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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter accused stepdad

30 replies

daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:19

My daughter accused my husband of trying to touch her years ago, police investigated but no evidence. Husband moves back home after advised by police liason officer that they feel it was her way of getting me back together with her father. All was well for many years until now. My daughter found his phone recording her in her room. Needless to say i throw him out. Yet again the police say the is no evidence, owing to the fact she deleted the recording.
He still says he hasn't done it. Our marriage is over, l could never trust him.
I paid for a lie detector to get the truth. She was telling the truth all along.
The guilt i feel is enormous.
My other daughter believes her father and has moved in with him.
My family is falling apart.
Can anyone advise of a help group.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 30/07/2012 20:21

Where was the 'lie detector' from?

serengetty · 30/07/2012 20:24

My mum excused my stepfather by saying, 'oh it's because you have big boobs'. She is telling the truth. Talk to a counsellor.

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:31

Had the lie detector done at home with a member of the british polygragh society member.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/07/2012 20:32

How old are your dds?

You say your other dd 'believes her father and has moved in with him' - is he her biological father? Are contact with your 'other' dd?

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 20:33

Are you in contact etc

VicarsGoingForGoldInKungFu · 30/07/2012 20:34

why the chuffing hell did you need a lie detector? do you not trust her to tell you the truth?

she must be feeling very hurt and betrayed - i would recommend family therapy if you can get everyone together (minus your ex obviously.....)

what was he taping her for?
taping what exactly?

im not sure im following really....?

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:34

i am seeing a counsellor, but need to talk to others who have gone through the same situation. Need to help with rebuilding my daughters and my lifes.

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 30/07/2012 20:35

Oh my goodness, no suggestions but I wanted to say how much I admire you for putting your daughter first.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 20:36

Look, in a sense you have to put whatever happened in the past in the past. I understand how guilty you must feel but you've totally done the right thing by her now and none of this can have been easy on you either.

I am assuming your DD2 is your ex-husband's biological child? I understand how hard it must be for all of you but I think you've just got to say, "look, DD2, I am standing by DD1 just as I would by you and we are here when and if you are ready to accept that she is telling the truth."

I would also inform SS of your concerns, depending on her age of course.

So sorry this is happening to you all x

Olympia2012 · 30/07/2012 20:37

What was the recording of?

And why did she delete the evidence?

queenofthepirates · 30/07/2012 20:37

Easy Vicars, the OP is in between two people she is supposed to be able to trust. It's understandable she wants some proof before she takes a side. She must be going through hell so let's all try and be a bit supportive?

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:41

The pair of them were so convincing. There has been times when she's lied in the past. He was trying to video her getting undressed, fortunately is wasn't at the right angle, all he got was head and shoulders.

OP posts:
VicarsGoingForGoldInKungFu · 30/07/2012 20:43

sorry if i came across as - whatever i came across as - just i have been where the daughter has been and it hurts when your mother dismisses you and tells everyone you are a liar.

i will never see my mother again, and have not for 12 years. she was also an abuser in my eyes because she ignored me, dismissed me, and sided with my step father in the end - obviously the OP is a better person than my mother was so i m sorry if i came across as harsh.

ive nothing decent to contribute so i ll butt out. good luck op.

amstronger · 30/07/2012 20:46

Agree with Deffence,u need to let go the past,stick with your kids,evidence or no evidence, in my experience abusers never admit to abusing.Counselling also helps.

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:48

i have 3 daughters. The 21year old is the one accusing, the 18 year old has gone to live with him. The youngest is 14, she doesn't want anything to do with him. I have gone to ss but because he on longer lives in the famliy home and she doesn't want see him, they aren't getting involved. The police wont take it any further, lack of evidence. I've been left to get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 20:53

I do stand by my daughter, she was the one who wanted the lie detector done, she wanted to prove she was telling the truth all alone. He was asked to do one first, he declined. She wanted to show him as the liar he is.

OP posts:
amstronger · 30/07/2012 21:03

Stick with her,she is not lying,he's got away with it due to fuckingno evidence.When ss and police say no evidence,that's it,there's nothing you can do.(been there).Angry

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 21:20

I will forever stand by her, she and her sisters nean the world to me, they are my world.. How do you move on. It haunts my every waking hour, i even wake up having panic attacks. The doctor wont give me anything to help, due to my medical condition.

OP posts:
minceorotherwise · 30/07/2012 21:23

Sounds like a nightmare. I would be putting all of my efforts in persuading your other daughter to get away from him

Hassled · 30/07/2012 21:27

So not only are you dealing with the knowledge that the man you were with for a long time (if your shared DD is 18) is a lying wanker, you're also dealing with a huge amount of guilt. I wish I did know of a support group for you - it must be incredibly hard.

But that first time - you didn't disregard her. You called the police, they investigated and told you there was no evidence. She had lied before. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - but please don't be too hard on yourself. You clearly love her very much, and she knows that.

Original poster
daughtersmeaneverything · 30/07/2012 21:29

I'm trying but she wont listen. I understand she doesn't want to beleive it of her father. I told her i dont agree with her living with him and i'm here for her when ever she needs me. I cant do any more. i wont give up trying.

OP posts:
amstronger · 30/07/2012 21:29

Counselling is the best,is hard but with time it gets better.Life is too short for you to be miserable over this for the rest of your life,let it go and move on.

BurningBridges · 30/07/2012 23:03

I think this is the support group you need - "Mothers of Sexually Abused Children" - then click on the link for "mothers" and you should find some help, take it from there. You are right to try to find support for you and your DDs. As for other DD he's moved in with, just take it one step at a time and contact these people first:

www.mosac.net

BurningBridges · 30/07/2012 23:10

Argghh - sorry gave you USA website - this is the UK charity:

www.mosac.org.uk

queenofthepirates · 30/07/2012 23:30

I am so sorry to hear that Vicars, I wish I could give you a big hug and take away whatever's happened to you. Take care my lovely and hope someone's being good to you x

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