living with a time bomb, how do you know when to go?

[blossomgirl]

Oh boy back again. Things have hit an all time low with dp, he was home all week last week and the rows have disolved into a formal unkind sort of robot way of dealing with each other.

I just wish i knew it would be better to go than stay, but i don't know. DS is 18mnths and it doesnt feel like my right to take his dad away, but I'm begining to dred him being around.

I've posted before about the financial abuse dp puts us through with his over-spending. If I look back this has led to our steady decline, always running to stand still. Things have hit a new low this week, I feel constantly bullied and am finding myself slipping into resignation that things will always be like this and I cant belive it.

Please does anyone know of a way out of a trap like this? thanks

have you been through relate ?

Poor you bh

It is very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're in that situation. I'd suggest making an appointment with Relate - you can go on your own, and it may help to clarify matters. If dp wants to go too that could be a good move ... ?

You've probably gone through these ideas already, so sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs

I would also suggest Relate to talk this through with someone impartial.

If you did decide to leave you need to find out exactly where you stand in a legal sense.

You don't have to take his dad away from him - he could still have contact with his son even if you ended up having to legally formalise all arrangements with him for same.

Re your son I would say it is better to be apart and happy rather than have two parents (his two primary influences regarding relationships) who are tearing each other apart. Seeing all this around him, if there is no change to your situation, will do your son no favours at all in the longer term. He may well one day ask you why on earth you stayed and put up with DP for so long.

How do you want things to change?.

Do you feel this relationship has completely run its course?

Do you think he fully acknowledges his part in the relationship problems?

Is there the will on both sides to sit down properly with you and sort out the underlying issues in your relationship that are causing all this conflict?.

I wish you well.

sorry the phone rang, been dying to get back.

Yes it is time for outside help, we can not afford relate even remotely though. I found a christian charity that can offer councelling, but it is only for me and i go on weds for the first time. (possibly why feeling so desperate today?) I have a hope that dp will soften and agree to go in the future, but im not optermistic.

Sad thing is we have the potential to be brilliant dp and I, but blow after blow of disappointment takes its toll and the faith it lost.

Thanks for the posts of support, its just what I needed today, the mnet effect thanks

Re your reluctance to take your son away - it struck me immediately how unhappy you are and this may impact upon your son or how your are living and interacting with him. I think sometimes parents have to make decisions that involve weighing up the costs and benefits that are not always clear cut. Essentially is staying with DP doing more harm than good for both of you (happy mummy happy child).

Does the overspending affect the practical aspects of looking after your son? Is he a good dad?

IMHO based on just this thread and not knowing the history, I think you may know that this situation is no good but lack the confidence to split for good. Sorry if this sounds harsh i know its not all black and white - like I said I don't know if you have tried relationship counselling or have support from other family members.

I agree with Meerkat having read thru properly re being apart and having two happy parents (this is the view I take of my parents divorce)

blossomgirl

You can pay relate on a sliding sacle if you can't afford it.

phone them and ask

vstt

Relate do have sliding scales of fees; they would never turn anyone away due to finances.

Do consider contacting them - you need to talk this all through with someone impartial.

If your DP does refuse to go anyway then go there on your own.

blossom girl i'm in exactly the same situation as you. dp won't get rid of certain luxuries because "he likes them" though we can manage without. he walked out today, i din't have a clue where he was going or when/if he'd be back and something just snapped. please go to relate on wens, but don't be like me and stay til the bitter end and lose your self-respect. we have a dd and the atmosphere is so unfair on her but dp can't see it. will be thinking of you wens and hope it goes ok for you (((((hugs))))

oh no, its just started coming apart at the seams. Maybe I am facing the truth, but its bloody hard. The angst is so familiar i dont feel like anything abnormal is actually happening, its so difficult why is there no path out of here?

dp came home for coffee and clearly to push for answers to why ive been quiet. it was more of the same. he said if its over he's leaving the city. I called him a coward, and saw something in me i did not like.

God i wish i had somewhere to go. Im not good at being real, just want to blub it all out but wont turn to anyone incase they dont like it. There is only his grown up children here anyway, I feel such a fool and so wrong.

Sorry, i'd never normaly post this, im just feeling so lost.

that's ok, you don't have to apologise for feeling this way. i understand how you feel, you have that many bad days -it starts to feel normal doesn't it? i had to leave someone quite a while ago and it bloody well did hurt for a while. the thing is blossom, it will hurt but on wens ask them if they can refer you to somewhere that will help you 2leave and get you settled in a new place you don't have to follow their advice there and then but it might help you feel that bit more stronger knowing there is osme sort of plan you can follow if you do have2go X i will be thinking of you ((((((((hugs))))))
am going to see my bro 2moro but plese still post and i will try and ansa X

thanks fransmum. yes its not going to be easy. i had not thought of asking for help at councelling so directly. Roll on peace and quiet however long it takes.

im sorry you know about these feeling too. do keep in touch x blossom

of course i will x i don't know if they will be able to help you that way but it's worth asking. my mom used to say if you don't ask you won't get. so it's worth asking imo. what time you going?

Sweetheart. Lif is so short. dont go through it being unhappy with a complete shit. Think of all the men out there to have loads of fun with. Dont mope over a waste of time doll.

Hi just been reading the last posts, i wish such courage could posses me. Took me twenty minutes in the pooring rain in tears yesterday to pluck up the courage to go into my first councelling session. "Cant find anywhere to lock up my bike so have to go home" i told the reception. turned around at the bottom of the drive and went in. Councellor was so so nice about it

And now almost by the second im becoming more resolute to leave, just want to be sure it is right. Did find enough courage to confess to my mum i was in trouble and she is lending me the money for us (dp and I) to go to councelling together starting one eve next week. Last ditch attempt really, at the moment rehersing / deciding where to begin... which is leading to I want out feelings cause im not finding alot of positives to hold on to.

Dp is being nicer, we are both trying. its a wierd sort of acting type feeling, as im cussing his boots in my head. (do i want a glass of wine? you *** we just got a summons for the council tax... etc).

Gawd who's life is this im decribing!!

Thanks Fransmum for them hugs.
How are you?

This is a good step forward Blossom - well done. I know you don't need telling but deal with that bill been there myself ring them up straight away offer what you can even v small amount and stick to it don;t let them bully you into paying mora then you can afford. Then you can concetrate on your next session. HTH

hi i'm not too bad today thanx. i went up to mids for few days (about4 i think) to help bro move. when i came back, he met me at station with dd. went for walk down by beach, then when we came home, i had a letter from council that got me stressed, plus work haven't paid me overtime they put it in as holiday time -when i was working how silly is that?!

i'm glad you went to counselling blossom, it is hard the first couple of times you go but as you feel able to open up it gets easier, because you realise that actually somebody is listening to you and not judging you from their own agenda-viewpoint. (((((hugs))))))

i don't think that post worked. some of it was meant to be in italics but it wasn't!

oh 'eck!!!

You sound just like me afew months ago. Haven't read all through this thread, but you can't plan to go in my opinion, you just know when it's right. I understand he's the father to your child but doesn't mean you have to stick around and be abused. What's that saying a happy mum is a happy child and it's right my kids are so much happier now than when me and my ex were together. Obviously everyones different and ultimately it's your decision, hope it all works out whichever you decide. Be strong and put yourself first for a change. Are you happy?? deep down are you happy?? Can you forsee a change at all? my ex financially stupid to the degree he didn't pay mortgage and spend all money on cd's and dvd's and at work and i had to keep asking my dad for money for food for kids, i thought in my head, ' what the hell am i doing?' 'I can't do this anymore and the next week i left and have never gone back. sorry to rant on, but good luck.xx

hi thanks for your posts guys. tinyFox it did not sound like a rant to me, more like a post i wondered i might send if I found the balls to go

Been wondering about you Fransmum. Yeah know that feeling..getting stressed when the post arrives. Thanks for the encouragement with the councelling, i'm going to give it my best shot. Nothing more to loose? Off to couple councelling for the first itme tomorrow (thaks mum), and for my second session alone on Weds. Feels a bit uncomfortable, but like you say I guess you can get more comforatable with opening up.

Hardest thing is seeing how dear dp is with ds, whilst thinking of you don't wake up Mr we are gone. Know what I mean?

Anyway hope youre alright, big

thankx blossom x

that's how i've been trying to describe the way i feel sometimes - about dp's waking up before it's too late. i had wardbrobe delivered for fran today, the only thing was it's a fairly big one and flatpack! omg there were so many pieces but you know what? i bloody well did it. i asked dp to look after lo, and i did it. i was so proud of myself. huuggge and i even gave myself a pat on the back for first time in ages (last time i can definitely remember was when i gave birth!) though there were times in between. he picked up on the damaged bit. took the gloss right off it. it took him about hour and half for him to say well done, kind of thing. what a slow coach. then i found a place where i left a screw out - no wonder the drawers wouldn't fit properly!
also been planning dd's 1st. he's now decided he doesn't want a party, but he just being anti-social imo. i want her to be able to look at photo's later on - i don't know why, i can't explain properly.

anyhow.
i'm glad you going to counselling again bloss.X

hi just wanted to say to blossom good luck for tomorrow ((((hugs))))

Hiya Fransmom thanks for that ((((((((hug))))))))

Ready for tom, determined to get through the morning rush without last weeeks drama. Inside my head though it is scaring me how far away from the truth it is possible to live ones own life. I'm only realising now how many eons away from where i would like to be it is that i am now!

Well as for tackling a flat pack wardrobe, you deserve a bloody medal. (lots of clapping from me)

Whens the birthday?
x blossom

best wishes for tomorrow hope you get a lot out of it.