Found something out about DP today...

[Gettheetoanunnery]

Went round for a bottle of wine cup of tea at MILs today, somehow we got on the subject of the fact DP has always told lies. I had no idea about this side to him as he's always gone on about how important it is for us to be truthful.
He told me he used to live in Canada, this is not true.
He told me he had 2 adopted sister's, one of them died when we were in our first years of the relationship and the other one moved back to Canada. This is not true, they dont exist.
He told me he was in the special forces, also not true.

Now I'm really confused. I keep looking at back over our time and trying to figure out what else he's been lieing about. I feel hurt :( I've always tried to be ultra sensitive about his sisters as it obviously seemed like a sensitive subject to him, he must have been laughing his head off behind my back.

If he's lied about this, then what else has he lied about? How will I ever find out? His mum only knows so much about his life and I don't think she'll want to get very involved.
I haven't said anything to him yet, I want to get my head together first before I confront him. I don't know what to do :( am I totally over reacting?

I'm not an expert, but the massive lies to me scream massive insecurities. Big disappointment in who they are, leading to exaggerations and fantasy worlds. I think the "I was in an exclusive branch of the military" lie is quite a common one for these kinds of people: it's something not many people can do, it's mysterious, it impresses people. Ego inflated. He needs to see someone about this and go into the reasons why he lies the way he does, if he has been making things up.

If you confront him I would do it carefully, because he is going to panic when you do. Fantasists rely on people not speaking up or quickly backing down to continue their lies.

Oh I'm so sorry. This is going to end badly one way or another.

Are you able to cope financially on your own?

As you have a dc together just walking away isn't really an option, could you start by asking him about the made up sisters? Perhaps say you mentioned them to mil and she said they didn't exist. It would be interesting to know what he says or if he admits its a lie.

Good god, definitely not over-reacting! I would definitely bring it up, I would also probably mention where you heard it from. He won't be able to backtrack or cover it up with more lies if he knows you heard it from his mum. He can hardly say his mum is confused over her own adopted daughters.

He obviously has some kind of issue; he needs to admit that and ask for help before you can do anything else I think.

My ExH told enormous lies, about where he'd been on holiday and people dying His parents also knew he had a habit of this, but they never told me, until we were already separated and talking about him.

The lying eventually turned to covering up an affair and a porn addiction. We used to have enormous phone bills from premium rate phone calls and he would insist it was fraud. I still feel like a mug for believing him. He'd also lie about fraud on our credit cards when it was actually him.

The truth is with my ExH, he simply had a lot of ishoos, an awful lot and he should have sought psychotherapy or CBT counselling. His whole upbringing was dysfunctional and this was a symptom of it. As well as his self loathing and low self esteem. It's disturbing, looking back at it all and his behaviour.

After I started realising he lied, I had trouble believing anything he said, and trouble sleeping at night, as I also wondered if he was, where he really said he was. Iyswim. It is a big problem. Every time I then discovered a further lie, I'd feel sick. You're not over reacting but if you do confront him, he may create an even bigger lie, rather than admit it all Or perhaps my experience is colouring it all and skewing my pov? My ExH said he was being black mailed by the police, at one stage, to try to cover his affair and I believed him He made it sound convincing and even created documentation on his pc. I'm relieved we're divorced these days, it really messed with my mind, being with him

As someone said to me on mn many moons ago: lying isn't what he does, it's who he is. But it's hard choosing to end things. If he won't admit the truth and get help, it's best to walk away imo.

omg - anyone who lies about so much routinely has issues - I think the term is pathological liar? So I would be very worried too...

You have been together for 5 years, have a child together and only now are you asking after his sisters?

Run, run for the hills.

I have a family member who has taken up with a total fantasist. He's managed to alienate her from anyone who won't buy his bullshit. Which is all of us including extended family apart from one. it's terribly sad because we were so close, more like sisters than cousins, but now we don't speak because she is so blinded by him.

My friend had one of these... He ripped her off for nearly £40k. I had one too but he just hurt my feelings and was emotionally abusive and a bully.

I'm sorry but this is all very odd and he needs help to either face up to the lying and stop it or to understand why he did/does it.

I think it stems from insecurity as well...but it's an intolerable trait in a person. You can't trust anything they say...which is a problem.
You also feel exploited and manipulated by them.

I had a good friend/flatmate that I lived with for two years...he turned out to be a fantasist. It didn't take too long to work it out - but in the beginning I took him at his word as it all seemed plausible...he lied about military status in the same way - he had been in the army...but he was a cook. He pretended he was adopted, and had been given up by his mother who then committed suicide.
His mum and dad, as it turned out, were just his mum and dad.

There is loads more, to do with cheating on his gf, being dodgy as fuck with money, and generally being intense and lying about things when there was no need to. I think he had a pd of some description.

I no longer see him - he eventually threatened me with violence when I confronted him over yet another tall tale. Ended up with him holding his closed fist in my face and verbally abusing me, because he was so outraged that I had accused him of lying.

Anyway...that was a long time ago. What a fucking bellend.

He said his sisters had a big falling out with his dad and that's why they moved away. I thought it was something they didn't like to talk about so I never brought it up. I feel so stupid now I'm a sahm with 0 zero qualifications,what the fuck am I going to do!

"You have been together for 5 years, have a child together and only now are you asking after his sisters?"

I think on the outside I would be asking that question too. However my ExH was so convincing and could remember each lie exactly and embellish or add reasons why, if I brought it up again. My memory is poor and he played on that too I still cannot believe that he played me for such a fool, but I am a kind person and believe the best in people. Perhaps it's similar for the OP too. He has taken advantage of your good nature.

Hope you're ok OP, you must be reeling.

You WILL be fine if you end things. I thought I wouldn't manage, but you do. Citizens Advice are a great help, when you are talking through your options and finances.

I'm going to think for a bit, I'll be back later. Thanks for your support, I love MN :)

I'm not sure if I'd feel brave enough to confront the person....I'd be worried about who they really are and what else they may be capable of...esp. as they are living in another planet of their own creation....so easily too, it seems???

Why in 5yrs have you never noticed there are no photo's, no mentions made, no relevant indications that these 2 sisters existed anywhere???...I'm a bit confused you have only just come to ask and even ask yourself about these things???

Dig deeper....and investigate the mortgage, banking, credit cards...everything!!!...
I think you have been very naive and need to wake up and smell the coffee...very quickly!!!

Oh I'd be so tempted to blow it all up in his face.

Imagine the scene. You and he are at his mum's. He's just about to sip hot tea when you say, "Whereabouts in Canada did your adopted sister move to, X?" Turn to his mum, "You must really miss her. I do hope she can come back for our wedding."

Turn to X. "Did you get over to Canada when you were working for the Special Forces?"

Then sit back and smile.

LOL Imperial. Brilliant! I was never that clever with my Ex

OP, I think anyone who can invent a dead adopted sister can also lie about absolutely anything.

Make sure your money is separate from his and safe.

Tbh I wouldn't marry him. How could you trust him?

Oh goodness me OP

Lying is the worst and a compulsive liar is seriously dangerous ground.

You need to get out fast. I know you probably don't want a dramatic change to your life but with lies your life isn't true anyway.

I had an ex-partner who lied all the time. I never knew why, and nor did his friends or family. One of the worst lies was that he once told his family that he'd spent Christmas with me and my parents. It was a total lie, but what was so horrible was that he told them that my parents were really uptight and it was a very formal, boring and miserable occasion. He'd never even met my parents!! I was furious - lying about where he was is bad enough, but to tell total lies about my parents is, I think, an awful thing to do.

I found it so hard being with him, as I never knew what was true and what wasn't. He could lie about anything from really mundane things to more serious stuff. I'd have a serious talk with this man and see if he can explain why he feels the need to do this. But unless you think he can change (and in my experience this is doubtful) you might have to start thinking about whether you can live the rest of your life with someone when you can't trust a word they say.

My ex used to do it. Like he was a bit of a fantasist. He was absolutely besotted with a particular north east musician and he told me he was born in Newcastle. That was the mildest of the lies really. He also told me he had cancer, his dad had cancer etc etc. He obviously has mental health issues but naive old me believed what he said in the early years. Suffice to say, he led me a merry old dance and I should have given him his matching orders a lot sooner than I did. Beware OP!

OP can you remember the context of the lies? Did he just say out of the blue that his adopted sister had died? Was he trying to top what you were saying, or was he in trouble over something?

And can you remember his last lie?

Why do a lot of these type of liars seem to say they are in the military?