Dealing with partner's emotional infidelity

[sjw70]

Hi, I've never posted before so apologies if I'm too long winded....

I've been up for an hour trying to make sense of what's happening.

I've recently found out that my partner has been texting an employee and being over-familiar with her (she's mentioned the 'love' word). He says she's going through a really hard time and he's being supportive, but yesterday I found out from his call log that he texted her over 400 times in that last 3.5 weeks! Text messages at all times of the day through to midnight.

I've already told him that he needs to break ties with her as she is obviously becoming too emotionally involved with him, but he says he can't do it as they work together (he's her boss). She is based in an office over 4 hours away and comes to his office every fortnight, and he does down there once a month. To make things worse, I work in the same organisation as him although not in the same office.

This is breaking us apart as I keep snooping and finding more evidence. My partner says I should trust him to deal with it and can't live with my lack of trust in him. I'm not proud of myself for looking at his text messages and call log, but whilst I believe that he has not had a physical affair, I feel totally betrayed by his emotional investment in this relationship. I don't want to lose him, for my sake and the sake of our 5 year old son, but I'm struggling to think of a way forward because I'm expected to trust - this is something that can only come with time.

Have I brought this alll on myself by snooping?

No. He brought it on you by having an inappropriate relationship. Having been where you are recently I would say that what you most need from him is honesty. He needs to acknowledge it was inappropriate. He needs to tell you exactly what the relationship involved. He needs to make it clear to her it is over. All contact from now on is work related and unemotional.
It sounds so similar to dh's affair even down to ow having a hard time and hundreds of contacts with her on his phone. Sorry

Yes I agree with other poster - he needs to STOP, NOW.
He cannot seriously think this is ok? So unprofessional too. You must make it clear his behaviour is totally unacceptable and insist on counselling so he can see why/how he got to a point where he thinks this is ok to do - it is NOT and he needs to umderstand that. Please let us know how you get on x

"I've already told him that he needs to break ties with her as she is obviously becoming too emotionally involved with him, but he says he can't do it as they work together (he's her boss)."

Even more reason for him to stop as he is behaving very inappropriately, and I would imagine that his bosses would take a very dim view of this too.

I am assuming here that the contact is not work related, so there is no reason at all for him to continue this communication with her.

Sorry you've been through this too.

What upsets me most is that I think we can get through this, but I can't be expected to just trust him again immediately. This has been a recent thing, text messages starting the end of June, but I think I sensed something almost immediately. We've talked and talked and had a very good night out together on Friday and we thought we were starting to get through it, but then I had my doubts (his mobile hasn't left his side) and checked the call log and we're back to square one (or worse). What really hurt was that he'd texted her during our night out - he said it was because she had texted and he wanted to stop the flow of texts. From the texts I've seen, she seems to get very desperate when he doesn't reply immediately and sends load of texts asking if he's ok, why aren't you replying etc.

He wants to sort this out face to face with her but won't see her until 8th August - so am I expected to stew until then? In the meantime the texts are continuing albeit more infrequently and he has given her some indication of what has gone on this end but not the full story.

Thanks for your messages.

Squeakytoy - I've made the point to him and he's taken it some kind of veiled threat that I'll speak to his manager and the whole thing will blow up at work. I've no intention of doing that and have told him so.

I think some of the texts are work related, and probably a great deal of them would appear harmless, such as comments about buying a lottery ticket. But when he doesn't reply immediately, she starts getting desperate and overly emotional. I don't know what is going on with her (he doesn't want to break that confidence ironically) but he says its really bad and he has to handle the situation carefully.

He's always had female friends and I think they find him easy to talk to and sympathetic. It's probably one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. I've got a difficult situation here in that he thinks I'm dictating who he can be friends with - which I suppose I am in a way. He doesn't seem to understand the difference with this friendship, even though he admits that they have 'crossed the line'.

He's got to sever all contact. Even the harmless seeming texts suggest over familiarity. If he doesn't see that he needs to stop entirely then he too is over involved with this woman.

You need to tell him he has risked his marriage a d is putting in danger because you are losing trust in him.

I'd ask him to leave if he doesn't stop entirely. You cannot put up with this.

He won't stop this affair because he is far too addicted - he is loving the extra ego boosting attention and this will motivate him to lie and cover his tracks.

He is in a fantasy fuelled bubble.

I know this must feel like going against the grain but the only thing that will work is LOSS. This means bursting his bubble.

You need to tell him your marriage is over if he continues to make the choice to check out of his marriage. You have to mean it though - tell him to move out (it does not have to be permanent).

Reality will then hit him - he will realise what he has lost, his marriage, his family, home, self respect etc. Then he may then decide to re-commit himself to your marriage.

Here is a good link - I would get her book Not Just Friends:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

His emotional affair is still ongoing and he's prioritising it and the OW above you.

Asking you to trust him is ridiculous - you would be crazy to trust someone who is barely concealing their affair.

His defensiveness of her, his pretence of honourable behaviour while treating you like utter shit, his disingenuous insistence that this is a friendship mean you haven't even got to the first level of getting past this.

I think it's time for you to be less accommodating of his bullshit.

Either this ends or he leaves and does some hard thinking about what his family means to him.

Recently been through this too but sadly the texts progressed in my case and dp met with ow. Started off probably similar to your situation, although dp didn't work with ow, he knew them from school. Like your situation though these women were going through problems at home.

As MadAbout states, your dh is getting an ego boost from this, he's like her knight in shining armour. The bubble definitely needs bursting. He's already gone too far. Your boundaries need to be built back up shutting this ow well and truly out!

You need to know everything about her, are you saying you don't know what's going on with her because your dh won't tell you due to breaking confidentiality, I'd demand to know, you're his wife, there should be no secrets.

Hope you can sort this out.

And agree with MadAbout and Athing, time to get tough as nothing you have said seems to be registering with him. Tell him it stops NOW or he goes, he is investing too much time thinking of her and her needs and not enough about you and your child.

Definitely look at the Shirley Glass article, show it to your dh too.

Is your organisation big enough that it can provide appropriate. HR support to her? Counselling etc? And make it clear that its not your DH role outside of work?

"Like your situation though these women were going through problems at home."

Or, more accurately, they said they were going through problems.

The part of damsel in distress is the essential counterpart of the white knight play acting.

It's all bullshit on both sides.

If you had real problems at home, why would you turn to your boss or some bloke you knew at school?

You wouldn't.

If he's admitted that 'they have 'crossed the line' he certainly understands the difference with this 'friendship', honey.

I agree with Thing. This has to stop now and let him be under no illusion that, if he continues to try to pull the wool over your eyes, you will be making good on what he's perceived as your 'veiled threat' and his superiors will get to know that he's behaving inappropiately with a subordinate.

He says I should trust him to deal with it and can't live with my lack of trust in him. In engaging in this obviously intense emotional, and possibly physical - affair, he's shown he can't be trusted.

If he's not willing to deal with it by ending it now, he'll have to live without you and face the consequences of his choice.

Have I brought this all on myself by snooping?

All you've done by snooping is negated the possibility that he can catch you unawares by announcing that he needs time away to 'find himself', or some such bolleaux designed to disguise the fact that he only wants time away from you to be free to find himself with his dick in her vagina.

Give him hell, honey - he deserves it.

I agree with Mum2Fergus- if he really wanted to 'help' this woman, he would be doing it in an appropriate PROFESSIONAL manner- by referring her to sources of support.

If she really is that vulnerable and needy, it's a little bit sickening what he is doing- taking advantage of someone and feeding his own ego.

Of course, he could also lose his job over this if she ever decided to make a complaint....

The organisation is massive and there are other places for her to turn within it, such as counselling. Funny, that's where I was thinking of turning myself. I have a manager that I can confide in and have done, just because I've not been able to concentrate at work, but I know where the line is in these situations, my partner doesn't seem to. He's now accepted that he'll have to take this higher up the management chain, potentially get her moved to another manager (which is what I asked for when I first found out) but I think he's feeling resentful towards me because he truly doesn't believe that what he has done warrants my reaction and that I'm blowing things up out of proportion.

I come from a broken home myself and I know the effect my parents break up had on me. I will do anything to protect, defend, improve my relationship for all our sakes, but I cannot carry on with a lack of trust and this continued denial. I have been sitting here awake since 4.30 this morning, my partner is upstairs having a 'sleepover' with our son. We both need space but need to try and have some semblance of normality for our son, who was aware yesterday that mummy was upset. The implications of this lie far beyond a perfect relationship split as I am living far away from my family and would be inclined to move back with them, but I hope to god it won't have to come to that.

I'm just waiting for the opportunity for the next 'talk' out of earshot of my son to find out if my partner's anger about my snooping has subsided and see if we can really make a go of this.

Thanks for all the supportive messages.

The tone of your last post worries me - its a good job you snooped and you snooped because alarm bells were going off - I bet he has been distant and off with you?

do NOT apologise for snooping.

he is angry because he got caught in the act.

If he says you are being paranoid, overreacting etc - do not accept this and you know he is doing things that HE knows is wrong but won't admit it.

Re making a go of this - he has to be 100% on board, watch his actions - are these of a man full of remorse?

• know are

I think this is all too common in the age of texts and fscebook. Especially as we are all supposed to be so cool about friends of the opposite sex.
I have been in your position my husband was infactuated by a work college and I have had an emotional affair so can see it from both points of view.
you get a massive buzz out of the attention, the messages and it is a real ego builder while at the same time you can rationalise in your head that nothing physical has happened so you are still the good guy.
Emotional affairs will lead to physical affairs if you allow this to happen.
get strong like the other poster said loss is the only thing he will understand otherwise you will just seem whiny and weak.
I used to lie in bed crying at 2 in the morning as I heard his phone constantly beep with messages from her.
He wouldnt give her up so I toldhim to leave. Within two days he realised what he had done. Now we talk and he cant believe some of the things he did choosing her over me. He even spent our wedding anniversary with her on a works do ( arranged by her cos she knew what night it was)
You can getthrough this we are happy again now. But you must stay strong x

His anger at your snooping is entirely misplaced.

He was continuing to text this woman while pretending to be moving forward with you and giving you his attention.

While he is being so dishonest your only option (other than giving up on him entirely) is to check whether what he says is true.

You are the (only) one fighting for your marriage. The secrets he wants to keep are damaging it.

I've been through this too, STBXH texting best mates wife over a hundred times a day, 8am up to bedtime, right through the six week period that we were supposed to be working things out. Emailing, facebooking, supporting each other emotionally....

I only discovered after he left permanently but the betrayal is huge. They can't see that they are doing anything wrong, they are just good friends...

Your H needs to cut all contact with her, and get somebody else at work to be her point of contact at work, he needs to talk to his own manager to get himself protected in case she gets funny if he stops contact. That's all assuming that nothing more has gone on of course.

Until your H accepts that the contact is inappropriate and severs contact, you won't get very far with him.

Im sorry but i think you need to address the possibility that this has gone further than texting. I say this because of her inability to accept when he doesn't answer. The fact that he got cross with YOU for not trusting him, how dare he put the blame on you, how DARE he .

Im not a boss, but if i had an employee that was making this sort of inappropriate contact with me, im pretty darn sure that reciprocating the texts isnt the professional way to deal with things. In fact, anything other than genuine work related texts should be ignored. However, this is has gone beyond that now - because he has allowed it to for wahtever reason. If it was a big organisation, is it reasonable that things can be shifted so that this woman bunny boiler can be given a different line manager.

This woman is a danger to your marriage, if she is as barking as you are painting her (i dont doubt that she is!) then she will just up the game as time goes by - he needs to break contact, completely, and NOW. He needs to talk to HIS boss, and get this dealt with otherwise, this WILL come out, not due to you blowing the lid but her, and if things turn shitty between them she may well jeopardise your partners position/job.

Lucy - I agree with your first 2 paragraphs but the person who is putting the marriage in danger is HIM.

HE is the one who is crossing all these lines.

HE is the one who is refusing to end all contact.

HE is the one who is allowing OW to become the other party.

I have to agree with Lucy - my first thought was that he feels he has to respond to ow immediately, calm her down as she becomes more hysterical in case she cracks and tells all. Hope I'm wrong though. Horrible for you op.

Ask him how he'd feel if he was in your place? I don't think anyone would be comfortable with their partner receiving and sending a barrage of emotionally charged texts over such long period that were kept hidden from them. He's being utterly unreasonable failing to appreciate what he has done wrong or why you are upset.