What to do??

[Bigmess]

Hello all

I was wondering if someone could give me some advice about my re-occurring problem - its absolutely driving me insane and i feel like i am going further and further down into hopelessness. In the scheme of things, i know that i am lucky to have this problem....anyway, i'll just get on with it....

I have been married for 15 years, and have 2 girls aged 10 and 12. My husband is a good guy, he works, he helps, we laugh and enjoy similar things. We have separated twice over the years for about a year at a time, all because of the same problem - my utter inability to be intimate with him. By that i mean, anything from lingering meaningful looks to sex - in fact we haven't had sex for many many many years and the thought of it with him, really makes me feel so stressed. In fact, and i hate to say this, but the idea makes my skin crawl (thats a horrible thing to say i know, particularly about someone you love).

We have got back together as we are a fantastic family, we love spending time together and having fun, the girls love us being together, its generally happier when we are together.....until after a while we realise its the same damn old problem which makes us tense, stressed and then we stop enjoying our time together.

We are now back together and i am starting to feel the same old stresses and i have a terrible feeling that i have made the same mistake AGAIN. i hate myself because the girls were OK with us being apart, i had even met someone (and had fab sex and everything - eek), but i hated being away from the kids and missed my husbands company. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum along the 'either come back now or never do' line and so i went back. I thought anything would be better than the horror of being away from my kids. When we are apart, he is quite unpleasant and doesn't look after the girls the way i would (i know that that is fine but i hate to think there are no clean clothes or food in the house). Actually, that is probably unfair, they adore their dad - he is just a bit stricter than me. I just feel stuck between my own possible happiness and my childrens' happiness. They love us being together and i know people say that you are better happy and apart, but i am not that unhappy, just not very happy, if you see what i mean. We have done counselling, sexual counselling, individual counselling - we know the issues - i think he is over emotional and needy and needs some friends other than me, he thinks i am spoilt and a bit cold. We are going to counselling again tomorrow and i am just dreading it.

I know this is rambling but if someone could help me i would be so grateful. Can the sexual feelings come back? I don't want to hurt my kids like this again? Should i just hang on in there? Honestly, i would prob be able to but my husband (quite reasonably) wants some intimacy!! (and i do too sometimes but not in the right direction). What do you do when you love a person but don't fancy them? Seems like a ridiculous reason to break up a family. What the flip is wrong with me?? So angry at myself.

Thank you for reading.

[izzyizin]

Obviously you don't have a problem with having sex but you do have a problem with regard to having sex with him.

Let's look at why you don't fancy him. Is he a selfish lover? Does he expect sex on demand or as a 'right'? Has he let himself go? Or is it that you've lost respect for him?

[Bigmess]

Hi Izzy - thank you for getting back to me.
Do you know what? It has been so long - this is the frustrating thing - that the reasons that i think i went off sex with him, don't even exist anymore. I think that i lost trust in him very early on - not with fidelity, but more lots and lots of little, seemingly irrelavent things, which he said he would do but never did. It made me feel that i had to do everything myself. also, i found out 6 months after the event that he had asked someone to run away with him ( i confess, i had just told him that i thought i had feelings for someone else, but hadn't done anything - i thought i owed him more than that). He is still not to be depended on to do things, but generally, he has been amazingly supportive throughout all of this mess (when we are together). I don't really understand why though - not many men would put up with no intimacy/sex for years and years? Although i have been the one to split us up - it has also been because he is terribly unhappy too and has done things that were uncharacteristic (online chat rooms etc). He is a good guy - although sometimes i feel that if we broke up he would be horrible again - so it feels like i have to chose between any relationship with him (even a dysfunctional one), or lose him altogether. I suppose thats just how it is? He isn't a selfish lover, we used to have fun when younger, but we only knew each other a year before marriage and then had kids pretty quickly after (like idiots). I feel like i shouldn't be chasing 'crazy' sexual feelings but settle down a bit - but i feel there is still something in there iykwim? (that prob made no sense)

[Xales]

Can you have an open relationship? Both of you have sex outside the marriage but keep your family together?

[Bigmess]

Hi Xales - i sometimes think about that but my husband will just not even consider talking about any option other than being together. i think thats why i fear the counselling so much, i know that if i don't 'get fixed' then my entire family suffers. He is quite possessive and really does love me (for some reason!)- he is also an utter romantic and so needs to be in love at all times. i don't think he could separate the two things. i wish we could talk about alternatives though - i think maybe they can work?

[Offred]

Flogging. Dead. Horse...

Completely, there is nothing left to say... If he won't consider an open relationship there is no way forward and it is not "your problem" if you don't want to have sex with him. It can't be fixed. It is over.

[ImperialBlether]

Can I ask you why he had the children, particularly as you weren't happy with the way he was taking care of them?

If you enjoy sex with other men but your husband makes your skin crawl, I think you should split up.

And what's all this about him asking someone to run away with him?

[mcmooncup]

Possessive
Doesn't do what he says he is going to do
Asking someone to run off with him
Needs to be in love at all times
Dropping ultimatums
Blaming you entirely
Online chat rooms

I think I'd be the same

[Bigmess]

Hi - sorry - am having to come on and off as husband has got home! Thank you for your replies - i just wonder why i go backwards and forwards. i find losing the friendship and closeness so difficult to leave even though i know we can't continue as we are and am fairly certain it won't change. its that ray of hope that keeps me going but i think you are right offred - flogging a dead horse indeed. i am an idiot. don't get me wrong imperial - he looks after the children well, just not how i would, and i think the way he does it causes conflict but maybe i am overbearing and over do things.

the whole asking someone to run away with him was abit of a shocker - i confessed to him that i had had thoughts of someone else (this was at a time when i thought i had no sexual feelings at all, full stop, (post natal depressions etc), so i told him because i felt so guilty and he revealed that 6 months earlier when my youngest was about 6 months, he had 'discussed' running away with someone at work!! But obviously, i am the baddie here. Oh dear, i do sound bitter, maybe anger is underneath all this despite how nice he is... shoot have to go - will have to message tomorrow - husband around. thank you though - firm but fair!

[Yama]

Reading through what you have written about your husband he doesn't actually sound like a nice guy.

I would hazard a guess that he looks after the girls in a different way to you when you are apart in a bid to provoke a response from you.

No advice sorry but just wanted to say that I couldn't live like that. As in, please don't feel guilty if you want to leave this man. Permanently this time.

[Offred]

You are not an idiot. It is hard to give up a marriage especially when it has been like this for so long.

[Bigmess]

Thank you so so much for your responses - it makes things look an awful lot clearer. It makes such a difference when people say you are not an idiot and that you don't have to feel guilty. really helps. he is such a good talker that i sometimes don't know which direction i am going in - feels like a steam roller sometimes. that said, we have great times and family times and i feel like i should put the kids first. i just don't know why i go backwards and forwards with him - feels like something in my head isn't right! A mess.