Untitled

[gingerpig]

my DP and I are in the middle of an almighty row, which has escalated and is threatening to end our relationship. without going into all the details because it will take too long, we had made a decision, I thought jointly, not to go to a colleague/friend of his wedding which is in a few weeks. we have discussed this lots of times, and he has always maintained he is not bothered about going. the invitations came out, and nothing changed with our decision. he then spoke to the groom about if because he wanted to be upfront about it. the groom was apparently very disappointed. now, my DP is a total people pleaser, he cannot and I mean CANNOT make decisions if he feels he will let someone (other than me) down.

then on Monday, the groom emailed him saying how disappointed he was, how my DPs reasons were not good enough, and saying that just because I don't want to go, my DP should have the freedom to do what he wants, and lots of other really snide comments about my DP doing what is 'right'. it was a total manipulative guilt trip. my DP sent it on to me, which I really wished he hadn't. I barely know this guy, have met him twice for approx 10 mins each time. anyway, you've guessed it, my DP has done a U turn and is now going, without me. he won't listen to anything I have to say, he just says the goalposts have moved.

I feel completely betrayed by him, not just him changing his mind, but also not sticking up for me over the email. the reasons we weren't going to the wedding relate to an ex of his who will be there and i am just not comfortable with this. my DP doesn't care, he's going and that's that. sod all our joint decisions, sod his promises to me, none of them matter now as he doesn't want to let this guy down. so I've told him I can't be with someone who just disregards my feelings like this and now we're on the verge of splitting.

the saddest thing is we were supposed to be moving in together and were both really excited about it. it's all been ruined now.

can anyone give me any advice on what to do? im always the proactive one in our relationship and I really don't want to just make it all better this time. he's hurt me too much.

I don't just issue out orders. I explained why the pics he had up was hurtful, I've tried to be accommodating. he's one of loveable guys who is very kind and generous but who doesn't really think things through that deeply. i should just give up shouldn't I

Hmmn, if his ex found him impossible to live with after 7 years, and you are feeling like this (which, for whatever reasons, is a horrible way to feel), I must say he sounds like a hard person to be with. The wedding isn't really that important, what is important is your feelings and the groom's feelings. Since you are in a relationship with him, you would hope that your feelings would come first.

I would monitor his behaviour and perhaps let yourself be more critical of him.

He thinks you'll just put up with anything. He knows his friends won't.

I don't think you can change the way someone thinks like this, OP. I think it's set when you first meet.

Look you admit he was on the rebound when he met you, had pics up and other niggly things. You accepted this. But you have admitted this has fed your own insecurities....not surprising, so why go for a man like this? A man who has admitted he is selfish to the core, and that's why his ex dumped him. You are with him and you are surprised you are getting hurt! Really? When a man tells you what he's like listen.

YABVVVU to expect him to forgoe a friends wedding for your benefit. It's not about him or you, it's the bride and grooms day. I wouldn't be surprised if the groom genuinely is very upset.

The whole relationship sounds utterly toxic.

Ginger, I really don't think you'll get never ending Haines with him no. I do think you've had a lucky escape tbh, I really do.

*happiness

One of those "loveable" guys who never takes responsibility for anything and blames the people who do.. Nice...

I didnt know about all the selfish acts until recently. I was quite gobsmacked really, some of them are just awful.

yes, I did know about the rebound, and yes I know I overlooked my own gut over that at the time. things got better I suppose, he appeared to be trying much harder with me and be very into me. that hasn't changed.

I find myself wondering if he is a bloke who can have relationships without really getting that far in himself? yet he appears to be? but when you scratch below the surface..

You had your gut I stints back then...they were yelling at you. He's told you the stuff he's done to her, "awful" stuff.

If I were you. I'd be very greatful you aren't moved in with him. He's told you what he's like. So when he does it to you. He can say, "well I did say".

it's hard to hear straight talk when you're in pain. I can say I know but it doesn't help me now

:( I guess it's decision time for you then isn't it? The wedding is here nor there really. If it wasn't that it would be something. Good luck with whatever you decide.

In the long run fwiw, I think you'll have less pain calling it quits now.

You deserve better than this Ginger.. and l think deep down you know this

Dump him , life's too short to put up with twatty blokes .

Get yourself a nicer one and be glad you found out what hes like before you moved in .

no it's not really about the wedding. it became the focus because I finally felt like he understood why the rebound stuff was hurtful, why I felt awkward in his ex's company as a result of that, and that he was prepared to protect me from it on this occasion. but he's not now. so what's the point.

I know I deserve better and need to move on. I'd say it myself reading this.

I'm fucking shite at ending relationships too. I always give it 'one mire chance'

*more