Just looking for some advice - minor problem but sad

[Handmer]

I've just been burnt by a short fling, but feel quite upset. In a way, I'd just like some thoughts on what happened and how I behaved.

I met a woman at a conference (I'm a man) in the US. She is from an Eastern European country, and will be there all summer, but lives in the US. At the end of the two week conference, we get on so well, we're in the infatuation stage, and we both begin to talk (stupidly) about love. We agree that I'll fly to visit her for a week to see how we get on. As I'm about to leave for the airport, she emails me to tell me she still has feelings for an ex. I'm perturbed to say the least but she says she still wants me to come. I fly over there, and it's a bit awkward. We're staying with her parents who speak no English, I don't speak their language (other than thank you, please, etc). In the week together, we spent an awful lot of time with her parents which I found a little difficult because I couldn't communicate. We go to a wedding together, and I'm presented as the new boyfriend, even though I know the ex story. We did do some really nice things together and were intimate with each other.

At the end, we agree to have some time to think, but we leave with hugs and kisses. On my return, we skype, and she tells me she thought I was ungenerous and an ungrateful guest. I'd really tried to be a good guest, bringing gifts for her and her family. The lack of generosity referred to two incidents where I allowed her to pay for coffee, which I wouldn't even think of as a problem, as I'd paid for coffee on other occasions. I feel quite hurt thinking I'd put a lot of effort going to visit her and that spent a fair bit of money to do so. I think the trip was sabotaged by her revelation about her ex, so to appear to blame me seems rather unfair (BTW, I didn't accuse her of this, it's just something I've thought since).

I know I should just chalk it up to experience, but I'm in the tender stage and would just welcome some advice. Did I behave badly on the trip?

You my friend have had a lucky escape, Gold digger written all over this

It doesn't sound like you behaved very badly to me. In fact; she, uhm, started it.

I'd cut contact and chalk this up to experience.

Now I ain't sayin she a gold digga, but she ain't messin wid no broke fella.

Kanye West has the answer to this little problem me thinks.

Thanks, that's what a friend said to me, although in the US she does have a pretty well paid job - earning more than me I think. I'm beginning to think I did have a lucky escape.

The coffee thing could just be a cultural faux pas on my part.

I think your card was marked when you got on the plane in spite of the 'feelings for ex' message. She didn't want you to visit and now she's being unreasonable. Oh well.... plenty more fish.

Think yourself lucky to have escaped with both pockets still in tact.

As I'm about to leave for the airport, she emails me to tell me she still has feelings for an ex

She clearly had doubts but didn't give you a really honest appraisal. (Why would someone still invite you to visit at great expense and put up such barriers?)

You weren't ungenerous or ungrateful as a guest. She is now finding more excuses and re-writing history.

Walk away - block her from communication - and look for someone else who is not a gold digger so demanding.

I'd have been naturally upset if she just said we weren't well matched, but to accuse me of the other things has made me think she's not that great a person. It was completely unnecessary.

I'm trying desperately to see things from her side and how I could have been rude or whatever, but I just can't see it.

'I'm trying desperately to see things from her side and how I could have been rude or whatever, but I just can't see it'

Doesn't sound like you were rude in the slightest. You sound lovely, very generous and warm-hearted. I understand you feeling sad and let-down though. I would try to put this down to a lucky escape and stop communicating with her. You can do better than this!

This is how she saw it from her side.... 'Oh dear, he didn't take the hint about the ex. If I'm horrible to him when he goes home, maybe he'll get the message'

I was definitely a bit daft there, Cogito, but I was literally suitcase packed and on the train headed to the airport. Oh well, live and learn,

Thanks Lotta

I think telling you as you were literally en route to catch a transatlantic flight that she still had feelings for her ex is INCREDIBLY rude and ungenerous of her, actually!

I travel to the US a lot to visit a guy I'm seeing and if he did that to me, after I had made all of the arrangements necessary to make such a trip, I would absolutely furious, and would certainly want nothing more to do with him.

I would bin her off and put it down to experience. Aside from being rude and flaky, do you really want to be with someone who holds such warped views of money, who expects you to pay for everything?

Just, I agree that what she did was pretty rude, and I don't think I'll be having much more to do with her - it's just that I'm still smarting. There does seem to be a consensus that I've just been a bit of a fool

I think the gold digger comments are way off beam. Is this just because she's from an eastern European background? OP has stated that she has a higher earning job than him in the US.

It does sound like she got cold feet after the conference but wasn't socially adept enough to put you off properly - hence the ex thing.

Looking back, did she sound at all keen for you to visit or just lacking the ability to let you down gently?

Once you arrived, it sounds like she tried to make a go of things but has decided not to pursue things now you've left.
The coffee thing just sounds like a classic minor peg to hang her feelings on.
The way she's gone about this has been childish and disrespectful to you but I don't think there was very much there in the first place.

Why did you go and stay with her after she confessed to feelings for her ex?

Not having a go, just curious.

My relative married an eastern European girl living and working (good job) in the UK. As soon as they were married he found he was expected to support her extended family - he even had to buy houses for her parents and her cousins. It has all ended badly - he is now divorcing, financially ruined and with limited access to his beloved DD.
I'm certainly not saying your situation was the same ... But it makes me wonder if there was an ulterior motive.

Just realised you were packed and ready to go. I'd still have cancelled though.
Flying to a country where I don't speak the language to stay with someone's family after flirting at a conference is quit keen tbh. Doing so when they've told you they are still hung up on an ex is leaving yourself open to getting singed.

She has been shit but I wonder if maybe you were too keen to read the situation as you wanted it to be.

From the perspective of not being hurt again, it may be better to revise how you approach things.

Hope you're feeling better soon and meet someone who is free to be wholeheartedly involved with you.

OP, you sound lovely. There are lots of lovely-sounding women on MN having a nightmare online dating. You should make some friends on here and forget this nutjob!

All you need to know is that you were not rude and ungrateful. She is though.

I don't think you have been a bit of a fool at all! And you did nothing wrong (other than perhaps risking the visit knowing she'd sent that email)

However, sometimes in life the risks are worth taking so, don't beat yourself up about this one.

move on, my friend. There are plenty nicer out there.

Thanks for all the advice. I don't really think she's a bad person, just that she got herself in a difficult situation and didn't deal with it very well, leading to more hurt for everyone.

I knew it was a risk, which I thought was worth taking. It could have been, but I've learnt.

(PS, I really don't think there was an ulterior financial motive, she is well-paid and successful in her own field)

So was the woman my relative married.
Just saying.

As others have said, she had her doubts anyway (what with the ex) and having you visit her country and relatives might well have given her an accelerated insight into you not quite fitting with what she wants and feels comfortable with.

It was pretty graceless of her to try and turn that into your fault (why she couldn't just say she didn't feel right about the relationship is anyone's guess). But in my view a fling that ends quickly will be a much nicer memory for you than a long and crappy relationship, so she may well have done you a favour in the end.

Onto the next one, I reckon...

I went to an Eastern European country for study, and did some cultural studies as well. I was quite flabbergasted about behaviour that they accepted as completely normal. If they holiday away, they buy extravagant souvenirs for all of their friends and family, and I mean ALL.

I suspect you were supposed to be similarly over the top with gifts to her and her family.

I also suspect that the revelation of feelings for the ex was supposed to spur you into dramatic action, showering her with gifts, showing her that you deserved her far more than the other guy by taking her to expensive restaurants, showing her and her family just how much you valued her by flashing your money around. She was playing a game, you didn't play your part by throwing your money around to impress her and so you offended her.

Seriously, you are better off out of it. If she still has this mindset and she is living in the US she will always have this type of odd mindset - a very difficult cultural barrier to cross.

I think the most charitable conclusion I can come to is that she was a bit mixed up about her ex, made a mistake in not making things clear to me before hand. I might have committed a few faux pas in not understanding her culture, but the whole situation was incredibly difficult and anyone would have struggled in that situation.

Onwards and upwards. Thanks

Vanessa