Casual Sex/Friends with Benefits

[sandy167]

Do you think casual sex and friends with benefits is good for ones mental health?
Myself personally just cannot do casual sex as i know i would feel degraded afterwards. What are others oppinions on it? I would rather meet someone special and have a good sex life like that and at least it would be meaningful.

I think it's as excellent for your mental health as a long-term relationship with a special partner. Sometimes itches need to be scratched and there's a lot to be said for ocasionally acting on impulse. :) Provided you take it on face value & don't expect some Mills & Boon rom-com ending, it can be a lot of fun. It's not for everyone, however.

It just depends on who you are.
I had a FWB years ago which worked for me (until we started to fall for one another so we ended it).
However, dh wanted to hold out for someone special (turned out to be me) and is totally against the idea of casual sex.

I think it's a great idea...... for men. They seem to be able to do it with ease. Personally, and it has happened recently, if I like and fancy the guy my feelings get in the way and it makes me feel undervalued and cheap.

If I don't like him enough to fall then I don't really want to sleep with him on a regular basis.

So yes, I think women are downgrading themselves when they accept this from a man.

I even refuse to think of a 'friends with benefits' situation as anything other than casual sex. Most people think they have this arrangement when the reality is that friendship doesn't come into it and never has.

Totally agree with tressy here.

Tressy - in my case it was my idea. I really liked him physically and we had been friends for a while. However, he was not 'boyfriend' material as far as I was concerned. I had a young child and FWB had several ideas re:lifestyle and relationships that I couldn't wholly reconcile with. Therefore it worked for both of us for us for the best part of a year. It ended mutually - I moved on and met dh, he still hasn't had a permanent, long term relationship.

Yes I was wondering Lazarusb why, if you both had feelings, you didn't make a relationship out of it. You said it ended because you both wanted different things from life. I've had plenty of those but I didn't consider them to be 'fwb' situations.

My interpretation of fwb is that you meet up once in a while and sleep together with no strings attached, both of you are free to do it again with someone else the next night. I don't think it works, not if one of you wants more, which usually happens over time.

"usually happens over time"

There's no 'usually' about it. Speaking as a single woman in my forties that has a pretty nice independent life and who doesn't 'want more' in the shape of a permanent partner, I'm sure I'm not alone. It's probably different for people in their twenties still looking for 'the one', biological clock ticking and all starry-eyed romantic. But when you've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the battle-scars, there's a lot to be said for some no-strings nookie.

Not ALL men can do casual sex though some are just like women in that they like sex with someone in a long term relationship. And i don't think age has anything to do with it either and more the individual.

I agree with Cogito.

I have a FWB. We both know that we don't want much more out of the relationship. We both know that we can't commit to each other for very good reasons. I am hoping to move back to the States asap and my FWB has a very demanding job that is hell on conventional relationships. He is away on business more than he is at home.

We just enjoy each others company when we can and the sex is the icing on the cake.

As with one night stands, if I like someone enough to sleep with them then I want more out of it than just sex, by definition.

I can see how if you've done the 15 year relationship / kids / divorce thing you'd think differently. If I were averse to relationships but in need of regular sex, I'd rather fuck a trustworthy guy I knew well and who knew how to get me off than sleep with a succession of relative and probably fumbling strangers. Sex with a new partner is overrated IME and is usually best with someone who's learnt what you like.

Tressy: "I even refuse to think of a 'friends with benefits' situation as anything other than casual sex. Most people think they have this arrangement when the reality is that friendship doesn't come into it and never has."

I disagree with this completely. I have had several FWB arrangements based on strong friendship and have read research done about "couples" with this sort of agreement. The study I read said that for the majority of both women and men, the friendship was the more important thing (this surprised the researchers who were expecting to find the opposite, especially when questioning the men).

My strongest FWB relationship was definitely far more about the friendship than the sex. We just really really clicked but didn't fall in love. As he lived abroad the sex was infrequent but we talked pretty much every other day, and usually for a minimum of 2 hours at a time, sometimes 4 hours. He helped me through several really stressful times and I did the same for him (although he was significantly more competent at life than I was so didn't need as much support). We were both looking for a long term partner throughout this time and so discussed our dates and our romantic lives along with every other aspect of our lives. When he met someone he fell in love with, she didn't want us to have any further contact at all, and while I suspected that would be how our friendship would end, I'm still very glad that we had the friendship we had. I would love to have met her and maintained a fairly shallow level of contact with my FWB, (I'd love to get the odd email just telling me how he's doing, letting me know about any major life events such as babies and marriages) but it wasn't to be.

I've had other FMBs (or more aptly named FBs) where the friendship has been fairly shallow, but I've always enjoyed these agreements - I don't find it mentally difficult in any way, but then I don't fall in love very easily. I get that if you do, it might not work so well.

And "So yes, I think women are downgrading themselves when they accept this from a man."

I disagree with this too - it assumes that the woman always wants more from the man than the sex/friendship. I had a great time with all of my FWBs but wouldn't have thought about going out with them in a million years. They were men whose company I loved and who I felt a strong sexual attraction but I knew immediately we were incompatible in the long run.

I've done the exact opposite. Had casual partners in the many years that I have been happily single, bringing up DC's and am now looking for something more.

So it depends on where you are and what you want out of life. Most of the men I've been out with that I liked, on hindsight, I can see that I hoped it would be more and I sold myself short.

I think wether it affects your mental health depends entirely on the person.

I was crap at no strings sex. I fell for the person and it ended badly. Afterwards i put on 2 stone and ended up on anti d's (not just because of that).

If im honest it has also changed how i treat men. I no longer care if they get hurt. Thats not true, i do care but not enough.

Tressy - with us it was very much that we could have sex with other people if we wanted to. We made it clear from the start that if our friendship started changing into something more the sex would stop. When that happened we stopped the physical stuff but remained friends. I'm glad we didn't take it any further, I have very fond memories of that time.

Actually, that was the first relationship I'd ever had where I felt equal, respected and liked for who I was. No control, no promises, just very easy. It paved the way for the very strong, healthy relationship I have with dh.

I think it depends on the individual but very much the stage in life that you are at.

I've seen younger female friends get very hurt but that's because it wasn't what they really wanted. Older women I know who already have children find such arrangements very convenient and satisfying.

I've never felt degraded by casual sex, I have felt a bit irritated if it was rubbish and I wish I'd not bothered.

There seem to be varying idea's of what constitutes fwb, how much friendship and how much benefits are involved

It is really good to read this thread. I have just decided to embark on a FWB arrangement. I am a bit confused, as I did like him a bit, but the more I get to know him, the more I realise I don't think I want a full time relationship with him. I worry that I am selling myself short, but on the other hand, I am having fun too. The alternative is going back to a very boring life, where I am not in a position to date (money and single parent with no breaks), spending every single weekend on my own, feeling lonely. I can't spend the time or the energy on starting a new relationship and have promised myself that this is the year for building my career and supporting my daughter through her year 11. I tried dating sites, and besides all the time it took, I ended up with nothing in the end. I had a few guys I dated, but they didn't even remain friends when it ended, so it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Would I like to have a fulfilling monogomous relationship, hell yes. But my reality is my so called 'loving monogomous relationship' that I had for 17 years turned out to be a complete lie as he was sleeping with prostitutes all along. So at least this is more honest. My FWB is still finding himself after the death of his wife 8 months ago, and I am not sure I am completely healed yet. So we have a bit of fun together. I feel in many ways that I have had my 'go' at marriage, and I chose wrong, so now I can either live the rest of my life looking for next Mr Right, or I can just accept the truth of my life. That I am not likely to be 'adored' again. That men are selfish, and will be looking for younger more nubile women. I am an amazing woman, I have done a uni degree (graduated the year I turned 40), I work out/run, I look after myself (most people judge me to be in my mid 30's, not just turned 45), I am funny and have a fabulous relationship with my daughther. I am caring, loving and giving (probably to a fault), but men are shallow, this is not what they want. Once you hit that age barrier, in my experience most men don't want you anymore. So I could sit and wait with all my morals in tact for mr right, or I could just enjoy a bit of an escape with my new FWB.

It works for some, not for others. The trick is to find out which you are and have a relationship or casual sex with someone of the same mindset. I've seen a lot of FWB situations result in people getting hurt because one of the people involved has settled for it, rather than actively pursuing it as a choice. Where it's a well-thought-out conscious choice made by people who know themselves well, it works very well indeed.

I've had my moments in my younger days but was never something I would recommend - I have a friend who is currently going through what I hope is a phrase cos she is sleeping with every guy she meets on the first night - is desperate for a relationship and when others try to tell her that these men are mucking her about she says everyone is just being negative. I don't say anything as she's middle aged so not going to lecture her on one night stands but I do think she is kidding herself as she must feel crap after they've done the dash out the front door - it's all very sleazy and unpleasant I would say looking in.

Having said all that, I do agree, sometimes that itch needs a good scratch.

JoAlone I think you sound very sorted and self-aware and are doing the right thing for yourself and also your daughter.

I agree it very much depends on your mindset. It can be great, all the fun of sex without all the effort of a relationship. Don't have to worry about their annoying little habits (or my own), because they're not around that long.

Last one was an old friend. I don't want a relationship with him, because fond of him as I am, I know him well enough to know he'd drive me up the wall (obviously I'm perfect, so I'm sure he can't feel quite the same about me ). We have had some really fun times, but I am usually ready for him to go when he leaves.

It's different from a one night stand, in that it's someone I know I can trust, rather than a guy I've only met that night, and don't necessarily know anything about, other than we've been in the same pub.

I go without sex rather than FWB. FWB messed me up BIG TIME.

I want true love not fuck nights. I tried it and felt degraded afterwards. It is just for men or women that have cut off their emotions. It is unatural for me personally.

I separated from my exh 2 and a half years ago and have only been interested in fwb arrangements since then and can't realistically see me wanting anything else ever. I'm 34, have 2 dcs, don't want anymore and don't want someone in my house full time getting under my feet and interfering with my business!

I have several fwb's, they all know about each other. I don't lie to any of them and they all know the score and are ok with it, if not they're under no obligation to stick around! I have a very high sex drive and don't see why not having a boyfriend should get in the way of that.

If I ever do meet anyone I want to be in a traditional monogamous relationship with then I'll have a rethink, unfortunately I was stupid enough to fall irredeemably in love with a married man last year, and if i can't be with him I'd rather have these fwb things than settle for a relationship with someone I'm not completely crazy about.