Don't know who to talk to about my argument with DH

[redandyellowbits]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and have fallen out with DH. I don't have anyone to talk to about it, my best friend is at work all day and then busy with her kids etc. Just want to get it out of my system really and get some opinions on this.

DH went out on Weds night, with his best friend who lives locally. They went to a works dinner thing. I was expecting him to come home around midnight usually, but as he was not driving (ie would be drinking), then he would usually be back around 3am. Which I don't like, but he doesn't do it very often (less than he used to), and still gets up to help with DCs in the morning before going to work, so I can live with that.

I text him at 1am to find out when he's coming home. No reply. He still wasn't back at 7am, when DCs (aged 3 and 4) woke up. I text him and said 'Good to know where your priorities are. DCs are asking where you are, I'll tell them you are out getting pissed with your mates at 7am shall I? Still no reply so I assumed his battery had died.

He text me at 8am saying he had no reception, just saw my messages now, something had happened, he was ok, and he would come home and explain and then go straight to work. He came home around an hour later, 9.30am, acting as if nothing was wrong, and I had to ask him what had happened (he can be a real twat with sharing information generally, even if its not important, he just wont think to tell me).

I was expecting someone along the lines of his friend being injured/taken ill and they had been in hospital with no reception, or something just as serious to explain his fuck-wittery.

The explanation I got was: they were at this fancy works dinner, lots of mutual friends on their table. One friend got a call that a (female) friend had been beaten up by someone she had lent money to). It turns out that DH's best friend knows (and dated) this girl very briefly, and the guy who beat her up is a nasty piece of work who has done this to other girls before

So I asked what happened - did DH and his mates go and check she was ok? Umm...no, they chatted about it. So, again, I asked what happened. Did they call the police? No, they chatted about it. And basically were up all night, at a friends house, just chatting about this girl being beaten up, and the drama of this man who had done it. That was all. He didn't sleep all night, just them sitting around chatting like students with nothing better to do at 4am.

When he was recalling the story to me he was so engrossed in the little dramas of it all - the fact this guy was married and was cheating on his wife, and the fact that the girl had lent him money (£10k+) which she would never see again etc. He was enjoying the drama of it basically, and had stayed up all night acting like a kid.

I went mad at this, I really don't care about this girl or these teenage dramas. He is 38 years old, I am 37, and I am 36 weeks pregnant, and was at home with our young children. Not once during his 5/6 hour chat with his mates, did it occur to him to call me and let me know he's ok, or text me and and check that I was ok. His excuse for not calling me was because he had no reception and didn't know I had text him, and didn't want to wake me by texting me. I was so pissed off by this point I could have cried.

I feel so damn insulted that he can have an all night chat with his mates about a random girl he doesn't even know, but couldn't spare a thought for me that evening. Not 30 seconds to check his phone reception or drop me a quick text. I could have even had the baby, and been back home by the time he had bothered to think about texting or contacting me.

I haven't spoken to him since he came home and told me the story, I can't bear to look at him at the moment. It sounds so petty written down, but I am just so disappointed in him. He hasn't said sorry, but has been home and acting a bit sheepish, which is about as much of an apology as I ever get from him. He's gone to work now. I feel like I am married to an irresponsible twat.

This is ridiculously long, and I don't know what I am after. I am just pissed off and needed to say something to someone :(

It doesnt sound petty at all! I would be VERY angry as well.

He sounds really immature to me.

Who stays up all night and goes to work straight after, unless it's an emergency?

Who stays out all night without making sure their wife knows why?

Do you believe it? Based on the fact they didn't seem to know any more than she'd been beaten up and money was owed, what was there to talk about for several hours?

I would be steaming too!! but if this is a rare occurance then in the light of you being pregnant , having made my feelings crystal clear that it is unacceptable i would move on. of course this im sure will be followed by a barage of people saying he is having an affair

I just don't know what to do with it now.

My best friend suggested seeing if he'll apologise today (he won't), and then just be a little 'off' with him for a few days, so he realises how pissed off I am. Which is shit advice quite frankly, it doesn't get me anywhere.

I would like to just pack up the kids and go to my mums for the weekend while he is at work, no explanation and no replies to his texts to see how he likes it, but I am not going to play games or get the kids involved, and don't want to be going away when baby is imminent.

I had booked a babysitter so we could go out and watch the olympic opening ceremony tonight, so part of me just wants to make up, and then go out tonight and get things back to normal before I go into labour. But the other part of me wants to ignore him all day, then go out to watch it with my friend instead, just to piss him off further, as it feels he's gotten off lightly otherwise.

I hate game playing but hate being taken for a mug too :(

Game playing will get you nowhere, sulking for a bit will get you nowhere and going off to your mums? is is worth the disruption? Go to the ceremony and enjoy it. Then make some time to talk about it, like grown ups, and make it clear that you will not accept that sort of thing anymore - not the staying out late, as you dont seem to mind this, (i would, but thats me) but the not having the courtesy to text and say, please dont wait up this is going to be a late one and the lack of transparency about where he has been, you need to point out that it would be likely to lead to a lack of trust.

It's so pathetic that I'd struggle to believe it tbh.

I couldn't live with someone like him - but I hope for your sake you can get him to grow the fuck up and act like a decent husband & father.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go out or even that he shouldn't stay over at a mates (though I think it's a bit odd unless it's an arranged big night out) BUT to just not fucking turn up at a reasonable hour after a dinner out when you have a wife & a heavily pregnant one at that is just not on.

I wouldn't have brought the kids into it though, it's not about them - it's about his responsibility to you. As far as the kids are concerned you were there to look after them and that's more than enough, it's easy to tell them that Daddy stayed at his friends house for a sleepover. I feel, that when you make it about the kids (what shall I tell them etc) that it diminishes the fact that he has let YOU down and YOU count. (Not explaining it well, I've had about 2 hrs sleep a night for the last week! but I hope you can see what I mean).

He's not having an affair and I do believe his story,, as, bizarrely, a friend of mine also knows this bloke and was telling me how awful he is (she doesn't know anything of my argument.

There was really nothing else to talk about all night, I really think they were just churning over the story and enjoying the drama, he certainly seemed to still be relishing the details when he spoke to me.

It's his immaturity that has pissed me off, and I also don't know how much my pregnancy is affecting my reaction.

I made it extremely clear how angry I was, and I still am. He'll go back to being a good husband now and it'll all just get forgotten eventually.

I'm just so disappointed he behaved that way. I want to say if he ever does it again I will leave him, but don't want to escalate the argument down that road. I just can't stop feeling pissed off at him at the moment :(

He is usually a good husband and has not done this before. He always comes home even if it's late, so this is out of the norm for him.

Just to be clear I didn't tell the kids he was out getting pissed (obviously!) but just said daddy had to go to work very early today. But I do see what you're saying, I should be important enough, not the kids. I did lay into him about me going into labour etc too.

I think it was a rare moment of fuckwittery but it has really thrown me and upset me.

Oh trust me, I'm not pregnant and I think he's acting like a completely immature git. I just could not be done with it.

What would I think you should do... hmm... kick him to the curb?? If you didn't have kids & weren't heavily pregnant I'd be suggesting it, I just cannot stand idiots

It seems you have made it crystal clear how pissed off you are and why, so now I think you should just do what you want to do. Feel how you feel, don't be falsely angry or falsely over it - if you know what I mean. Just be.

The thing is, it would be silly to say that if he does it again you will leave him, because the fact is that you wont. He'll leave it long enough to do this kind of thing again that you will have softened and it wont push you over the edge enough to actually want to break up your family over it. If you say it, it happens and you don't leave - it makes the threat/promise/statement meaningless. It's one you need to keep for when you are 100% sure you would go through with it.

Just make sure you have told him it's the immaturity of his behaviour that has really pissed you off - not the staying out - if that makes sense.

He didn't see it as staying over because they didn't sleep, more saw it as a very late end to the night ifyswim. He is a twat.

Oh - I didn't think for a minute you'd actually said that to the kids just that it needs to be about YOU and your relationship. Not even the pregnancy - because it's completely unacceptable whether you are pregnant or not. YOU need to value yourself more too x

Clearly there is more to it/it's more of a pattern or something - because the vast majority of people would be frantic by 8am if their partner had gone out for dinner and they hadn't heard from after that...

He needs to understand that you don't go out for dinner and just not turn up until 8am when you are in a relationship unless you both agree that's acceptable, it's not normal and for most people it's not acceptable.

... and in case it's not clear, I'm not accusing you of lying when I say there must be more to it, I just mean that you weren't acting like most people would, so on some level you conditioned to expect fuckwittery from him.

I was panicking by the morning, but he has come home v late from nights out with his friend before (there are lots of late night places here that serve food and drink till 6am) so I guess I just assumed he was at one of those. He hasn't done that in a whole though, tends to drive mostly so I guess as it was a possible explanation I wasn't too frantic.

Oh shit :( I hope I am not conditioned to expect it from him :( but I I think I might be :(

I think it is unacceptable in any situation, but especially so that you are virtually at term and he either didn't notice that he had no phone reception or didn't care. He should have ensured that you could contact him- no phone reception means go home now. Even if you weren't pregnant, you are at home with young children and may need your partner!

As an aside, the whole business of staying out beyond the minimum (when the meal finished) sounds like some sort of stag do or acting like he's still single and has no responsibilities. I don't mean as in infidelity, just that stag do / boys together mentality.

As an aside, what's his job that he can function after an allnighter and possibly hungover? I hope he's not driving today if they were drinking all night.

I meant to say- I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. I am fuming on your behalf!

How would he react if you went out for a walk or to visit a pal tonight, switched your phone off and came home v late?

Thought so

Look, he's been a twat for one night. He does deserve a telling off etc etc but really if he is a good guy then you can allow it to be dropped. It was one night - if he's great in other ways then dont stress too much.

God I would be fucking fuming, and would give him both barrels. But then, if he was contrite and its a one off, I'd let it go. Game playing is pointless, and seldom helps, but I would let him know that he has to man up and stop acting like a bloody teenager.

What an utter knob he was.

DH did similar to me when I was about 38w pg with DS; only not as late by a long way but he came home utterly wasted about 3am, having said he'd be back by 11pm. He couldn't see the problem - if I'd gone into labour, he'd have "got his uncle to drive me to the hospital" - at which point I said "oh and I suppose your uncle would have stayed with me through labour as well, would he??!" The look of shock on DH's face was actually quite funny at that point - the fecking idiot hadn't thought it through at all. Anyway - I got an apology and he didn't get drunk again before DS was born - but I was still furious at his immaturity and lack of thought that night.

Re. what you do about it - well, demand an apology for starters. Ask him what he would have done if you had gone into labour while you couldn't get hold of him - try and shock him into understanding what a total cock he was.

And I admit I would be off to the Olympics thing without him unless I got some proper apologising and contrition!

Ok, I think I have resolved it. He is a good husband and dad, and was an utter knob that night.

I text him (can't take calls at work, and we tend to get arguments resolved better by text cos we stay calm, whereas we go off the point and go nuts if we do it verbally). Anyway, I told him again it was it acceptable, and he was contrite. I even got an apology which is virtually unheard of.

We chatted about more about it and a few other bug bears, I think it's sorted now. We have been through a tough time recently - rough pregnancy with lots of complications and 2 house moves this year.

Thanks for your support though. I would not have confronted him about it, just seethed silently if it wasn't for your advice. Truly appreciated!

Oh for Gods sake, what a crock of shit.....so he expects you to believe that juicy gossip detained him out all night?

I'm calling bullshit.

If he is at work now could you email your OP to him so that he can sit and read it and see this from your POV?

As you describe he is seeing this all from what he saw and what he knew. He knew he was fine, he knew that he wasnt lying broken in a ditch somewhere.

What he is failing to do is see this from your side.

Perhaps reading an email from you (while he is nursing his hangover and lack of sleep) might be a suitable slap in the face. Your last paragraph about him not apologising and you feeling like you are married to a twat would hold the mirror up to him.