to trip off your tongue at the appropriate time.

Think to yourself (as I did) 'there won't be much more of this to put up with, he'll be gone soon'.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/08/2012 22:38

He knows you haven't done any of that stuff. It took me oh, such a long time to realise... He knows perfectly well what you're like, that's why he's so good at pressing your buttons. He knows you're not seeing anyone else, but he also knows the accusation gets you all indignant.

After all, he is the one who is on notice that if he misbehaves the police will take him away - not you. He can't hit you with fists so he's trying to do it with words instead. That's kind of pathetic, don't you think? Every ridiculous accusation says a lot more about him than it does about you. He's frantically mashing those buttons - and suddenly, quite soon, the buttons will wear out altogether and you'll stop caring whatever rubbish he spouts, because you know that he knows that you know it's nonsense. He might just as well say the sky is pink. Why get into an argument about it? If he sees pink, good luck to him.

In the meanwhile, SGB's "whatever" is a good response (or, more to the point, non-response). My sister taught me that one when my sanity was being badly affected by living with a soon-to-be-ex. I find it extremely difficult not to argue back when unjustly accused, but that was what the bugger wanted - some attention, even if negative, like a whiny toddler only scarier. Not arguing back had him mightily confused.

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 22:47

Hey, Silver, I've braved it back into public Grin

I think it's because as Annie says, the buttons are wearing out. Especially after the other night, i just thought what is the use of speaking. In his head his reasons are valid (stress, mistake etc) for his behaviour, and there just is no room in there for him to consider that his anger and spite have longer lasting effects after he has apologised. So if I am still upset, then it must be something to do with me, like never having cared, or having an affair, or whatever. Which is good, because then I'm the bad person and his anger is justified because 'he always knew' it must have been me causing him to be so 'upset'. Anything rather than reflect on the consequences of his own actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 22:54

Oh, and just to be clear, for when he finds this (or I'll be told I'm telling lies to people about him...) - he has never hit me with fists, 'just' shoved me about. He still thinks this is less... culpable... but frankly having a bloke twice as large as you are screaming in your face and shoving you around is still a) a criminal act in the eyes of the law, b) a violent act, and c) effing scary. Whether his fingers were curled or straight is irrelevant.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2012 22:54

NMNW: Do bear in mind that him having nowhere to go is not your problem. It's his fault, because he's been an arsehole. Let the police take him away.

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 04/08/2012 23:11

I know it's not my problem, Solid, and if he had enough money to get somewhere to go we wouldn't be doing this. But he hasn't, and so I feel it's only right to give him some time to get himself sorted out. Obviously, if he blows that time and does nothing to help himself, then I won't feel the need to back down and give him more time, since he wouldn't use that either. And if he behaves like he did the other day again, then the deal is off in any case.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2012 01:18

I don't get why you're giving this slobbering, knuckledragging ringpiece any consideration at all. He shouts at you and pushes you around; serves him ribht if he ends up sleeping under a bridge. Just get him gone.

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 05/08/2012 08:33

Because I did love him very much before all this spiralled out of control, Solid. Because I'm distraught about what has happened to our relationship and to him (and to me), but I don't hate him. He is miserable too - the fact that his character means he cannot deal with stress except in destructive ways means we have to split, but I don't have to put the boot in as he goes.

OP posts:
something2say · 05/08/2012 08:59

Hiya, I'm a DV professional and would advise you either go into another room or go out.

Sad I know. Who wants to have to go out on a Sunday night???

Can you arrange overnights with people / friends? Can you go to the cinema at least one night a week on your own? Can you get into bed with books and films?

This is a finite length of time yes? He is not going to be the one to keep you safe - YOU are going to have to do that. What do you think you can say that is going to change him?

Forget it. Take responsibility yourself. If he follows, leave. Get the bag packed, have the friend / place primed and go.

Sad i know. But this is why you are leaving. Asbestos in the roof. If you go in, it will harm you, that is its' nature. x

solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2012 11:34

Thing is, the man you loved doesn't exist. The real man is this obnoxious selfish bully.

Original poster
NoMoreNotNever · 08/08/2012 16:19

But he did exist, Solid. He obviously can be kind, funny, thoughtful and enthusiastic. Just as he can obviously behave like the worst kind of man. Since he can be both, it has been very hard to accept that he chooses not to be the former. He would say he doesn't choose; that he can't help it. Yet when he is trying to made amends he blatantly is in control of his reactions. Just most of the time he doesn't take it seriously enough to make the sustained effort. That's why it's over.

OP posts:
Lueji · 08/08/2012 16:46

I'd go with "none of your business" "we are separated" "you have your life and I have mine" "when are you going to move out?" "if you touch me again I'll call the police"