Some hand holding and practical advice needed. I've decided to leave.

[PissyDust]

Some may remember my posts over the weeks about my non relationship with not so Darling H.

I can't move forward from his lies and I am depressingly unhappy so have decide that it will be best for me and our DC to move out.

I have been posting on the surviving infidelity thread as Scarlet, not as a sock puppet I haste to add. I just wanted a name that didn't make people say "that's that poor cow in that sad existence of a life" every time I posted, it was some more head in the sand/run for the hills behaviour I suppose.

I looked online at the CAB and found one in my town that is only open on a Tuesday and was only open for another hour, I took it as fate, grabbed some payslips and the DC.

I now have info sheets and website calculators and am finally seeing I can start again and not have to be unhappy forever, I can stand on my own to feet with support from the government.

I'm now looking for a flat to rent and planning how to squirrel away the deposit without him finding out, once everything is in place I am going to go.

What do I need to have in place apart from applying for a new bank account and then working tax credit, housing benefit etc.

Gulp, I feel so scared and excited all at the same time, please tell me I am not completely mad for trying to be happy again!

Also, I'm worried he is reading my iPad (not massivly so and probably wouldnt do him any harm to read the last thread but i would prefer not this one) I'm deleting history but is there anything else I should be doing?

Well done for making the huge decision to leave! I haven't read your other threads but it sounds like you have thought long and hard about this and now that you can see that its not as scary as it seems you will be absolutely fine.

Sounds like you have most of the basics covered but hopefully someone with more experience than me will be able to advise you of anything else you need to do.

here's to the start of your new life x

Thank you Doing, the wine is a welcome distraction from another night at home behaving like strangers.

I can't believe I am looking at rental properties, feels quite calming now I know it's what I need to do.

Hello, hand holding here.

Change passwords on internet things, clear cookies after each session, create a new email for anything to do with this.

Referees who won't say anything for housing and jobs, if you'll be on benefits contact shelter as they'll know local ll's willing to rent to dss.

Move plan, what are you taking, can someone store stuff that won't be noticed, save incase furniture needed.

School, doc, dentists info incase you need to change.

Good luck

Why can't he move out?

He must realise that your marriage is going nowhere. Is there any reason why you shouldn't sit down with him, say you intend to file for divorce, and give him the option of leaving so that there's less disruption for the dc?

Quite a few moons ago there was a thread on squirrelling away an escape fund and lots of people posted that their grans had told them they'd done that just in case. Opening a bank account is easy enough, and if you think he is going to fight for every penny and you don't work at the mo, then a little here or there - cash back at the supermarket or hanging on to the change won't be an issue. Ooh it sounds exciting if you are in a position to plan and cut loose on your own terms.
You know what he's like so act accordingly - perhaps a few bigger sized clothes for the DCs, all the little bits add up and also a couple of hundred quid to pay for a move may be a help. And yes you deserve a chance at happiness.

I want to go Izzy, the DC wil not need to change school as I'm looking in the same town that we live in now.

I want some independence and this house is not a happy memory for me, its also to big and I struggle to keep it clean and work 5 days a week.

No move plan Natural lots of things in your post i havent thought about, I have 1 RL frined who will help and I plan in confiding in my female Manager for support at work as I'm planning on staying and DH also works for the same company akward

I's so pleased to have learnt we have a cab officer and benefits officer visit our small town once a week and I can also contact them via email.

New email account and bank account on my list for tomorrow, i wondered about a PO box for mail to be sent to for a month or 2?

Am I kidding myself that I can actually do this?

I so wish I had listened to my nan!!

I work so I can now start claiming some working tax credit and housing benefit, I'm clueless in this department but plan to spend the next week studying any websites I can.

I dont think he will fight me for anything, I think he believes I'm mad and should be over it by now because it was years ago even though I have only just found out

It's like a light has pinged on in my head and I now realise what I need to do!

Ooo Pissy you're thinking cap is on, a po box/alternate address is brilliant.

I'd also think about what to tell your dc and how you're going to work the access.

No advice from me dusty, but a hand to hold. Hang in there lovely xx

Does the child benefit get paid to you? Makes things easier if it is.

Cashback at supermarket v handy

All the best, love

Keep posting for the fab practical advice x

Thank you, I really appreciate being able to get my jumbled thoughts out.

From here I will take:

3 seater leather leaving 2 seater and 1 arm chair here
1 TV leaving large tv and another small TV here
1.5 Kitchen equip but I'm taking the slow cooker and food processor
I'll leave our bed (haven't slept in it since I found out)
Taking the DC's beds but their wardrobes are all fitted so will buy from Ebay for now.

That + clothes will do for a start.

Need to sort housing benefit and tax credits but the CAB are helping with that and I can claim as soon as the bank account is sorted.

DC will be told mummy and daddy need to live apart as we have been togeather a lng tme and don't want to live togeather anymore.

Access will be in his court due t his working hours, never here as it is so no different for me. I will not stand in his way and by staying in the same town he can collect from school etc pre arranged if he wants to.

Does that sound ok?

Ramble it is paid to me into our joint account, I need to draft some letters with new account details don't I?

AnyFucker where the fuck have you been love? I really needed you a week or 2 ago, so glad you are here now to keep me from wobbling

Have been on my hols. You don't need me mate, you have this strong woman leading the way (you)

Hope you had a lovely time.

PO box is out of the question @ £105 for 6 months, if I get a new bank account can I get the mail sent to a different address, say my work for example?

Phone the bank first thing to ask that question. I am pretty sure it can be done.

Royal Mail redirection service is about £12 per month iirc, you can change the address if you need to move around.

Online bank account? Or use a family/friends address?

Redirection would redirect all our mail not just mine though?

I have to be carefull with bank accounts etc as we have a failed debt management plan so I don;t have credit or credit cards, doesn't bother me although that is a point. I need to check what debt is actually in my name don't I?

Soo much to sort out. I have found a lovely 2 bed flat for us and the deposit is £800. Do you pay Deposit and one months rent at the same time?

Can I claim my tax credits etc now even though I'm still here and not spending his money? I could save half at a tight sneaky cash back at weekly shop and some quick Ebay sales (must change bank account on Ebay account) but if I could gain access to the working tax credit or the other one I could move out this time next month.

Breath.

If you rent furnished you won't need anything, if it's unfurnished some charity shops sell and you get to see how good the stuff is.

Re contact a seperate email again just for contact which you can leave with him and, depending on dc age, a cheap mobile for them to contact him.

Take your favourite kitchen utensils.

My bank was very helpful for me but I went in to speak to them. Would your parents/family/friends hold mail for you?

Could you ask some questions in "divorce/separation" or "legal" as well as here ?

I for one don't know most of the answers to these very specific questions.

Try shelter about the rent/deposit and make sure the deposit is protected. Speak to the agent aswell.

It's usual to pay a deposit and the first month's rent upfront but it could be that the landlord will be happy to accept a deposit with the first month's rent payable on the day you move in. In any event, there's no harm in asking.

Thanks Natural I plan to go to our bank and speak to them, we are in a little town so I now the staff on a hello basis and hope to find a friendly ear in there.

Email account will also be done tomorrow and I plan to close the 2 I use now plus my FB account so no fear of extra contact that way.

Eldest is 10 and I was planning on buying her a mobile for christmas but I think I will geive her my battered old phone and set up an email address for her to talk with her dad, it will feel more private and I won't have to see his name flash up unless I go into her account.

The only thing I think I will need to get hold of is wardrobes, nice and easy in second hand shops and Ebay.

The flat I have my eye on has 2 large double rooms, one with en-suite so I'm thinking eldest 2 togeather and youngest in with me (all in our own single beds?)

He will finally get his tidy house.

x post.

I am reading older divorce seperation threads inbetween posting, maybe I should repost when I know more about what I need to know

I haven't heard about shelter so will check that out tomorrow, my friend said I may be able to get some help with the deposit but I work 27hrs a week so I doubt I will get much help benefits wise etc.

Thank you all so much, you will never know how strong you help me feel.

You could try charity shops for furniture. The British Heart Foundation sells good quality second hand furniture. Hope it all goes well for you.