Husbands innappropriate texts & emails

[gruffalo2008]

After a family event last Saturday I left early with our 4yr old & 9 week old baby, husband promised he'd come home at midnight so to help me during the night, at 2 am I get a text saying he'd gone on for a few more drinks. I was livid and called him and told him to come home so he was in a good enough state to help me the next morning with the children. Anyway big argument when he came home.

The next morning i checked his phone and found one to a member of his family saying "you looked hot today" she'd been at the event we'd all been too. I've always been suspicious of their relationship and not happy about how often she texted him etc. I went ballistic on reading the text and my husband lied to my face and said someone else sent it as a joke, it was only later I knew he was lying as his phone is password protected, he then confessed he had sent it, but he was trying to make her feel better as she's having a rubbish time and the family business has gone bust and she's lost her home.

Anyway I have since found some emails in which she emailed him and he's given her advise about what to do about the business and losing her home etc, and then some more personal ones, in one she asks if he's seen her new Facebook picture to which he replies " yes at first I thought you were naked, then I looked at it properly and realised you weren't" followed by a sad face. Later they talk about how he's spending the night in a hotel and he says he's lonely on his own, and she says something along lines of it would be fun if I came and joined you and had cocktails and he replies "I don't think I could trust myself with you after a few drinks!"

I am beyond devestated, I don't know what to do. We've had a long chat, Ive cried a lot, my husband has admitted it was flirting and says that he would never do anything with her, he admits he's crossed the line, is devestated himself, and said he will do anything to make things better, even go to Relate. I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel a fool, being at the family event with her, and her knowing my husband has said these things to her just weeks after I've had a baby (somehow this makes it feel worse) My husband has sworn on our children's lives that nothing physical has happened.

Where do I go from here? I don't know whether to believe him? How to trust him? I don't want my children losing their stable home over some stupid comments but should I trust him? Do you think going to Relate would help?

Thanks for any advise

X

Have just had a thought lying in bed crying, that there must be more too it than he is letting on, you don't just start saying things like that without there being some build up. Am I right? Something must have happened before to make it ok for him to say those things to her????

Yes am still awake, just lying here crying & feeling sick to the pit of my stomach :(

Well, it would be a bit odd to just randomly start flirting with your ten year younger cousin.

Is it possible that she started flirting eith him when she was 18,19,20 and wanting to be all 'grown up' and he was lured in? Not saying this would make it any 'better' but its plausible and imo, more plausible than say a 35 yo man randomly starting to flirt with his 25yo cousin.

You need to do some snooping.

I've got access to his phone records as the phone is in my name, i.m going to log on now and look back over the past year to see how often they've texted each other.

If its more than he texts you, you have reason to be royally pissed off.

If he was texting and ringing around the time you gave birth....well.....words couldnt do it justice.

Has he been texting/e mailing before the family do last Sat?

Basically have been through records for past 4 months, not a single phone call. Very few texts, a couple of texts just before our daughter was born, one on the day she was born but looks like it was sent at same time as loads of others as all have same time sent. Then a few a couple of days before he spent the night in the hotel, which was when she found out her family business had gone bust and she was losing her house. Then just one text the night of the family event, when he must of told her she looked hot that day !!!! Not a single one since. I've looked right up to and including today.

Not sure what to think.

Sorry what I meant about the text on the day she was born is that it looks like it was the announcement of her birth which he sent to her and all our family and friends

It might be that she's been coming on to him a bit strong, maybe because she feels vulnerable with so much shit happening. But he's a thousand kinds of wrong to have responded, and to have persistently lied to you. Now you can't believe anything he says! That's so damaging :(

You've only found a few texts from him to her, but what about this in your OP? I've always been suspicious of their relationship and not happy about how often she texted him etc. Has she been texting him loads and he doesn't reply? Seems weird. Maybe he emailed/IMd/tweeted/facebooked back? Which would make it kind of worse, as it implies secrecy, but then it's also odd not to reply at all.

I'm afraid I think there is something going on. His text to her from the hotel would be so desperately out of order if there wasn't already a bit of a background between them, iyswim. And there's the not coming home from the event at which she looked hot, after you and DC had already left. This stinks. I really feel for you.

As to what to do? You're in a very tired and emotional state; I don't know how you'd cope with playing games in order to find out more info. It might be best to kick him out for a bit while you gather your thoughts and snoop. Have you got lots of friends nearby who can come round and let you soak their shoulders? You need to have some self-care plans in place.

I am so cross with him! He seems sorely lacking in the honesty, respect, common sense and decency departments. My cousins are breathtakingly gorgeous, but I don't actually fancy them - I so would, but you don't go there, do you? I'm so sorry your H is such a nit.

Hope you're getting some rest.

I'm sorry gruff I had to sleep.

"He's said it was just flirting and has said it wouldn't ever lead to anything because of the consequences on the immediate & wider family."

No mention of betraying you of the smashing of his wedding vows? Unless by immediate family he meant you but I took that to mean his parent and siblings.

Oh gruff, I'm so sorry. I'm angry with him too, garlic and I don't even know him.

You definitely shouldn't move out, not with two children to consider. Where could you go that could comfortably cater for a tiny baby and 4 year old. Not fair to disrupt the little ones. Good idea to send him to his parent's house. Let him explain his harmless flirting.

I'm afraid gruff I agree, one doesn't go from "remember when auntie blah blah fell over ha ha" to "I wish you were naked in that picture (sad face)" in one jump. What I mean is innocuous family banter to pretty blatant flirtation without any preamble.

You are his wife, you made vows together, you've got a tiny baby. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

Once more, gruff...you are NOT stupid, NOT an idiot. NOT.

Oh Gruffalo poor you.Its irrelevant that she's his cousin.Its a woman he's made inappropriate comments to and from the emails and her vulnerable state ie. losing her business ( no excuse) she had lapped it up.Its good that the phone records don't show too many texts but this needs sorting now seriously,and issues of his boundaries addressing.
You have a 9 week old baby ffs!I'dbeen married nearly 30 years and my DCs young adults when I had the shock of finding out about secret texting/ sexting and flirting.There's a very recent thread After Infidelity is anyone still with their partners for those of us still together but who struggled with the aftermath.This is still infidelity,even if caught early and no physical contact.But that may too much to take in st that mo.Have you a RL person to confide in and get support from immediately?
With such a young baby you need space,help and rest if you can get it.Make him absolutely sweat and then decide if Relate is for you.It helped us ,sort of ,if only because my DH suggested it and that showed me he was serious about making amends.
So sorry.He's a monumental fool.x

Gruff I am new to this board too, and am going through the same shock as you. Personally I find it irrelevant who the ow is, the fact to me is you have found proof between the 2 of them that there has been some flirting. It isn't your fault. It doesn't mean the end of your marriage, you can get through this. Have you a close friend you can confide in?

I opened up yesterday to a good friend and though she can't tell what to do, it's just so reassuring to Have someone hold my hand and give me a hug afterwards. I know she will help me through, what ever way I choose to go.

I havnt asked my husband to move out, we have a spare room so he is sleeping in there for now. It means we can both think at bedtime, I am getting stronger, I didn't cry last night.

Can your dh email her or ring her while you are with him, and him tell her no more. I think the evidence you have proves that you have caught it early, he is going to have to give you complete space to clear your head, take time, make it clear to him that you need to mend. Can he go to his parents for a bit, you don't have to tell them why.

Thinking of you. ((((hugs)))))))))

Oh you poor thing. I think I could understand if text volume went up if she was having a hard time in life. But why would a male relative show his support/bolster her self esteem by making highly sexualised comments? He could have just as easily said "call me if you ever need to talk" or "you looked really well today" even if she had been co
Ing on to him. Not "you look hot" and "I want to see you naked". If anything that is taking advantage of someone with vulnerable/ with low self esteem and very inappropriate. I hope you have managed to get some sleep op and have some support in rl.

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. Only you can know the dynamics of your and their family relationships. If it isn't normal for him to say these things and be flirtatious with other people then it would seem odd.

However (I know i am going to get flamed for this), for me, if my DP told a female friend they looked hot, i probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. If i saw a text saying it i might say 'oi you cheeky fucker, don't do that' and then take the piss out of him for being a loser.

If it is really only those 2 comments I do not agree with others that it was definitely building up to something. I also make comments like this to my male friends and do 'flirt' with family members safe in the knowledge that none of us are taking it remotely seriously.

I also don't agree that flirting is bad. Obviously there are lines where each couple must draw. But, i like the thought of others quite fancying my DP and he likes me being admired too. Flirting can be harmless - to the poster who said what's the point? Well, it makes you feel desired and as long as it is not taken seriously, can be good for relationships all round.

Anyway, I feel very sad that people betray each other and are disloyal and disrespectful (for me the lying is the worst and i would be livid about that more than anything else tbh). But i think on these threads it can be escalated to worse than it is.

As i said, only you know how bad it really is, but maybe with the evidence of only 2 comments it isn't as bad as others may think. This is of course just my opinion and a slightly different perspective for you than you have had, just if you want it.

I hope you feel better OP.

My STBXH flirted on Facebook with his best mates wife then texted her over 100 times a day including right through our family holiday, my 40th and other special family times. He was also emailing her every day from a secret email account.

They both insist that nothing is going on and his best mate seems oblivious.

When that line is crossed between friends and flirtation, it is definitely wrong.......

Just to put the record straight... my brother has been v happily married to our cousin for over 30 years and they have two lovely girls with no problems.

OK so you have established that there is not a long history of texting/messages. It may well be that this is a recent thing. Sadly there is a pattern, on MN at least, of men starting to wander/flirt/look elsewhere when there is a new baby on the scene.

So for you. I disagree with Spuddy - this doesn't sound like an offhand comment to take lightly, especially as she is replying in kind. It is up to him now to make all the moves. Couples can come back from something like this, but only if he is prepared to move heaven and earth to convince you that he wants to be with you and his family, that his life is now about being a committed loving daddy to his children and an attentive and loving husband to you. Relate could definitely help to put things in perspective, if you want to carry on.

To me, it just sounds like someone else said - behaving like an idiot, stupid ego, not thinking. I doubt v. much anything went on, as indeed you found out. He does sound genuinely regretful, and its good he wants to go to Relate. Its up to you how you handle it from now, OP.

Spuddy, it's not the words so much as the contexts. When you're alone in a hotel room at night, do you tell your wife about it or your distressed cousin? (And then go on to imply you want to shag her?) He's been crossing boundaries and lying to his wife. That's not harmless :(

Sorry - not sure how i missed the bit about 'not being able to trust myself' in a hotel room after a few drinks

Yes, Garlic, that has defo crossed the line!

My comments were more to other posters who say flirting is unacceptable in all circs. There is harmless banter (like i sent a pic of my 35 wk pg bump to a male mate and he replied 'cor you look lovely'. I'm sure he was just being nice because i didn't and i showed DP). And there is sex talk - which i personally don't consider in the same category as 'flirting' at all. So in this case the DH is in the latter category. The 'you looked hot' taken on it's own however, would not be an issue for me and DP, but in the context of the 'hotel room' comment I would be angry.

She sounds like she is instigating it but he is being flattered and letting his cock ego run away with him. He does seem contrite. It is tragic how many times this happens around a new baby. pathetic really.

I hope you are okay OP.

Sending a photo to a bloke of your pregnancy seems weird to me and getting a "cor" by reply, or you look hot, etc. sounds tacky.

Oh well, that's nice of you to say Jane! You sound very uptight.

The friend is one i've had since primary school and we live far apart, he hasn't seen me since i got pregnant so was wondering how big i'd got. i took a pic in the mirror (clothed of course) and his normal cockney response was the way he talks. That's why it's harmless. But as i said before, only the people in the situation know the dynamics. Some people don't have opposite gender friends and others do. Incidentally i get the same response from female friends - a 'phwoar, i'd still shag you' type joke. Which is obviously a jokey way of them saying i still look nice despite being huge

If your mum is your best friend, talk to her - bet she'll know what to do! At this time you need looking after.

Spuddy you didn't have to explain yourself to Jane.

Ha! I know Devastated, i just thought it proved my point about different boundaries and dynamics, in which this is normal, but others where it isn't.