DCs are telling their friends that XP moved out because 'Mummy got mardy with daddy'

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

XP left because of an OW.

Of course I got mardy with him.

I strongly suspect that this is the explaination he has given, but I don't want to be blamed...but there's not a.lot I can do is there?

I know through their behaviour that the DTDs (11) are aware that OW (a family 'friend') was involved, although I have made a point of not telling them.anything so it is all what they have picked up on
themselves.

The above is what I overheard dd3 (6) saying.

It's unfair that I have been blamed for him leaving...just because I have protected them from the details and him from the blame.

Seperation happened about 15m ago btw...

This is why it rarely pays to shield kids from the truth. Leave gaps in the information and they'll fill it with all kinds of real/imagined stuff. It's not too late to set them straight. Keep it age-appropriate. "Dad wanted to be with Girlfriend more than he wanted to be with Mum so Mum was upset and Dad left" etc.

I agree that it's best to be honest with children. I'd sit them down, tell them the bare facts and answer their questions honestly. It's a shame your ex hasn't told the truth, but there's no reason for you to lie for him or cover up the truth, especially with your own children. You don't need to protect him. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done and children learn a lot from understanding that adults make mistakes and behave badly too.

They need to know the truth now. You can't be expected to live with them thinking it's your fault.

Yes, I would ask them why they are saying that and where they learned it and also explain why it isn't true and why it is a bad thing for them to have been told I.e it isn't the truth and it is upsetting for you to hear. Then if it came from their dad i'd be having a stern conversation explaining that it is abusive to manipulate the children with lies and try to turn them against you, that it is parental alienation and if it continues you will have to go to some kind of mediation in order to discuss the contact and how it can be productive for the children.

I think if she did that, Offred, the children would feel they had said or done something wrong and that they are getting daddy in trouble with mummy etc. It puts blame on them and puts them in the middle. I also don't think she should say it's upsetting for her to hear - again they may think they are in trouble for saying something bad. Children feel guilty enough when parents split.

I wouldn't question them on where they heard it or how it makes you feel. I'd just say 'Mummy and Daddy both love you very much. But Daddy decided to live with OW as he didn't love Mummy anymore and he wanted to live with OW. This made Mummy sad and angry - but no one is angry with you and neither of us will ever stop loving you'.

Interesting response...cos I asked at the time about how much of the truth to tell dcs and although there were opinions on both sides the balance was in favour not telling and leaving it at 'daddy doesn't love mummy any more'.

The problem is confounded by the fact that xp and OW are clearly still together, yet she is still married and her dh and children are completely unaware. My children play with her children (when they are with xp obviously) and although I have no intention of protecting them I have to be sensitive to the impact on other children. I also have to be sensitive to the fact that she lives 3 doors away from me and any deliberate exposure from me will have repercussions on my comfort in my own home.

The agreement we have is that if they ask questions I won't be lying, but that I won't bring it up out of the blue.

I still don't feel they need to know the detail...and don't want to feel that I am telling them out of spite if that makes sense.

I guess what I am trying to.say is that I will respond 100% honestly to any questions (from anyone), but. Deliberately bringing up unnecessary details is against my principles but in this situation it feels like a fine line.

If he did live with OW I think it would be a lot easier...

Whereas I just open up other cans of worms with different issues as a result of the current situation.

It depends how you explained it. It would be silly to leave that undiscussed. One thing I know is I only get the tip of the iceberg of negative behaviour my x inflicts on our dcs. The fact is it is a bad thing to say, if the youngest is six it is likely they need a much more in depth conversation than that to really understand what is going on. IME dcs are not worried if you are frank and open and discuss the feelings (theirs mainly) openly, mine are upset and afraid if I try to sugar coat and protect them. I don't think you should have to hide that you are a person with feelings when you are a mother and in our house I want us all to be able to have an share how we feel.

It is always a fine line and not likely you will always get it right, don't think anyone does.

The only people you have to be 'sensitive' with are your own children. Whatever unholy mess your ex and his girlfriend are creating is entirely their responsibility and that includes her DH and her children, sad to say. Fine for him to spend time with his girlfriend and her children but I don't think it's at all acceptable to mix your children up in it.

So stop the visits, tell your children the truth 'out of the blue' (because they will not ask the questions as you've discovered) and don't worry too much about any consequences. The can of worms is not of your making.

you are not repsonsible fo the otehr chidlren or anyone else nvolved that si their problem.
tell dc the truth in simple terms

This is an intolerable situation and you sound quite passive in the way it's been allowed to develop.

Why haven't you spoken to her husband? Surely he's got a right to know and to keep his children away from the man who is wrecking his marriage? In his shoes, I'd be incandescent with rage that this was happening under my nose and no-one told me about it.

I think all these poor children are being used as cover-stories to normalise adults' bad behaviour. You can decide that your children won't be used in that way and her husband should have the right to that decision too.

I completely get what you are saying...

I am not going to be responsible for exposing their ongoing relationship...that is not my responsibility and it will being with it a lot of instability for my own dcs, and a lot that I probably couldn't imagine. My own dcs WILL be caught up in that when it does happen, so I have to be careful.

So if I tell my dcs...I doubt that they would stop playing with her dcs as they will be put into a position where they are in the middle...where they are part of the secret. That is completely unfair on them. They will become a pawn in my game which will make me.worse than him.

I can't legally stop them spending time with any member of their family. I am dependent on his morals to stop that happening....and he has made it clear where they lie.

I have held my head up throughout all of this mess. I have not bitched about them. I have not spread 'rumours', and I am not about to start. They will come unstuck, although at the moment they are so obviously a couple that half of our village think that they are the couple that have always been married...so no-ones likely to say anything cos it doesn't look wrong to them. I am just not going to be part of that.

I did tell her husband when I found the evidence.

He believed his wife over me (the evidence made it clear that my xp was persuing her, but not that she had secombed to his pursual). Her excuse was that it was all in his head.

It is not my responsibility to inform him, he has told me categorically not to drag him into my problems. I have told him, I am not going to look like a mad woman with a vendetta against xp and OW - which is what it will be as all the 'evidence' I have that it is still going on is circumstantial and about me 'knowing' my xp. About me 'knowing' his routines. Sounds stalkerish but I don't need to stalk when I pass both his house and hers every school day.

No-one's suggesting you 'inform' this woman's husband, go around shit-stirring in the village or giving your children the X-rated version of their Dad's shagging antics. This is all about protecting your children from being used as pawns in a very messy set-up, and protecting your own relationship with them by giving them the age-appropriate truth.

You are fully entitled to stop your children seeing their father if you think they could be in danger of any kind. Morals aside, the fact that there is likely to be an angry husband on the scene pretty soon is a dangerous situation to put your kids in. What if he turns up with a shotgun?

I guess I am just seeing it difficult divorcing me telling my children knowing with me shit stirring.

And I have no reason to believe that there is any current danger because I have no evidence that owdh will go round with a shotgun because I have no evidence that I can hold up to say that they are having an affair. Believe me I have checked. Once I believe that owdh 'knows' then I might have that right.

I don't actually want them to stop seeing their dad. That wasn't really what this thread was about.

I was just feeling shitty about the children's perception that its my fault....whether or not that has been caused by things he has said or their own perception.

1. Your kids are seeing Dad with his married girlfriend's children at a house three doors away with no regard for how that impacts on them, you or anyone else.

1. Your kids think the break-up was all your fault and you are the bad guy.

1. At some point the shit is going to hit the fan and your kids are likely to be slap bang in the middle of it.... unless you step in and starting making some ground-rules i.e. they can stay with Dad but not if he's with the girlfriend.

At a similar age I explained to my DCs the circumstances under which their father left. As they got older and if they asked questions I explained a bit more.

My ExH just had to lump it. It was his fault and he coudln't paint it any other way.

When they were old enough I also started paying his child support directly into their own bank accounts so that they could see exactly how much 'support' they were not getting. That was an eye opener. And it embarrassed ExH no end, as he'd been telling them something different.

Stay truthful, be succinct, try not to blame or inject guilt, and it'll be better for you and your DCs (I personally think).

I tried to shield mine dc from the truth about why I separated from exH (abuse, porn, debt) and so exH gave them his version and then their imagination did the rest, and they came up with some whoppers, so I had to sit them down and explain the truth without scaring or scarring them too much! Now they can see things More clearly and when their father behaves stupidly when he sees them they can understand it more.

Cognito - I know what you are saying.

But there is shit all I can legally do to stop my dcs seeing them. I have thoroughly investigated and I have no grounds to get a court order to stop them. I have to rely on xps morals for that...which worked for a couple of months.

Xp and owdh are also best friends so they also see each other as families (more so in fact than just xp and OW).

The only other option I see (other than forcing the shit to hit the fan now) is to tell my dc's directly that they are not allowed to play with them. I had that inflicted on me as a child for a far more valid reason and for that reason I won't do that to my children.

But that wasn't supposed to be the focus of the thread.

I just can't see how to tell my dc's after all this time without it being and/or being percieved as spiteful.

Perhaps all you need to say is that "mummy got mardy with Daddy because he did some things he shouldn't have and he keeps lying about it"

If the press for more information tell them to ask Daddy what he did to make Mummy so mardy?

I think you sit them down, possibly separately, and just say that you want to explain something to them that is fairly sad, but it's important to you that they understand the break-up wasn't down to you.

You don't need to harp on, or over-egg it; just explain the truth clearly and quickly.

If they have questions later they'll ask.

They might be upset (and possibly not show it) so try to be reassuring. I've always let my DCs know that I will never, ever leave them and I will always, always be around for them, no matter what.

Perhaps all you need to say is that "mummy got mardy with Daddy because he did some things he shouldn't have and he keeps lying about it"

If the press for more information tell them to ask Daddy what he did to make Mummy so mardy?