That's it - I'm off!!

[MeenaQ]

I'm a regular ( when time permits) have name changed.

Just discovered more texts on oh phone. This happened last year- he swore it was just flirting and it wouldn't happen again.
Same girl, same kinda thing. It's a work colleague of his.

They are disguised under his male friends name but I'm pretty certain ( crossed checked with Facebook) they are from her.
So this time I'm gonna go but im gonna need to plan.
We are due to go away fora few nights next week, staying in uk. So my plan is to leave with 3 kids the day before, before he gets home from work.

I shall leave him with a message and arrange an estate agent to visit to sort out getting house on market. Whilst I'm gone I'll expect him to get his stuff out and sod off.
Where do I go? We're supposed to be away with his family. Do I still go with them and let him explain his absence? Do I go in the opposite direction?
I always thought if this happened I would have my family but recent events mean I don't want to go there. I overheard my mum talking to him and saying how she knew I was a lazy bitch who does nothing whilst he does everything. This is certainly not the case. Whilst he does his fair share, I do all the cleaning, washing, paperwork stuff, shopping, organising, reminding. He does most of the cooking and a bit of ironing. After nagging he'll sort car out.

Very sad today but can't have him lying to me like this anymore. The children will be devastated but I can't let myself be used like this.

Any help, words of advice, encouragement great fully received. How will I manage mortgage? Afford to live? What help can I get? I work part time- about20 hours.

Off now but will be back later

Are you able to say roughly which country you're living in OP? Big concern is your rights if you're not in the EU and also the laws that apply to taking your children from one country to another, both within the EU and outside it.

You need a solicitor. Is the UK your main home? Why do you leave the house? Are you planning on hiding while he goes back to another country? Why not ask him to leave? And stay in the family home? My understanding is that it can be hard to get the home back if you leave it.

not sure you can just take kids from their country of residence where dad stays behind - you need to consult a family lawyer

is there nothing what keeps you where you are now but this relationship?
wht aboutr your kids - how old are they?

Why should you leave the family home? Why not put his stuff on the front lawn and tell him to sod off to his family in the UK. There is no reason you should make yourself and the DCs homeless because of his cheating ways. While he is away it will give you a chance to sort your head and home out and come to terms with what is happening.

We live in the uk. Sorry for confusion. I'm gonna leave for a few days with kids and tell him to get out whilst we're gone. He won't take the house. He won't play nasty.

He will be upset and ashamed. Last year he swore it was just flirting. He has carefully deleted all texts since but didn't yesterday. Has probably been ongoing. Only indicates flirting in discovered texts- reference to waiting forever and owing kisses. Workplace is restricted so would be difficult to do much.

Make him leave, don't disrupt your children's living arrangements if you don't have to. Just tell him you know about the texts, its over, no games - he has until the weekend, or whatever day you choose to move out. Get a solicitor.

No we are due to go on holiday next week so I'm planning to pack as normal but while is is at work on his last day I shall go without him. A day early.

I can't do anything til next week as I'm working and can't afford to miss it. I will also be stuck for childcare when he goes so this will give me chance to get something sorted.

I think if you want him to leave do everything properly. In the end you are going to tell his family - they will be on your side (if not - they aren't worth your time).

Is it worth disturbing your kids life/schooling? They will miss their dad and if you on to of that will add moving to a new place it woll be mcuh harder on all 4 of you.

I'm not gonna move away. I'm gonna take my children on their planned holiday but leave a day early. I don't think he'll follow but if I can find a cheap deal I'll book that do he can't find us. We will have to sell the house as I won't be able to afford it alone but it could take a while. I will stay local as I don't want to disrupt the children. I'll also need to continue working and find another job.

good plan :)

he has to contribute towards the kids.... would that not be enough to keep the mortgage going?

If he isn't going to be nasty about it why sneak around?
Tell him he's been caught and its over.
I'm about the holiday arrangements - are you going away with his family without him? Surely he will know where you are?
Or am I being thick?

We're supposed to be going with them- if I still go then he'll know but I don't think he'll come.

If I find somewhere else, which I'm working on, then he obviously won't.

I'd love to chuck him out right now but id be stuck for childcare next week so couldn't work.

And I might be able to get more proof. More idea of what's going on....

What if he changes the locks whilst you're away? Or moves the colleague in?

I'd be careful. And I'm going to say this and risk being flamed... I TOTALLY support your decision to call it a day. Not surprised at all.

But in z way, this all sounds, almost...boys own-type exciting? But not in the way it should? I felt you are almost rejoicing in what you are doing?

I may well have misread, fully prepared to stand corrected.... But all the same - the cold reality of you walking out like this, leaving him the wide open goal of access to your house, belongings, door locks.... Shit, I'd be REALLY careful. Are you totally, utterly 100% sure he won't play nasty? The ow may talk all kinds of venom into his eat whilst YOU ARE ABROAD. Christ... Do be careful here.

Whoops, sorry. You're staying in UK, aren't you...all the same, my alarm bells are still ringing!

I'm certainly not rejoicing in all this. My family torn apart, my relationship over, my children from a broken home.
For me, for them it's and I guess for him this is/will be a shock.

I am assuming he has been covering his tracks now for almost a year at least.....
He wont play dirty- he won't move her in. She's 20. A silly little flirty 20 year old. I'm not sure he'll leave easily and he will have a real hard time admitting anything to his family I think.

I found this out this morning. Up until now he's covered his tracks well bar a couple of blips that raised suspicion.
I'm trying to be logical and do what will impact the children the least. If that is in anyway possible. Due to work, childcare I need to act at the right time.

I'm heart broken. I'm in shock. And just wanting to vent/ cry/ have a hug from someone but no one to turn to in rl

I can see Lost how I have come across but it really wasn't my intention.

I started this thread soon after seeing the messages this morning and wasn't thinking straight. My head is all over the place. He has gone to work now.

I can't be sure and it's difficult to explain but this could all just be flirty texts. This us what he claimed last time and what I suspected they amounted to. However I can't let him get away with it again - it'll never end- and who knows it could be so much more.

Time wise I pretty much know where he is all the time and there isn't much he could do at work.

I could lock him out tonight when he gets home but I'm exhausted and not sure I want to give him a chance to talk me round. It'll also be obvious I've looked at his phone to check up on him.

It's only 10 months since last time. Then our relationship was at an all time low but since then I thought we were back on track. Obviously not.

I'm angry. I want to hurt him, humiliate him -like he's doing to me.

I don't think I can say what I want to say to his face.
If he comes home to an empty house he'll be confused and then the reality will hit him.

Oh I don't know. I don't know what to do. But it's got to be over hasn't it.

He's never gonna change. I guess if it's not this girl it'll be another. And if it's harmless why the name change for this girls number?

Why do it? These gorgeous children, our history, our future so much he's shattered for some silly girl who probably wont even want him by Christmas.

/hugs

Are you going to be able to hold it together until next week? It is going to be very stressful.

Sometimes you have to say enough is enough

I honestly don't know. I don't think so but I don't want to end it. I just don't know how I'll cope. Financially, emotionally..... The children adore him. Because of them I'd still see him, he'd move on easily. If not her then someone else.
My stomach is in knots.

do you want a proof?
pretend his phone got lost during weekend...
put it on silent, by the time you are ready to dispose of it - you are likely to see few more messages - if you won't then perhaps it's only silly games they play (I think they shouldn't anyway)

If you can see any of her texts on his phone, do forward them to yours in case you need proof.

You are right about him doing this again and again in future,

If you are unsure then I think you should lie low and keep an eye on him till you find concrete proof of what is going on.
Then you will have all the facts and make a more informed choice about the future.
I'm so sorry - I've been there. I know how it feels
have some and a !

Thanks for all the replies.

I took copies yesterday of the texts and had a good look at her fb last night. Oh leaves his open and do could get full access. She appears very much a single girl with only a few references made to love interests. Obviously she doesn't know I can access it so wouldn't need to hide anything from me. There are a few things but they are work colleagues- same company, different departments but often work together.

The texts have gone from his phone but he called her as he finished work last night. She didn't answer- I think she'd finished early.

I think this could all be a silly flirtation between them. That doesn't make it ok. There is probably a dozen guys with messages like this from her. The nights out that she has had, he has been home. When he's been out it looks like she hasnt. He has only been out twice I think this year. He leaves for work, does his set shift and arrives home soon after the end of it. No overtime. Whilst at work all areas are communal. I'm not sure they would get the same breaks and even if they did they wouldn't have time to get to cars, drive somewhere and get back.

I also work close by and so oh knows lots of my colleagues and they know him- they really would have very little opportunity for anything.

The texts seem to only happen at work.

Flirty texts are enough of a betrayal though aren't they?
I think you are trying to talk yourself out of any action now.
There are more choices available to you then:

1. Leave a day early for the holiday (I don't recommend this; awkward and confusing for DCs and family)
2. Blowing up at him tonight
3. Doing nothing

You probably don't want to keep the children from going on holiday I suppose but you could speak to him beforehand explaining that you know and want him to move out whilst you are gone?
How horrible for you to go through this again when you thought things were getting back on track. Sending you a virtual hug.
Oh and am shocked by your mum's disloyalty!

It does sound like harmless flirting but that IS unacceptable within a relationship (especially with his previous form) and it will surely lead to something further if left to develop.
There is a fine line between this and an emotional affair and I can see it leading to a full blown affair eventually. If you let him know you are on to him now he may well stop it and say all the right things etc but you will know deep down where this could have lead and you will spend your whole life checking up and waiting for the next woman to come along.
That is no life

I think if she wanted an affair - she would have him (assuming he would tot want it).
I am not trying to excuse - it all depends on what he is sayiong in his texts, how explicit they are...

I am just judging by what happened to me - es wanted OW, she kept him at arm length, once she said yes - he was at it in no time. But looking at my ex's texts I've discovered 2 years before we split - he was ready then & wish I outed him then to his family by stealing his phone and sharing his texts with everyone!

So it is really - you judging his texts and making up your mind.