living with a time bomb, how do you know when to go?

[blossomgirl]

Oh boy back again. Things have hit an all time low with dp, he was home all week last week and the rows have disolved into a formal unkind sort of robot way of dealing with each other.

I just wish i knew it would be better to go than stay, but i don't know. DS is 18mnths and it doesnt feel like my right to take his dad away, but I'm begining to dred him being around.

I've posted before about the financial abuse dp puts us through with his over-spending. If I look back this has led to our steady decline, always running to stand still. Things have hit a new low this week, I feel constantly bullied and am finding myself slipping into resignation that things will always be like this and I cant belive it.

Please does anyone know of a way out of a trap like this? thanks

lol it's pinned on my blazer
26th april. she nearly one already but we have lovely chats at the moment, tho i love watching her grow up
just bagging up soem of her old clothes there's loads - i think they've been breeding in the wardrobe behind my back!!!!

hi blossom, hope you got on ok today. ((((hugs))))

Hi out there. Just wanted to share that the councelling has openend up a bit of a can of worms and i'm quite shocked at how hard this is going to be to sort out. I want to run away!!!!!

Fransmom you have the same beasty in your dd's wardrobe as lives under our stairs! Roll on Spring and a good sort out. One year old in another month, its a shocker eh? I hope you find a way to celebrate that fits for you all. x blossom

hi blossom. how's u today? the thing with a can of worms is that once they've been sorted out into littlies and biggies , you can tackle whichever ones you feel comfortable with first (the littlies) [why on earth couldn't i have thought of a better word? ]. and then with time and, you will feel more stronger, you can tackle the bigger ones. then there will come a time when the can of worms that was once so full to bursting, you can actually see the bottom of the can and realise that you've turned a corner and are on your way off rock bottom.
(((((hugs))))) hth

If your thinking about leaving is it because you want to leave or you want an excuse to stay? Your DS will be better off with without the drama to be perfectly honest, but have you the strength as a single mum to put him and his stability first before your desire to get another partner? There's the rub..

That sounds a bit cold Blossom and I dont' mean it too. Good luck x

blossom?

Blossomgirl sorry. im not a night owl.

hello. Those were nice messages. My mum is visiting so im flying in and out to say im here and thinking of you. There is progress with the worms fransmom, and monkey trousers you didn't sound harsh atall. x blossom

i in and out today 2 sorry. dd was meant to go to minder's today but she not very well. must be something in the air, dd got touch of reflux again. speak soon x ps hope you had/have nice visit from your mom (((((hugs)))))

Hi Blossomgirl and others - just wanted to say good luck to you all - I posted on feeling depressed about my ridiculous relationship but am no where near to leaving - good luck girls xxx

Hi Blossomgirl and others - just wanted to say good luck to you all - I posted on feeling depressed about my ridiculous relationship but am no where near to leaving - good luck girls xxx

Hi Blossomgirl and others - just wanted to say good luck to you all - I posted on feeling depressed about my ridiculous relationship but am no where near to leaving - good luck girls xxx

how you doing today? ((((hugs))))

blossomgirl, not heard from you for a while, please let us know how you are doing (((((hugs)))))

My ex dp (who still claims that he loves and me and wants me back) was very controlling, argumentative, and, as you say, like a 'time bomb'. Do you feel like you're tip-toeing around him all the time, trying not to upset him? Has he ever hit you or otherwise physically intimidated you?
If so, I would say it's time to leave. I left my dp bang on dd's 2nd birthday (after huge fight about her birthday party that culiminated in him smacking my face). He's very ashamed of all of this now, but 12 months down the track, I still feel like I don't trust him enough to go back, although I do forgive him for the abuse, which took place in the context of an ongoing problem he has with depression and his appalling childhood.
Yes, it is a huge thing to take someone's child away. And as young as your son is, his dad would still be entitled to access visits (I'm not sure whether he would have to go overnight or not at this point: I know that where I am - in Australia - the standard access arrangement for a child 2+ is one night a week at Dad's place, and I have agreed to this although I'm not very comfortable with it, mainly in order to avoid legal battle and antagonising my ex.)
First thing I did when I left was to stay with my mother. That didn't work out very well, so after a few weeks I contacted a women's shelter and they put me into rent-subsidised accomodation of my own for six months. I was financially destitute at the time (and continue to live hand to mouth, since my ex only pays child support when he feels like it...but I don't want to get too bitter!). After six months I left women's shelter and was about to move into private rental, when mum suggested that I live in her vacant flat and pay her a modified rent rate. So that's where I am now (and rather desperate to get out: bringing up a toddler in an urban high-rise block of flats is not ideal).
I guess you may not be lucky enough to have a parent who conveniently owns a vacant flat, but you could investigate the women's shelter thing. Women's shelters often have short term private accomodation for women who would prefer not to live in actual shelter. According to the staff of the shelter I dealt with a lot of women actually prefer to live at the shelter because their ex-ps are stalking or intimidating them and they are frightened. I don't think that I would have gone to live in the shelter: I was simply lucky that they had their rent-subsidised place empty at the time I called them.
Of course, you may not be as destitute as me! From the emotional-psychological point of view, I must say I have been so much happier since I left my ex. I would say that it's definitely easier bringing up a child alone than having to deal with an abusive or unsupporting partner who bullies and intimidates you. I feel bad for my dd sometimes, however, as she is a little shy of her father (after all, she only sees him once a week) and doesn't always want to go to his place overnight. This is where the guilt comes in, I suppose: should you stay 'for the sake of the child'? I would say not, if you are desperately unhappy. You are not doing your child any favours by remaining in a rotten relationship. Children are happiest when Mum is happy too, I think. There is the question of separation during access visits, which can be traumatic for both Mum and baby, but assuming that you husband is not physically or otherwise abusive towards your son, you would find that your little boy would adjust and accept the situation eventually. My dd seems to have done so. Although I must say that I find it incredible that my ex is legally entitled to overnight access when he has demonstrated himself to be a violent person. However, it seems he loves our child and doesn'abuse her (it's just me he's got the negative fixation on!) so I feel she does have a right to know him and vice-versa.
Anyway, good luck: hope my telling my story helps!

hi caththerese1973, i'm glad you had the courage to leave. i know from what you said that the situation you're in at the moment isn't ideal, please take heart in that it is much better than where you were. ((((((hugs)))))))

sorry, i not very eloquent today. hope it helped x