What a fine mess I have got myself into!

[sadwidow28]

My next door neighbour (2 children aged 2 and 4) has been suffering from a DV relationship for at least a year. She finally broke down in the back garden tonight and told her family who are over from M

They wouldn't believe her so she cried on my shoulder over the garden fence and I asked if I could go round and support her. She welcomed me in - as did her family (who I have met socially).

The husband has called me a "witch" and told the family that I have 'no life so I have to interfere with theirs'. The family couldn't control his violence and had to hold him back as he tried to attack me.

The wife has admitted to the family that he punches her - but is denying that he smacks the children and is trying to 'make light' of putting a 4 year old child in the back garden at 10.50pm when she doesn't eat her tea. The police attended the home last year when the wife reported the husband.

I took some responsibility on last August with SS and said that I would always know when to make the phone call. I hear lots of things even though I don't want to hear them.

I will lose a neighbour over this - but I am convinced that this man is out of control. Tomorrow I will have to phone SS. I think she is safe for tonight because she has family staying.

What a mess!!!!!

What a lot for you to deal with! They are lucky to have you as a neighbour!

Hope you manage to get some rest.

My concern is that you might be putting the cart before the horse and be in danger of neglecting your own safety in your desire to secure the safety of others.

From what you've said, it would seem the only additional 'evidence' you have to put before SS is what your neighbour told you and she may well have been persuaded to bow to family pressure thought better of it by now.

IMO you're best advised to visit your home police station tomorrow and make a formal complaint about her h's attempt to attack you and threat(s) to kill you and make it clear that you felt the risk to your person was serious enough to warrant staying elsewhere last night but that, obviously, you cannot continue to be a fugitive from your own home.

If his attempt to attack you was witnessed by the dc, the police should automatically refer the incident to SS and that would be the time for you to make a follow up call to your local authority outlining your continued concern for the safety of the dc.

As you are in a vulnerable position, I would also suggest that you avoid mentioning your self-appointed role as SS spy to the police and, where possible, minimise your involvement with your neighbours in order to negate any inference he or her family may make that you are some kind of witch interfering busybody who has nothing better to do with her time than pry over garden fences and lurk around under open windows with the desire to cause trouble for others.

Of course, we know you're no such thing and are acting from the very best of motives, but I'm a cynic well aware of how easily an attempt to do good right by others can backfire with unforeseen and unhappy consequences for the well-intentioned.

Please put yourself first and foremost in this matter and be prepared for a different outcome to what you may be envisaging because much will depend on your neighbour. and whether she is able to find the courage to stand up to her h. Unfortuantely, as you well know from this board, misguided 'love' can induce amnesia as well as delusion.

Proceed with caution and take special care to keep yourself safe, honey. I'll be thinking of you and looking forward to your update later today.

I have 'female neighbours' words ringing in my ear..... "Please don't report him, I will lose everything"..... "Please don't abandon me - I will have no-one"

O dear. I was busily typing away and didn't see the above until I'd posted my message (above).

Those words don't bode well, honey.

I'm wondering if you may be best advised to call a truce with him and take steps to nail the fucker by stealth resolve to act the next time he steps out of line.

It may go against the grain but you've got to weigh up the possibility that your neighbours may close ranks against you, deny that there was any attempt by him to attack or threaten you, and you'll have to continue to live next to a man who believes himself to be above the law - and certainly above you and his dw.

On balance I'm inclined to the view that you should report his attempt to attack you as outlined in my post of 03.22 in order to establish the infamous 'paper trail' for his dw and take it from there.

Shite. You don't deserve this.

hi Izzy

SW, I have to second what izzy said. Although it sounds like you are pretty clued up, you have to be prepared for the fact is is quite likely that your female neighbour will sell you up the river under pressure from her abuser and the extended family.

Please make sure any steps you take have your own safety at the forefront.

Definitely take whatever steps you can to protect yourself primarily SW. Please report his attacks on & threats to you to the Police.

I have been in your neighbour's position - people telling me that ex was a 'gentle giant', I must have provoked him, I am difficult to live with. I feel for her so much. There were many times when I couldn't get to a phone when I needed help. I would have given anything to have a neighbour dial 999 for me. But please look after yourself too.

Hi AF. Welcome home - we've missed you

Are you ok sw?

thanks izzy

I believe you are on your jollies now. Givusawave from the good ole US of A

Glad you are safe. It doesn't sound like she would be willing to press charges which leaves you in a difficult position, but she obviously needs your support , I can't believe that the family don't believe her, that's awful!

hi there, skye x Hope you are ok.

Hi AF. Up and down as always! But getting there slowly! Good holiday?

Yes thanks. Glad to hear you are getting there slowly. I hope SW is ok this evening.

Uncle Sam sends his best, AF, and I'll give you a wave from the beach tomorrow. Not a sea wave - a wave a la Her Maj but with more enthusiasm and maybe a pom pom or two

Just a quick bump in the hope that sw's absence is due to a loose internet connection.

Hi, sw - how's it hanging?

sw please look after yourself. I've just been reading your wonderful help for jandj and can't believe you're going through all this yourself at the same time.
You are just amazing.

Police force. Not police authority. Two quite different things

As I read it, sw reported an incident by phone to the police in her hometown and subsequently left her home address to go to her holiday home, the address of which would appear to come under the remit of another regional police authority.

And your point is, Windsock?

I logged back into here yesterday after a day of phone calls on Monday. SS said the same as you izzy, it is likely that the wife will back down and close ranks. As the husband wasn't actually violent on Sunday night (only shouty at wife and threatening to me) it is a difficult one to call.

I will go back home tomorrow because I have personal commitments but I am not looking forward to it.

It seems to me that the stars on JandJ's thread have had part to play here, honey.

Your home police appear to have no record of your call and all you have to put before SS is what your neighbour may have told you rather than anything you've witnessed with your own eyes.

On balance, IMO you're best advised to do nothing further at the present time; go home with your head held high and don't hesitate to dial 999 and report your neighbour's h's earlier threats to you if he so much as looks at you the wrong way.

However, my guess is that he'll either studiously ignore you or act as if nothing untoward occurred.

Your neighbour may be cowed under orders not to engage with you again and, if this proves to be the case, all you can do is hold a watching brief and dial 999 if you should see or hear anything that causes you to believe that either she or the dc are being abused.

If you should need to make an emergency or non-emergency call to the police in respect of this or any other neighbour, ask that your identity as the caller who raised the alarm is kept confidential - IME the police are very good at keeping schtum in these matters.

I really must invest in prescription glasses - I completely missed I had to drop my bag on the drive because male neighbour came out and lunged for me in your account of getting to your holiday home.

I reiterate - if the fucker so much as looks at you the wrong way when you are entering/leaving your home don't hesitate to call 999, report his earlier threats, and fix his wagon once and for all.

I suggest that before you pull up outside your home you enter 999 in your mobile ready to press the call button when get out of/unload your car - and carry your phone as if it's a cross warding off vampires.

Courage will get you through, honey, and I know you've got no shortage of that commodity.

A police authority is like the governing body of a police force. They aren't the police. Google it, you'll see.

Agree with everything Izzy says. Don't hesitate to dial 999 if you feel threatened, especially if he lunges at you again. I think your neighbour isn't ready to deal with the fallout of breaking up with an abusive partner yet - despite how frustrating that is for you, it can (unfortunately) take time. It will take even longer given her family seem unlikely to be offering her support.

Again, summon your immense strength, go home and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

I am back home!

I did exactly as Izzy said and had 999 in my phone ready to press. The husband's car wasn't there, but I am not taking any chances at the moment. I had to go to the post office this afternoon and took the dog with me. He is very gentle and calm in disposition but has a great big loud bark if a man approaches me (enough to put the bejeebus up the twat next door!)

I'll keep the dog very close if I have to walk down my drive or to my car.

I know I shouldn't have to live like this - but I did offer to support my female neighbour on Sunday night so I have only myself to blame for my predicament now. I can't blame her, she was totally distraught and still lives in fear and forgives everything because 'he had a terrible childhood'.

However, I have been told by the police that the next time there is 'shouty' behaviour I just have to dial 999 and they will be at the address 'in an instant'. That's progress! I won't need to intervene other than make a phone call..... and that will be MY decision.

Take care, SW. You are doing a good thing x

You don't have anything to blame yourself for, sw. You did what any rightminded and right thinking individual would do in endeavouring to be of assistance to a neighbour who asked you to help her.

Keep your guard up when entering and leaving your home - and keep your mobile primed and ready to rock&roll when doing so.

From my little book of quotations 'moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in man' and this is one that I know to be true.

In acting as you did you've racked up a bundle of points with the great brownie in the sky, and you should award yourself a gi-normous pat on the back and a of course

And please give your loyal companion a special 'well done' woof from me for being there to give you that extra little bit of confidence to face the fucker down if necessary.

As for his 'terrible childhood', it seems to me that he's determined to make his dc suffer for the sins of his dps. Twunt!