Dealing with partner's emotional infidelity

[sjw70]

Hi, I've never posted before so apologies if I'm too long winded....

I've been up for an hour trying to make sense of what's happening.

I've recently found out that my partner has been texting an employee and being over-familiar with her (she's mentioned the 'love' word). He says she's going through a really hard time and he's being supportive, but yesterday I found out from his call log that he texted her over 400 times in that last 3.5 weeks! Text messages at all times of the day through to midnight.

I've already told him that he needs to break ties with her as she is obviously becoming too emotionally involved with him, but he says he can't do it as they work together (he's her boss). She is based in an office over 4 hours away and comes to his office every fortnight, and he does down there once a month. To make things worse, I work in the same organisation as him although not in the same office.

This is breaking us apart as I keep snooping and finding more evidence. My partner says I should trust him to deal with it and can't live with my lack of trust in him. I'm not proud of myself for looking at his text messages and call log, but whilst I believe that he has not had a physical affair, I feel totally betrayed by his emotional investment in this relationship. I don't want to lose him, for my sake and the sake of our 5 year old son, but I'm struggling to think of a way forward because I'm expected to trust - this is something that can only come with time.

Have I brought this alll on myself by snooping?

I think it's time you got angry - and certainly ditch the "was I wrong to snoop" nonsense.
Ask him what the f* he thinks he's playing at, it's totally unacceptable, you will not tolerate it and he can make his choice.

How are you today OP?

I think you need to find out whether its got physical.

Hang fire - she's mentioned the dreaded L word, but he hasn't? Have you ever come across anything that suggests he's actually biffing this other woman?

I would suggest you actually have yourself a nice guy, who just doesn't like disappointing people. Also if you get angry at him for investing in other people emotionally, where does that stop?

At the moment the colleague, next maybe a friend, then a best friend, then what? Will you be demanding he take a break from emotionally investing in his kids because it feels like emotional betrayal?

Might sound like I've taken it to the extreme here but that seems to be where you're heading.

I understand what you are saying MSAMummy.

We talked again yesterday, so much so I'm all talked out. The OW is on holiday this week, so he has promised to sort it out next week when she gets back. Basically keeping all communications on a work basis. There is a strong possibility that she'll be moving onto another work area in the not too distant future, so all communication should be severed, but we'll wait and see! As I work in the same organisation I will be aware of any changes. He is not hiding his mobile away anymore and has no intention of changing passwords etc.

In the meantime, we need to work at our relationship - we've definitely become stuck in a non-communicative rut. Although his actions have been wrong, at least it's only been going on for the last few weeks. I've realised that this situation hasn't been caused solely by his actions - but it's been the catalyst. We're off on a family holiday in 3 weeks so we've agreed to see how it goes. I've realised I've got my own insecurity issues alongside some situations that have happened in the last few years that I don't think I've addressed (I suffered 2 miscarriages). I've made an appointment today with Relate with the intention of going on my own initially then hopefully getting my partner to come along too. Whatever happens between the 2 of us, some form of counselling can only help. You never know, it may improve things between us - I honestly believe that that is what my partner wants as well.

"I would suggest you actually have yourself a nice guy, who just doesn't like disappointing people."

Not liking disappointing people doesn't make you a nice person.

It makes you a dishonest creep with no sense of loyalty or priorities.

People who "don't like disappointing people" are quite happy to repeatedly disappoint those they feel are not in a position to do anything about their disappointment. So they take their nearest and dearest for granted while they run about trying to make every other fucker like them.

As for there being a direct connection between asking your husband to stop an affair and asking him not to care for his children?

:o

That wins this week's Most Stupid Illogical Argument prize.

sjw - it's not clear from your posts but has he let you see all his text messages? If he has sent over 400 of them and he hasn't done anything wrong, he shouldn't have an issue with you reading them. I am guessing he has deleted them or at least he has deleted the incriminating ones, but have you read them all?

I don't believe for a second that this is a one way affair and he is just an unwitting victim. There is no "work related" reason to email or text any colleague 400 times in a month. Sorry, that is just bollocks. She hasn't professed love to him in a vacuum - he has been texting the same sorts of things back to her. Think of it this way. If she has a crush on him and he isn't interested, why would he text her 400 times in a month? The typical male response to someone who makes unwanted advances is to run a bloody mile.

The other tell tale sign is his textbook reaction to you (i.e. demanding that you trust him, playing the knight in shining armour, blaming you). If he was innocent then instead of attacking you, wouldn't he share his exasperation with you about how this loon keeps pursuing him? But no, he insists that he has to stay in contact with her and you've put him in a difficult position.

Us men are very simple creatures. Do you really think we can be bothered to text a woman that many times without the prospect of sex at the end of it? Do you really think we would invest that much effort just because a colleague is having a tough time in their private of work life?

Sorry MAS but I also have to take issue with your 'nice guy not wishing to disappoint' argument.!
My DH is a lovely, kind ,friendly and very sociable guy who would go out of his way to help people.After almost 30 years I wouldn't have wanted him any other way.I wasn't jealous or possessive about him forming friendships and investing in other people.But guess what - he was so nice that after months and months of almost daily contact through work with OW he found himself unable to stop texting her back jokey,the flirty ,then sexually explicit 'banter' just because she initiated it,continued it and he 'didn't want to hurt her feelings.( about 400 a month average also)
She also professed love, he did not.But his inability to stop responding and encouraging wasn't him being a 'nice' guy.It was him being weak, self indulgent and massively disloyal to me,our marriage and his family and thankfully that's the way he has seen its since the awful day I was alerted to his secretive behaviour.
I'm guessing OWs DH who found the text messages on her phone doesn't view my DH as a 'nice' person who didn't want to disappoint either.

It's true that good people do bad and stupid things SJW.Its what they do to repair the damage that shows their true colours.My DH has done all he can to make sure there's no blurring of boundaries ever again,including going to counselling ( his idea)
It's taken a long time to trust again,but he never once demanded it.He knew he had to win back my trust ,love and respect by looking hard at himself and examining how dangerous it can be to 'invest' too much time and emotion in the wrong direction.Ihope your DH does this for you x

Yet another cheating man who gets rewarded for bad behaviour with the ever-loyal wife blaming herself

He comes up smelling of roses while she bends over backwards to change herself

The bonus of a family holiday in the bosom of his wife who finds herself in the unenviable position of competing with an OW

Nothing changes for him, of course. Your whole world has turned on it's axis, however.

In your shoes, he would leave the family home and the holiday would not be happening for him. Let him go to her, and feel the icy wind of consequences for his actions.

"Yet another cheating man who gets rewarded for bad behaviour with the ever-loyal wife blaming herself"

Amazing isn't it? I am still having to give myself metaphorical kicks up the arse to remind myself that I was not responsible for DH's decision to have an affair.

OP no matter what you did, no matter how dead in the water your marriage might have been, it was not OK for him to have an overly-close emotional relationship with another person. He had to see that and understand why you are upset. If you are not normally a possessive person, it should occur to any intelligent man that you feeling ill at ease with this situation indicates he has crossed a line.

Hello, Orm, I have been away and haven't seen any updates from you for a couple of weeks. I hope you are ok x

Hi AF, my thread got to 1000 posts and died a natural and peaceful death. I am OK. I asked DH some major questions - I got a list together and had it checked and approved by MN . He answered them all. I got a few more minor facts that hurt, the rest was confirmation that what he had already said. I stopped hating OH, and actually felt ashamed that I had aimed so much anger and dislike at such a poor and fragile creature. DH and I are doing pretty well. I have wobbles but I am feeling happier than I have for years. Weirdly. xx

All the best, Orm. Thanks for my condensed update