DH doesn't like my family...

[loveulotslikejellytots]

DH doesn't like my family. What do I do????

Sorry, this will probably turn out quite long. DH doesn't like my family. He gets along with them but finds them so infuriating it's starting to affect our marriage.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. There has always been little things about my family that annoy DH but nothing major. Now, it seems that over the last 5 years these little things have snowballed and are now coming to a head.

I think these things are silly, they dont directly affect us. I've learnt to let them go over my head and get on with things.

For example:

-My brothers are spoilt. They are 20 and 21 (there was a previous thread about them). They both work full time and earn probably the same as what I do, yet they've usually spent all their wages by week 2 of the month. The way my parents bail them out with money annoys DH.

• They would rather go to the pub than come and see me. I live 15 miles away. On Friday or Saturday nights they will never just pop over to see me, it has to be a planned visit and for a reason like a meal out. I've learnt to live with this, they are lazy and wont ever change. This makes DH so angry that they cant be bothered with me. I dont really care. I feel a bit sorry for them really.

• That they generally dont think about others around them. They live 2 minutes drive from both sets of my Grandparents, yet i'm the one that has to drive over or if DH has the car get a train and then a 15 minute walk over if one of them needs something doing. Things like getting stuff out or putting stuff in the loft, heavy duty jobs that they cant do, giving them lifts to and from places adding a lot of time (and diesel) onto my journey because they wont offer lifts and will happily let them pay for taxi's at £10 a pop. (BTW my Grandparents often ask me as a last resort because they have been waiting for my Dad or Brothers to pop over and do it - my Nan's Christmas Tree sat in her hall way until February this year).

• That they are so disorganised. DH is very lucky in that he is naturally a very organised person, i'm not, it's obviously in my genes. My parents will phone me when they are short staffed to come and help out at short notice (Mum has her own shop). Which in principle is fine, but it's often because she has forgotten to book staff in or on one occasion, let 5 out of 8 of them have the same weekend off. DH says that I should say no, but I cant watch them struggle.

• My Auntie. Bless her she's been dealt a pretty shit hand when it comes to relationships and i'm like a Daughter to her and she's like a second Mum to me. She is very wary of men and is understandably very protective of me. I have noticed that she can be a bit off with DH at times and has on occasion ignored him totally. I've asked her why, she claims that she didn't do it on purpose. She annoys DH because she constantly invites me out on nights out or weekends away, which pre-DH I joined in with. Now I have a mortgage and bills to pay I cant afford to go out every weekend and the weekends DH and I get together can be few and far between. I totally, by my own choice decline these invitations unless it's a special occasion. She always blames DH, and tells me that he shouldn't be telling me what I can and can't do... he has never done this! He has never once 'told' me not to go out. She always makes snide comments to him about this, no matter how many times I tell her.

There are a few more that I cant think of now but what I am asking is how do I deal with this. DH "can't just ignore it" like I can apparently.

He hasn't got a problem with me doing things for my Grandparents and would never stop me seeing them but the arguements my family seem to cause us (without them knowing of course) is getting ridiculous.

I know he only gets annoyed because I did used to get upset, but now I just ignore it. If they cant be bothered to come and see me then it's tough. And as far as my Auntie is concerned she needs to realise that I do have a brain and a tounge and I do make my own decisions, if she cant get on with that then that's her problem, not ours.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant.

So don't 'have it out' with your parents. Stop visiting them when the shop is open. When you visit have a reason to be elsewhere at a specific time eg meeting a friend/hair appointment. If you stop being giving in they will stop asking. But you need to tell your Aunt that you don't want to talk to her if she can't be pleasant to and about your DH.

I know it hurts when you realise you do lots for your family but it isn't reciprocated. Both me and dh have been there. We've not had a big confrontation, we just don't see or speak to them much anymore. If you're the one doing all the running, this is quite easy to achieve. It's really sad because for us it coincided with the birth of Ds, which I imagine it might do for a lot of people because once you have children you don't have the energy to run round after able bodied adults.

How would you feel if you just stopped going to see them for a while?

Then your Auntie is only like a second Mum to you in the sense that you have an emotional connection and you regard her that way. She doesn't behave like one, she isn't nurturing or caring or giving you unconditional love. She sees your relationship through the prism of what she gets out of it, no more no less. As soon as you are no longer doing things her way she becomes disrespectful of your DH and is unpleasant, and ignores your reasonable requests to see things from your point of view! Not having the cash anymore to accompany her on as many socials is totally normal when you have a new mortgage etc, she behaves like it is your DH getting you under the thumb.

What a load of nonsense.

It does sound like the family is disfunctional to varying degrees and therefore having it out is unlikely to help, but for the sake of your marriage I would put some distance between you and them, you can do that without being horrible.

Just wean them off you and tell him it is your plan and ask for his support and patience.

You're giving way too much consideration to the feelings of people who don't consider your feelings, can you see that?

I can see that silky.

I did try last year, I didn't go over there for what I would call social visits to my parents. It took them nearly 6 weeks to notice. Even then all I got was a text from my mum saying "when are you over next, been ages. I've missed you". Still not enough to come over. I did explain to my Mum what I was doing and since then she has got a bit better. She was making weekly visits, her shop is seasonal so now summer is here she genuinely doesn't have time.

I think what I'd like to know from you all is from what i have written do you think that my DH is right, and that he's not trying to cut me off from my family. That it's my Auntie's voice in my head telling me that's what he's trying to do.

He is a good man and I know he loves me but there is still that little bit of me holding a red flag wondering if this is normal.

Someone said that his family are normal. They probably are but from my POV they are in each others pockets. I speak to my mum every day by text. DH speak on the phone to his mum at least twice if not more per day. We also go there once a week (usually Sunday) for dinner. To me that's OTT, maybe it's not!

I think your DH is right, your family are badly behaved, and maybe his is claustrophobically close, who knows.

So really you should put each other first, respect how one anothers family is making the other feel and adjust accordingly.

The phoning he does is more frequent than in this house but the once a week visit sounds fine. How does he react if you eg go away for a weekend or have plans on the day you'd normally visit?

He shouldn't expect your family to behave like his do and vice versa. Not wanting you to get roped into working and not wanting shit from your Aunt is reasonable though.

As you've asked, how is he about money? Do you feel you contribute more than your fair share? Is he pressuring you/making you feel awkward about spending money doing stuff with your Aunt? Do you have friends? How is he about you going out without him?

I don't think your OH is trying to isolate you from family and friends, from the sound of it he'ld love nothing more than for you to have a positive family around you, but you don't! It doesn't sound like he would try to come between you if their behaviour was good, in fact that's not what he's proposing at all - it sounds like he (possibly naiively) thinks it can all be fixed?

IMO your family don't sound like the type to examine their own behaviour so as far as they will be concerned, anyone objecting to their BAD behaviour is just trying to come between you for fun!

don't make this about choosing between them

make it about choosing not to tolerate bad behaviour from anyone

Would he be ok with you going to visit your mother when he goes to visit his lot? Say, every other time? That way you'd see them less (as you feel it's OTT) and see yours more?

Narked- he has 2 jobs so contributes probably another 35-40% on top of what I do. All of our wages go into a joint account, all bills come out of it including phone bills.

What ever is left after food and bills is pretty much spent 50:50. It's probably spent on mutual things like meals out with friends, tickets to music things which we both enjoy. If I wanted to go somewhere alone and I needed money I would use our joint account, the same way he would. Any major expense or night out would be discussed with the other but not to get permission, more so we both know what has been spent. Neither of us really have more than the other in that sense.

He has an expensive hobby, which he saves up for during the year with money from a 3rd casual job. What ever he's short comes out of the joint account, which I don't mind as he works bloody hard!

If we couldn't go on a Sunday, which sometimes we don't, we would just go one night in the week. DH's sister usually comes as well. I think he would probably get a bit annoyed if I suggested I went every other week while he was at his Mum's, purely because they wouldn't do the same for me. They wouldn't give up a Friday evening in the pub to come here.

If I wanted to go out alone he wouldn't have a problem, he's usually the one who plays taxi as he can't drink while being on call at his second job.