SPEAKING TO HIS EX ON FACEBOOK. AGAIN. CHANGED HIS PASSWORD, I FEEL LIKE KILLING BOTH OF THEM!

[bellarose2011]

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. me an DP have been together 6 years and have 2 DD's 7months and 2 1/2yrs. we have a far from perfect relationship and things have been really bad for the last 6 months (stress of having to small children i think) and we argue a lot. but we do really love eachother and i think its worth saving.
some background on the ex situation. they were together for 6 years but started when they were very young so only lived together as a serious couple 2-3 yrs. they lived next door to eachother there whole childhoods.
he told me he couldn't remember how many times he cheated on her because he was young and stupid. she a skinny bitch and im jelouse of her and hate her! sooo childish i know.
when me and him first moved in together he was always very secretive of his facebook and whenever he had worked away i would see on his phone they had spoke or txt but never in front of me so i was always paranoid about them. one day i found messages in his inbox between them, there was nothing sexual but at the end they had both put 'miss you so much' 'love you so much baby'. i went beserk and made him delete her off facebook.
this was in 2009 since then she has always sent him messages and freind requests that he has ignored. i know this as ive had his password but he didn't know so wouldn't have had a chance to delete stuff.
then the other day i was snooping and found that he had sent her a message just saying hello. thay had talked about him being under the thumb but wasn't anymore, he said we aren't together anymore and havn't been for months (not true) and how he was the best boyfreind she ever had.
i am so devasted, i just can't believe after all this time and 2 kids he's dragging her back into our lives. then this morning i went to go on his FB and he had changed the password. what do i do now??
he refuses to move out under any circumstances. i just wish she would piss right off.

noway: that just made me laugh, i am absolutley outraged that he has changed his password!!
but in this postition would anyone one let there DP hide there FB from you?
also what does EA mean?

It's not her fault she's skinny! He contacted her and he lied!
If it wasn't her it would be some other skinny bitch!!!
Get rid of him - what more reason do you need, he's a cheating lying shitbag!

I don't even look at dh's if he leaves it open. Despite him having exes, female friends and workmates on there. One of my exes is one of my best friends,

We trust each other.

I don't even look at dh's if he leaves it open. Despite him having exes, female friends and workmates on there. One of my exes is one of my best friends,

We trust each other.

If you think 99% of men would cheat, you're never going to have a happy relationship.

You have unfortunately got involved with a dick; blokes like him are in the minority, thankfully.

In this instance, EA is emotional affair (you mentioned that their texts in 2009 talked about missing and loving each other)

TBH, in your position, I don't know if I would be happy with my DP having a private FB.

But I'm not in your position. I'm married to a man who hasn't cheated, doesn't cheat, and would never cheat. I know all his passwords as he doesn't hide them from me when logging into various things, but I would NEVER dream of checking any of his accounts, just as I would be furious if he checked mine, even though he knows my passwords.

i am so devasted, i just can't believe after all this time and 2 kids he's dragging her back into our lives. then this morning i went to go on his FB and he had changed the password. what do i do now??
he refuses to move out under any circumstances. i just wish she would piss right off

It's your relationship with him that is wrong, not the ex. You need to sit him down and have a grown-up conversation. Does he realise that the position he is in with you, having to put DCs first, no longer the single free life, will be the position he will be in a few years down the line with the OW.

Why move on.

What is wrong with your marriage - what does he think, what do you think. Can you compromise and put your DCs well being first - they will be bigger and off to school before you know it. Can you both work together to sort things at home?

He doesn't sound a great catch. Perhaps you need to change the locks. If he has been violent you can definitely get him moved out.

He's your partner, not her. He's the one you have to deal with.

He is chasing her. If he hasn't already screwed her - he's going to.

you have 2 choices. You can stay and accept that your partner is, has done or will screw around. And that he can be abusive. Or you can leave.

You can't control what he chooses to do, but you can take control of what happens with you.

What you do now is end it. He sounds like a serial adulterer quite frankly and if it hadn't have been her, sooner or later it would be someone else.

I sleep so much better now I'm no longer with my cheating ExH. No longer worrying about if he is where he says he is, when he'll be home, if what anything he tells me is true etc. It affected my emotions as a mum too, I was short with the kids and grumpy when we were still together. I was unhappy with him (not that I realised at the time), I did love him desperately but quite frankly our communication when together was rather frayed at times and the underlying tension was no good for the kids and the sometimes open conflict in front of them, was very bad too Mine were only 11 months and 2.3 years when it ended. My home was a place of peace after it ended. Life was a lot better.

It was hard realising it was over and I was better off without him, but I am so glad with the help of mumsnet, that I did end it. But it is a bit of a rollercoaster to begin with, as you grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you had and wanted.

Did you think 99% of men would cheat before you met your partner or has he influenced this viewpoint? If you came into the relationship thinking like that maybe you had lower expectations for him than you should've had. It must be exhausting to plan for smd bring up two children with a man you were checking up on for at least three years. Do your friends and family like your DP?

smd = and

i have always known that men would cheat given half the chasnce. my dad was a womaniser, when i was about 5 i was living with him and his girlfreind. she went away for a short time and my dad moved his stunning and very young girlfriend in. as i was so young i told his girlfreind and she left him for a few months but moved back in. and my mum used to find womans clothes in his car.

Sadly, you only think that about men because you've been involved with a dickhead.

I know plenty of great men in good relationships who love their partners and want to be with them.

Get rid of him and enjoy being on your own. If i was in a situation where i had to snoop i'd have to leave. Thank god i had my crap relationships before Facebook and texting were invented though because i would have ben a nervous wreck!

Don't generalise about men. There are plenty of threads on here to show how dreadful they CAN be, but a hundred times as many women out there who aren't posting because their partners aren't cheating.

It sounds like your bar for behaviour has been set extremely low from a very young age. I, too, would recommend some counselling for yourself once you get shot of the loser in your life. You need your "normality" radar reset so you don't end up with another drop kick like the one you're with now.

Some food for thought in the meantime:

• stop feeling lucky to be with this guy: you're not, he's awaful
• his ex is just a distraction, and focusing all your feelings of anger on her is a big mistake. She's not the one who's promised you fidelity
• you need to face up to the fact that he's cheat and decide whether you're worth more than a lifetime spend checking his emails

I think some counselling would be a good idea tbh. Not all men cheat, I think you have a lot of painful things to work through and it may have even effected who you choose for a lifelong partner

Woops! Cross posted with loads of you, as I was putting the kids to bed and posting.

Noway put it a lot better than me.

FWIW I did have counselling after my marriage ended and it has made a huge difference.

the funny thing is im not a push over in any other part of my life. but when it comes to him im so weak. i just feel in a very vunerable position, i have 2 young children and this is my only chance at a real family. i come from a long line of broken and dysfunctional family's and i don't want that for my kids.
and the fact that none of you can deny is that as a single mum with 2 kids my life is going to be very lonely. no man wants to fall in love with a woman that has 2 kids with another man, i know this because male family have told me.
also pratically i don't even know where to start in leaving him.

It's too late; your children are in a dysfunctional family relationship, and the longer you stay the more you normalise that for them. It won't be easy of course, we know that, but you are young. Don't stay with this abusive twat simply because you're afraid of being single.

It's not too late just because you have kids. Certainly doesnt hold my sil back she has a really nice chap now. much better than the kids dad.

Actually it doesn't have to be lonely. You make new friends and life is enriched somehow, once you end things with the cheating spouse, you feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. I've found that.

What you have right now is a farce really though; having to check up on him, not trusting him. His cheating. Even if it is so far just an EA, it will eventually develop into more. He has form for this.

Oh and I am dating a gawjuss pilot right now and have 2 young kids, so I really wouldn't listen to men in your family. Life is what you make it and is this what you want for your life? Actually are these men all cheaters too, is it your Dad you've spoken to?

As I said on a thread only the other day but it's worth repeating. I know you want a stable father figure for your children, but it is equally important that your children see their mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself. At the very least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them. You're not doing your kids any favours by allowing this to continue imo. Hard to swallow, but I cannot believe for a moment that the home environment right now is loving, calm and peaceful for the kids with the sort of mistrust and others issues swirling about

I suspect it may be that when the dust has settled and you have some distance on it, that you will see the relationship differently. Everything is clearer in retrospect. For when you give up the fear of losing him, you can calmly evaluate - is this what I want? And I found that to be so true. In fact I'm glad I'm not with my ExH now but I wouldn't have believed you at the time. I was desperate to make it work.

Take it or leave it. As a single parent with a 3 and 5 year old now, who was in your shoes not so long ago. It's honest advice, but only based on my experience.

Ermmm yes they do fall in love with women with 2 dcs to another man. Dp did. And he has to support mine because exdh is skint and crap with cash when he has it. A friend of mine has had her 5th baby to another guy. I could go on.

Anyway men aren't your priority and nor should they be. Your dcs having a settled home life is be it with or without the man.

What your father put you through has coloured your view and you set the bar low because of him. My dad wasn't a good husband either but he was violent. I have never dated or married a violent man. Dp is gentle. You can change the pattern.

thanks for your advice. your right a man is the last thing im worried about. i meant more in the long term, i don't want to never fall in love again. i just feel like he is the love of my life, when we first met there were sooo many reasons why we shouldn't get together and neither of us wanted to but we were head over heels in love. that probably sounds a bit weird!
you have all helped to open my eyes a bit, thanks.

Love of your life wouldn't treat you with such little respect. You need to up your self esteem once you get rid of him. Do you have many rl friends? You'll need support.

Relationships shouldn't be such hard work. You should totally trust your man not be always wondering.

i have freinds but most of them are his freinds girlfreinds. and my family all live miles away. i will be lonely. i might move nearer my family.
anyway off to take kids to bed, on my own as he is out with his mates as usual.
thanks again for advice xx

May be a good idea to move back near your family for now? night tc x