I need a stern talking to....

[MsFish]

I am a complete numpty and need you strong mumsnetters to help me grow a backbone! I met a man off the internet, as you do, and after a few dates he has now started ignoring me. I thought I could separate the emotion from the sex after a long time single and feeling strong. Turns out I can't. I am old enough to know better.

Tell me that I need to step away from the email where I want to spill my guts, as this is pathetic and needy and I don't want to be that person!

Sadly, after living with my ex who was bordering on alcoholism, I no longer drink...chocolate?

It's a good thing that you couldn't help being emotionally involved. It's good that you don't have a thick skin. Life hurts when you care. But joy is only possible when you care.

Thick skinned people who don't care much and can switch off their emotions whenever it's convenient to them are called... knobjockeys. And unfortunately, you met one.

Yama,, it's good to be nosey...curious is good!

He's a horror.

Top tip: don't delete his number but store it under DO NOT ANSWER with several other ones. Then you won't pick up his call by mistake and accidentally agree to anything daft. And having the other ones stored under the same name means you can't drunk dial him

Sorry you are dumped though

I always seem to get them Bec,,,I want to be thick skinned and in control for once,,,but can't seem to pull it off!

Good plan Lila,, I will do that now! I have to go out shortly to walk the dogs (at least they love me) .

Please keep going with the stern talking to...and I will be back. Not like the man who doesn't reply!

It's good that you can't be thick skinned! You just need to find better men, not to care less about them. My DSis met a bloke from a dating site. He's a lovely chap. She'd chosen one knobjockey after another, then she let her DS (who is a very sharp 17 yo) start choosing for her. She met this chap straight away and they've been happy ever since. If you always seem to get these useless types then perhaps you need to find a sharp-witted perceptive friend who wants the best for you to choose your dates for a while?

I think I will have a little break from dating,,,damn man,,,,ruined my week....

oh wise(ish) MNers, is there any reason why OP should not text You're dumped to the prat?

TheSilverPussycat - because he's already dumped her. You can't dump someone who's dumped you. I don't recommend it, but I suppose if it's makes her feel better...

good question Silver,,,why can't I do that? Am I hanging onto a thread of hope that I am not dumped...

Because he sounds like the kind of dickhead who always wants the upper hand. If you text dump him, I bet he will text something back like 'Just as well because ... clever insult, clever insult, clever insult'.

Remember - you are nice and he is not so it is not a level playing field. Just don't engage at all.

OP, dont beat yourself up. Unfortunately the murky world of online dating is full of liars, bullshitters, timewasters, weirdos, porn addicts, the list is endless. Think of pretty much any character flaw a man can have, and you'll find it on a dating site. It's very much a case of it being THEM, not you.

Before I tried online dating I was full of confidence and thought nice, decent men would be falling over themselves to date me, because I'm a bloody great catch. How wrong I was on both counts. Possibly nice men would be falling over themselves, but the chances of finding one such man among the shit is so small, theres more chance of winning the lottery!

Thanks everyone, you have all been so nice,,,,

Hatesponge, I have followed the internet dating thread on and off for a while, before taking the plunge myself. I admire you so much for being able to maintain your sense of self despite all of your setbacks. I hope you do find love and happiness. It may happen when you least expect it...

MsFish, this sort of thing makes you feel shite I know, but feelings are transient, you'll be just fine give it a bit of time and just put it down to experience:)

He's just a bastard MsFish.

Dust yourself off, give yourself a firm but bloody good shake and put it down to experience. It's his loss.

Good luck for future dates and definitely don't give up xx

Good luck to you too hatesponge xx

I have done the bloody good shake and have also done the kick up the backside as well, but I still want to email him,,,,so I am writing here instead. Oh buggery poo!

Transient feelings.....this too will past mantra...

Ok this is mu advice based on my experience......don't invite any more contact - seems obvious but the main reason why is that men like this are like boomerangs.....as soon as they get bored/horny/cold at night they come flying back and then they can really fuck with your head. He will be back - don't be there!

It is all good advice,,thank you kind mumsnetters..and because I have been able to talk here,, I have not emailed or texted....hurrah, just have to keep it up until the feelings pass.... why did I do this to myself???

MsFish thank you, although if me finding love and happiness depends on the men I meet online, I suspect my chances are infinitessimally small...

This might not help you but sometimes when I get the urge to send an inappropriately emotive email or text, I'll sit and write it out on paper. Everything I feel like saying. Then go off & have a bath and look at it a few hours later, or sometimes even the next day. Whereupon it looks like utter wank and I can happily screw it up and throw it away!

Onward though. You will feel better. And as most people have much more luck with it all than I do, chances are you will meet someone better too :)

This WILL pass and sooner than you think. Dust yourself down and get back online on the horse. Your head will soon be turned by the next distraction. Unfortunately, you will encounter a lot more knobjockeys frogs before you meet your prince. Still shit the first few times it happens... Best of luck.

Not sure I am strong enough to face more rejection, even from the knobjockeys!

Does it really get easier, getting all the knock backs after putting yourself out there?

Hatesponge, I suspect the universe has a plan for you that does not involve an internet man...fancy giving that universe request thingy a try?

I will write out the email I would like to send and then look at it again, and realise that I am a total idiot! Good for the soul!

Does it really get easier, getting all the knock backs after putting yourself out there?

I dont think unrequited feelings get any less painful, but it gets a little easier to bear when you know the painful sense of longing did fade fairly fast.

Also you know that, although you feel very sweet on someone now, the chances are that you'll look back and think he was a plonker.

I have found it gets easier to spot bad signs/red flags.

I learnt alot from online dating, had some fun and made some mistakes I hope I wont make again.
I am very cynical about relationship tho and cant really be arsed with them

Mercury, that was the trouble though, there did not seem to be any red flags as such, he was in regular contact, was very sweet when we were together, cooked me lovely food, was generous in bed, seemed to like me and seemed to trust me with a lot of personal information. How was I to know I would be dumped without a word?

I am becoming an expert on reg flags, thanks to mumsnet,,,but must have missed them here!

I suspect that there are some red flags that you unconsciously notice, so you cant exactly put it into words but you just feel that something isnt right.

That is horribly cruel, to be so affectionate and intimate with someone and then just drop them

Perhaps this is significant
'seemed to trust me with a lot of personal information'
I mean perhaps it was too much too soon?
I'm always a bit when someone I've not known for very long spills too much stuff.

Whatever the case only a spineless shiite would treat someone like that