My ten year 'relationship' is finally over and I'm in bits

[garageflower]

I have lurked here for years but posted rarely. I don't know where to start but I'll keep it brief.

I got with my ex boyfriend straight after university. It meant settling back in my home town, not going travelling with my friends as planned and at first I thought he was worth it. After a couple of years I started to resent the choices I'd made, mainly because he developed a weed habit, couldn't hold down a job and I felt like I became his mum. However, I loved him very much and was determined that this relationship would be a success.

Eventually we moved in together which was a disaster as he didn't stop the weed as promised, still had job issues and we ended up getting into a lot of debt (in my name) and had to move in with my mum. It got to the point where it seemed like he didn't care and I couldn't see a way out. I would wake up every day not wanting to go on and eventually, to my ultimate disgust and shame, I had an affair.

Very early on, I told ex that it was over and he was devastated and begged for another chance, promising to change all the things that were wrong. By this point I felt so numb towards him that I did not know what to do. I ended up, in effect, in a relationship with two people and it all came out two years ago.

I am not looking for sympathy on this and I know many people will hate me who have been on the receiving end of betrayal, I hate myself every day for it.

We decided to give it a go, went to Relate but after a year of this, he just felt unable to really move on and at the time we both felt it was best to end the relationship and be friends. However, this friendship ended up in some kind of limbo where we were basically still a couple, got on so well, shared a bed and spent so much time together and didn't see other people.

I was made redundant last November and now have a new job and share a flat with my brother so thought we were both doing well at getting on with things and each other. In the last few months, I think I fell back in love with him but I don't know if that's just me, as per usual, being scared of being alone and now he has met someone.

We want to remain good friends, but I cannot believe how upset I am that it's actually over. I know it's my own fault and I do want him to be happy, but I can't stop thinking about the last ten years and feeling so sad at how it's all turned out.

All my friends and family have said it's for the best. He didn't make me happy and I probably would have always felt like I was in the wrong relationship, but at the moment, I feel so lost.

Not expecting sympathy but I just want to know that this feeling will go. I feel terrible that I put him through so much pain, I don't know how we got here.

You need to give serious thought, maybe even get counselling, to find out why you felt the need to stick out this crap, unfulfiling relationship with such a massive bloodsucking loser for so long. Sorry to be harsh, but that is how it looks from here. STOP feeling bad about having an affair. You needed to do something to end it, and your subconscious chose that in an attempt to free you. Obviously, don't make a habit of it but honestly, you did not put him through so much pain. He put YOU through debt, weed, lack of interest and messing you about. Move on - he has (found someone else to leech off, I expect). Build up your self esteem and make sure that you pick someone who deserves you next time, and don't keep trying to flog a dead horse of a relationship for ten years. They are supposed to be more fun than that.

We all miss what we are used to, to a certain extent. Even sometimes when the things and people we miss aren't always nice to us, it's a comfort when they are there.

If you get on great not as an official couple, then that's probably it. The relationship label was perhaps a bit too heavy for the two of you and you just suited eachother as FWB or something similar.

I know it's difficult to move on when you have felt so close to someone in the past but sometimes it's just what needs to happen. You both probably would have been in limbo longer if he hadn't met this other person. Be happy for him and be open to new experiences yourself.

Sometimes it takes losing someone to know how much they meant to you. But sometimes it's just that emotional bond that you have with someone - especially if you have known them a long time and from a young age. You will forever have a bond and that will never go away. It's learning to cope with the new situation.

I just want to say thank god you dont have kuds with him - the saddness will definitely go. There's definitely someone better out there for you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Chin up;)

Thanks for the replies so far. I have tortured myself for a long time about why I must have had such low self-esteem. There are many reason for it and yes, I do think the affair was the only why my brain could see a way out (although I am still shocked at myself for it) and I have been to the doctor to get anti depressants and arrange some counselling.

My head tells me that it's for the best and I do want the best for him also. The whole experience has turned him into a far nicer person and I suppose I'm sad that I didn't get the chance to experience him like that. I keep remembering how much he begged and I just wasn't interested. Everyone tells me that it wasn't what I wanted to do.

Yes, we would have been in limbo and I suppose I would have missed out on meeting someone far more suitable. Right now I feel so alone and paralysed with sadness.

I suppose I'm just remembering all the good times (there were some) and scared that no-one will want me. I'm 31, not on a great wage and generally just don't feel like I will have the marriage, kids that I want. God I feel sick.

Sorry, I sound pathetic.

No you don't sound pathetic, you sound human.

It wasn't right at the time and it isn't right now, but for different reasons.

You still have time! My aunt had her first baby at 34 and then her second at 38. She got married at 33 and she's perfectly fine now.

Just be open to new experiences. It wont happen straight away. Give yourself a few weeks/months etc to get yourself accustomed to it not being the same anymore. Don't go actively hunting for someone new, but always deep that door open. I was 6 months after a heartbreak (which now seems ridiculous, way I add!) when I started dating my current partner who was a friend at the time. We are engaged and although we aren't perfect, most things are excellent in our relationship.

Stay strong.

You put him through so much pain? Given what you've said, it would seem that the scales are weighted in his favour.

You went against your better judgement many years ago and it would seem you struggled against the odds to convince yourself, and most probably others, that you'd made the right choice in sacrificing your opportunities for a man who had no compunction about plunging you into debt and despair.

He became a bad habit and you now feel lost because you've, rightly, gone cold turkey and haven't yet embraced your freedom and begun to look at the possibilities for personal fulfillment that are now open to you.

Until you have re-established yourself as an individual in your own right, you're best advised to keep him at arm's length.

Maybe in time you can be 'good friends' and meet without any desire to rake over the ashes looking for a spark to rekindle the flame, but until that comes to pass keep your eyes firmly on what you can do to achieve happiness in the present and in the future - and don't look back.

I don't know how we got here You got here because, in the words of the song, 'life is what happens while you're busy making other plans'. To minimise the feeling of time flying, focus on the moment and enjoy every minute of what can be your wonderful new life.

We're not here to find ourselves, honey. We're here to create ourselves. Resolve to create a 'you' who aspires to be all that you can be.

I'm overwhelmed with the messages here. I wasn't expecting such understanding and I am so, so grateful.

I know I'm lucky in many ways and also, in time, if we do become proper friends, then that's amazing considering what we've put each other through.

It's stupid because I haven't wanted to be with him. I have been upset and full of regret but I haven't desired him in a sexual way for a long time and I don't still, so it seems ridiculous that the idea of him meeting someone is plunging me into such despair. Surely this is a good thing.

The last two years have been mainly us being such close friends and now I'm losing him properly and god, all I can think of is the happy times.

When will the sick feeling and stomach churning and everything else go! I can't even motivate myself to get off the sofa and go for a wee, let alone eat!

I just hope I haven't left it too late to meet someone and be happy. Feels like everyone I know is in a couple.

You don't need to be half of a couple to define or validate yourself.

Enjoy living the single life you should have opted for when you left uni and let possibilities for new relationships come into your life in their own time.

Place a high value on yourself because if you don't, no-one else will.

You're doing yourself a great disservice by 'wallowing' as that sick feeling will go as soon as you get your arse off the sofa and start getting 'out there'.

I believe in the therapeutic effect of a good wallow but it needs to be time limited. Half an hour a day is more than enough time to spend weeping and wailing; anything more is self-indulgent and serves no useful purpose.

Have faith in yourself, honey. As your new life unfolds you won't be able to find time, or have any inclination, to wallow.

You're right about the validation, Izzy. I'm just so used to being with him in one form of another. Even if it's just been hanging out at his on a Saturday or watching the football (which I love), he's always been there. It's been me that's pulled away and I suppose he's been a safety net, which isn't fair.

Everything feels tipped upside down at the moment. My rational self says it will be fine, I just want it to be. I do want a family and marriage and hope it does come my way.

It's not even like he wants to cut contact. I haven't lost anything apart from that safe feeling of knowing that someone loves me and is there for me. And that's just silly isn't it. I need to be strong.

practical: IME it normally takes about 7 days to regain appetite.
small steps. i found acting out tiny daily goals each day and calling a friend to be accountable for them helped me with transition into a new life

a family and a marriage is probably nearer for you now even though it seems further away

Ekidna - thank you. It's really useful to hear how people have got on with things from a practical level too.

My job is quite stressful so I'm trying to see that as a good thing and that I'm not going to be crying at my desk every 5 minutes.

god and it sounds like such a bloody hideous cliche, but I found not "fighting" the feelings and "allowing them to be" got me through too. and I had to switch off music for a while.

Yes, I'm trying to think that although I feel worse than I have in a long time, at least I'm not a path that will eventually lead to what I want.

Oh god, music, eurgh, your brain just connects everything to them doesn't it, especially after so long.

I just find it unbelievable that I am so upset about someone that I haven't been actively wanting to be in a relationship with for so long. Why why why??

you were connected to him by a lot of threads so of course it is going to be painful

you are soooooooooooooo going to be okay

It helps to hear thata this is a normal reaction. Been driving myself mad with the thought that perhaps I love him after all and I've messed up with the person I'm supposed to be with.

But that is nonsense, yes?

There may be a space that another body usually occupied in the bed, but you'll soon be relishing the opportunity to spread out.

Other than marriage/dc which can easily stay on the back burner for a few years, have some ambition that you want to fulfil before you commit yourself to another relationship.

Is there some place in the world you've always wanted to visit? Some sight you'd love to see? Would you like to work abroad?

Throw yourself into your work and plan a holiday for yourself. Backpacking around the Greek Islands, whale watching off the coast of Maine, marvelling at the freshness of the Vermeers in the Rijksmuseum?

Whatever you may have thought you'd never get to achieve is now within your sights.

As for music, now is a good time to start listening to other genres. Modern jazz, classical, opera, cajun, japanese, sirtaki, russian folk songs; anything other than the blues

He may have been your comfort blanket, but you're a big girl now and you're more than capable of comforting yourself with philosophical thoughts and dreams of a brighter future.

But that is nonsense, yes?

Yes, that is nonsense. It ran its course and now it's over. Move on and embrace a life that offers infinite possibility.

yes nonsense OP. you deserve better than codependence
woo hoo! great ideas izzy!!!

If you read this board you will see that hundreds, if not thousands, of women would love to change places with you.

They're married to twats who don't pull their weight and weighed down with responsibility to dcs, or they've reached middle-age and beyond only for their one and only to do the dirty on them.

31, single, no dc? The world is your oyster, honey. Get out there and grab enough pearls to warm your heart in old age and hand down to future generations.

I've been adding a thought for the day to a post from an OP whose dh is facing a potentially life-enhancing but also life-threatening operation in the very near future.

It isn't appropriate to add this thought to their thread at this particular time, but it's one that is apt for you as you begin to reinvent yourself as a single woman:

'Life isn't a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving with a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - strawberries in one hand, champagne in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming 'Woohoo - what a ride'.

Have fun living and enjoy the ride before you skid in sideways, honey.

I wish I had Mumsnet in the beginning!

Honestly, you lovely people have helped so much. Yes, thank god I am free; I know there are so many women that are trapped and unhappy and I am lucky that this has happened now rather than later.

I know there will be a range of emotions in the next few weeks/months but I have realised, just tonight, how helpful this place is. I can't access whilst at work but I'm determined to post more, not just about my situation, but on othe people's too.

Thank you so far and apologies in advance if I go round in circles a bit on here. I haven't got much money to do the holiday thing but I can try and do something at least.

Izzy that was a very moving post. I hope thing work out well for the person concerned.

Oh I hate this time of night where you know you won't sleep. Damn it.

But thank you, everyone so far.

You don't have to do a grand gesture if you can't afford it, but you could spend the time that you would otherwise spent on your ex studying or taking up a hobby or volunteering...anything that will improve your life and spirits, and help you to meet new people for genuine friendship. You've so much to look forward to

Yes, volunteering is something I have considered. I will shake up my sorry ass and crack on with things (I hope).

Top of the mountain is attainable.