That's it - I'm off!!

[MeenaQ]

I'm a regular ( when time permits) have name changed.

Just discovered more texts on oh phone. This happened last year- he swore it was just flirting and it wouldn't happen again.
Same girl, same kinda thing. It's a work colleague of his.

They are disguised under his male friends name but I'm pretty certain ( crossed checked with Facebook) they are from her.
So this time I'm gonna go but im gonna need to plan.
We are due to go away fora few nights next week, staying in uk. So my plan is to leave with 3 kids the day before, before he gets home from work.

I shall leave him with a message and arrange an estate agent to visit to sort out getting house on market. Whilst I'm gone I'll expect him to get his stuff out and sod off.
Where do I go? We're supposed to be away with his family. Do I still go with them and let him explain his absence? Do I go in the opposite direction?
I always thought if this happened I would have my family but recent events mean I don't want to go there. I overheard my mum talking to him and saying how she knew I was a lazy bitch who does nothing whilst he does everything. This is certainly not the case. Whilst he does his fair share, I do all the cleaning, washing, paperwork stuff, shopping, organising, reminding. He does most of the cooking and a bit of ironing. After nagging he'll sort car out.

Very sad today but can't have him lying to me like this anymore. The children will be devastated but I can't let myself be used like this.

Any help, words of advice, encouragement great fully received. How will I manage mortgage? Afford to live? What help can I get? I work part time- about20 hours.

Off now but will be back later

Definitely only a fine line and although these could read as (fairly) harmless considering there is already history I think it can only be heading one way. Last time he swore it was the thrill of the texting.

This is the gist of them

Her: xxxxxx

Him: hi baby xxxx kisses I missed you where r u?

Her: starting late today

Him: wondered why I'd not seen you- working in your building today

Her: really? Always when I'm not there

Him: I know

This is all of the 1st conversation that was saved. Reading into it I get that they don't often get to work together. That he wasn't aware of her working schedule so possibly not seen/ spoken to for a while?
Her kisses starting the conversation? Why? Or did he send kisses first to get convo going but deleted? The 'hi baby' makes me uncomfortable.

A few hours later.

Her: where r u?

Him: u didn't wait for me

Her: I will always wait for you. Where r u?

Him: :-(

Her: thanks for the paperwork

Him: anything for you

Her: bestest partner x

Him: can I get my kiss tomorrow?

Her: course sexy

Him: I l

Argghhh pressed too soon

Him: I look forward to it.

All deleted now but I took copies.

He was on what's app last night after getting home from work- damn should've checked those messages too this morning.

He's certainly not gonna get away with it but I need to be totally sure of what's going on. If he's having some fantasy relationship with a 20 year old then I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows that's the reason he's kicked out and not give him an opportunity to blame me or give excuses.

How horrible for you!
It doesn't look good - in fact they are very much like the texts DP and unused to send each other when we first met - but we were both available! I'd be very about a married man with dc sending them.
Bastard

That goes way beyond flirty, IMO.

I can imagine how you are feeling....
take screenshots and email them to youself to an email he hasn't got access to to keep it as proof.

I would be thinking what you are thinking - kissing (even if virtually) for a married man is suspicious.... she is stringing him along - but he seems to be up for it :(

God, that's appalling. What a total man child he is....getting his 'ooooh, I still could if I wanted to' kicks off some vacant little tart (although at just 20 she.probably has very little true idea of how destructive her stupid behavior is)

I don't actually know why you aren't printing it out and slamming it on the table, followed by telling him exactly what the bloody fuck he is going to do, because you are now calling the shots, and like it, whilst he's at it.

What a c*nt.

Sorry for sweary bits but I am outraged by that!

Could you tell him to move out NOW and then change locks and go on holiday anyway? (and mail your appallingly disloyal mother a copy before you go?)

Come ON OP? What more do you need? a THIRD lot of shit? before you do anything? He is doing this because he can and you are the enabler. I would have my dh's nuts in a vice if I read anything like that. I wouldn't be waiting for more proof.

I'm almost laughing I'm so outraged on your behalf! You need to do something now, I think.

Ah ladies thanks for all your words of wisdom. I need to toughen up. How on earth do I go about it all on my own? We have 3 dcs under 5. I work part time but how will I do that around my sometimes unsocial able shifts. How do I pay the mortgage alone? And have money to live on?
My parents seperated when I was 7ish and my dad didn't ever really show any interest in us. Ive had one uncomfortable meeting with him in past 20 years. It breaks my heart that he didn't care. And now my children face the same. All that he'll miss out on because he's so fucking stupid. Who do I share those magic moments with? His mother left him when he was a baby- why would he risk losing these?

When I split with my ex I was just unemployed, kids were older than yours, 10 and 12. I didn't have courage to kick him out. We separated but lived under the same roof.
Why - I needed to find a job and become financially independent. It took me almost 2 years to get to that point....now, over 3 years on I am working full time in the best job ever, kids are becoming more and more independent...

Everyone's different.
Make your choices wisely.
No one's going to criticize you - after all you have to be comfortable with what you can and will do.

My heart goes out to you as having small children is stressful enough, and if you add to it heartache of partner's dishonesty.... I do hope you have someone in RL to talk to.

Thanks Avocado and well done to you.

Sadly I am alone and feel very alone and don't really have anyone to talk to.

I am so angry. But I feel that I must wait and get more proof. These, whilst so very wrong, he could turn round and say I've somehow misconstrued.

Oh I'm so stressed. I have so much else to worry about I could really do without this too. And I've just heard from my friend that her newborn is in intensive care.....

whereabouts in the country are you?

In the south east.

I just need a good cry....... He'll be home soon and I've done nothing. I just can't focus on anything.

I don't think he will quite comprehend what he has done to us.

I PM'ed you.

I read something very wise here few days ago.
Is not you he betrayed - he betrayed promise he gave you. He didn't betray you.
Please try to see it that way. I know it isn't easy, but you can come here, on MN any time of day or night andfind support, even if only virtual :)

Slow down.

When i was were you are, I did and said alot of things in the heat of discovery that did me no favours and I wish I had held back and thought it through first. You are experiencing the "fight or flight" survival instinct and going for flight. The adrenalin will get you through that but then what?

If you can, keep it calm, see a solicitor asap and then go from there.

Take care, I know how you are feeling now, if you want any support, just shout

xx

I would add however, that you dont need anymore proof.

You know that it is wrong, and that you cant live with him because of it. Dont focus on finding out what you already know, focus on your life from now on xx

Thanks bogeyface that makes a lot of sense. I guess even in my moments of fury yesterday I realised I needed to process it all and make preparations. I need to get over the shock and let it dunk in. Then I'll be stronger.

Thanks Avocado- I probably have done friends in rl that would be only too pleased to lend a shoulder and tissues - I don't open up easily and im not ready to admit any of this yet. I need toget my head around it and work out what to do. He is talking about our plans for next summer, when we get the garden finished, how to decorate xxxx room. I'm just thinking he's wasting thoughts as he'll not be here.

💔😪

During the process of my divorce and settlement negotiations I learned to tell myself, for every 'brilliant' idea I came up with - 'Not Yet, Silver' I always found I needed to think it through some more. Some of the ideas I went through with eventually, others I didn't!