What are my rights - my husband is about to leave me

[irishbab]

The emotional part is going to be awful I know but a part of me is saying I need to get my practical situation sorted first before he goes...I had the big career and salary but after 3 kids(5,7,11) and staying at home looking after them I only have a part time job (about £400 per month), no savings of my own, we have a joint mortgage and a joint account . What are my rights? Am I entitled to any money from him if he goes, who pays the mortgage? Can anyone give me some practical advice as to what I should do , what should I put in place?

Thank you

I'm so sorry for you. I've been there and it's awful.

One piece of advice is don't look for a full time job until all of the finances are sorted out.

Another is get a good solicitor and make no promises until you've spoken to him/her.

Is another person involved? Do you want the marriage to end?

You will be entitled to maintainace contact csa also go on entilted to web site to find out what other benefits your entilted to. Go and see a solicitor you will get a hour hour free to get legal advice. Close all joint accounts and get them in your name.

He will have to pay you a percentage of his wages towards the children's care and upkeep, he will not be permitted to walk away without a second thought.

Is he generally reasonable? Is he leaving to be with a new partner? Is it close to a mutual decision that the marriage is over? Basically, even if you think you can trust him to be fair take legal advice. Some men are fair and reasonable about ending a marriage, but many are not; they are inclined to put themselves (and a new partner, if there is one) ahead of their children, and many lie to the partners they are leaving so it's a good idea to know all the facts before agreeeing to anything.

Don't guess, talk to a solicitor. There are all kinds of conventions and, beyond the conventions, you can reach agreements on your own terms if everyone's in agreement.

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx will help you work out what you could financially be entitled to.

Thank you all of you..in reply, no I dont want the marriage the end, this has come completely out of the blue and I dont think there is anyone else..although he is a great dad and a very good guy, who I think will be fair and reasonable I cant leave it all to chance..didnt know about the free hour with a solicitor so that is great advice thank you...cant really believe I am even having to discuss all this...trying to stop crying,,trying to hold it together and trying to hope it is some sort of mid life crisis and he wil change his mind..

irishbab - so sorry to read this. No advice but plenty of sympathy. You must feel like you've been hit by a bus.

yes a large double decker followed by a freight train.....

Absolutely don't leave 'fair and reasonable' to chance. The only person you can rely on at the moment is yourself. He is already acting out of character, by the sound of it, and he is not the person you thought you knew, so you can't safely predict anything that he will do next. It's very upsetting to have something like this imposed upon you against your will but you will get a lot of strength if you protect your and your children's interests. Good luck

Hi, Ive been there, H walked out right out of the blue, didnt discuss it with me until he walked out and it was too late. I desperately hoped it was a MLC, but it wasnt to be.

PM me if you want someone to talk to, or keep posting on here. You will get lots of help from great people

I said I was trying NOT to cry stop being so nice to me!!

So sorry you are in this situation.

I agree you need to get proper advice - CAB, solicitor (some offer first free half hour consultation) etc.

I don't want to make you feel worse but you need to be prepared for the fact that he has someone else - it is very rare for a man to walk away from his family and home comforts for nothing.

This is important to consider because it will have an impact on family finances - she will be pulling his strings so do not believe him when he says he will look after you all financially.

I hope you are getting some real life support x

my H said he would do anything so that we stayed in the house, keep paying the same money in, stay on the mortgage etc etc. sadly didnt last.

Get some financial advice, get advice from CAB, entitledto.com, advice working tax credit that you are now on your own, if you receive that.

and as Mad says above, please try and prepare yourself that there may be somebody else. i do hate to say it and wouldnt consider it myself when I was in your position, but sadly it was true.

Forewarned is forearmed.

xx

I'm another who says steel yourself, there will be someone else. Men never leave the comfort of the family home unless they have another new and shiny toy to play with.

Get yourself to a solicitor asap, and familiarise yourself with all the family finances. There is no point frantically photocopying everything in sight as your solicitor is not permitted to look at documents unless they are in your name. Make sure you have copies for yourself though, if that helps your understanding.

If you have had a long marriage, and brought similar assets in at the start, the fact you have given up work will not reduce your entitlement to the joint capital. Assuming this is the case, and that you will have responsibility for the children, you will be awarded in excess of 50%.

Your H will have to pay you child maintenance and personal maintenance, with a view to maintaining your standard of living. The amount will depend on his income, but he isn't able to walk away and leave you high and dry.

I've been there as well - I too think that usually there tends to be someone else. The best thing you can do is find yourself a solicitor - hopefully he won't fight you and you can resolve things amicably. We went through mediation.
You are entitled to child support; also, there is a principle of fairness in dividing joint assets, and there is the idea that you and your children should be provided with a place to live (roof on head) and enough to live on. You should also be entitled to a share of his pension, depending on how long you have been married.
Talk to a solicitor - find someone who can fight your corner if necessary, but not someone litigious. You can get what you are entitled to without necessarily going to court.

I would use the HMRC website rather than EntitledTo (the latter told me I'd get 20k in Income Support, but turns out I won't - I'll be lucky to get 9k in tax credits! So use the HMRC one as its more up to date)

I would also use the fact that he's being 'reasonable' to sort the finances asap, before the guilt wears off, or things become more strained.

Its the last thing you need to deal with now, with all the emotional turmoil, but as others say, if it turns out there is someone else involved you will rightly want to scream and shout, call him every name under the sun. If you are worried about how this will impact on him being 'reasonable' you won't feel free to react in the way you naturally want/need to. Even without another woman, you will be feeling up and down for a long time yet and you don't want to have to watch what you say to him for fear of upsetting him.

You will get help with your income if you're not earning much (this isn't affected by how much maintenance he gives you, so make sure you get a good deal from him). You can also get your council tax reduced (maybe even to £0), you will still get child benefit and you can get cheaper deals on your water bills etc when you are a single parent on a low income.

Your DCs are the same ages as mine, so you won't get Income Support, you will have to work a minimum of 16 hours a week (can be term time only) and you probably won't get free school meals or help with school trips etc. but you will find that you aren't that much worse off than before if your H can give you a decent amount to help with the mortgage.

You will also have the incentive to try and earn more, either by expanding on what you're doing now, or looking for something more stable (tricky working around the children I know). You can get help with the cost of childcare too, so don't let the hours put you off if you find something a bit more full-time.

Hope you can get something sorted - mine has been nearly 2 months and I'm still finding my feet, tax credits are still not through (they are really busy and it may take up to 8 weeks! But it should be back-dated).

Oh, and keep the joint account and let him know that he needs to make sure there is money in it for you to access. You won't get other money through for quite a few weeks, so he needs to treat it as if you are still living together money-wise. Any extra expenses can be put on a credit card and paid off when your tax credits come through, but for now DO NOT close down the joint account without some other access to funds in place.

actually there is value in photocopying anything in sight because you are entitled to use documents which have come into your possession legally - ie left lying around. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10799640

The statement that "Men never leave the comfort of the family home unless they have another new and shiny toy to play with" is not true. I did.

That said, if it has come out of the blue, with no discussion, previous signs of unhappiness or apparent desire to get the marriage back on track, then I am afraid it looks likely in this case.

Perhaps 'never' should have been 'very rarely' then BadLad, but unfortunately posters on here have too much experience of these situations to take it at face value and we're just trying to prepare irishbab for the 90% chance that there will be someone else.

If it turns out he's the 10% who has the balls to make the decision to leave without the safety net of another relationship, then great.

In fairness, it can be even harder to make that decision and to come to terms with it when there isn't an 'obvious' reason such as an affair, so it doesn't necessarily make it any better one way or the other.

One of my closest friends left his partner and he pays maintenance and her rent. And he has the DC 50% of the time and buys them clothes etc as and when. This has given her time and the finances to go back to work and build up a business. I reckon soon she won't need him to pay the rent anymore. If your husband is reasonable, could he agree to something like that? A temporary measure, until the youngest is at secondary school maybe?
BTW my friend wasn't leaving for another woman either, but I agree that it is very rare that they are not.

has anyone been through a difficult time like this and been able to turn it around H has said he will consider Relate..or am I clutching at straws..and HOW HOW HOW can I find out if there is someone else? I have asked him time and again and I dont know how he would have the time God am I really that naive????

Stop asking him - he will just deny deny deny and cover his tracks.

Check phone, laptop, internet history, emails etc.

People always find time for an affair e.g at work.

The only way to make him come to his senses is to detach - stop begging and pleading and start moving on, rebuilding your life etc. Find out your rights and begin formalising the split.

He might decide that the grass isn't greener after all and start begging to come back - and if you still want him, make sure he comes back on YOUR terms. The harder he has to fight to win you back, the more respect he will have for you and the more likely he won't want to lose you again.

The key is communication and it doesn't sound like he's great at that. Its not your job to fix this, you can let him know that you are open to it being fixed, but it is up to him to do the hard graft too.

I'm not sure how you get over something like this but if he is honest and open about his feelings and you are able to discuss what needs to change then you're half way there.

If he refuses to talk about it, either he doesn't want to make your relationship work for whatever reason, or he doesn't trust himself to talk to you without incriminating himself.