My ten year 'relationship' is finally over and I'm in bits

[garageflower]

I have lurked here for years but posted rarely. I don't know where to start but I'll keep it brief.

I got with my ex boyfriend straight after university. It meant settling back in my home town, not going travelling with my friends as planned and at first I thought he was worth it. After a couple of years I started to resent the choices I'd made, mainly because he developed a weed habit, couldn't hold down a job and I felt like I became his mum. However, I loved him very much and was determined that this relationship would be a success.

Eventually we moved in together which was a disaster as he didn't stop the weed as promised, still had job issues and we ended up getting into a lot of debt (in my name) and had to move in with my mum. It got to the point where it seemed like he didn't care and I couldn't see a way out. I would wake up every day not wanting to go on and eventually, to my ultimate disgust and shame, I had an affair.

Very early on, I told ex that it was over and he was devastated and begged for another chance, promising to change all the things that were wrong. By this point I felt so numb towards him that I did not know what to do. I ended up, in effect, in a relationship with two people and it all came out two years ago.

I am not looking for sympathy on this and I know many people will hate me who have been on the receiving end of betrayal, I hate myself every day for it.

We decided to give it a go, went to Relate but after a year of this, he just felt unable to really move on and at the time we both felt it was best to end the relationship and be friends. However, this friendship ended up in some kind of limbo where we were basically still a couple, got on so well, shared a bed and spent so much time together and didn't see other people.

I was made redundant last November and now have a new job and share a flat with my brother so thought we were both doing well at getting on with things and each other. In the last few months, I think I fell back in love with him but I don't know if that's just me, as per usual, being scared of being alone and now he has met someone.

We want to remain good friends, but I cannot believe how upset I am that it's actually over. I know it's my own fault and I do want him to be happy, but I can't stop thinking about the last ten years and feeling so sad at how it's all turned out.

All my friends and family have said it's for the best. He didn't make me happy and I probably would have always felt like I was in the wrong relationship, but at the moment, I feel so lost.

Not expecting sympathy but I just want to know that this feeling will go. I feel terrible that I put him through so much pain, I don't know how we got here.

You can add your best wishes for JandJ and her dh here, honey. We need all the prayers we can muster in our quest to get them both through the coming week: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1518374-Ive-gone-into-complete-panic-mode-Verging-on-hibernation-mode-Please-help

Start saving pennies for a holiday of a lifetime and, in the meantime, plan low cost days out by coach or cheap rate rail travel (if there is a such a thing these days)

It's not about the destination - it's about enjoying the journey and gaining new perspectives with every mile you travel.

Izzy, I've posted on that thread. Really hope things go well, this place is amazing.

Yes, I will certainly try and get out and about more. I do have lots of friends and also like my own company generally, just at the moment feel a bit stuck and wallowy but it will pass.

Not a lot to add to all the great posts- but simply that you are not too old for children anda new start.

An old friend of mine married at 35, and had 2 DCs in her late 30s. It's quite common nowadays- so don't think it's not.

If all your family and friends have said it's for the best, then that's a very strong sign that they really felt this wasn't right for you, which I think you know yourself.

It's also quite possible that you will be able to keep your good friendship with your xp, given time - probably more likely than if you tried to continue as a couple - and that you can have that and a romantic partnership that makes you happy. I understand the fearfulness of change and upheaval and the need for what you know, but at the same time, this is a great opportunity. There is a great quote from Joseph Campbell that you've reminded me of: "You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.?

Although tbh it sounds like the life you've had with your xp was in a number of ways not 'planned' at all, but you get what I mean, I hope.

i was in your position last yr... finally getting rid after ten yrs. it was awful we were still living together but not together he was onthe weed ets and i just didnt like him. the thought of sleeping w him made me gag :-D i got over him very quickly after thinking i could be alone forever n on the heap at 30.

i met my new guy and i couldnt be happier. good luck x

peter - I love hearing things like that. It's terrifying to think I would have left it too late.

Eighties - that's a great quote. I have been inspired by what everyone has said tonight. I know I'll wake up tomorrow (if I sleep) feeling awful all over again but I will try to remember all these great posts and probably keep waffling on here too.

Thank you all so much. I was scared of posting, but I'm so glad I have.

Lora - that made me smile. It's so easy to believe you're on the scrapheap even thought you know it's silly.

Sounds like we have had failry similar experiences.

you will be just fine - and please don't think 31 is old. I thought i was old at 30 meeting now DH, which seems ridiculous now ( at 42). I have DSs at 34 and 36, i have other friends who met partners at 35 and then had 2 kids after that.

Please don't panic, just get out there and enjoy life and the rest will follow

Thanks Monkey, I really appreciate it.

Well managed to get through work only crying once (when I got home). Planning on a gym session tomorrow to get those endorphins going and my friends have been ace.

I know there will be bad days too but thanks for everyone's comments so far. Funny how someone moving on can make you want them back desperately but I suppose that shows it's not real.

Hurrah nice one op!! Reward yourself.
Swimming also good at these times if you feel in danger of sobbing
Onwards and forwards and upwards
Xx

Well done for holding it together at work - in my book as long as you leave your sad thoughts in the loo and go back to your desk with a smile on your face, the odd sob in the ladies doesn't count.

Small changes help us to get into the habit of embracing change instead of seeing it as a threat.

Go to work/come home by a different route, or get off the bus early and walk the rest of the way. Have lunch in a place you haven't tried before.

If you're on smiling/nodding terms with neighbours as you pass them in the road, stop and talk to one - just a 'what a nice day/evening' and maybe a comment about someone's lovely garden/colour of their front door.

Involve yourself in your local community. If you've got a nice looking local (well kept hanging baskets are a good omen) pop in for a quick one on the way home from work and do a bit of people watching - if it has attentive bar staff you'll only need to go a couple of times before you're treated as a regular and become part of the furniture rather than a 'woman on her own in a bar'

I think you will get over this more quickly if you don't have any contact (including checking facebook etc.) with your ex for at least a few months. Good luck.

Good luck with everything OP - baggagereclaim.co.uk is a good site to check out too

Thanks ladies.

Well I went to the gym and can't believe it took me so long to go - felt really good for going.

Still very sad of course and scared of the bad days but everyone's been lovely so I'm going to focus on getting in the best shape I can, meeting new people but also spending quality time with friends and family.

And spending time on here

Well ex messaged me today to check I was ok etc. Perfectly nice message, kind of made me sad though, but told him it's going to be a while before I'm ok to be friends.

Need to blow up my little bubble again.

As others have said, 31 is actually a pretty good age to have a split. You've had enough of a life lesson from what's happened to make a better choice next time. You've still got time to get over the whole thing, have some fun, and find someone way better to have babies with, if that is what you would like.

My main advice to you is to be kind to yourself, do fun things - join that morris dancing class or whatever silly thing would make you smile ;) - and avoid relationships for a bit if you can. And don't beat yourself up - we'd all be geniuses with the benefit of hindsight. And you spend a lot more time trying desperately to be loyal than being disloyal!

I had a massive long term relationship split around then (also after having an exit affair from a very tricky situation) and felt like I'd messed my whole life up. Now I am blissfully happy and at ease in a relationship that just feels so different to all that, with a little son. I felt so rubbish at the time, but it was honestly the best course for me - without my bad experiences I might not have made such a good choice this time.

Crazyhead, thanks for your story. It's horrible knowing he would have loved me forever, but that's not enough, especially when you know you're not attracted to them on top of EVERYTHING else.

Thank you and congratulations on how it's all turned out!

I don't have a great deal more to add to the excellent advice already given here, but having been through sonething similar I can reassure you that in time, you will come to see this as the best thing that could have happened and a new start to your life. I was with my ex for 11-odd years, splitting when I was 32. Whilst realistically I knew it was for the best - like you, there was no physical attraction and I knew in my heart we had simply been friends and house mates for a long time, letting go of my secure and existing life was very hard. But it was THE best thing I ever did. I had a fab time being single for a while, standing on my own two feet, taking career opportunities I probably wouldn't have previously...before meeting the genuine love of my life. We now have a wonderful 11wo DD and things couldn't be better. You can do this. Good luck x

Thanks HKat. I worry, sometimes, that I mistook that lack of attraction etc for the fact that it's just how it is after so long and that friendship is how successful relationships just end up. But in my situation, it can't have been the case. So sad. If we met now, we would probably be great together Seems like our next partners will benefit from our very painful lessons. What a waste :(

Well had a lovely family weekend and got ridiculously upset today. Couldn't stop crying, horrible dreams etc. I know there will be bad days, just can't help thinking we could have worked things out. But anyway.

His sister messaged me earlier to see how I was and that even she thinks I can do better. It's a mess. Hard to imagine ever getting a connection with someone again after so long but Sunday night blues prob not helping. Sorry, this is turning into a diary!