Should i leave a partner who is always right etc

[12kaz12]

I will try to keep this as short as i can, i need some advise because i cant seem to make a decision for myself anymore.
I have been with partner for 11 years, 2 kids 9 and 5. I always seem to walk on eggshells, im always scared to tell him about anything thats troubling me because he doesnt GETit. His mother today told me his dad is the same and for an easy life she just says yes dear no dear even when she knows she is right. He seems to think the world owes him something. 2 weeks ago my boss reversed into our car, he has agreed to pay for repair. intially partner was fine with it, now he doesnt like where i have agreed to take it and wants to go through the insurance with the car...would make my life and job very awkward i need my job and enjoy it and if the guy has agreed to pay dont see what the issue is!! but my feelings dont count for anything as usual... My parents have had enough of him which puts me in another dilemma. He is on antidepressents as was very ill last year and was threatning to kill himself, we saw numerous docs, to which he said i am wonderful etc but he doesnt show it!. He also told me last week when i tried to brouch the subject of splitting, that he would never want to see the kids again. He said that as everything is his i would get nothing, i said all i want is to be happy again and a contribution to the kids, he said NO! I do love him so much because when he is grounded things have been soooo good. but i am fed up of feeling down trodden and worthless. Am i being emotionally abused or am i just over reacting? He will walk in and grunt at me, frown at me and ask whether im stupid? then the evenings are so hostile not talking etc, when i say this he says well its you ignoring me! maybe i am but i go into my little shell as by making conversation is like walking through treacle.
I said to his mum that we should be equals but i dont expect she will say anything as she is most probably as worried about confrontation as i am.
He blames his moods on his bad back or my lack of housework(to which he bever helps) he spends weekends night fishing most of the open season, to which he does take the oldest kid with him.
Even she rolls her eyes behind his back at times..
If i want to go anywhere with my friends i have to ask him to babysit!
I really need to hear from people who have similar experiences... If i go i can go back to my mums for a while (which will be awkward) but with all the new changes for tax credits etc coming in, i would be up shitcreek without a paddle.
Help!

That's emotional abuse, unfortunately. Not taking you seriously, being a grumpy, lazy, PITA around the home, awkward, threatening dire stuff if you don't stay with him, blaming you for his bad moods, taking himself off on leisurely pursuits but criticising you for not keeping the house clean. It's not that he doesn't 'get it'... he just doesn't care.

And then the acid test for EA.... I do love him so much because when he is grounded things have been soooo good...... GOTCHA! All the time you're waiting for him to be in a good mood again, you're trapped walking on eggshells, frightened of another outburst. As Shakespeare put it 'a triumph of hope over experience.'

It's wrong, it's intolerable and it's no wonder you're miserable.

Well, if he's going to sulk and grump anyway, you may as well stick to your decision to get the car repaired where and how you see fit. You're not saving yourself any confrontation in the long term, as he calls you stupid whether you do as he says or not (horrible man).

As for the wider issue, I haven't been in exactly your position so my experiences won't help much, but I strongly recommend you get some legal advice. You're probably not entitled to much if not married, but he will be liable to contribute to the upkeep of HIS children at the very least. Who knows, if he realises you are serious about leaving it might, just might, cause him to pull his socks up and treat you like a real human being for a change. Or it might not, in which case you leave and he can growl and grump in his lonely old cave all he likes, it won't be your problem any more. I don't see how you can lose!

It goes without saying that you should leave the bastard.

Now, let's deal with the praticalities that will ensure you don't have to take any more of his crap for very much longer.

Are you married? Is the property you live in rented or subject to a mortgage and is it in your joint names?

12kaz12, sorry you are having such a tough time. I'm not surprised you can't think.
Your post is so full of red flags I've lost count.

Yes, this is classic emotional abuse in every respect.

Not much time to go into it at present but have a look at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1514011-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-10

• especially the resources at the top.

...and have a

"His mother today told me his dad is the same and for an easy life she just says yes dear no dear "

I think there is a special circle of hell reserved for women that, having wasted their own life kowtowing to a bully of a husband and raising a DS to be just as big a bully in turn, go on to condone their actions and suggest the DIL should put up and say nothing for a quiet life.

What she should be saying is 'RUN!!'.

Yet another man who threatens not to see children again if you split!! Some men would love the chance to be a father. Clear cut abusive, and controls finances/thinks he has you over a barrel. The outstanding thing is the sadness and loneliness. I have recently come out of a relationship like this...holding out for those good moments are what keeps you stuck. A decent person is generally good to be around, with periods of mediocrity and the odd off day..but they still basically make sense and are FAIR. I have had those 'good' times, but its like being on drugs (as some other posters raised)...you chase the highs, mainly live with the lows, but the experience of those highs keeps you hankering for more...Good relationships are not like this.
Proverb : If you're already walking on thin ice, you may as well dance....

I lived with a Mr Right for 20 years and by that time I just withdrew into myself as I was so downtrodden.

When we separated I was lost as he had always maintained he was Right about everything. And I had given up arguing my point long ago as he always turned things around on me by saying things like "you can never take advice as you just think I am critising you".... And yes he was always critising me because Mr Right was always Right!!!

Well I am separated now over 3 1/2 years and I am very happy I actually think for myself now (i never thought i could). And my two children are happy as well and as for Mr Right he lives on his own with work and alcohol as his only friends.....just desserts I guess!!!!

You say you love him. Why? Really, he sounds like a waste of your time.

to izzyizin - it is mortgage in his name only, not married. Have lived together since 2001. I have only contributed to household running, food, net, phone, water, electric.... i have the council tax going out of his account which he doesnt like!!

Have just seen him at his mums and he has a go at me because a company called him they apparantly have been sending invoices for last 2 months which we havent got!! i filter all the post to make sure all running smoothly and havent seen any but he blames me saying well they are right you are wrong...

Im soooo tired but am so scared to leave... im such an idiot!! all i ever have wanted is someone to lean on and vice versa. I know lifes not all roses but is a bit of happiness to much to ask...

If i take the leap and go i am so worried that he may do something to harm my family he is a loose canon!!
He is very loving towards the kids, cuddles them, kisses them and they would be heartbroken if he didnt see them and i dont want them blaming me for that... He's due home any minute so lets see what way this goes...i feel sick to my stomach, dont want to cry in front of the kids.

I think you need to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 straight away and ask if they have somewhere safe that you and the children could go. You sound very upset but also fearful. Once you're away from any risk of harm then start rebuilding your life. As you're not married you unfortunately don't have as many rights as others but Womens Aid are also very helpful in that regard as well.

FWIW Your children are probably as wary of him as you are. They may be small but they can see through cuddles and kisses.

Thank you all for your understanding, last night i decided to take the children to see some fireworks, i put them in the car and came back inside to talk to him.
I stood up to him a bit.. i asked when he was going to stop being an arsehole! this led to a row, i said you are being EA, you're being exactly like your dad, who you have despised because of how he was to your mum, you treat me like shit on your shoe, do you not care about my feelings(this was then turned round that if i cared about his i would keep the house tidy) That i cant listen to anything about me or my failings i always turn it all on him! He said he was going up to see my boss tomorrow and demand the car goes thru insurance...when i said again for christ sake listen to me he turned it round that as i think all those things about him then he may as well go and see the boss...trying to make me feel that if i kept my mouth shut then he wouldnt, What a Dick..... For years i put it all down to the depression at times it was so awful he wouldnt get out of bed etc etc, i refused to cook any dinner before i went out, said you are capable of making it yourself! well when we got back he was having crisps and salami sandwich!! i put the kids to bed and till half 1 when he went to bed not a single word was uttered! I stayed on the sofa, i am so dreading today, i could lose my job.. i spoke to my parents yesterday morning (they dont know anything that has happened since) and they are so annoyed with him. They work at the same place i do and i can see my dad not holding his tongue and having a go, What a mess!! Last week i worried about telling him about the car for fear of behaving like this but he surprised me by laughing, Now hes doing exactly what i feared, Why the change? He also said it is a legal right to go through insurance... i said that if he had banged into someone and didnt want to lose no claims etc then he would offer to pay privately, he said yes but its not about me!
Theres so much more i could write.

Sorry if im rambling, im just trying to make sense of a crap situation and am so happy people on here listen.

Personally I would [possibly with your parents] get in ahead of him. Go and see your boss, explain what a knob jockey he is being and say you are happy for things to remain as agreed........

Then get the hell out with the children........

There is help and you can rent.

Ok take a few deep breaths. I very much doubt you will lose your job over this. Hopefully your boss will be able to stand up to this bully & get it sorted. Could you have a quiet word with your boss & warn him this may happen?

Other than that I say run, he's an arse. I suffer from depression & there's no way I'd treat my husband the way you are being treated, it's no excuse at all.

He sounds awful. Get out of there. Talk to your parents, explain the situation honestly, maybe they can help you build a new life?

Yes, definitely, get in first and explain to your boss!

Can you do as others have suggested, get in early and explain the situation to your boss. You don't need to go into full details, just that you are in the process of splitting up and to get at you, your partner is behaving like a pratt. Is the car in your name? If so your husband doesn't get to decide what happens. If it's in his name/insurance then unfortunately there's not a lot you can do. I would hope your boss is a decent enough person to be supportive of you.

Sometimes we don't know how unhappy a relationship is making us until we leave it and begin to find our wings. Of course, you may have some difficulties financially and emotionally making it on your own, but you have to counteract that with the price of your and your children's happiness.

Good luck.

Explain everything to your boss. I wouldn't pull any punches as these men thrive on the fact that no one really knows what arseholes they are to their family. Please don't be embarassed.

Also if your boss understands the situation then he could be a valuable ally in the months ahead if you and hopefully you will leave.

As for threatening not to see the children, how pathetic and nasty of him. Quite frankly if he has that attitude to them then they are better off away from him.

Good luck with it all, he sounds horrendous and be wary of getting sucked back in by a 'nice' spurt which he will no doubt play if he thinks you're leaving.

And you will be ok. Its amazing how and it does take time good things can be when you can see the wood for the trees x

Just wanted to offer my support, kaz

I've been where you are, and there is a far better life waiting for you out there. You deserve to be free and happy, and you can be.

Well this morning, he got up at 10, complete silence towards me, i said are you going to stop being a child, More silence... the youngest asked if she could go to work with him, he said yes, while putting her shoes on i asked him where are you working i would like to know where she is going to be... didnt think this unreasonable! eventually he shouted 'at my mum n dads OK!', i said ok i pick her up in a bit (as the children had been down there yesterday and ultimatly it would be his mum watching her, his dad has terminal cancer and undergoing chemo so alot for his mum to do) he stormed out the door and said 'No point then' which left my little one in tears.. he went in the direction of his parents not my work so fingers crossed with that!, I dont know whether the silence is because he hates me or because what i said last night hit some raw nerves!

he is meant to be having the youngest all day sunday as i am taking oldest to a concert , but i have arranged for her to go to a friends, this i suppose will p* him off.

The car is in his name as is everything. My boss to be honest is a bit of a idiot at times, very intelligent but NO common sense. and we are very quiet at work at the moment so we always on edge of seats as to whether he will let anyone go.

Will update this evening, i have started making a start on sorting out cupboards and filling wheelie bins with unwanted stuff.. 11 years is alot to clear out..
thanks everyone its nice to be able to air off on here as i dont really want to air my dirty laundry all around my friends yet.

im not even crying, hoping for a miracle that he can see the light,(dont think it gonna happen) What makes me sick to the stomach is the thought of leaving him (i still love him) and him going off sleeping with other people, How irrational and stupid is that?!?

As with everything else in life hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I don't think you need to worry about him sleeping with other people FWIW. He sounds like a very unattractive man.

he is throwing his toys out the pram. DO NOT GIVE IN.

and he knows if he hurts the kids it hurts you. he's playing a game, leave him to it.

well im still here! he has just gone off in his van without a word to any of us.Complete silence, but i admit i am doing it back as i tried to make conversation about a mutual friend of ours and a serious accident she was nearly in yesterday and he grunted didnt even look at me, so why should i try!

I said to him last night that i am going out for dinner with family tonight would he like the kids or shall i make other arrangements...(he was previously asked to to come for the meal as well but i dont want him there) tomorrow he is having dd2 as i am taking dd1 to a concert.(i have back up in place just in case he lets me down has happened before.
last night he made a comment to the oldest when he went to bed 'sorry you live in a shithole' after looking at her room.. we had been sorting through all her cupboards etc and no where near finished i told him he should not bring kids in to it.
i changed my facebook account settings on thursday as i have had trouble with my email account, but i have just tried logging on to his (naughty i know) to get an idea of maybe where he has gone and the password has changed haha!

Should i pick up the phone and ask where he has gone!

I wish i could find the strength to make that call and just leave but i cant, now i am crying and just feel completely drained.. I guess in a way i want him to say 'i want you to go' cause then i have no decision to make,, soooo weak!
Really scared of the unknown, how i would cope financially..
How do i find the strength to just go! 11 years is a long time!

Haven't read the thread responses so apologies if I'm repeating something here. The trouble with being with someone that is always "right" is by consequence, you are always in the "wrong". You can't win, I'm afraid as there is no arguing with them, no potential for compromise. Up to you whether you are ready to walk away though and that is only something you can decide.

He sounds just like my ex, even his parents sound like me ex's parents.

It's a horrible relationship to be in with someone like that. I hope you're able to leave and find some happiness

thanks everyone , if this was a friend i would of told her to get out by now!
his mum just rang for him, so i woke him up on the sofa and said ur mums on the phone he held out his hand as if for the mobile, i said no on the landline, he glared and told me to stop moaning and having a go!! after he laid back down i said can i we talk about this now as it affecting the kids and completely ignored me..
the little one earlier was running round after him saying 'im helping my daddy cause i love him so much' That is just not right!

well i am going to tell him that if he cant sort through his issues of being a complete wanker (maybe not in those words) and i mean proper help not just saying i will change cause that is a load of bull then on wednesday we will be gone...