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Original poster

Ex-h and child contact

33 replies

IJustWantPeace · 24/07/2012 23:42

Namechanged for this as I am on some other threads and don't want this appearing in my history.

I divorced my ex 4 years ago. It was my choice. He was controlling, violent, abusive and didn't help with the children. He has never accepted the divorce. He has gone from living in a rented house to having to live with his parents as his mental health is not good. He has been an in-patient at the Mental Health Unit and has been forcibly restrained by the police on occasion. I don't know the exact diagnosis of what he has as he won't tell me, nor will his family.

There is a Court Order that he can see the DCs twice a week - this was put in place at the time of the divorce before he had a breakdown. For the past 2 years, he has not followed that. He saw them maybe 8 times last year.

This year, he is back on the scene. Pushing to see them every week. I said we needed to build it back up gradually so I agreed to every other week.

Today the police call to my house to say my ex-h has been missing since last night and due to his mental health history they need to speak to me. (He has since turned up safe and well btw).

But...he is meant to be seeing the children (3 between ages of 6-8) on Sunday. Do I let them go?

I will leave it at that for now. Any advice? Questions? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 24/07/2012 23:50

In view of the police involvment I would say contact your solicitor. You have proof that his mental state is currently unbalanced, and I am sure that a court would be able to put some sort of temporary hold in place, or request that contact be supervised only for the time being.

His parents should not be withholding information from you that could have an effect on their grandchildren either.

tribpot · 24/07/2012 23:50

Can anyone supervise the contact, OP? I really don't think you can let them go to him unsupervised under the circs, either for their sake or his.

MissPricklePants · 24/07/2012 23:51

I agree with what has been said. Contact your solicitor and I think it should be supervised for the time being.

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 24/07/2012 23:53

Thanks for the reply squeaky. I guess you are telling me what I already feel I should do but I worry that me with-holding the access to the children will send him over the edge iyswim?

He is going to go ballistic one day.

I've looked into supervised contact. My Social Worker said there is no chance unless he is involved in drugs or something similar. I asked his father to supervise the visits and he refused as he believes his son can do no wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 24/07/2012 23:53

x-posted re supervised access

OP posts:
MissPricklePants · 24/07/2012 23:56

You are not with holding contact but offering an alternative until the issues are resolved.

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 24/07/2012 23:58

I know I need to cut access for now. I just can't deal with the battle on top of everything else but I know it is only a matter of time before he loses it big time.

The policeman asked me if there had been DV. I said yes. He said why didn't I report it? I said I thought it was normal Sad

He asked if he'd ever been violent to the children. I said no, but I feared for their safety. He said whether to allow access on Sunday was my call.

I'm just so desperately sad and a little scared.

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Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 00:00

MissPrickle. Supervised access is not an option, even if it was an alternative it would be refused by him and his father. The Social Workers can't help.

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Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 00:02

I do appreciate anyones thoughts or suggestions. I simply can't think of a way forward right now apart from saying he can't see the DCs this week and then going to see my Solicitor.

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MissPricklePants · 25/07/2012 00:05

Its your solicitor that can point you in the direction of a contact centre for supervised contact. Can you email ex and say that due to recent events the contact on Sunday will not go ahead but you will speak to a solicitor to find a more appropriate alternative?? Could you supervise?? I had to do that (nobody else available) and my ex is/was abusive.

solidgoldbrass · 25/07/2012 00:06

That's your way forward. There is clear evidence of this dickhead's disturbed mental state. Refuse all contact until you have had an independent medical report that he is safe, stick it out for supervised contact in a contact centre. Amass as much evidence of his violence and irrational behaviour as possible, talk to your GP, your solicitor and Women's Aid. It;s fine to stop contact when circumstances have changed so dramatically for the worse; pity he didn't manage to throw himself in a river and get out of your hair, though.
And bear in mind that you can stall, and stall, and stall and insist on all sorts; a man this unstable won't be able to pretend he's reasonable for very long. Best of luck.

solidgoldbrass · 25/07/2012 00:08

Your Socialworker's full of shit. things have changed since the initial contact agreement was made so it's fine to insist on it being renegotiated and to put a stop to it until a proper new arrangement can be made.

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 00:08

I didn't realise that about the solicitor and supervised contact. I will ring her tomorrow.

I can't supervise, nor can my family. He is a nasty and violent man. I don't even do the child handovers. He scares me that much. He started ringing me 2 weeks ago, goading me about stuff. He is sick.

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Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 00:09

x-posted SGB, give me a min...

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Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 00:14

Can I really insist on a medical report? He loves to sling mud, so I'm reluctant to do that. When he was at his worst and we were married, I developed a drink problem (recovered now I have him out of my life thankfully). He loves to taunt me about it. His 'sins' outweigh my 'sins' though imho. I am a good mother. Everybody tells me so.

I have no evidence of his violence as I was so ashamed and never reported it. The only person that can back me up is my sister as I went to her house when he tried to strangle me once.

I am so aware this all sounds bizarre and troll like but it is all true. I'm desperate. I can't even sleep with my window open. It's a living hell.

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solidgoldbrass · 25/07/2012 01:35

Call Women's Aid and a solicitor. I am not a lawyer but I think you can request (via your solicitor) medical information on this man's mental health, and information about him being arrested/restrained/charged. You should definitely be able to say that the onus is now on him to prove that he is not a danger to the DC.
Also, if he's phoning you or texting you and being abusive, you can complain to the police about that, too.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 25/07/2012 02:35

This is not a normal child contact situation and so the normal rules do not apply

It must be so difficult for you but obviously your main priority is to keep your dc safe

Don't be bullied into anything you're not happy with. If you fear for his mental health and your dc safety then refuse contact this week and then take things further. You are not being vindictive, don't doubt yourself you are doing what any good parent would do

I know it must seem easy for us to type and not so easy to put into action but you can do this, none of this is your fault, stay strong

Offred · 25/07/2012 06:52

Stop thinking about what you will be allowed to do. Think about what is best for the children. If you absolutely insist on it and have good reasons the law normally supports you even if it isn't strictly meant to.

Offred · 25/07/2012 06:55

Yes, you need to report everything you can and get involvement with services like women's aid because if you use his Dv and current harassment as a reason you are afraid to let the children with him then you will need evidence that you are taking it seriously/it is happening.

Offred · 25/07/2012 06:59

Don't take the idea of being taken to court having stopped contact temporarily as a judgement on your parenting. A PWC cannot take a NRP to court to enforce access so the only way courts review contact is if the NRP claims to be being denied access. I would not let them go, mediation is not appropriate if there is ongoing abuse and it would be entirely appropriate to return to court and have them review the contact and you need to do everything you can to substantiate you assertions about how he is a risk and you are afraid, his mental health is not enough unless you can show how he is hurting you.

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 07:17

Thanks again for the replies.

Offred I believe my ex would take me to court if I stopped access. He keeps going on about wanting to put the maintenance down so maybe he will address that at the same time.

I am not sure I can prove on-going abuse. It was mainly in his phone calls. He wanted details of how much money I receive and how I spend it. I told him it was none of his business. We had full financial disclosure at the point of the divorce and Court Order. He thinks I am a Drama Queen. I am not. It is only looking back on the relationship that I realise how badly I was treated.

I'll mull things over today, see if I can get my Solicitor on the phone.

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Offred · 25/07/2012 07:20

You don't need to prove it but you can establish records to substantiate it. You can report that he is harassing you (the phone calls) you can document the dv, speak to the police about prosecution and see if it is possible. Did you ever have medical treatment? If you are in women's aid it substantiates your claim that you are afraid and he is abusive and they will give you excellent support and advice.

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 07:34

I will try to remember details of the dv. I never had medical treatment. I was too ashamed. I am also ashamed to say that I attacked him once. I was heavily pregnant and he stayed out all night. I asked him why he did it and he said "because I am a cunt" Sad. I lost it and flew at him in a rage. I went into labour hours afterwards. I'll never forgive myself for that one.

I am not in Womens Aid.

I feel like I am being punished all over again.

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jumpy2012 · 25/07/2012 07:36

You don't need to be 'in' Womens Aid, just give them a ring and they will help you.

Website here

Original poster
IJustWantPeace · 25/07/2012 07:38

Thanks jumpy. I am checking out their website now.

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