He thinks he wants to leave me, what do I do? Can't deal with it.

[me23]

forgive me if this is all over the place.

ive been with him a year end of this month.

A month or so ago he told me he's not sure how he feels about me and if he loves me enough. Which is itself a problem but he also suffers from anxiety and ocd which means he has thoughts sayinfg he doesnt love me but he not entirely sure if its his ocd making him feel this.

I've begged him to give us a go and see how things turn out in time and if he still really feels strongly about it we can deal with it then.

Yesterday he told me he has had thought of being with someone else and one girl who he met at work he met up with a few weeks ago (i knew he liked her i just felt it when i heard he met this new 'mate' he said it not a deep feeling just he likes her it was like a knife in my heart.

but I know in a relationship after honeymoon period you can begin to think grass is greener I know in previous relationships i have felt this but then stayed with my partner and that phase went and things were good again. I keep trying to convince him that it is normal to feel this and he doesnt have to act on it.

He has agreed to stop contact with this girl and she is a girl 19 he 26, im 24 now.

the fact is everyday my stomach is in knots I feel like i will fall apart if he leaves I don't mean in a normal end of relationship way i eman i feel like i will breakdown and i know i sound pathetic.

thing is when we are together (he lives at his mums i see him about 3 days a week)it so good speanding time together we have a great time and it so speacial thats why i know i have to save this relationship but i dont know how.

please help sorry for long post

bump! anyone?

TBH, and I really don'y mean to be harsh, but you really don't sound very healthy for each other. You both sound like you need strong partners, which neither of you are.

You can't save a relationship all by yourself, it has to come from both of you. If you keep clinging when he wants to leave he will grow to resent you, and if he keeps swinging from 'I love you' to 'I love you not' you will grow to resent him too.

Have a break. Don't see him for a couple of weeks. Go out and do other things and meet other people and see how you both feel at the end. Either you'll both realise that you have something worth working on, or it will be easier to see it's time to walk away.

Good Luck

I do understrand what you are saying, it does makes sense, I just love him so much and I don't want to be without him, I don't want to be with anyone else and i think this is a phase he is going through I think once he starts therapy for his anxiety things will get better and he will be able tio see more clearly.

I cant go out i have 9 month old dd and no friends or anyone really. my mum died last year havent got much family around.

god i sound really sad before pregnancy i was at uni and gojng out a lot. I'm not a weirdo really i am actually a sound person just really messed up and desparate to save this because i know we are for each other.

Hi Me23
is he your dd's father? If so you will need to work at keeping something going for her sake (even if it's not the relationship that you have in mind) but if he isn't ask yourself if you really want to tie yourself for the rest of your life to a man who says he's not sure he loves you and who meets and 'thinks about' other women. he might feel the one for you but from what he's saying you may not be the one for him and that way heartache lies...

You deserve someone who knows he loves you and your dd more than anybody else in the world and if he can't promise you that I have to say you are better off loving yourself and your dd without him.

Can I just say that it's unlikely that OCD would make him have thoughts that he wasn't sure whether were from him or from the OCD. OCD thoughts are unwanted, but suffers generally know which thoughts are theirs and which are the obsessive ones that come from the OCD. It sounds as if he is using the OCD as a catch-all excuse, particularly if he's also using it to excuse having thoughts of being with this other girl.

It really doesn't sound from your post as if this man is any way near as serious about you as you are about him. You want to be with him, see him as your partner and say you know you are meant for each other; he lives with his mum, sees you three times a week, doesn't know whether he loves you or not, and meets up with other girls.

I agree with serenity: this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, and even if it was, you can't save any relationship if one of the partners doesn't want to save it. Take a break, give yourself (and him) some breathing space.

shimmy21 he isnt dd father but ive being with him since i was about 6 months pregnant so it is like she is his daughter her biological dad doesnt see her.

I know the way it looks when i write it down and if i was reading it id feel the same as you guys.

wigwambam ive had treatment for anxiety 6 years ago when i was with someone else i had thought that i didnt really love him and i wasnt sure if it was anxiety or my real thougts once i had the cbt and manged my anxiety i relaised i really did love him and we were together for another 2-3 years.

he said he doesnt want to be with this particular girl but he likes her not that he was thinking of leaving me for her. He is thinking does he want to be seeing other people in general. I think people in relationships do have these thoughts i certaintly have, things ebb and flow.

I just think given some time he might realise things are good with us.

also im scared if he leaves because i will have no-one literally. I'm scared it will be too much and i will have to go on ad's or won;;t be able to look after dd and she will be taken away from me.

if he has feelings of anxiety/panic dread at the thoughts of not loving you, then it's more likely to be OCD - i.e. if the thoughts are unwanted or unpleasurable. you need to build up your own life/interests, and get yourself in a position where you are less isolated and dependent on this man. It's terribly hard to build up social networks once you've got children - often you just don't have the time, energy or money, but you do need to try and have something in your life other than this man.

You sound as if you might be depressed - have you spoken to your GP/HV at all about how you are feeling atm? The thoughts about not being able to look after your daughter/your daughter being taken away are quite common thoughts if you suffer PND.

You can't force him to stay purely because you don't want to be on your own. That's not fair on him, and it's not fair on you. Saying that without him you'll end up on ads or having your dd taken into care is emotional blackmail; it might force him to stay with you, but at what cost?

Honestly, this is not an equal relationship, and you may feel that you can't cope without him but you can - if you only see him three days a week then you are already spending most of your time coping without him. Emotionally it sounds as if he isn't really there for you anyway.

What do you have to lose by trying a short break away from him? You may find that the relief of not constantly being stressed out by trying to work out his feelings for you.

Oh ME23 you sound very vulnerable and confused... but please believe in yourself that you will survive whatever happens. If it's meant to be with this guy it will happen, if not you will find someone else... maybe not straight away but in good time. You are young and you will bounce back!
In the meantime don't be too clingy, play it a bit 'cool', and just keep busy, concentrate on your daughter and your life outside your relationship

Good lucj

thanks tearsbeforebedtime, he has said he wants things to be good with us. I know it could be a bit of both i.e ocd and him thinking this.
I want him to be really sure before he makes decision because they way we are together it could't be that way if he didnt love me, you cant fake that.

I do need to get a life basically I know if I had some support my life would be easier.
I feel very isolated since becoming a mum I literally don't speak to anyone only him and my dad.

I have thought i have pnd because i was feeling down before these problems appeared.

wigwambam i havent told him i think ill be on ad's dd taken away if he leaves. I kept these feelings to myself, I don't want him to feel trapped with me. The reason I want to stay with him is because I love him more than anything not because I dont want to be alone, but obviously bwecause i don't have anyone The fact that if he leaves I will have no support no-one to talk to etc has crossed my mind and will make it so much worse.

I mean luck

Thanks bluejelly, im trying to go with the flow but im so emotional and end it getting hysterical which i know is making things worse thing is i know how i look but i cant help my feelings.

I know time will tell and i just hope he gives it a bit more time to see if his doubts do subside.

I wish i did have things to fill my day so i wasnt too clingy and could play it cool becaude i know that is the best way to act, just wish I had some good friends or a job or course.

Don't just wish you had some good friends or a job or a course ... these things aren't outside your control. Get yourself on a course - you may find that you make good new friends out of it, and are less reliant on this man for company. Many adult education centres and colleges run creches, so you may not even have to worry about childcare. Find some local parent and toddler groups and use them to make new friends - if one seems unfriendly, try another one. Get in touch with your local NCT and see if there are any groups within your area that you could join, or whether they run "bumps and babies" groups locally. That can be another way of making friends with people with whom you've got something in common.

Maybe if you have other things going on in your life, and if this man isn't the be-all and end-all of your life, it would be easier for you to step back from the relationship a little bit.

yes wigwambam you are right. I know friends aren't just going to materialise out of thin air. I do need to be pro-active.

on and off have thought about going back to uni part time, I was supposed to go back when dd was 3 months but before I had her didn't realise how impossible it would be to have time to brush my teeth let alone study.

I feel like I've lost my ambitions and will, you are right if I did have other things in my life perhaps he wouldn't affect me so deeply and I could gain some perspective.

I will seriously look into going back to uni, and maybe make an appointment with doctor to see if Ihave got pnd.

I have thought about what everyone is saying, and i would like to keep talmking on here if people don't mind, it helps talking to people that are willing to give advice and opinions.

If Uni is too much at the moment (and with a 9 month old I can understand how hard it would be) why not look at some part-time courses for now, until dd is old enough for you to be able to do more than that? Even if you can't manage to get a part-time college course, something frivolous like belly-dancing or flower-arranging at the local Adult Education centre for an hour or two a week would be better than nothing, and would give you a bit of much-needed fun as well.

You say you've lost your ambition, but it sounds to me as if what you've lost is your self-confidence and self-worth. You do sound as if your self-esteem is very low at the moment, which is another good reason not to rely too heavily on one person, and to get out and do something for you. Low self-esteem and depression often go hand in hand, and it would certainly be worth having a chat with your HV or your GP about it - although it has to be said that isolation makes depression worse, so getting out a bit more and getting some more interests back would be another good reason to find something stimulating and interesting to fill your days.

feeling quite crap tonight. I just don't want to/can't accept that boyf probably doesn't want to be with me
I really want him in my life and in dds life.
How to I stop myself from falling apart?
I'm really frightened of breaking down.
I don't want to lose him.

If he doesn't want to be with you, then him staying will make you both miserable. Isn't it better that you find out now that he doesn't want to be with you, while your daughter is still young enough that she hasn't got the attachment that she would have if this had happened three years down the line?

I can fully understand how you are feeling & i really do feel sorry for you. I am your age (24) & when i was 18 i broke up with my BF of 2 years & i found it so so hard, i felt very alone & thought my life would just not go on, our relationship was so so unhealthy & i think it just became a kind of "habit" luckily there were no kids involved for us.

Please believe me when i say life can pick up, you will meet someone else who will love you & your Dd & love spending time with you both, i was single for 8 months after that relationship then i met my Dp & 5+ yrs & 2 kids later we are still going strong, i feel so blessed to have met him & realise my old relationship was not "real" love.

Do you go to mother & toddler groups? you could meet other mums there maybe? I know it is hard to meet other people i have a couple of friends and am quite shy but i do find that alot of mums can be very friendly.

Sorry to hear about your mum, its hard losing a parent i know

I hope you can be strong, if not for yourself then how about for your Dd?

Goodluck x

me23, you have a hell of a lot to deal with. By all means pursue your return to uni but for god's sake give yourself a break as well. I have a 9 month old and I know how incredibly hard life is, and frankly if my dh started giving me any trouble about "oh I don't know if I want to be with you" I would kick his sorry arse out of the door and have one less thing to worry about! (Sorry, that sounds terrible but my dh is chronically ill so contributes a shedload of stress to my life even though he doesn't want to. If he did it on purpose I would totally lose it).

I wonder if you live anywhere near muma3, another Junie mum of a similar age and I think going through some similar feelings .. let's see if we can find that out on the June chatting thread.

I strongly doubt you would fall apart if he left you, although I'm sure you would be extremely upset and hurt. Try not to worry about your dd being taken away, that is staggeringly unlikely and thinking about it will only make it worse.

You very much do sound like you need some outside support though. I met with someone from Homestart recently; unfortunately I don't think they will be much use to me but I reckon they could be very good for you, as a way of meeting new people locally and having someone who will listen to you without judgement. Why not contact them \link{http://www.homestart.org.uk/\link here}. [Hope this link works, I am having major computer issues tonight].

I do feel the relationship is secondary to your relationship with yourself, if you know what I mean. I know it's important that dd not have this person removed from her life at this stage, but I don't really get the impression your dp is really mature enough to be committed to you - and maybe it's better to find this out at this stage than later on?

thank you mum2oneandonemore- it's good to hear from someone who's been through this and come out the other side.

from what i've posted he might come accross as a horrible person but he isn't he is loving and I know he cares about me. I know my clingyness is pushing him away and making him long for a carefree girl! who only has herself to look out for not stuck at home with baby.

tribpot- thankyou, I have just found muma3 thread on here and most of the things she says echo how I feel compleatly.

I live in london so don't know if anyone near me. Would be good to make some friends.

Do homestart people have to come to you? I wouldn't feel comfortable with stranger in my messy house, would feel like I was being judged.

me23 - I can fully understand why you are clingy but i can also see why maybe he does not like this, maybe if you try & make new friends & making your own life you will not be so clingy i know its hard i have been there but dont get down you will get through this. If you ever wanna chat just let me know, I am not in london but not to far i am in Surrey

I do want to make friends and i know I sound pathetic on here, but I'm a nice intelligent person normally.

I have been to m&b things but all the mums ignored me (they were all in their 30's and I look really young think they streotyped me as a teenage 'thick' mum. not saying that anything wrong with teen mums or they are thick but this is how they percieved me i reckon.

I want to meet people around my age.
surrey not that far what part are you from? I live in central London.

it would be nice to chat sometime.

me23 - yes, Homestart come to you but I can assure you they are not looking at your house thinking "hmm blimey, you could do with a bit of dusting don't you think?" Seriously, I think it could be good for you - you seem like the sort of person they were set up to help, i.e. new mum, feeling somewhat isolated and in need of a helping hand.

I find mum and baby groups quite intimidating as well, and I am one of those 30-something mums!

There are plenty of Mumsnetters in London, we are having a grand Junie reunion in July this year but if you keep an eye on the meet-up threads there are usually ones in or near central London on the go.

I know what you mean about the M&B tings i also felt like that have not really made any real friends myself from there just people to chat to when i am there, its hard being a mum at this age because no matter what people say, i think that mums who are late 20's & older do look down on mums who are younger, i know not all people do but i think a big majority do.

I live in Woking in Surrey not sure if you know it? I have a ds who is 3.6 & a Dd who is nearly 7 weeks, how about you?

I hope your feeling ok today?

I had my dd at 25 and also looked young for my age. I hated M and B groups, it seemed as if everyone was looking down on me either because they thought I was a teenage mother or presume I was a nanny or au pair.

Now that I am a bit older (32) and get on perfectly well with the school mothers ( mostly in their 40s) I wonder if it was the way I felt about myself rather than what they were thinking?

Not sure if that helps but just a thought!