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[gingerpig]

my DP and I are in the middle of an almighty row, which has escalated and is threatening to end our relationship. without going into all the details because it will take too long, we had made a decision, I thought jointly, not to go to a colleague/friend of his wedding which is in a few weeks. we have discussed this lots of times, and he has always maintained he is not bothered about going. the invitations came out, and nothing changed with our decision. he then spoke to the groom about if because he wanted to be upfront about it. the groom was apparently very disappointed. now, my DP is a total people pleaser, he cannot and I mean CANNOT make decisions if he feels he will let someone (other than me) down.

then on Monday, the groom emailed him saying how disappointed he was, how my DPs reasons were not good enough, and saying that just because I don't want to go, my DP should have the freedom to do what he wants, and lots of other really snide comments about my DP doing what is 'right'. it was a total manipulative guilt trip. my DP sent it on to me, which I really wished he hadn't. I barely know this guy, have met him twice for approx 10 mins each time. anyway, you've guessed it, my DP has done a U turn and is now going, without me. he won't listen to anything I have to say, he just says the goalposts have moved.

I feel completely betrayed by him, not just him changing his mind, but also not sticking up for me over the email. the reasons we weren't going to the wedding relate to an ex of his who will be there and i am just not comfortable with this. my DP doesn't care, he's going and that's that. sod all our joint decisions, sod his promises to me, none of them matter now as he doesn't want to let this guy down. so I've told him I can't be with someone who just disregards my feelings like this and now we're on the verge of splitting.

the saddest thing is we were supposed to be moving in together and were both really excited about it. it's all been ruined now.

can anyone give me any advice on what to do? im always the proactive one in our relationship and I really don't want to just make it all better this time. he's hurt me too much.

oops forgot title bugger

If it really was a joint decision then he is out of order. However are you sure it wasnt a case of you being unhappy with the thought of going because his ex will be there and he, rather than upset you had just agreed to not go.

If it is the latter then I think the question is a different one...

You need to explain more about why you don't want to go because his ex will be there, now he is going on his own?

What is the problem with the ex?

He is a people pleaser. He isn't bothered about pleasing you. He is also willing to allow others to put the blame for decisions onto you and not correct them.

You will never be top of his list of people to please. Can you accept that and know he will always change his plans to please others without giving a fig about you?

Only you know the answer to that.

How long have you been together?

it's not anything to do with the ex, I've met her, she's nice etc etc. it's to do with his behaviour during our relationship. they were together 7 years (no kids and not married). they split because he constantly put his wants and needs first and she put up with it, until one day she'd had enough. he told me this, btw. he then spent 3 months trying to woo her back, but she wasn't having any of it.

but he definitely was on the rebound when we met, 18 months ago - still had photos up which stayed up til I pointed out it was a bit odd... there have been other little niggly things too. anyway the upshot is this has all fed into my own insecurity about me and him. so with this wedding he said he realised the effect of all this had had on us, blah blah, and how he'd put my feelings first and show it by us not going as I wasn't that keen (also because I barely know any of the others going)

i dunno. it all feels skew whiff in black and white.

Either he is behaving inappropriately with the ex and if he wants to go then your relationship is over because he is prioritising her over you or you don't trust him unjustly and your relationship will be ruined if you continue trying to control where he goes and who he sees. If he wants to go to his friend's wedding and his friend would be upset by him not going I don't think you have a leg to stand on tbh. I don't think it is him not supporting you with his friends, I think it sounds as if you are unreasonably controlling him over this.

they were together 7 years (no kids and not married). they split because he constantly put his wants and needs first and she put up with it, until one day she'd had enough.

He hasn't changed much as he.

Do you want this for the next 7 weeks let alone the next 7 years?

Why are you with him? I don't think a gf of 18 months has the right fwiw to dictate to someone they can't go to a friends wedding. You have hardly been together that long, You've got no right to ban him. Just because YOU don't know them.

But he doesn't sound like a real catch anyway, so why bother?

perhaps I am. I've lost all sight of it all now. however, I'd still like to say at no point did I tell him not to go.

it's not about him acting inappropriately with his ex. it's more to do with his U turn and all the blame being dumped on me. that doesn't feel like a partnership to me.

where did I say I was dictating?

Do you have DC together yet?

You feel your relationship started as a rebound relationship as he was still in love or wanted what he couldn't have with ex gr?

It doesn't sound like a great start to a long term relationship because he isn't making you feel special, he is making you feel second best

I can guess from your posts and tone. You may not have said outright don't go...but you put a lot of pressure on him not to as you don't trust him with the ex and you aren't keen anyway as you don't know them.

You see this as all about you. Don't you think for one minute a friend, who was probably on the scene long before you. Maybe hurt at him blowing out a wedding, because a short term girlfriend is kicking off? No matter how valid your reasons?

Despite that he sounds a headache. But the wedding issue, well if I were him, I'd go.

I do feel like our relationship is rebound yes, but I've known that for ages and we've talked and talked about it. I don't feel very special, no.

im putting pressure on him now, but I wasn't before. he was fine making this choice until he realised his friend was disappointed.

I don't think this relationship has legs op, there doesn't sound like there is anything happy in this relationship.

fwiw, I get his friend is disappointed and all of that. I do not get however his choice to change his mind on the spot without any discussion with me on the back of a really horrible email.

Look you knew you were rebound, you knew you were second best, why settle for that eh? Why?

Ofc his friend is going to be upset, his friend isn't coming to the wedding, because his insecure girlfriend is annoyed at being the re bound, despite making that choice.

It's totally unreasonable of you to expect him to blow out a friends wedding for your own insecurities. Why even bother with him?

I very much doubt he really was fine tbh. This was always going to happen.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say he might be the controlling one.
I was with someone like this who used to make joint decisions with me about things and then change his mind. I really didn't want to control him and thought we'd made the decisions together too.
I ended up completely confused and was then afraid to make decisions about things and let him do it as otherwise I'd have no idea what was going to happen/if he would get annoyed with me.
He was also just out of a relationship when we met and clearly on the rebound.

He wanted me and ex in his life but wasn't prepared to let us form a relationship. He kept us separate and lied to us both.

I think you have your answers already - you may have had a lucky escape not moving in with him. At the very least it sounds like he doesn't respect you/your feelings and not defending you to his friend is pretty low IMO.

You mustn't live a life believing or knowing you are second best

houseofplain why are you so cross with me?

Yes it is possible he has engineered this situation to get alone time with the ex but either way it doesnt matter because the relationship sounds very wrong.

I'm not cross with you at all. I want to know why you think all you deserve is second best?

Then are surprised when it all kicks off, when you start wanting to control things such as attendance to a friends wedding.

He's just not that into you. Why do you think you deserve that, I'm sad for you. Not angry.

I don't think he's thought this through at all. He hasn't considered the repercussions, he's just thought I want to go, the groom has made it easier for me to go, therefore I will go
She will forgive me and I get my own way, it will blow over
I just think he doesn't want to realise it's key to you. He's no longer with her so what's the problem
I don't think there is any more to it than that.
I guess you have to decide if you want to be with him under those circumstances
I don't think he's being deliberately cruel. I think he is just trying to get his own way in something he doesn't think is that big a deal
I know a lot of men like that, doesn't make them terrible people, doesn't make them terrible husbands, but you have to decide what you can live with and whe you draw the line of what is acceptable and what isn't

I don't feel second best in his life. I usually feel like things are really good. especially now a bit of time has passed since they split. he hasn't really shown any the selfish tendencies he talked about having with his ex towards me.

the problem I have with him is that he will defer 99% of all decision making to me. I am aware of this and try and get him to make decisions, have an opinion, find out what he really wants etc. but it's hard work as he is totally wired towards keeping others happy. so normally things tick along okay. however, when a third party comes on the scene and he is pulled in 2 different directions he goes into complete panic mode and tries desperatly to keep everyone happy. but it's always me that gets the short end of the stick in these situations. I usually back off because I can see the pressure he's under, but this time it's really hurt me.

You're coming across as really angry, House.

OP, he sounds both selfish and weak. You're clearly not his priority, just as his last girlfriend wasn't. I think you can do a hell of a lot better than him.

Why don't you plan a nice weekend away at the time of the wedding and tell him to sling his hook?