I'm scared I'm driving him away and I can't stop myself. I hate being like this. Can anyone help?

[totallyheadfunkedtwo]

Some of you may have seen my previous threads about finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, DP (who I don't live with) being happy about it and us planning for the future then me miscarrying and being devastated.

DP doesn't want to try again and wants things to carry on as they were before. I feel like it's made me realise what I want and need (commitment, baby etc) and I'm resentful of him for not giving it to me.

I'm terrified this will be the end of us. We were out shopping with his 4 year old DD today. Completely out of the blue she piped up with, "mummy might have a neither baby one day". (DP's ex has a relatively new partner but it's all looking pretty serious.)

For some reason this comment from his DD completely floored me. And my brain went into hypothetical land where his ex is pregnant and moving in with her DP and having all the things in her life that I want in mine.

Then to make it worse, I was buying something in a shop and the cashier gave my bag to DP's DD and said "are you going to carry that for mummy?"

I had a bit of a meltdown in the middle of Westfield and had to leave DP and his DD in a shop to go off and calm down for a bit. I'm so ashamed of myself. I let a perfectly innocent comment by a 4 year old completely ruin my day. And in turn I completely ruined DP's day. I left them at the tube station as I was going to see a friend and when I said goodbye to him he looked completely worn down by me. He'd been being so, so lovely to me to try and cheer me up and I just wasn't responding because I was basically having a massive sulk and tantrum that I can't have what I want and I'm jealous of other people who might one day have what I want.

I'm pathetic. And I know I'm going to drive him away with this petulant crap. I just want us to be happy and I really, really don't want him to be walking on egg shells around me in case I flip out at the tiniest thing again.

I've just rang him to apologise and he was very gracious but I can tell he's a bit wary.

I don't know how to get a grip. I really want to. I couldn't bear to lose him as well as my baby. But how can I pull myself out of this horrible, self-harmy mindset I've got myself into. I dont want to drag him down.

I'm so ashamed and pissed of with myself. I'm at home now and I can't stop crying because Im panicking that he's going to break it off with me because I'm such a downer.

Should I worry about my mental health? I feel like I can't get a handle on this and really need to.

It's not that he isn't being supportive, I just genuinely think he doesn't know what to say.

The problem is, the only thing that'll make me feel better is if he says 'okay, let's try again right now', which he isn't able to say.

And I'm struggling to accept that.

I guess I hoped that me being pregnant and us having a glimpse of what the future might be would have made him think 'yeah, actually that would be really nice'. But while it has for me, it hasn't for him. And I am so scared that is A Bad Sign. True, he's still dealing with the break up of his family a couple of years ago and his DD being settled is his first priority.

But I just can't deal with what that means right now. Please be gentle with me. The three of us are all going on holiday together this week. I've been really looking forward to it, but now I feel like 'what's the point of doing anything familyish like that if we're not going to move in together?'. It all feels rubbish and fake. Like for me, it has to be all or nothing.

I still feel like shit. I had hoped sleep would make me feel better, but I woke up with that awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nothing I do makes me feel any better.

I'm supposed to be writing a big proposal today for a big meeting at work tomorrow. I'm still sat here in my dressing gown, crying.

What is wrong with me? I shouldn't be feeling this bad.

I don't think he's done anything especially wrong, like some are saying.

I do understand ops upset. But she is right. She can't keep punishing the dd, or him in the way she is for what's happened it will destroy the relationship.

I do understand fwiw. I've had 2 mmc, one quite a bit later on than this too. It does get easier. It is an awful thing to go through. I was terribly upset for ages, especially with the later one, and a longer period of hormone in balance.

But one day, as awful as it sounds I realised I had to get it together for the sake of my other kids. I didn't want them to see me wailing with grief everyday, hiding in doors or any of that. Not understanding what was going on. You are starting to see that this could be affecting your sd, like I saw with my children. He's trying to protect the child he's got.

I know from your last posts and threads, an air of resentment comes through. Understandable, he has a dd, he's putting her first as he should. He had custody of her so couldn't drop everything. I know some will disagree and that he should have been straight there. Not always possible with kids in tow I'm afraid. My dh nearly missed the birth of my last 2, because he was desperately ferrying the kids found to find someone to look after them

He was going to step upto the plate. But of he was never ready originally, and doesn't see himself wanting to plan another child right now. Well that's his choice. If that's the only thing he can do to make you feel better, then it's not going to happen.

So you have a choice, carry on as you were, in a good relationship, continuing to forge a relationship with your sd, taking it at a good pace. Or try and force the gas pedal down, and ending the relationship.

Thanks HouseofPlain, that's a good summary of the situation. I know I need to pull it together.

He wasn't ready then and he's not ready now. I wasn't ready then, and I feel like I'm ready now, but my feelings are being clouded by grief and hormones.

He's the only one capable of being rational right now.

Thank everyone for your support. If I'm not on this thread much today it's because I really need to get this thing written for work. I had mean to start work on it hours ago. But I've only just managed to eat something and get dressed.

Better get my head down.

There is nothing wrong with you, and you have every right to be feeling this bad.

I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage. It's an awful thing to go through, and there's a lot of grief and upset you need to process now. Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself. There is no "should" with grief. You handle it the way you can.

As for your feelings about your partner, those all sound perfectly understandable too. You are very insightful in what you are writing here. There is no urgency to make any decisions now. Ride through your grief, and see how your feelings about the future with him settle.