Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

(1000 Posts)
JackieandJudy Sun 15-Jul-12 15:39:00

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. sad

izzyizin Sun 15-Jul-12 16:09:37

Of course you're shaking and crying at random moments, honey, but you know that you can and you will keep it together for your dh and your dc, not just for the next week but for as long as it takes.

I would suggest that you set aside time each day/evening to privately have a good wallow; rail at fate, shake your fist at the sky, or simply bawl your eyes out. And then dust yourself down and start all over again.

Hold fast to the thought that, although the odds may not be particularly favourable, this op would not have been scheduled if medical opinion was that nothing could be done for your dh.

And know that miracles do happen - and they happen far more frequently than you may currently believe.

Let it all out here. Regard this thread as your personal space to unload/offload/download; to take stock and to ponder what you may consider to be unthinkable, and express what you may believe to be inexpressable, because those are the thoughts that have the power to haunt and unsettle us at times when we need to hold steady.

Get your wobbling done here and you'll spare yourself some of the trauma you usually experience after a crisis.

Your dh, yourself, and your dc will be in the thoughts and prayers of many and their strength will get you through.

JackieandJudy Sun 15-Jul-12 16:14:45

Thank you so much izzy. Can't say much more than that at the moment, finding it difficult to even type, but can't tell you how much I appreciate your htoughts.

Cailleach Sun 15-Jul-12 16:18:15

I'm sorry, this must be really stressful for you - I'm not surprised you're all out of trying, if you've been coping with something like this for years it will gradually wear you down.

The only thing I can really say is that this is totally out of your control now - it's all up to the medics from here on in...which is probably what makes it so scary. Try to focus on what you can do - practical stuff, like helping the kids - rather than the outcome on Monday, because to be honest what will be will be and there isn't much you can do about that right now.

Please spoil yourself today...go get yourself and the kids some cakes, biscuits, pop; get a takeaway or cook ready meals tonight, make life as easy on yourself as you can. And don't do what I do and be too proud to ask for help - are there relatives or friends around that can pitch in with some practical help for the next few days?

Finally I just wanted to say that my 90 year old Gran had a gallbladder op three weeks ago - she'd had gallbladder stones for some time but due to her age they were (understandably) reluctant to operate. In the end they had no choice as she was deteriorating pretty quickly, so decided to give her two options - have the op, or let nature take its course.

We were warned that due to her age and general health she would be unlikely to survive. Well, she did, and is sitting up happily in bed drinking tea and driving the nurses nuts, and already looks ten times better than she did this time last month.

So you never know smile

Wishing you all the best for Monday..x

amillionyears Sun 15-Jul-12 16:39:21

We can hand hold every day on MN!
I suspect there are even MN people about during all hours of the night if you feel the need.
You are bound to wobble.Who wouldnt.
Good posts above.
And good luck and prayers for next monday.

Earthymama Sun 15-Jul-12 16:43:48

Just want to say, your reactions are normal, no-one in RL will judge you.

Blessings to you and yours EM xx

yellowraincoat Sun 15-Jul-12 16:49:44

Oh, you poor thing, that sounds so stressful and scary.

I don't really have any wise words, just wanted to let you know that your reactions sound beyond normal (hell, I think it's pretty impressive you were even IN Sainsburys, pretty sure many wouldn't be able to function on that level).

Is there anything you can do to ease the pressure a little? How about doing online grocery shopping if it's available where you live? You can save everything in your account and just click a couple of buttons to re-order. Of course, maybe for you getting out of the house is a bit of respite.

We're thinking of you x

Another hand to hold here Jackie. I'll even let you dig your nails in a bit if you like x

JackieandJudy Sun 15-Jul-12 16:57:39

Thank you so much everyone - am reading and taking on board but just finding coherent responses difficult to come up with. Don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciating the time and thought they have put in to reading and replying.

yellowraincoat Sun 15-Jul-12 17:02:17

You don't need to write coherent responses, OP. We're still here for you x

izzyizin Sun 15-Jul-12 17:18:22

You don't need to respond, honey.

One of us will keep this thread bumped up this board for the next 2 weeks at least and it'll be on the opening page whenever you feel that you want to read it or add to it.

And, as amillion has said, this shop's open 24/7 - when the Brits go to bed the Yanks are looking forward an evening's mumsnetting and the Ozzies are having lunch before checking out what's happening here.

You and yours will be the recipients of thoughts and prayers from all around the world - they'll pack a punch and you'll feel them holding you up.

foolonthehill Sun 15-Jul-12 19:34:38

another hand and some prayers here: life's a bit busy so i won't be posting much but will be here, promise.

izzyizin Mon 16-Jul-12 08:55:19

Good morning, honey, and I hope you and your dh got a decent night's sleep.

Your thought for today is 'Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles is not a realist'

Spiritedwolf Mon 16-Jul-12 09:08:11

Good Morning.

This is a really difficult thing your family is going through. You are allowed to cry and lean on friends at times like this. You need to have support to help you support your family (pull on your own oxygen mask first!) Its okay for you to be sad and scared.

You are putting a lot of extra pressure on yourself to be handling this in a particular way. Extra pressure you really don't need at the moment. Its okay for your children to see that you are sad and anxious, that's how they feel too and it okay to express those feelings by having extra hugs that might be a bit wet with tears. Give yourselves permission to feel sad, once you've experienced the emotion it'll lose its overwhelming feeling and you'll have more space for hope and bravery. If you keep trying to bottle it up it'll keep spilling over in Sainsburys.

Look after yourself. If you had a friend going through this, you wouldn't want her to be alone dealing with all this. Its not about pity, its about letting friends be supportive.

If any of that is too much to think about just now, then don't worry about it. Just keep posting here about how you feel. You aren't alone brew

Beckamaw Mon 16-Jul-12 09:13:40

Gosh, I think you are doing wonderfully!
It is so hard to be the one who has to 'hold it all together'.
In your position I would be a nervous wreck!
I am sending positive vibes to you all. Do you have some good RL support? If not, where are you in the country? Bet we could muster some up.

JackieandJudy Mon 16-Jul-12 14:25:13

Hi ladies, I'm feeling stronger today, probably because I've had to get on and do "Monday". And definitely because of all the kind wise words you threw at me yesterday. You will never know how much I appreciated the fact that total strangers took the time to think and care about me and mine.

Yesterday was unchartered territory for me, I don't usually feel so close to the edge, but I was barely hanging on until you lot came and pulled me back. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but that's really how I feel. And I will let you know what happens, as and when. Thank you again.

yellowraincoat Mon 16-Jul-12 14:33:33

I'm glad you're feeling better today OP.

It sounds like it's going to be a hard road but we're here if you need us, any time.

JackieandJudy Mon 16-Jul-12 14:45:34

Thanks yellow - i've just seen that you're having problems of your own to contend with, so hope that all works out for you too.

yellowraincoat Mon 16-Jul-12 14:46:08

Thanks JackieandJudy

izzyizin Mon 16-Jul-12 14:53:20

If you drop any more apples in Sainsbury's, pick 'em up and start juggling in the aisles grin

And know that when you're spinning those plates as you walk the tightrope you've got a safety net here, but we've got no intention of letting you fall.

sadwidow28 Mon 16-Jul-12 15:24:59

Another one here joining for the hand-holding and bumping the thread. Don't worry about replying to us - just try and look in each day and read how many people are thinking about you and supporting you.

As for the apple incident, I was once where you are and I burst into tears outside Tesco because I couldn't push the trolley up a little curb. (Shopping on my own whilst DH was seriously ill.) Oh I was usually 'all-together' like you, did all the caring and kept life together on an even keel. That trolley caught me at a very vulnerable moment and I stood in the car park sobbing! A very kind couple came over and asked what was wrong. They must have thought I was 'mad' when I said, "I can't get my trolley up the kerb". In two shakes, up it went and then they stood with me whilst I explained that my husband was seriously ill and I had just had a momentary melt-down.

If it helps, I took a day at a time. If you can, don't focus on next Monday..... focus on TODAY. Make sure that every day has a highlight that is special. I did 'favourite meals' as one of my 'daily happy specials'. Also, nominate an hour or two each evening to soak in a bubble bath (with soothing music) and unwind. If you want to cry then, let it out. You will get out of the bath, dry yourself off and wipe your tears away, find yourself invigorated and ready to get on with the next special day.

I send you my prayers and a very un-MN hug.

Another one amazed that you are still out and about!

I have had panic attacks in supermarkets and have often abandoned my trolly and run outside to throw up, sob and generally quiver in the car grin

How you are feeling is absolutely normal in the circumstances. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can. AND THAT IS FINE.

foolonthehill Mon 16-Jul-12 19:09:47

well done, keep on going. Wobble when you need.

sadwidow28 Mon 16-Jul-12 23:05:03

Just checking in to see if OP needs any over-night hand-holding.

I will be up for another 3 hours ......................

izzyizin Tue 17-Jul-12 03:26:04

Handing your thread over to the early birds with a bump, JandJ

This thread is not accepting new messages.