Trying to find the strength to accept that it's over

[diamondsnotforever]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and we have two lovely DCs. Our marriage has been falling apart over the course of the last year, but I am finding it so hard to accept that it is over.

His approach towards me since the birth of our last child has destroyed what we had, and has left only sadness and anger. I honestly don't recognise him as the man that I married, but I just can't seem to accept that it cannot be fixed and that it won't go back to the way things were.

He has emotionally detached from me over the past twelve months, has slowly shut down all communication, will not show me any physical affection and has made baseless and ridiculous accusations (that I had an affair with our neighbour -wtf?? - and that I "deceived" him into having a second child when he knows in truth that I did no such thing).

He moved out - he said temporarily - in February, but it is becoming clear to me that really he has no intention of coming home. Despite that, and despite the fact that I don't want to be in a marriage where I feel no love or support, I have been trying everything I can to persuade him to come home. But now, I feel hopeless, and silly, and desperate to pull myself together and accept that I can't hold this together by myself. When I ask whether he wants to separate permanently, he just tells me that he doesn't know what he wants. And so I see some hope, and the cycle continues.

I am just finding it really hard. I don't know where things went so wrong. I don't know why or how this has happened. He seems fixated on the fact that it is my fault - that I have always prioritised the kids over his needs, that I don't communicate properly with him - but I really don't see how that has caused this and wish I knew just what the hell had changed in him.

Thank you for replying. GF, your words have had a big impact, thank you, I feel stronger, and Dippy Doohdah it helps to think in terms of the lessons we teach our children - not seen it like that before. But sorry to hear you have experienced similar how are things with you now?

Am still in the early days really, so here to hold your hand and share learning.I certainly know my ex will be a better part time dad than full time..so am making my DC lives better, sure we can both hold on to that x

All the best, love, and keep talking on here. Unfortunately many women have been through this shit and can almost predict what your H will do next. It's the Bastard Script, and it's very predictable.

This man is NOT YOUR FRIEND - so DETACH. It's the most difficult thing when you love someone and can't believe they could treat you so badly after all you have been through together but it is the only way to move forward.

Your H has been accusing you of ridiculous things because he wants to make you a "bad person" in his mind so that he can remain "good". In Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" most of the men who accuse their partners of ridiculous feats of infidelity admit to Lundy that they know they are lying.

Why don't you tell your H that as you are already in effect seperated that you make it legal/official and sort out money and contact. This will help you move on and let him see this too and he will start to realise what he is losing.

Look at the suriviors of emotional abusive relationships thread - at the top there are lots of books, articles etc linked that really help open your eyes. Have you support in RL? Has your H rejected counselling?

I am going through something similar with my P (25 years, 5DC)- ridiculous accusations of infidelity etc, but he is refusing to move out. I find seeing a counsellor just to talk about my current situation has been really helpful for making plans to move forward and to feel strong and supported.

He is denying seeing anyone else because that would involve him accepting any of the blame. By denying this he can try to make you accept blame.

As far as the iPod history is concerned, in my experience the reasons I can think of for this is that he's trying to keep what he's looking at a secret (eg porn or gambling) or he's trying to keep who he's talking to a secret (eg another woman.)

Take control. Tell him you have decided and that you want it to end. Focus on keeping yourself and your children happy and let him sort himself out.

I agree - I could have written what you wrote, then 4 months after he left I found out he had other women. He covered his tracks well, blamed me, not sure if he loved me, said he may come back in 3 months. Once I found out what he was really up to it enabled me to move on very quickly. You need to see this man for what he is now - forget what he was like in the past. Stop clinging on to what you want or hope he will be. That man has now gone - you need to open your eyes and look at this emotionally detached man. He has moved on from you - and I would bet he has moved onto someone else. The sooner you accept that, the scales will literally fall from your eyes and you will be able to move on.

I never thought I would, but now I am so glad I found out and saw the truth. I don't even hate him any more - he just makes me feel a bit ill and disgusted, and I actually feel pity too. Splitting up is one thing, but being so awful about it and lying too is in my view unforgivable. You deserve the truth and respect from him - but sadly I doubt he will give you either. Take control back asap - you will feel so much better.

Second what fergoose says.... am not a buddhist but this buddhist understanding springs to mind: at the root of all human suffering is the clinging..once we stop clinging we are free of suffering
(((hugs)))

That saying is so correct Dippy - am so glad I am no longer clinging! :)

Sounds like you have done so well Fergoose, hope it continues to get better for you, and Dippy, what you say makes total sense. When you said that your H was a better part time father than a full time one, that resonated with me and I know exactly what you mean. Thank you. I do feel much more in control and less afraid which is a it leap forward so onwards and upwards x

Diamonds - I don't think I have done well - I just found out the truth, and once I did I felt nothing but relief. I went through denial, begging (the shame), total and utter despair, but once I found out what he was doing I literally changed overnight. There have been down times, it isn't a straight line and you don't just get better in increments, it goes up and down, and then you realise you haven't cried for a week, or thought of him for a day.

Just lean on your friends, if you are upset be upset - and for goodness sake, never ever contact him about anything other than children. I guess I am lucky we have no contact with him at all - my daughter refuses to see him. He still has not spoken to me or faced me - a few nasty text messages but nothing else in 7 months - I know if I saw him I would tear him a new one - but he is ultimately a coward. I just feel pity for him, and shame I didn't get rid of him years ago. I pity his new woman, I feel like giving her the number for Woman's Aid as sure as hell she will need it once his bullying and anger starts.

If I were you I would tell him myself it is over - no more waiting around for him. If he wanted to come back he would be back - how dare he keep you hanging on. Don't you deserve so much more than that? Keep talking and getting lots of advice here too - you will find the strength to keep going, you can be happy without him - you just have to trust in that. It may not feel like it at the moment, but come back in 6 months and I bet you will be a different woman. I know I am - totally.

Hello,
I have read some of the amazing responses to what has happened diamonds and they're amazing. GF, you're spot on! Please get him out. He doesn't deserve any of what you have created ( a happy home with your littles ). Don't worry, just tell him, he doesn't live there does he really anyway and kids are brilliantly adaptable. I'd be tempted to throw all his stuff out of the window at him in bin bags as he arrives smelly pants and all! (not really) He is horrid thoughxx

Hi, just reading through, can anyone tell me how to stop clinging?

It's hard!

diamonds I am so pleased I have said things to help..I have had a wealth of support on MN..in a different name..to get me to a point where I do believe I will keep moving forward, if not for the odd down day which comes to us all anyway! Mrs ..I do not want to put myself forward as someone who knows loads about stopping clinging..that saying just came into my head..read some basic buddhist stuff? Also, and again I am not religious, but I recently started going to a meditation group, which helped me to see that I am not not my problems or my relationships,I am me, constant and..deep down..peace full! It also occurs to me that if you contemplate the word " clinging", it is totally hand in hand with desperation.then if we reflect on that, are we all not worth more than any relationship that leaves us feeling desperate? x

PS thinking about you this Saturday diamonds..hope you do something to make it a nicer day for you and your DC x

He is utterly selfish and just waiting until he gets completely comfy with saying he is not coming back. My xh was the same, each stage he would say ooh I dont know if I can do this and in due course when he was ready guess what he could do it.

It sounds like there could be an OW given your perplexity over why he began to detach from you.

I am grateful in hindsight my XH had an OW because once her presence was revealed I knew it was over and all his nonsense about needing space for a while etc was a stepping stone. Otherwise I am certain I would have had a similar pattern to you OP and been kept dangling

In your place I would do what you can to look into this because whilst its very very painful finding out he is with someone else it can make sense of a lot of things.

Otherwise I would set a deadline in your mind for when he either commits to being married to you and behaves accordingly or you say its over and mean it. Sort out set times when he has his DC (away from your home) and begin the process of separation and recovery

Its hard when someone you love doesnt feel the same anymore but once you allow that simple fact to penetrate it allows you to begin to grieve and cry and go through the devastation necessary to move forward.

What kind of support do you have ? Gather it around you now and try and take some control of this situation, stop worrying that by being assertive you will ruin your chances of him deciding to come home.

FWIW I am 21/2 years on from my marriage ending . Suffice to say I am very happy and contented. One thing which is just blissful is being free from trying to be the wife I thought he wanted, trying to make him love me like I did him. Theres tons more positivity and it is hard to accept your marriage is over but what you dont realise is theres a new life to come and the surprise is is in time it could be much better

Thanks for all your kind messages, and for checking up on me. You are a very empowering group of girls! I was much more forceful with H today than I have been for a long time, and explained that his time with the DCs would need to be spent away from the house from next week. I was much more detached than I have been for a long time, but as a result he insisted on staying to talk tonight and told me that he wanted to separate permanently. I asked him whether he was involved with anyone else, and he denied it outright twice. He is so secretive with his phone and other gadgets I know I won't get the opportunity to check, and wonder if in the long run it matters anyway.

The link between "clinging" and "desperation" has been very potent today and makes total sense to me. I think I am beginning to see the situation for what it really is, so thank you for all your kind words and support. I don't feel desperate to save my marriage at any cost tonight, and that is a step forward for me, and I am beginning to think that life on my own, free of sadness and unhappiness, would be better for me and my DCs, but on the flip side I am sad that a large and important part of my life seems to be at an end and guess that there is a grieving process for that which will need to take place.

All too true diamonds, its a hard process, but lights at the end of the tunnels...PS its interesting that you note you cannot get near his devices....you sound like you can see forwards a bit more... good for you and sleep well hun x

diamondsnotforever do be prepared that when he assumes the role of separate part time parent (rather than invading your full time situation) he will feel the need to spoil the dcs - buy them treats that you may see as indulgent/wasteful/unfair when you can't afford them etc. Try not to be resentful of this - it'll be his way of assuaging his guilt at the situation he's created. The correct response is to feel just a bit sorry for him - preferably in a slightly patronising way!

He will realise what he's lost - you will be so much better off without him. Allow the dcs to see him through rose-tinted spectacles during the short time that they have with him. as others have said, he'll make a far better part time parent than full time one. You provide the stability in their lives - you are their bedrock. His treats will be fool's gold but the dcs don't need to realise that yet.

YOu are sounding much more accepting, OP

Like you said. He leaves you no choice. The message he is giving you is loud and clear, OW or no OW (and I still think there is one, or more)

So your alternatives ? Accept the situation painful as it is and start to move forward without him bringing you down. Or humiliate and debase yourself for nothing (he is certainly no prize to covet)

It's a no-brainer when put like that.

How are you op I've been following your thread hope your ok

Hi Loganberry, thank you. Progress slow, had a few very difficult conversations with H which have been unsettling. He resolutely denies that he is involved with anyone else, but seems to be really struggling and I just still feel so confused and unhappy. For the first time this weekend, he indicated that he would consider coming to couples counselling with me - which he has always refused previously - but my ability to trust him has been badly shaken and I am so unsure about how to move forward. I don't know if it is too broken to fix, or even if I want to anymore. I wish I had some control. I want to take control but I am still reeling.

Plus not sleeping, so not a winning formula for regaining total harmony in my life!

But thank you for checking up - much appreciated and means a lot x

Wondered how you were getting on too...if in doubt do nowt? He has had lots if space to think, sounds like you need some now? X

Hi Dippy, yes you're right. A few weeks ago I would have jumped at the chance of counselling but I can slowly feel things shifting in my head and all I know for sure is that I just want to stop feeling so tired and unhappy and I want to get back some balance and positivity - I just don't know whether that is with or without him. But hey, that's a big decision and time will tell. DCs are doing brilliantly, and tbh that is a major part of it for me. If they are ok without him, the desperation to cling on at any cost just keeps reducing.

How are things with you?

That's good to hear you sound really positive, more in control which is fab.am ok, thanks for asking. Am bobbing about a bit at moment, ex is trying to un-ex himself but am just not sure that I really want it or am prepared to keep having such destructive ground hog days.time will tell, yep! Will keep in touch x