DH doesn't like my family...

[loveulotslikejellytots]

DH doesn't like my family. What do I do????

Sorry, this will probably turn out quite long. DH doesn't like my family. He gets along with them but finds them so infuriating it's starting to affect our marriage.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. There has always been little things about my family that annoy DH but nothing major. Now, it seems that over the last 5 years these little things have snowballed and are now coming to a head.

I think these things are silly, they dont directly affect us. I've learnt to let them go over my head and get on with things.

For example:

-My brothers are spoilt. They are 20 and 21 (there was a previous thread about them). They both work full time and earn probably the same as what I do, yet they've usually spent all their wages by week 2 of the month. The way my parents bail them out with money annoys DH.

• They would rather go to the pub than come and see me. I live 15 miles away. On Friday or Saturday nights they will never just pop over to see me, it has to be a planned visit and for a reason like a meal out. I've learnt to live with this, they are lazy and wont ever change. This makes DH so angry that they cant be bothered with me. I dont really care. I feel a bit sorry for them really.

• That they generally dont think about others around them. They live 2 minutes drive from both sets of my Grandparents, yet i'm the one that has to drive over or if DH has the car get a train and then a 15 minute walk over if one of them needs something doing. Things like getting stuff out or putting stuff in the loft, heavy duty jobs that they cant do, giving them lifts to and from places adding a lot of time (and diesel) onto my journey because they wont offer lifts and will happily let them pay for taxi's at £10 a pop. (BTW my Grandparents often ask me as a last resort because they have been waiting for my Dad or Brothers to pop over and do it - my Nan's Christmas Tree sat in her hall way until February this year).

• That they are so disorganised. DH is very lucky in that he is naturally a very organised person, i'm not, it's obviously in my genes. My parents will phone me when they are short staffed to come and help out at short notice (Mum has her own shop). Which in principle is fine, but it's often because she has forgotten to book staff in or on one occasion, let 5 out of 8 of them have the same weekend off. DH says that I should say no, but I cant watch them struggle.

• My Auntie. Bless her she's been dealt a pretty shit hand when it comes to relationships and i'm like a Daughter to her and she's like a second Mum to me. She is very wary of men and is understandably very protective of me. I have noticed that she can be a bit off with DH at times and has on occasion ignored him totally. I've asked her why, she claims that she didn't do it on purpose. She annoys DH because she constantly invites me out on nights out or weekends away, which pre-DH I joined in with. Now I have a mortgage and bills to pay I cant afford to go out every weekend and the weekends DH and I get together can be few and far between. I totally, by my own choice decline these invitations unless it's a special occasion. She always blames DH, and tells me that he shouldn't be telling me what I can and can't do... he has never done this! He has never once 'told' me not to go out. She always makes snide comments to him about this, no matter how many times I tell her.

There are a few more that I cant think of now but what I am asking is how do I deal with this. DH "can't just ignore it" like I can apparently.

He hasn't got a problem with me doing things for my Grandparents and would never stop me seeing them but the arguements my family seem to cause us (without them knowing of course) is getting ridiculous.

I know he only gets annoyed because I did used to get upset, but now I just ignore it. If they cant be bothered to come and see me then it's tough. And as far as my Auntie is concerned she needs to realise that I do have a brain and a tounge and I do make my own decisions, if she cant get on with that then that's her problem, not ours.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant.

It's tough to be in a situation where you're effectively being asked to choose. Some will say your first loyalty is to your husband, others will say it's to your family.... good, bad or indifferent. If he's got a point and your family are taking the piss then support what he's saying and don't be quite so tolerant. If he's just getting annoyed about trivia (and I would suggest that's the case if the worst examples you can quote are 'selfish', 'disorganised' and 'occasionally snidey') and/or if you suspect he's trying to isolate you from your family, that would be a very different concern.

My exH didn't like my family and vice versa and it ended up being one of many, not-always-rational reasons why the relationship failed. However, my family were proved to be right :) He actually was a knob.

I think your DH is a decent person who is upset seeing you taken advantage of and treated poorly.

perhaps you need to acknowledge to him that it's a sign that he cares about you that he gets so angry.
I know that I get very angry with my DH's family, because they are also self-centered and bonkers take advantage of him if they are not ignoring him.

But don't argue with him about it. Let him be angry, and be understanding of his anger. You can't change him anymore than you can change your brothers!

I'm not sure how to deal with his ranting, but don't defend them, just agree your brothers are spoilt, your auntie hates men and you have an unusual family.

But I agree with Cogito, if he's trying to isloate you from them, it's a little different story!

Sounds like he has a point to me. You could always try not pandering to them and the cause of his gripes would disappear.

Your family would really bother me too, from your description here. Especially if I was getting it in the neck because some cynical lady had her nose put out of joint as the financial situation had changed and her fun was spoiled.

I would also be fiercely protective of you from the lack of consideration you get, especially if it has upset you in the past.

However, why does it cause rows? If you both agree they aren't perfect and you are no longer getting visibly upset by it what causes the row? Do you defend them?

It sounds like he has a point to me too. He sees people taking you for granted. You have given lots of examples of things you have done for them, what have they done for you?

If your mother cannot organise herself she shouldn't be running a business.

If your aunt is giving him the cold shoulder, completely ignoring him and blaming him for things that is not responsible for why should he accept it and ignore it?

It seems like you are expected to put up, help out and be out of pocket towards these people.

What do you get in return?

Do you tell your auntie off for saying that, in front of DH? ie, can he hear you standing up for him? Does Auntie get any consequences, like 'it makes me really upset to hear H being blamed for something that is my choice. I can't go out with you the way we used to, and if you continue to blame him, then... [ ]?

And maybe you are having the disagreements because YOU won't hear the truth ('they use you') of what he is saying? Why don't you want to hear it?

Maybe he feels that he is telling the truth, and you are chosing them over him?

Do you really have to 'do' anything.

I don't like FIl and after years of agonising over it and councelling, we are happy now we have decided we will just not 'do' anything.

It causes rows because I refuse to confront them about it (sorry meant to put that in first post). DH's family get everything out in the open, my family don't, they bury their heads in the sand and don't 'do' confrontation.

In return I have a family that I know deep down love me and do appreciate what I do for them. Ok, they don't show it instantly but they do appreciate it. DH isn't trying to isolate me from them, he never stops me from going to see them and sometimes comes with me. He always used to come with me but sometimes doesn't now if he knows it's likely to be one of 'those' visits, where I end up roped into helping out.

Abitwobbly- i'v told her face to face, in emails, in front of my Mum... She is quite forceful. I'v told her that all she's doing is pushing me away, she can't accept that I'm not free an single any more. DH has seen the emails although he hasn't been there for the face to face ones.

It's true I don't like hearing what DH has to say about them even if I know it's true, it's like an in built reflex to defend them.

Well, I think refusing to let him air his frustrations is unfair really - as though he has no right to an opinion on a matter which affects his nearest and dearest. That isn't true, so it would take away one bone of contention if you stopped defending them, agree he has a point, but ask him to accept they won't change and as much as you can see exactly where he is coming from you are both like King Canute against the tide, so put it to bed.

When something crops up, roll your eyes at each other about it instead, then you are both feeling like you are on the same side and it will reduce his frustration and therefore it's power to cause problems between you.

You grew up with this family so you regard it as normal. I think your DH has a point anyway with regards to your brothers.

What do you get from your relationship with your birth family?. Very little from what you write; they are all take, take and take some more. You've probably also been conditioned by them to give freely.

Why does everyone enable your brothers so much?. I would argue that your parents behaviour has made them worse over the years, not better. You were likely seen as the "capable one" by them from an early age so were trusted, or more likely left, to get on with it. You've ended up being used by them; what would happen if you actually said no to one of their demands?.

It's true I don't like hearing what DH has to say about them even if I know it's true, it's like an in built reflex to defend them.

That isn't a reflex, it is your choice. Try accepting the truth from him and asking for his advice on how to handle situations as they
arise.

It might not be a bad thing to begin to adjust their expectations of what they can expect from you in terms of putting yourself out and last minute running to help.

Not to become unsupportive, but if you don't already have kids and do so, your tendency to be called upon at your own inconvenience could end up being a practical problem for your family and that includes your DH. that wouldn't be very fair.

Jenner - in quite happy for him to rant away and I'm quite happy to accept that they will never change and will always be this way. I'm also happy to try and be a bit former with them. But DH refuses to let it lie. He thinks it needs to be dealt with. Rather than ignore them as much as possible and get on with our lives he just can't. I don't get upset any more, I'm past caring with some things.

They enable my brothers because it gives them an easy life. It's the way it's always been. Rather than putting boundaries in place or teaching them discipline they have just gone along with the easiest option. Which has actually made them very entitled and spoilt. My parents don't see it like that. They see it as though they did everything they could to make us all happy.

Firmer not former.

Ahhh OK, it was just you saying it was an inbuilt reflex to defend them, I thought that seemed futile, but sounds like you let him get it off his chest then.

Have you asked him if he really really believes that any addressing of their behaviour from you will actually change anything. He may desire it but not considered whether it is realistic. If no-one in the family even sees the problem it isn't going to be changed.

He could do with letting it go for his own sanity. Maybe if you agree some limits to how much you will respond and support their requests, so you have a compromise and he can see there is a limit which he can live with, then he will be able to let it go and you can regain some measure of damage control over their enabling behaviour.

Op your family don't sound great tbh. Leaving grandparents who are a couple of minutes away because they can't be arsed going over? Expecting you to give up your free time to work (and I bet you do it for nowt/ mates rates) because your mum can't be arsed to sort out a rota?

If I were married to you I'd be annoyed too that you spend a lot of time, energy, effort and probably money on people who don't reciprocate it because of a notion of faaaamily (eastenders style). Whether your dh is expressing this positively or not is another matter.

What happens if you say no to your family? Are they ok about it or do they sulk or call you names or ignore you? Or do you never say no?

Wow, lucky you! Your DH comes from a family that is healthier than yours! So, you have traded up in terms of functioning that is a good thing. Watch, and learn...

No wonder your husband is upset, when you defend them. You are telling him, I care about their feelings more than yours.

Think about this. I think Wombat's advice is spot on. Agree with him (if deep down you know it is the truth), and ask his advice on how he would deal with the radically unfair parts.

I agree with your husband, they sound horrible

you may convince yourself that deep down they appreciate you, but if they don't say or act it, they don't! sorry!

It sounds like your DH really cares about you and your family treat you like a doormat!

I think regarding your aunty she just hasn't accepted that your priorities have changed

I cant help but think that no 21 year old would choose to go and see relatives over beer and clubbing of a weekend so I think perhaps your being a little sensitive on that issue. Could you not organise an early Sunday evening roast/BBQ whatever instead, invite your aunty along too and at least if her and your DH mighn't ever be best friends at least they might try and be cordial for a family dinner/get together

You need to go through the things and separate out the ones that really aren't any of his concern/can't be changed. Your brothers being bailed out constantly, the lack of visits and the disregard for their parents isn't going to change. He needs to let these go - it's who they are. He might find that easier if you dealt with the other things that you can change and are very much his business.

You need to deal with you're aunt. If she 'won't listen however many times (you) tell her then you should tell her that you are very upset by the way she treats your DH, that her comments are unacceptable and that whilst she behaves in that way she won't be welcome in your home. And your parents aren't totally 'disorganised' if they manage to run a business. They are using you because you always come running - this isn't a one off is it. You have a life with your DH, you work full time, you help out their parents. It's not ok to keep taking up your weekends bailing your parents out yet again. I'm not surprised your DH gets angry at you being taken advantage of in this way.

your

If I was to confront them all it would do is upset my grandparents. My Mum would be quite understanding and probably try to change things, my dad not so much. He ignores issues.

DH thinks that 'having it out' with them would solve things. I know it wouldn't. It would just put a big gap in between us.

I know DH is right but it's not a nice feeling realising that actually your own parents and family don't really care.

The BBQ thing sounds lovely, but my Auntie has only ever been to our house 3 times in 5 years. There is always an excuse. I'v asked why and I don't get a straight answer. Too busy, got work to do, I'm taking Nan somewhere (she takes her to do food shopping and to work).