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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found something out about DP today...

61 replies

Gettheetoanunnery · 26/07/2012 19:09

Went round for a bottle of wine cup of tea at MILs today, somehow we got on the subject of the fact DP has always told lies. I had no idea about this side to him as he's always gone on about how important it is for us to be truthful.
He told me he used to live in Canada, this is not true.
He told me he had 2 adopted sister's, one of them died when we were in our first years of the relationship and the other one moved back to Canada. This is not true, they dont exist.
He told me he was in the special forces, also not true.

Now I'm really confused. I keep looking at back over our time and trying to figure out what else he's been lieing about. I feel hurt :( I've always tried to be ultra sensitive about his sisters as it obviously seemed like a sensitive subject to him, he must have been laughing his head off behind my back.

If he's lied about this, then what else has he lied about? How will I ever find out? His mum only knows so much about his life and I don't think she'll want to get very involved.
I haven't said anything to him yet, I want to get my head together first before I confront him. I don't know what to do :( am I totally over reacting?

OP posts:
Gettheetoanunnery · 27/07/2012 08:24

imperial that's almost exactly what MIL said to do!

It was right near the beginning of our relationship that he said about his sisters. We were both in a bad place back then, I know I told a few lies as well but not total fantasy ones.
I confronted him about it last night, he seemed more relieved than anything tbh. "the sisters" were actually 2 friends of his that he wasn't really friends with anymore. He thought it made sense at the time to say they were sisters Confused
I asked him if there was anything else he has lied about as I'd rather find out from him now than someone else later. He said there's nothing else. Seems a bit of a coincidence that the 3 things I found out about today are the only lies he's told me Hmm

He said he did used to tell a lot of lies or exaggerate things but he stopped when we got together properly. I can't think of much that he might have lied about in the past 4 years, there's nothing massive I can think of anyway. But then my memory can be quite poor so maybe I'm totally forgetting something? I've always known he likes to exaggerate situations, but I know a lot of people who do that.
I'm just worried, his mum said he's always told little lies, it's obviously a trait of his. What if one day he does something bad and lies about it? What if he's lieing about something right now?

I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 27/07/2012 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/07/2012 08:57

Hmm I'm afraid that I still think it's lies and '"the sisters" were actually 2 friends of his that he wasn't really friends with anymore', aren't real at all and never were.

I think you need to really re-examine your relationship and question if you can live with someone prone to lying.

My ExH got himself neck deep in debt and hid all the letters/ statements and lied about that too. So I think I am very concerned for you as he sounds so similar in many ways.

I think counselling is fantastic, for anyone in any situation, he needs help. But I think you should live apart for now, for as long as it takes for you, not him, to get clarity about what you want.

The longer it takes the better really, because if he is really serious about changing and wanting to be the man you need him to be then he will wait for you. As he should.

You will then see how real and true his intentions are, its too easy when we're faced with the prospect of losing something, to commit to new ways of behaving, that are in fact unsustainable.

But I suspect it may be that when the dust has settled and you have some distance on it, that you will see the relationship differently. Everything is clearer in retrospect. For when you give up the fear of losing him, you can calmly evaluate - is this what I want?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/07/2012 09:03

It's a huge thing to decide to end a relationship, especially when you have a child together, there are a lot of fears about money, arranging contact with the child and Dad in the future, your future, being alone etc.

When I was seeking advice on my old thread, under another name, I got some very wise advice, one person said to me "I know you want a stable father figure for your child, but it is equally important that your child see's their mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself.

The message we send to our children when we sell ourselves short, by accepting far far less than we should, can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as adults and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unreliable and dishonest. Of course he will always be this person, but it may only be the end of your relationship that prompts him to reexamine this.

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them."

They were wise words, hard to swallow at the time and I didn't want to end things, but I look back now and I am thankful for the advice and they were right. It took me months to build up the courage to end it for good though and realise what the mumsnetters had said, was completely right Sad

I know on mn we often say leave the bastard, I try to not do that, perhaps my past really is colouring my pov on this thread, as I've said already, but I think you would be far far better off without a compulsive liar. There are good, decent, honourable men out there, you deserve one x

Spuddybean · 27/07/2012 09:11

Oh dear OP. I think this is a worry for you. My DP was in the military and would often get phone calls from women saying 'My DH has just gone off on a secret mission and he has left his gun behind...' It would then emerge the guy was a fantasist/bigamist with no relation to the forces at all.

My parents have a friend who is a fantasist (i do think there is a difference between this and a liar - fantasists actually believe it on a superficial level and think they are doing it for the right reasons). His wife has just left him after years of bizarre lies. (He also told his children mad lies which of course they believe - why wouldn't they?)

On a separate note OP - don't feel bad about not asking about sisters etc beforehand. My DP has 2 half sisters who he hasn't seen since he was a child and i have never asked about them, I don't know anyone in his families names (apart from PILS), have no idea how many aunts uncles he has. And it is the same the other way round - he has never met my sister and doubtful even knows her name. Some families are just not like that. So don't feel foolish.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2012 10:22

He doesn't know your sister's name, Spuddy? How long has he known you? Do you have any contact with your sister?

Spuddybean · 27/07/2012 10:42

We have been together for 3 years and baby due in 4 weeks Imperial. Sister is bit of a twat and i haven't seen her since xmas. We aren't close but send cards/gifts for birthdays/xmas and see each other at my parents about 2/3 times per year.

I rarely speak about her to DP (not much to say really), but i probably say 'my sister' if i do, as if i said her name he wouldn't really know who i was talking about. Actually - I doubt she knows his name either. She has never asked about my life and if i say something about him/not about her, she will actually walk away/talk over me/or once said 'i don't care' - Charming!

Anyway sorry for hijack OP - Just responding to those who ask why hadn't you asked about family? To some people it just isn't relevant.

Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 13:09

He sounds nice. Not.

molepom · 27/07/2012 13:12

Run.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2012 13:18

Compulsive liars and fantasists are bad news. Too many red flags to count.

He sounds like my narcissistic BIL who has actively falsified a large part of his life to big himself up.

Also if anyone ever tells you that they have been in the special forces its always a lie and such people should be given a wide berth.

DO not walk away from this, run for the hills!!!.

MadamFolly · 27/07/2012 13:53

First thing I would do is go through all your finances since you got together. Do you have anything joint? Can you have a glance through his paperwork for and credit cards etc?

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