How can I save my marriage?

[Leoney]

I have to apologise for the name change but know so many people on here in RL and no one knows about this.
I've been married to my DH for 7 years and he is a genuinely lovely bloke. We have one child who's 14 months. My problem is that I'm not sure if I love him anymore. I very much like him, it's not like I hate him, he's a brilliant Dad and a very considerate husband so why do I not feel the way I used to?
My mind starts to wander to other blokes I know (not that I would do anything, it's more like a mental escape iyswim) and I feel horribly guilty that I don't seem to be happy with what I've got.
What can I do to spark things off again or am I doomed (admittedly by myself) to a marriage I'm not happy with?

anyone?

Do you manage to spend time together?

Or has the rest of your life and the kids got in the way?

That's the thing that worries me most kif, he actively makes time to spend with us. I suppose when it is just the two of us though I do tend to just sit on the sofa and watch tv as I'm knackered.

So is there things you don't do now that you used too,and wishes you did.
Do you make time for each other. Can you get a baby sitter once a month and go out just the two of you.
I'm guessing he doesn't know how you are feeling at the momment.
I think sometimes in a marriage things can go stale and you get into a rut.

That's exactly it heavenis, nothing has happened it's just as if I'm bored - god that sounds terrible.
We've been together forever and to be honest we've never been big on going out, but I used to enjoy sitting at home with him, now I don't so much but don't know if I'd feel any better if we went out iyswim.

So what about having something to do on your own,giving yourself some "you" time.

Do you think that would help? I have recently enjoyed going away with work for a night. I always feel so guilty leaving Dd though.

It's a tricky one.

I find that now I'm a mum, the home is almost my place of work. I'm constantly running around cleaning, cooking etc. Dh is almost surprised when i just sit and talk!

My Dd is 23 months - and a real Daddy's girl. Lovely when we spend time as a family - but it's not quite the same thing as spending time as a couple, because Dd monopolises Dh attention - and he doesn't like having two converstations at once.

Did you feel isolated after the baby? Have you gone back to work and now have no time?

i think having a bay is a big change - and even the best parents can risk turning from 'lovers' to 'partners in parenting'.

I don't think that's the best thing for anyone in the long run - so well done to you for trying to fix things early,

I was SP for first 2 years of DD life, it is very hard in every aspect. Playing devil's advocate, If you separate can you handle bringing up your child alone? Can you deal with the guilt of 'depriving' your child of what you describe as a brilliant dad?

Kif, that sounds so familiar, Dd is a daddy's girl too - I sometimes feel a bit sidelined if I'm honest.
I was really lucky to meet a great group of girls just after I had Dd so I wasn't isolated at all.
I've returened to work part time but feel I'm neither a Mum or a worker as I don't do either full time - if that makes any sense.
Partners in parenting is a good way to put it! I know marriages are not plain sailing and they need working at, I suppose I just can't think how I'm going to do that. I feel so tired that the thought of going out for a meal is more chore than it is pleasure

No lasvegas, I couldn't and splitting is not an option as far as I'm concerned, I see this as purely my problem and I could not draw Dd into that Dd especially as her Dad is wonderful.....so what on earth is wrong with me?

Oh anniemac, if only he would fight, he's just so laid back it's annoying on ocassion!

Hi marrage can sometimes be really hard work esp when you have kids...but the best thing you could ever do for you child is love your husband and make him the most inportant person in your life,which isn't the easyest thing to always do . can recommend some books i have found really helpful:- the sixty minute marriage by Rob parsons also the five love languages by gary chapman, have personally found them really helpful. also another great book is child rearing for fun by ann atkins, has some ggod stuff on marrage.

I think as you said you don't feel that you are doing either your paid job or being at home. Would you like to stay at home and if so would it be to manage money wise.
Or if you still want to do both,do you need more help around the house.
I do think that time to yourself is important even if it's just half an hour a week. Your dd will enjoy time with her dad.

Divorce is horrible. However hard it is to maintain a healthy relationship with a live-in DH - it takes ten times more effort and tact to manage a relationship with x-DH when kids are involved.

I think 'in-love' can be a false friend. Baby is stressful and all-consuming - and I think the stresses often spill into the paretns relationship. However, i don't think that is much of an indicator of prospects for long term happiness.

In your shoes - feeling like you did - I'd prioritise 'marriage saving' as an investment in the future for you and your kid. 'Marriage saving' being euphimism for getting a babysitter so you can go out, visiting in-laws and using the chance to leave the kid and go on a short break, getting a takeaway so you can have a nioght off cooking...

What has worked well for me and DH (dangerously cheesy - beware) is to make Monday night 'date night'. We don't actually go out anywhere, but I make sure i dress up, wear make up and jewellery, and serve dinner properly at the table with napkins and stuff. He comes home wearing a tie, on time, and generally bearing gifts! It got us past a dry patch in the bd department - we both knew that the night was special, so neither of us ever came home with 'headaches' or 'chores' - and it was (in a cheesy way) lots of fun to get excited and dress up and stuff.

I feel so tired ....

I think this is part of the problem - having young kids around (and combining it with working makes it worse) - is just plane exhausting - all you want to do in the evening is vegetate.

I presume he probably feels equally tired and so is not pushing to be doing anything else.

Can you just do a bit more togetherness in the evening - eg a cuddle on the sofa while watching tv.

From your DHs point of view, I bet he actually tries to be laid back, and easy to get on with in consideration to you and the kids.

He sounds like a nice bloke - definitely like someone who would go along with whatever schemes you had to put the spark back in the marriage.

Thank you, this is all good stuff for me to think about and it helps to know I'm not the only one who has been through this. I shall certainly look up one or two of those books and a date night seems like a good plan - as long as he doesn't just laugh at me (sorry, nothing against the idea, I think it's brilliant but Dh doesn't take life majorly seriously!) He certainly doesn't push for anything else, so maybe the rut is more mutual than I at first thought.

I think Kif is right. If you still like your dh and he is a good Dad - I would try to re-spark your marriage.
Divorce is vile & getting support & money out of an ex-husband can be a lifelong uphill struggle.
What makes you think it would be so easy to snare another partner who wants to take on you and your daughter?
Perhaps you are just taking him for granted. Get him to go away for a weekend or even a week on business or something & see how much you enjoy being a single mum - could just make you feel fonder of him!!!

Oh no bugsy, please don't get the wrong idea, I wouldn't dream of divorcing him and I have no doubt that another bloke wouldn't look twice! It's definitely the spark I'm looking for, not a newer model!

Date night - definitely best approached with a sense of humour.

Since it's in the comfort of your own home (and the kids are asleep), you can have a bit of fun with dressing up OTT.

It just works as a flag for focussing on each other.

To clarify - not dressing up in an icky way.

Just we tend to go out to 'denim dress code' type of places in RL. I don't wear jewelerry of heels in RL much - baby grabs jewelerry and high heels not practical.

That kind of stuff.

Good for the self esteem to spend time in front of a mirror getting ready ('I'm worth it' kind of attitude).

DH loves date night - he's a simple soul who likes to know how to behave to make me happy.

Leoney, I have felt exactly the same in the past and I would say there is some great advice on here, the date night thing sounds great.

i know someone advised against time out alone but I actually think this, coupled with date night type stuff at home, is very healthy - if you're out doing something you like you become a more 'buzzed' person and this can't hurt life at home.

But the main thing I think is to remember that these feelings will pass and you will rediscover more intense feelings - not the buzz of being newly in love as that never comes back but I think it gets better because you can feel passionately about your long term partner and also have all the comforts of knowing them completely, and having a child with them. Just give it time and a bit off effort and I'm sure it will come back.

And don't look to the relationship to make you happy. Make yourself happy and the relationship will follow along to an extent I believe.