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Original poster

Is DS trying to tell me he's gay? or just having a laugh?

31 replies

NikitasSidekick · 01/08/2012 08:52

I have a 13 year old boy with a quirky sense of humour. He's a confident lad, likes being different, likes to stand out, never a masculine type, always more comfortable in a group of girls than a group of lads and his facebook page is always full of girls posting about how amazing he is, good listener, best friend etc.

Anyway he's the type of person that develops obsessions and his latest one is Robert Downy Jnr. He's always looking up pictures of him, goes on about how amazing he is and when I joked that I might have to marry him - he commented "hands off, he's mine girlfriend!" now I realise this was obviously a joke but he's said similar things a few times now and I noticed someone posted a picture of RDJ on his facebook page with a caption about him being "naked" under the ironman suit - DS 'liked' the picture so it sounds like it's a running 'joke' at school too.
He's now moving on to a singer from a band, again male and when someone commented that this singer was gay, DS commented "I know, shame" !!

Everytime he says something like this he makes out he's joking and I always laugh along too but I'm starting to wonder if he's actually trying to "come out"??

Or is he just so comfortable with himself that he feels he can joke around like this and isn't bothered what people think?

OP posts:

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 01/08/2012 08:53

Sorry someone commented that the singer was STRAIGHT, not gay and DS said it was a shame.

OP posts:

Rachel130690 · 01/08/2012 08:54

To be honest I think your son is gay, but he is obviously very comfortable with it.

I don't see it as him coming out. When he is ready he will tell you. Dont pressure him.

Your son sounds lovely btw. :)

rarebreed · 01/08/2012 08:55

I have no idea if he might be gay, but just wanted to say you are obviously an excellent mum, as he feels so comfortable with himself IYSWIM.

rarebreed · 01/08/2012 08:55

Maybe he is bi...does he ever make comments about women?

Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 08:56

Well, he is your son, he sounds pretty confident and well adjusted, happy - i think thats all we can hope for as parents.

paddlepie · 01/08/2012 08:57

I think it sounds like he is gay. He is still very young though, I would be reluctant to give any sort of 'label' at that age. He sounds lovely, just let him know you are always there to talk to and let him do things in his own time.

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 01/08/2012 08:59

Thanks everyone. He never makes comments about women and has never really shown any interest in female celebs or anything like that.
He's had the odd 'girlfriend' but it seems to remain a texting relationship more than anything else and never lasts more than a week or so.

I'm really not bothered what his orientation is - I'd just feel bad if I've been laughing at these 'jokes' all this time and he was actually trying to tell me something!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 09:01

Sounds gay to me. In fact I dont think he could be more clear about it! :)

DinahMoHum · 01/08/2012 09:01

can you ask him, "so are you gay or what"?

it sounds like he is.

Is that a problem for you?

lovebunny · 01/08/2012 09:02

one of my pupils was definitely gay at fourteen and definitely straight at twenty-one, so nothing is as straight-forward as it seems. you sound as if you've brought up a confident boy at ease with himself, so why not just watch fondly and see how it goes?

SlimJimBra · 01/08/2012 09:05

Aw he sounds like a fantastic young man, a credit to you :)

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 01/08/2012 09:05

Not a problem for me at all but I think it will be an issue for his rather homophobic father :-(

I just want him to be happy and 100% himself.

OP posts:

OlympyWindowMash · 01/08/2012 09:07

Perhaps all the throw-away comments are a way to try and avoid that big awkward "coming out" conversation. It sounds like he is gay, and he wants you to know it. I would be tempted to try and say something to him to clarify, he might be glad to get the conversation out of the way.

TeamGBIWI · 01/08/2012 09:08

In which case I think the conversation needs to be with his father.

Leave your son be.

(Mother of a gay son)

CMOTDibbler · 01/08/2012 09:10

Meh, don't think you can tell from fb tbh - you'd say from fb that it was my middle nephew who way gay, rather than his older brother. Just go with it though and let him work out who he is

steben · 01/08/2012 09:12

Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing OP - not making a big deal out it! Sorry to here about your hubby though that would be stressful - can you talk to him about the possibility and kind of prepare him for it?

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 01/08/2012 09:16

urgh definitely not hubby!! we've been split 9 years So it wouldn't be the end of the world for him to find out, DS isn't close to him anyway.

I have said to DS in the past "is this your way of telling me you're gay?" and he replies "well it depends, is RDJ involved?" lol

Therefore - I don't think he's ready to have that 'confirmation' come out so I'm just going to leave it.

OP posts:

bleedingheart · 01/08/2012 09:17

I don't know if that is conclusive enough. At lot of young people joke about fancying people of the same sex and get obsessed with same-sex celebrities.
But if he is, it's good that you are laidback about it. I hope his dad doesn't react badly.

You must be proud of what a good friend he is. Listening is such an undervalued skill!

Gibbous · 01/08/2012 09:34

My DS is very similar. He's 14, nearly 15, and goes on about his man crushes, is very vocal about gay rights (but he is about minority rights generally) and makes similar comments to me and on FB about Ryan Gosling (he poses in front of the mirror trying to look like him) and other actors, except I'm fairly sure he's only genuinely interested in girls as has been very emotionally involved in the girlfriends he's had and appears to show more sexual interest in them. Having said that I acknowledge he could well end up being bi.

Because he's confident about admiring men he never gets any stick but I think it's very common now for kids to be much more comfortable with this kind of openness and homosexuality generally, which is a great thing, and having gay friends. so it could be that with your son is like this but I personally feel it better to make him know you're comfortable with any outcome, either directly or indirectly, especially if his dad might not be.

I've never come out (scuse the pun) and asked my DS but have jokingly said I don't mind who he ends up with but if it's a man they'll have to adopt me some grandchildren .

venuesandmarathons · 01/08/2012 09:46

I'd say that 13 is far too young to attache a label (even if any of us can actually be labelled as definitely straight or gay or bi). He is at an age where he is exploring his sexuality and it is great that you are not pressurising him to conform to any particular model, but allowing him to express whatever he feels.

At 13, girls have often matured hugely compared to boys and so he may not see his peer group as 'girlfriend' material. I'd avoid asking him if he is 'gay' - it may box him into a particular role, before he is ready to make a decision about it.

CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 09:48

I think your DS sounds 'camp' rather than 'gay'. One can often evolve into the other but not necessarily. Wouldn't try to predict the future, therefore. Keep enjoying the quirky sense of humour.

greeneyed · 01/08/2012 10:25

when I was a teenager, I hung around with an arty set, aspiring actors, singers etc. Everyone wanted to be gay!! straight guys would try to hide their straightness! - some turned out to be gay, some bi, mostly straight - but they all liked to fool around at the time and to give an ambiguous impression. I'd say far too early to say, don't ask him outright x

LittlePushka · 01/08/2012 10:45

I think that if you can offer him continual reassurace through your actions that you are ok with gaywhether for him or anybody else, then that is all he really needs to know.

If he is, then he will have the luxury of chosing to come out all guns blazing or step slowly and quietly out over a period -and perhaps importantly, he wiil know that if he is outed he will be compassionately received.

However, I agree that you both sound like you are very relaxed about the issue (irrespective of his sexuality) and you are both to be commended for that.

LittlePushka · 01/08/2012 10:48

PS Boo to Ex DH though(!)

Auxey · 01/08/2012 10:51

Having never been a teenage boy, nor been the mum to one, I can only share my experience. Between the ages of about 11-13 I was obssessed with other girls and women. It wasn't very sexual though. It was more a role model type thing. I am definitely not gay or even bi.
I think 13 is quite young to be making definite decisions about his sexuality. That said, I used to work for an airline with lots of gay male colleagues and they all said they knew they were gay from a very early age.

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