Ex-h and child contact

[IJustWantPeace]

Namechanged for this as I am on some other threads and don't want this appearing in my history.

I divorced my ex 4 years ago. It was my choice. He was controlling, violent, abusive and didn't help with the children. He has never accepted the divorce. He has gone from living in a rented house to having to live with his parents as his mental health is not good. He has been an in-patient at the Mental Health Unit and has been forcibly restrained by the police on occasion. I don't know the exact diagnosis of what he has as he won't tell me, nor will his family.

There is a Court Order that he can see the DCs twice a week - this was put in place at the time of the divorce before he had a breakdown. For the past 2 years, he has not followed that. He saw them maybe 8 times last year.

This year, he is back on the scene. Pushing to see them every week. I said we needed to build it back up gradually so I agreed to every other week.

Today the police call to my house to say my ex-h has been missing since last night and due to his mental health history they need to speak to me. (He has since turned up safe and well btw).

But...he is meant to be seeing the children (3 between ages of 6-8) on Sunday. Do I let them go?

I will leave it at that for now. Any advice? Questions? I just don't know what to do.

Have a look at the local service finder jumpy, really think women's aid counselling would help you stand up for the dcs, he sounds like he is pushing you around and you feel worn down.

Honestly, the man's looopy enough for the police to be looking for him and wanring you that he's on the loose. No court at all would regard you as unreasonable for saying that due to his MH issues you are stopping contact 'temporarily' for the DCs' safety. And if the wretched man turns up or phones or kicks off in any way, you can just call the police and get yet another piece of evidence of his bad behaviour which entirely justifes suspending contact.

ijustwant - it is your call and you so have "reasonable excuse" for stoping contact until someone verifies his mental state.
what police have told you is cnocerns over his MH status. that is enough to not send dc - tho as has been pointed out you can say you willing to offer alternative ie properly supervised contact at a contact centre

find your nearest show you proactive www.naccc.org.uk

i do know where you coming from as have a similar ex who is currently pushing for more contact.

and i think your social worker is talking rubbish too - io course 2normal" depression or low mood doesnt mean no contact - but in this case and with my ex there is more to it ie history of agressive behaviour and erratic behviour which goes far beyond a simple depression.

that is what they sometimes dont get - in my case it is his GP who doesnt get it...but fortunately i have support of SS.

your solicitor cant request his medical info. a court can ask for a report to be done. you might have to pay for it. that is where it all gets complex. however- it is up to him to show that he is ok.

do not accept supervising contact.
insist to your solicitor and to him that given recent events ie the police (and there will be a record) your concern is his MH status and until it can be verified then you will only allow supervised contact by properly trained people eg contact centre.

hre is the advice i was given when i asked on here about getting mh disclosure

You need to make an application for a directions order, specifically a direction that a psychiatric assessment is made.

Who will pay for it? Are you publicly funded?

The court may also say that there should be an assesment of your mental health as well (I'm not suggesting that there's a problem, but his solicitor may well argue that you should both be assessed, for balance.

The actual procedure is for you/your solicitors to raise the issue in correspondence, and to put forward the names and CVs of 3 psychologists/psychiatrists. If not agreed before the directions hearing, then the district judge will listen to both sides and decide whether an assesment would be helpful, and if so, whether on both of you or just the ex. If neither of you are publicly funded, then usually you each pay half of the assesment fee (around £750).

if you want to talk pm me .

but do call womens aid as they very helpful.

and stay firm -you know it is your dc best interest right now that they are not left alone with someone who at best is behving eratically and at worst - well who knows...

trust yourself to make best judgement.

i know it is ahrd -sometimes we want to eb seen to show how we faciltiating cnact. but it isnt always the right thing - tell yourself - until you can get a full disclosure on his MH status then ONLY proprely supervised contact.

you have "reasonable excuse" if he takes you to court as you were "extremely concerned by the police visit on xxx date and the concern of the police over his MH status".

are dc desperate to see him?

Thanks cestlavielife. I am waiting for a suitable time to ring Womens Aid. I have got the DCs around at the moment.

I will PM you shortly.