Am I a doormat?

[Jamandcheese]

I've been married to DH for nearly four years. We have had lots of ups and downs. I feel like a doormat and I wonder if he will change.

In our first year he lied a lot to me. For instance, telling me he had to work in another city overnight but had a belated stag do hosted by workmates. I found out as he had set reminders in his phone when to ring me so that I would believe him. Even to the extent he got his secretary to lie to me where he was when I couldn't get hold of him.

When he drinks, he drinks to the point where he can't remember what happened. He would go out with clients and say I will be home at1am then turn up around 5am. And in that time, I could never get hold of him. And this would mean that I would stay up worrying that something had happened. This too while I was pregnant. After each time he would promise to change but he didn't. And it still happens.

While I was pregnant, he had a one night stand. Its been hard to get over and we are still working through it.

He recently got caught drink driving. Which I was shocked about as he is so against that. We nearly lost everything. His job, our income, everything he put on the line.

He has started goin out again. And I am ok with that, but on the basis he keeps in contact with me. So far, so good.

But yesterday, he we t out and came back at 2am. Not bad right? But he told me he was getting a taxi at 11.30. It's a 30 minute ride home. So it took him 1.5 hours to get home. And I must have rang him 30 times as I was worried. He was apologetic but told me that I can't expect him to be perfect straight away that he will make mistakes. But it's not straight away, it's four years

What would he say if he was expecting you home at 11.30, but you. Didn't pitch up until 2amand were uncontactable?

It doesn't sound like he's working on anything.

Oh dear. Jam this is awful for you, the whole lot, I'm wondering why the first year turned into another 3?!

IME men like this don't change, can you really continue another four years like this?

You can't expect him to be perfect straight away?? As if! He can't get much further away than perfect. This is just his way of telling you to shut up and put up.

I think you know the answer to your question, you are not a doormat but the person you have chosen to marry certainly is treating you like one.

Question for you now is what do you think you can do about it?

BTW I llived with this lack of security and love for 4 years, now I'm with a solid, reliable man, who is a fabulous dad, rarely drinks, and never flirts about. It is wonderful to not be constantly worried about when and if he comes home, or what state he is driving home in, and it feels wonderful to be in a relationship that is equal.

They are out there you know!

Sounds like he has an alcohol problem or is an alcoholic - and is a complete bastard.

Not a happy combination. And hell for you to live with and try and build a family with.

He's already been caught drink driving and you nearly lost everything and he's had a one night stand while you were pregnant, which I'm willing to bet was booze-fuelled, thus risking his marriage and family as well. If he's risking everything because of drink, he's got a pretty serious problem.

Tell him he's got to go and dry out or you'll be leaving him and taking the children. This might give him a wake up call to do something about it, but he has to want to do it.

Even taking alcohol out of the equation, it doesn't sound like he wants to engage with family life or your marriage at all.

I'm sure you're already going through hell and I'm sorry to say that I can't see things getting any easier any time soon. You'd be better off out of there if he's not willing to change and serious about doing it. From your post it doesn't seem like he is.

You say you're 'working through' his one-night stand? Are you working this through with the help of Relate or other marriage counselling service?

Have you thought about divorcing him?

I've posted because I'm upset. I'm now on antidepressants because of how this has all made me feel.

If I'm honest, I'm a coward. I don't think I have the courage to leave him. If a friend had told me about her husband doing this I would think she was a pushover.

I have thought about divorce, but we have children and I want this o work. I wn to believe in the good points he oes ave, and that maybe he will change. But, it's been nearly four years. After his one might stand, that should have been the biggest wake up call.

I've thought about counseling, but money is tight now. Especially with his drink driving, we had to hire a lawyer and that cost so much money.

I look at my life and can't believ that this is it. I never expected a fairytale but not this. Always feel on edge that something else is about o happen.

I wish I was a stronger woman, I do. But I'm not.

Jam, yep this type of relationship does that too you, I ended up on AD's too.

The trouble is I don't think you can work on it. He is the one that needs to change and there isn't anything you can do to make that happen IMO. Apart from leave him but you say you are a coward, have you always described yourself as a coward or is this a result of your marriage?

You say you wish you were a stronger women, the strongest women put into your marriage would feel her strength being taken away. Can you find some strength in other people? Friends/family, anyone in RL that can make you feel stronger, and share some of your worry with you?

MN is great for building some strength up in women too, hopefully some more people will be along soon to help build you up a bit. You need a bit of confidence back.

What outside support do you have?.

You cannot carry this on your own, he does not want to work things out and he is not bothered with either you or the children.

You are no doormat but he is treating you like one and he does not give a monkeys. You have become so ground down and inured to his behaviours that you do not know which way is up anymore. He is the root cause of your unhappiness, small wonder you've now ended up on anti depressants.

Such men do not change, they really do not. You are seeing the real him.

How old are the DC, they see all this happening in front of them and they are learning about relationships from both of you. What do you yourself want to teach them about relationships?. Staying in such a dysfunctional marriage for them is really no option at all for either you or them; they will see that you lived a lie and they won't thank you for doing so. You can get out but you have to take the first and often the most hardest of steps, to do so.

You know this is not right because you have posted here. You can ultimately leave him, its okay to do so. No-one benefits from being in such a relationship and another 5-10 years of this will really kill you inside. He is not worth it.

You have a choice re him, your children do not.

He clearly doesn't want to engage in your marriage and sadly all the times he has come very close to losing everything he still hasn't woken up to the fact that he is simply a sad drunk who cheats and lies.
As someone said above the cognitive dissonance is what is making you unhappy. You can't change him but you can change yourself, but you need to do it for yourself and for the DCs. He is making you into a doormat, but within you is the person you were before all this happened. Start thinking about what you want and your family needs. Get some strong RL friends and family around you, try to ignore his behaviour, don't engage and certainly don't waste family money on finding legal help for his drink-driving. The only way he might (and that is just a might) change is if he wakes up and realises that his family are worth more than a bottle or a quick shag.

Please don't do this to your children
You have a choice, they don't.
My aunt was married to a man who sounds a lot like your dh..cheating when she was pg.
Drinking.
Staying out all hours.
She stuck it for over 20 years "trying to make it work"
Thing is, you can try to make it work if both parties want to.
Your dh doesn't, obviously.
Her children, my cousins, have been irreparably damaged.
You are much stronger than you think. I guarantee that.
X

I went on ADs twice to try to cope with X's infidelities and drunkeness. The manipulation alone is cruel and unusual.

No words of advice but hope you can find a way through this.

Don't blame yourself either. He is the one doing wrong. He won't change. I hope you can work out how you want to deal with this.

It's not so much that you're a doormat, but that he's a knob.

You have been expecting him to turn into a decent human being, probably because you are a caring and decent human being yourself.

Well, he has clearly shown you that he is not. And he is not about to turn into one.

You tried to make it work, but you can't make another person change when they don't want to. It's ok to call time on something that just plain isn't working. Don't make yourself any sicker trying to fix the unfixable.

"I have thought about divorce, but we have children and I want this o work"

You want your children to grow up thinking that this is the way healthy adult relationships play out? That being a lying, drunken, man who shags around behind his pregnant wife's back is acceptable.... and that women should put up and shut up with any old crap just so that they have a partner? I don't think your children will thank you for that role-modelling when they get older.

Of course you hope for the best - that's how every woman in your situation stays trapped. He treats you with contempt precisely because he knows you'll always try to make things better and that he doesn't have to lift a finger. Think again about divorce and get yourself some proper legal advice because this is not going to get any better.

My DCs are 20 months and 4 months.

I've learnt how to pretend that everything is ok. People think we have a great marriage. It can be good, we do have good times. But it just feels like crap at the moment.

Everyday feels like a battle. To be strong and to be a good mum, a good wife and a good DIL. But for what? What do I get?

"To be strong and to be a good mum, a good wife and a good DIL."

Just focus on being Jamandcheese for a change...... good, bad or indifferent. Make yourself #1 priority in your life rather than seeing yourself and your life solely as the property of others. Children are important, of course, but you still have to come first. If you're 'feeling like crap' that's no good for them. There is no obligation whatsoever to be a 'good wife' to a 'crap husband'. Your in-laws should be apologising for having raised such a shit son... you owe them nothing.

Love your own self for a change. Your H clearly does not and he treats you with contempt. You are only responsible for yourself and your children; they do not need such a poor relationship model to grow up with because as they get older they will become more aware of their parents private war.

Stop pretending that everything is okay; people like your family, friends and inlaws do not have to live your life behind closed doors. You cannot be serious surely about wanting to make this work; do not bring the children into it. They do not need such a poor role model for a father.

Any "good times" with him that you have had are very short lived and are outweighed by the bad. Those good times with him also are probably not as good as you wish to believe.

Thank you. I feel like I'm worrying about everyone and no one gives a rat arse about me sometimes.

I've told my DH that in not happy in this relationship. Not happy with living in uncertainty. Im tired of living in constant hope that things will change.

I want to be happy again. I want to be confident in my relationship and I want to care about myself. Because at the moment I don't like me

Yes, you are being a doormat.

Sorry :(

It's no good telling your DH what you think and what you want- he is not interested, or listening.

He shouldn't need anyone to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable- where is his own moral compass?

You need to get your head out of the sand- the likelihood of him changing is remote.

You are wishing for the (probaby) impossible.

Put your energy into thinking how to leave- and get off the drugs.

How can you allow a man to let you get this low?

Not meaning to be harsh but you need a wake up call just as much as he does.

His mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. She is starting radiotherapy next week. I feel
Like I'm being selfish making this about me when so many other things are going on.

Your H has choices - he is not someone who this accidentally happens to...he makes this happen.

In the effort to hang on to your marriage you have no boundaries and he will just continue to cross the line. You cannot affect his behaviour - only he can. How old are your children? His behaviour will impact them and if they are still young it will be easier to leave.You may not be able to make the decision to separate but I think at some stage you will feel able to leave. I hope for your sake it is sooner as this man will destroy your self esteem.

I honestly believe you will be happier - I had a similar partner so I know from experience.

It IS about you- and your children. Why is that wrong?

You are making excuses for him and you have totally lost perspective- which is common in women with low self esteem, and who are emotionally bullied or manipulated.

Does he drink at home?
How often does he go out drinking?

He has a problem with drink.

You don't have to be part of that.

You have a choice.

It feels about honesty to me. Can he be honest with you, and vice versa?

What is he doing about his alcoholism?