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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands innappropriate texts & emails

86 replies

gruffalo2008 · 25/07/2012 23:34

After a family event last Saturday I left early with our 4yr old & 9 week old baby, husband promised he'd come home at midnight so to help me during the night, at 2 am I get a text saying he'd gone on for a few more drinks. I was livid and called him and told him to come home so he was in a good enough state to help me the next morning with the children. Anyway big argument when he came home.

The next morning i checked his phone and found one to a member of his family saying "you looked hot today" she'd been at the event we'd all been too. I've always been suspicious of their relationship and not happy about how often she texted him etc. I went ballistic on reading the text and my husband lied to my face and said someone else sent it as a joke, it was only later I knew he was lying as his phone is password protected, he then confessed he had sent it, but he was trying to make her feel better as she's having a rubbish time and the family business has gone bust and she's lost her home.

Anyway I have since found some emails in which she emailed him and he's given her advise about what to do about the business and losing her home etc, and then some more personal ones, in one she asks if he's seen her new Facebook picture to which he replies " yes at first I thought you were naked, then I looked at it properly and realised you weren't" followed by a sad face. Later they talk about how he's spending the night in a hotel and he says he's lonely on his own, and she says something along lines of it would be fun if I came and joined you and had cocktails and he replies "I don't think I could trust myself with you after a few drinks!"

I am beyond devestated, I don't know what to do. We've had a long chat, Ive cried a lot, my husband has admitted it was flirting and says that he would never do anything with her, he admits he's crossed the line, is devestated himself, and said he will do anything to make things better, even go to Relate. I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel a fool, being at the family event with her, and her knowing my husband has said these things to her just weeks after I've had a baby (somehow this makes it feel worse) My husband has sworn on our children's lives that nothing physical has happened.

Where do I go from here? I don't know whether to believe him? How to trust him? I don't want my children losing their stable home over some stupid comments but should I trust him? Do you think going to Relate would help?

Thanks for any advise

X

OP posts:
gruffalo2008 · 26/07/2012 00:36

He's said it was just flirting and has said it wouldn't ever lead to anything because of the consequences on the immediate & wider family. Even tried to make out he wasn't even attracted to her. He must think I'm an idiot :(

OP posts:
doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:40

I hate to say it but I dont believe him Sad.

What's the point in flirting if it isn't going to lead anywhere?

And I find it hard to think that someone could flirt with a person they find unattractive Hmm.

If he was a decent bloke then he wouldn't even be flirting with other women, let alone his cousin.

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 26/07/2012 00:41

It must be quite a powerful attraction to cross boundaries like that. If I found one of dp's friends was cute I might mention it and wind dp up about it in a jokey way, but I wouldn't come back from a family gathering and say phwoar my cousin is hot! And I'm not that close to all my cousins. Regardless, I would still feel betrayed if my dp was sending texts like that to anyone. Sad

gruffalo2008 · 26/07/2012 00:44

What would you all do in this situation ? Should I maybe ask him to move out for a few days/ weeks ?

OP posts:
SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 26/07/2012 00:44

And you say there is a 10 year age gap? So he is 10 years older? If that's the case somehow that's even worse as he would have known her as a little girl.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:44

If it's all harmless, then he wont mind you mentioning it to his Mum or Dad (whoever is related to the cousin), in a jokey way of course.

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/07/2012 00:45

You saw the text - he said it was someone playing a prank.

You pointed out about password - he THEN admitted it but said it was just to cheer her up

You then find email evidence of flirting - he SAYS he would never do anything with her.

But he also said someone else must have sent that text.

Is he in the habit of lying until he is proven otherwise? Im sorry, I know you have just had a baby, and they MAY just have flirted, but its the lying about it when confronted that would get me most.

I wouldnt believe anything they said again.

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 26/07/2012 00:45

Only you can decide that. But you clearly do not accept that this behaviour is ok and it has obviously upset you. Do you think you could get past this? Maybe you do need some space to think.

gruffalo2008 · 26/07/2012 00:46

Yes he is older.

He pleaded with me not to tell his Dad, he knows what they would think. Do you think I should turn to my in laws for help?

OP posts:
doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:46

What would I do ??????

For a start i wouldn't let it drop and would probably rage at him in between crying bouts.

I would want him to contact the cousin while I was listening and tell her what a knob he's been and he will never be in contact again.

gruffalo2008 · 26/07/2012 00:48

He has said he will email her and say he's been an idiot and inappropriate and they shouldn't have contact. Maybe I should insist on him doing that and seeing the email and her response.

OP posts:
SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 26/07/2012 00:49

How close are you? If you genuinely think it would help then yes, but if you are just doing it to "out" him because you are disturbed by the situation, then perhaps you should establish the facts first and work out what you want to do as it could open a whole can of worms. Is there noone impartial in rl you could talk to?

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/07/2012 00:49

I would need yo see everything. The phone, the lists of calls and texts sent, the emails. Everything.

I would talk and cry and talk more and get angry and talk and cry. Then I would ask him to leave for a night and do some thinking.

I fear that I would actually begin to hate my DH if I found evidence of flirting / cheating around the time of the birth of our newborn. I truly think its despicable.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:50

I agree with Gnocchi it's the lies that would do me in.

How dare he betray you and then have the audacity to think that you are stupid. Just adds insult to injury.

gruffalo2008 · 26/07/2012 00:51

I'm just so embarrassed and feel so devestated to having to admit my husband would do something like this to me, especially when I'm so vulnerable.

I think tomorrow I'm going to ask him to send that email, and move out for a while or I'll move out and will swallow my pride and talk to a friend I can trust.

OP posts:
doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:53

I would ask him to move in with his father for a couple of nights and then leave him to explain why.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 00:55

I would also rather he spoke to the cousin on speaker phone, so I could hear exactly what was being said. Dont give him any warning of this so they cant get their story straight.

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/07/2012 00:55

You have nothing to be embarassed about at all. Please do not allow this shit that he has dumped on you become your weight to bear.

If you feel like you will want to stay with him that is up to you, and is fine, but please, please, if you need this to be over, do not stay with him out of any sort of 'duty' or to save face.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 01:01

I phoned the 'other woman' myself. I found out more than I wanted to though.
All I said was 'Hi it's Mr Doin's wife'. Her reply was 'OMG I'm so sorry...he made me come to your house....I knew it was wrong.... I'm so sorry'

To which I replied ' What are you on about...I only phoned for a hair appt'

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/07/2012 01:02

Shock doin

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 01:04

I just cant stand the wimpishness of these men.
They're all full of themselves, flirting, acting the big I Am.

But when they're rumbled out come all the lies.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 01:10

I knew something was going on . But didn't realise my (ex)H had brought her to our house Angry

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/07/2012 01:12

That must be like an extra sting on top of the cheating. Your house....your bed.... I would be fucking livid.

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 01:21

An understatement Gnocchi

doinmummy · 26/07/2012 01:22

Are you still up Gruff ?
I hope you are Ok.

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