How do you deal with people who have affairs at work??

[KirstyWirsty]

Maybe this should be in AIBU ??

April last year (while I was still in ignorant bliss about my STBXH?s affair) I noticed that single woman in the office who has a reputation for pursuing married men (let?s call her Jen) sitting too close to one of the married men ? let?s call him Den(with 3 kids) from the office and they left at the same time .. I thought it was a bit suspicious.. then at the Christmas party they were openly snogging.. and over the Christmas hols Den apparently gave his wife the ?I love you but I am not in love with you? speech and left her but has since gone back

Fast forward to June and the departmental night out. Jen arrived and proceeded to stalk Ken (married with two toddlers) .. she was all over him like a rash all night and he seemed to be taking it as a joke but then ended up drunk and snogging her in front of everyone .. I think he is a stupid, weak idiot but she was relentless in her pursuit.(I found it all very upsetting .. and wondered did my ?D?H and OW snog in front of all of their colleagues? Did everyone know what they were up to??)

Anyhow I find it really difficult having to deal with any of the 3 of them at work !

I do not think the men are the only ones who should held responsible as is often the mumsnet mantra ? they are all behaving terribly!

Any words of wisdom? I used to chat to all of them but just can?t bear to now

lol at them all having rhyming names :)
TBH I'd just stay out of it, and be professional and polite - sounds like someone has to be! I can understand why it would be hurtful, but most people, like you, will be judging them and thinking what idiot they're making of themselves.

Just treat them as work colleagues i.e. arms length polite, and stay out of their personal lives unless you think it's affecting their ability to do the job properly or they are behaving inappropriately in the workplace. Then you're quite entitled to make a complaint.

Does she work in your office?

I wouldn't be able to resist saying something like, "You do know X is married, don't you?"

Ignore them unless you have a real work-based reason for talking to them? I am guessing this is hitting a raw nerve with you because of what happened with your own partner, but unless you are directly involved somehow it is probably best to stay coldly polite/silently disdainful. Unless any of them directly ask your advice, in which case be honest about what prats you think they're being. My old office's equivalent of Jen - a man with a thing about straight men, just as annoying as a woman would have been but with a significantly lower risk of his targets falling for him - used to drone on at me about how he fancied such and such and wanted to do things to them, I'm sure you get the general idea. I just used to say 'I don't think his wife would go for that' on a loop, and always defend the wife in question if he started getting derogatory about her.

Imperial not only does she know - Ken's wife actually works here in a different department!

I also had a contractor in work ask me last week where are good places to go in Glasgow while he is working here (comes from London).. he was interested in pick up places (big gold ring on his finger) and told me that I always look lovely (by instant messenger) .. I was too stunned to reply but I couldn't get over how he could be so blatant!

Should point Jen in his direction - match made in heaven!

I think taking photos at an event like that would stop most in their tracks.

What's your relationship like with this woman? Could you ask her why she always makes a play for married men?

I'd have a quiet word with HR, explain what's going on and recommend they avoid hiring anyone called Len or Ben.

I would report her and latest mm anon to HR, history of affairs with mm in office, one with wife in same building. Firms don't like that sort of trouble.

@ ElizabethX.

Elizabeth

Imperial Jen is quite rough so I'm not going to ask her why she does it ... I think she should seek professional help though as I think she has ishoos

That made me LOL Elizabeth - god knows what the neighbours think :)

I used to work with someone like that, only went for blokes who already had partners...it was something to do with wanting someone who'd been "vetted" for her. "He's someone's boyfriend, so he must be boyfriend material."

Mad really because if he'll cheat on his girlfriend with her, won't he cheat on her too?? [shrug]

You should keep out of it, their private life is none of your business.

Just deal with them on a professional basis if your feel their moral stance does not meet with yours.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, the wife might actually be aware of his behaviour.

Both their wives might be aware of their behaviour?

Statistically speaking, Maisy, isn't it more likely that a wife isn't aware and wouldn't like it, rather than she'd condone her husband snogging someone at the works' party?

So if she doesn't know then the OP should take it upon herself to let her know the score? I think not.

Most wives wont know!

I didn't say that, Maisy. Upthread I said the OP could ask the woman why she always and only makes a play for married men.

It's not necessary to like the people you work with, just keep everything on a professional level.

Don't tell partners, don't tell HR, as they have loose tongues and it may rebound on you.

Unless it affects anyone's professional capabilities, it's non of your business.

Ignore it, I would say, and never ever join in any gossip. Just keep yourself above it all. These things always end messily and people will find it impressive and a relief that there is at least one person in the office who has kept out of the whole business.

Was with you up until the crap about the "mumsnet mantra".

If it is happening in the workplace and interfering with your work you have two options; put up with it or make a complaint.

I would choose complaint btw.

ElizabethX

I hate when people are too funny on Mumsnet as they make me laugh and it's obvious I'm sneaking a look at Mumsnet when pretending to work

While I think they're all behaving terribly, I'd stay well out of it. If you get involved you could find yourself being on the receiving end of some nasty behaviour. People like that don't feel shame, they'll just get defensive and transfer that into anger against you.

By all means don't feel you have to lie or cover for them though, either to HR or to their respective partners, and if you feel their behaviour is affecting their ability or others to do their job, then make a complaint.

A few of my staff make no secret of the fact that they cheat on their wives, either as one-offs on overseas business trips or as long-term affairs.

All I can do is make it clear that:

(a) I don't want to know anything about it

(b) be 100% certain that nothing is claimed on company expenses (one staff member ran up a large private bill on his company mobile which I made him pay back)

(c) keep things on a strictly professional basis.

I don't approve but they are not doing anything wrong under company policy, which is my responsibility.

what numberlock says, unless (unlikely save for in US firms) there is something express in your company HR handbook / rules about intra office affairs.
unless and until it impacts their work, you have to ignore which given your personal circs is of course difficult. Spit in her tea if you have to ;-)