DH wanting to go out for the evening with another woman.

[Herandhim]

I really can't decide if I am being ridiculously and needlessly insecure, or if this is not right, so hoping MN can help. DH and I have been married 10 years, mostly happy, both trust each other, although we have had a bit of a rough patch recently due to a couple of issues that we are working through.

He recently said he wanted to go to an event, that didn't really interest me. I said I would go along to keep him company, but made it clear I wasn't really bothered. Another family member, on my side, so related to him by marriage heard us discussing it and said she would go instead. I said I was happy to go along, as it would be a night out. Her reply to that was "You just want to come as you don't want me going out with him on my own" Without thinking it through I said to her that no, I wasn't that comfortable with it, and I was happy to go anyway.

So my question is, would most people be happy with their DP's going out with an attractive single female without them? Am I being silly, and should I just go along with it? I am sure this would not normally bother me, but something about it just feels wrong. I don't know if it is our other recent disagreements colouring my thinking.

Usually it's only a problem if the man is meeting the woman in secret or lying about it, which clearly isn't the case here.. Given that she's also family and presumably he's met her before, the fact that she's single and attractive shouldn't be a barrier. Was she joking about going out with him on her own? You say you trust him, so trust him....

Err if it was a family member I don't think I would care. Do you think there is something going on between them?

you are being silly.

tell them to have a good time and settle in front of the telly with a takeaway.

YAB a little bit silly ... assuming these recent 'issues' aren't fidelity related?

You're being silly or insecure/
Both DP and I go out with friends of the opposite sex when the other isn't interested in the music / place / film etc.

It shouldn't be a problem.

I'm a bit of a hypocrite here, as I've had a male friend round for cuppas, been out for a drink with him on his own and spent time with him & his DCs with my DCs.

However, if my stbxh had done the same with another woman I wouldn't have been happy, as he didn't seem to have much respect for women in general and I would have wondered why he wanted to spend time with someone else, when I was too boring for him to go out with. Had he been a more outgoing and friendly person it may not have been an issue, but to me it would have been a big red flag.

I suppose I was always a bit pissed off that he didn't mind me going out with OM, but I think he never saw him as 'a threat' because he was a SAHD (so basically a woman as far as H was concerned!). Note that he is now STBXH, due in no small part to OM, as he showed me that some men can be lovely and kind and loving to their DCs.

It depends on him and on her. If you have other issues I would address them first - this situation is a bit of a red herring I think. If you were otherwise happy with him it might not cause you a problem.

You need to get a grip (unless your H does have previous form for infidelity). This is a relative who wants to attend the event because it interests her. It doesn;t interest you. You will not ensure someone's fidelity by following them around everywhere they go - a person determined to cheat will do so.

However, a person who has no intention of cheating will sooner or later come to despise a suspicious, whiny, controlling partner and either walk away or have an affair on the grounds that, if you are constantly being accused of it you might as well do it because there's nothing to lose.

what SGB said.

SGB has it.

Is there any reason for you to be unhappy about your DP (who you know, and presumably trust) spending time with your family member (who you know, and presumably trust)?

You would have to not trust at least one of them to feel unhappy, and not trust both of them for it to become a real problem.

Your title is very misleading. Your DH wasn't "wanting to go out for the evening with another woman". He wanted to go to an event which you weren't keen on. He didn't ask the other woman, she invited herself.

Op

Get over it.

I have an array of male mates I drink and socialize with. Sometimes GASP one to one. The fact that h never even raises an eyebrow makes me love him more.

I think you're being very silly and immature.

He is not saying that he prefers her over you.

He is not spending money to do something with her that means he then can't do something with you (in fact it'll be cheaper, because she'll buy her own ticket).

He is not spending time with her to the detriment of spending time with you - it is something that you don't want to do.

I think that's the crux of it though Windsock, you have a great relationship already. When there are other problems stuff like this can just be another nail in the coffin.

I agree that its not as if your H 'wants' to go out with another woman though Herandhim, its more that he doesn't want to go alone and you didn't want to go with him. Just trying to give another perspective on the situation with my own experience, but actually in this case, at face value this shouldn't be a problem. If there are other elements at play here it will explain why you are struggling with it.

I took my BIL to a wedding with me as no kids allowed and it was near where BIL lived, there was nothing untoward about it at all and it actually made me miss my DH.

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't mind your husband going out for night with one of your relatives. However, I think it's odd that she said 'You just want to come as you don't want me going out with him on my own'. I would find this quite annoying. Is she very flirty with men? Maybe it's her you're not sure about rather than having trust issues with your husband normally?

I think what she said is a bit odd to be honest. Annoyed that you thwarted her.

No I wouldn't like it in view of what she said about you not wanting her to go out alone with your DH. She sounds as if she could be a bit of a trouble maker.

It all depends on the tone of voice she used when she said "you just don't want me going out with him on my own," which is a really childish thing to say.

My first thought was that she was joking when she said it. If not, then it is odd, but so is Herandhim's not wanting to go at first and then wanting to go.

I have found the reactions in this thread very interesting. I have more female friends than male ones, mostly from before I got married, and my wife is fine for me to go out with them. She is always welcome to come, but prefers not to. Being trusted is very nice indeed. Similarly, I don't mind when she goes out with her (mostly male) colleagues.

On the other hand, I have some friends whose partners go beserk at the idea of them meeting friends of the opposite gender. I'd hate to live like that.

I think solidgoldbrass nailed it.

I wouldn't like it because of her response to you...I also understand that you may be feeling rather insecure because you're going through a rough patch at the mo.

I don't think this is about him going out with a female friend, I think it's more about what she said. If she hadn't have said, "You just want to come as you don't want me going out with him on my own" would you have felt uneasy? Probably not.

Blimey, that's me told! I shall take your advice and let them get on with it. I think it probably is more about other things going on at the moment that have made me more sensitive than usual, rather than any distrust of either of them. Thanks all!

Normally I'd say not to worry about female friends etc, but what she said was odd and confrontational.

it also depends on how often you and DH spend evenings together. If you go out and have time together that's one thing, if not then it might be more annoying.