I'm scared I'm driving him away and I can't stop myself. I hate being like this. Can anyone help?

[totallyheadfunkedtwo]

Some of you may have seen my previous threads about finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, DP (who I don't live with) being happy about it and us planning for the future then me miscarrying and being devastated.

DP doesn't want to try again and wants things to carry on as they were before. I feel like it's made me realise what I want and need (commitment, baby etc) and I'm resentful of him for not giving it to me.

I'm terrified this will be the end of us. We were out shopping with his 4 year old DD today. Completely out of the blue she piped up with, "mummy might have a neither baby one day". (DP's ex has a relatively new partner but it's all looking pretty serious.)

For some reason this comment from his DD completely floored me. And my brain went into hypothetical land where his ex is pregnant and moving in with her DP and having all the things in her life that I want in mine.

Then to make it worse, I was buying something in a shop and the cashier gave my bag to DP's DD and said "are you going to carry that for mummy?"

I had a bit of a meltdown in the middle of Westfield and had to leave DP and his DD in a shop to go off and calm down for a bit. I'm so ashamed of myself. I let a perfectly innocent comment by a 4 year old completely ruin my day. And in turn I completely ruined DP's day. I left them at the tube station as I was going to see a friend and when I said goodbye to him he looked completely worn down by me. He'd been being so, so lovely to me to try and cheer me up and I just wasn't responding because I was basically having a massive sulk and tantrum that I can't have what I want and I'm jealous of other people who might one day have what I want.

I'm pathetic. And I know I'm going to drive him away with this petulant crap. I just want us to be happy and I really, really don't want him to be walking on egg shells around me in case I flip out at the tiniest thing again.

I've just rang him to apologise and he was very gracious but I can tell he's a bit wary.

I don't know how to get a grip. I really want to. I couldn't bear to lose him as well as my baby. But how can I pull myself out of this horrible, self-harmy mindset I've got myself into. I dont want to drag him down.

I'm so ashamed and pissed of with myself. I'm at home now and I can't stop crying because Im panicking that he's going to break it off with me because I'm such a downer.

Should I worry about my mental health? I feel like I can't get a handle on this and really need to.

Hi, you sound so sad and I wish I could give you a big hug.

I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, and it's devastating. Even now I can't say I'm fully over it. I'm assuming your miscarriage was quite recent? In which case I'm not at all surprised that you're finding everything so hard. You've had a glimpse of what you want, and it's all been taken away. That's very, very hard to cope with. And I can totally understand why the things that happened today would have floored you.

It's so hard when you can't help how you feel, and yet you fear that the way you feel is going to push DP away, and therefore make things even worse.

What does your DP say about things? Is is just now that he doesn't want to try again? Has he indicated that he'd be happy to try again in the future? What are his reasons for not wanting to try again?

I wish I could give better advice, but I just wanted to reply as your pain is so evident. Please don't feel ashamed of yourself - you've suffered a loss, and it's a very real feeling of grief.

I feel like today was a real watershed moment for me. I can't be like that ever again, it's just not fair on him or his DD to have to deal with me weeping publicly in shopping malls because I can't sort my head out.

I want to keep apologising to him and to do something to prove I'm not a crazy person. But I know that the more I do that, the more likely he is to think I am losing the plot.

But I feel so panicky and helpless just doing nothing. I wish none of this had ever happened. If I'd just never done the pregnancy test, in three days' time I would've just thought I was having a really heavy period. Or at least, if I'd guessed what was going on, I wouldn't have had that time to get excited and tell DP or anything.

It's all so pointlessly painful and now because of it I might destroy my relationship. Even more pointless pain.

Why did this have to happen to me?

Look into getting some counselling, and if there isn't anything much available, ring the Samaritans. You need someone to dump your perfectly understandable pain on.

Perhaps simply you have realised that you would like your own child at some point and your dp has had to admit that he doesn't.

That is a tough decision you need to make, end this relationship or continue and accept you may never even try for a baby.

Not surprised you're feeling very vulnerable.

Hi totally I was on your previous thread, I'm so sorry again for your loss. I don't really have any advice but didn't Want to read and run. In my experience a occasional meltdown is understandable and inevitable I'm afraid. Have you thought about going to talk to your gp if your worried they might recommend a counsellor to talk things through ? Or is there a real life friend you can confide in? Have you talked seriously with your partner is he willing to consider changing things at all? I think you need to give yourself some time though remember your hormones are still out of synch, and your partner will be grieving too, dont rush any decisions. you also need to be gentler on yourself - After my miscarriage it took me several months to begin to feel like myself again iyswim. X

X posted with you AndLibby. Thanks for replying. I only miscarried a couple of weeks ago so it's still very raw obviously.

DP hasn't said never, he's just said not now. Because, given the choice, he doesn't feel ready yet to do that with me. Although he wouldve stepped up to the plate if the pregnancy had been successful. He's a brilliant father to his DD. And he's a good person. A really decent, great guy.

The night I miscarried he was stuck the other side of London with no transport, looking after his DD. so I had to go to A and E with a friend and deal with all the horrendous 'removal of products of conception' without him. So I feel like he didn't see any of the trauma or engage with the actual process of it. All he had was a phone all saying I was going to A and E to get checked out, and then a call two hours later saying it was all over.

He couldn't get to see me until very late afternoon the following day. So my friend did all the looking after me at my very, very worst (she's simply amazing, I could fill a whole thread with stories of how fantastic she is).

Anyway, i suppose it was like he had a great relationship with me and a baby on the way on the Friday and by the Sunday all that had been taken away and replaced with a devastated woman who can't even get through a shopping trip without breaking down. And he missed the journey of me getting there.

That must be so shit for him. And even harder for him to empathise.

I'm just blathering on now, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Thanks for listening.

Have you been able to talk to him in details about what happened and how you feel about that?

If you could wave a magic wand, how would you like him to be treating you at the moment?

Sympathising, holding and reassuring you?

Have you spoken to him about what happened? And about how your feeling? X

Thanks to you other posters too.

Whenever we've talked about kids before in the abstract (as in, not directly related to our relationship) he's always said he wants more. Like I said upthread, he hasn't said never. But he's said a pretty definite 'not now'.

But now I find myself wanting to keep asking him, 'but if not now then when? Give me a timeline. When do you think you'll want to?' which I know is unfair on him.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to just let things go for a bit and not be bringing it up every other day like 'are you ready yet? What about now?'. Then three weeks later, 'okay, so what about now?'.

I will ruin this relationship if I'm not careful.

I really think a good counsellor would help you.

I think part of it is biological - this desire to get pregnant due to a failed pregnancy. I also think that you need to let yourself grieve for what you thought you were going to have.

For a few days you dreamed the dream of partner, child, being together etc etc, give yourself time and talk talk talk about how you feel about what happened, what you feel you have lost. It's a subtle difference but he needs to know where you still are.

Sorry am slow at typing and keep cross posting.

I have gone into some detail of what happened. He's a scientist and very stoic and rational. So his response is always to give a biological explanation of what happened and be very practical.

I'm not saying I want him to be wailing on the floor inconsolably (that's my thing). To be fair, he has been very kind with me. I guess I'd like him to be a bit more articulate about the emotional stuff though. He's very good with kind, caring actions. Very physically affectionate and attentive. But he's never had a great emotional vocabulary. He's quite taciturn.

I guess I'd just like him to tell me how he feels about what I'm going through. Or even just how he feels. But whenever I talk about what's going on with me, he goes silent. He listens very attentively, but then he never offers anything in return. So I'm left feeling like ive just spliced my guts and he's just sitting there nodding.

Like on the phone tonight when I was apologising, he said it was okay and he's not angry or anything. Then I said I was just feeling like a big open wound at the moment and he just said 'yeah I know'. And then there was a long silence and then he said 'I don't know what to say'.

And I guess I wanted him to just say something like 'Im so sorry you're having such a terrible time. I understand why you feel the way you do.' Or just some more acknowledgement that I feel so shit.

At the moment he's very sweet if I have a wobble. But the rest of the time he sort of treats me like it never happened. Sometimes I need that, sometimes I need lots of attention and sympathy. I don't know how he'd be expected to know when I need which thing though.

I dunno.

I do have a very good counsellor actually. I haven't been to see her in a while. I'm scared to make an appointment and I can't put my finger on why. I think I'm a bit fearful of opening this can of worms. If I do, I'm not sure what's going to come out. But I'm worried I won't like it.

I think you need to give yourself time to grieve for the baby you lost, for the family and dreams you imagined. Your hormones will also be playing a part in pushing if you like the biological need to conceive. You really must talk to your partner and keep talking about how you are feeling, he needs to know so he can try to understand and support you. If a few months down the line you still feel similarly then you will need to have a frank discussion about where you go from there, but now isn't the time for rash decisions when everything is still so raw and painful. For what it's worth I don't think a rough timeline is completely unreasonable to ttc so long as you are both talking and on the same page.

I think what I'm scared of is that our timelines are way out of whack. I'm thinking in terms of months and I'm pretty sure he's thinking in terms of a year or more.

The thing is, I feel like it makes so much sense. I practically live at his place anyway, it would be great for his DD to have a sibling that's closer in age to her. The longer he waits, the bigger the age gap will be, which is a shame I think.

I KNOW I am jumping the gun and being crazy thinking these things. But at the same time I really feel like, 'why not speed things up a bit, when we're well on our way there anyway?'. And then I get to thinking that maybe he's reluctant because we're not on our way there at all and I'm reading it all wrong. Maybe he just likes it the way it is because he gets me around all the time for convenient shagging and cosy family times with his DD. But he doesn't have to give me any commitment or security in return.

So the whole time I've been thinking we're moving forwards and in fact he's just been setting everything up to get him everything he needs without me getting what I need.

Or maybe that's really, hugely unfair of me. I genuinely can't tell right now.

But I think why I'm scared to see my counsellor is that I'm probably going to come to the realisation that this relationship probably isnt going to give me what I need by the time I know I'll need it by. And that's probably the biggest source of all my upset and anxiety. I am so not ready to confront any of that yet.

But then I worry I'm building a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it will all turn out fine if I can just calm the fuck down and stop fast forwarding to the worst outcome.

I'm exhausted. I hate my brain. I can't believe this has happened to me. Two weeks ago everything was fine.

I feel desperate. This grief is almost as bad as when my mum died. Seriously, it's so painful. I never could've imagined.

And the other day i was having a massive downer on him. Saying how I knew the baby was too good to be true and that nothing good ever happens to me (alcoholic mum all my life who then died really horribly, followed by emotionally abusive relationship that it took me years to get out of).

Ive always been very independent, successful in my job, two degrees, etc. But in two weeks I've become shadow of my former self. Talking about how shitty my life is and how nothing ever good happens to me. Throwing a real pity party for myself.

I'm worried DP is getting really turned off by all of this. I think I would be if I was him. Self pity is so unattractive.

He keeps saying 'this isnt like you, stop being so hard on yourself, just calm down'. But I don't know how to get the old me back.

This is two weeks new

You must give yourself time.

You must deal with grieving for this baby before you think of another one. I'm not saying wait years but you have had another bereavement,I can't imagine how painful all this is, but please, be kind to yourself, let yourself deal with this first. Two weeks is not enough. The physical hormones haven't even sorted themselves put yet, there is no way emotionally you can cope. Shout cream do what you need to.

Bless you THFT. It has only been two weeks, your feelings are still so raw. If he did break off with you now then he is not meant to be the father of your children. That being said, he probably just does not know what to say or do. He might even be saying no to a baby now because he is still so upset by what happened. You need to explain what happened today and share your feelings with him, wearing your heart on your sleeve will make you vulnerable but it is the only way to not push him away really as he will then know where you are coming from. Then you need to give yourself time, be kind to yourself.

I think on top of the loss, you are genuinely terrified of losing what you had. The worst thing is that we see the future and we have a glimpse into what we all want (whether we knew it or not) and then to have it so cruelly removed.

My DH gets the same - he internally processes things and I've said that he needs to TALK more. I know it's not that he doesn't love me as much as anyone could ever, but I know he deals with everything differently. He also can't exactly crash on the floor next to me because that won't help me.

I think you need to sit down with your DP and tell him what you need from him. If he loves you, he will truly understand. You need to explain what happened that night and how you feel about. I don't think he completely knows what you are going through and being paranoid about being needy will only make him not understand more.

Even if you write him a letter and explain what you're feeling. An email or a letter and just write honestly what you've gone through and what you saw in the future.

He sounds decent enough so I'm sure it's a case of just...him not knowing how bad it all was. And how awful it was for you. They SUCK at knowing what we feel or what we need. They really do. Unless we spell it out for them, they won't get it.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. Therapy always helps me say things that I didn't really know I felt.

You have both just recently lost a baby, that is very hard! Perhaps you both need some time to comes to terms with that before you start talking too much about the what the future holds (even though I know that is comforting)

You really can't know that his dd would love a sibling! She is 4, her world is very complicated in terms of having 2 homes, mummy & daddy now both have new people in their lives & she may feel pushed out by a new baby (regardless of how she talks now about mummy having a baby -the reality is different). Perhaps he is just wanting to make sure she is settled & doesn't want to make such huge commitments just yet. I think it was great that she stepped up, but as you said, he hasn't said never, just not yet! You can't make him be ready.

why not speed things up a bit, when we're well on our way there anyway? When you speed things up before one side is ready, you are opening yourselves up all sorts of issues. That's why!

You can't get a handle on it because you are grieving. Be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you have to listen to his silence. He does understand that you are very upset by what happened. He does know what would make you feel better. But he is not saying what you want to hear, because it is not what he wants. And for it to work, you both have to want it. However much he'd like to be able to help you feel better, he knows that it would be a mistake.

Whether this will change in time, only you are in a position to judge. But you're in no condition to make any rational decisions at the moment. Medically, scientifically, your hormones are doing a lot of the thinking at the moment. You will feel better. Give yourself time. Perhaps more time on your own? Does being with him and his daughter make you feel better or worse?

I think in your previous thread you said that you wanted the two of you to live together, but he didn't seem to be moving as quickly towards that as you'd like? Have you talked about that again at all? Less emotional an issue, and less of a commitment, than having a baby together. Also something I think you'd have every reason to expect some clarity about. It could be some sort of compromise.

My heart goes out to you because this is simply too much for you to cope with at the moment. I think there's a sense in which the can of worms has already been opened. But someone who knows what they're doing can help you to see whether it's really as bad as you fear.

There is a lot I don't know about your situation (like how old you are and therefore how realistic your sense of urgency is), but I wanted to say that I just couldn't handle any relationship where we hadn't agreed a basic timeline for having a baby. I'd feel really out of control.

As others say, you perhaps need to give your hormones and feelings a chance to settle and then work out what YOU need.
I think you should work from the standpoint that you are being just as rational as your partner. It made me sad to see you blaming yourself for your feelings, because to me they are fair enough.

Hi how are you doing this morning? I hope you managed to get some sleep. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you and am sending support.

You're not pushing him away, you have every right to grieve, weep, rant, and crucially to want him to be properly supportive and loving, which it sounds like he isn't. Being a scientist is no excuse for his behaviour

I had a miscarriage last year sd stil get very upset talking about it, even though im pregnant again now and certain everything will be fine.
My husband adores me but still doesnt understand why i cant mention it.
People dont realise how devastating it is. It will take a while to feel more balanced, but you will. Just give yourself time and seek support from those you can trust.