Is he being tight? Money in a relationship and who pays what.

[secretcowgirl]

Hi I'm looking for some advice/thoughts about how you divide things up financially with bf's and what seems fair. I've been in a relationship with bf for over a year (we live apart). The thing is that i am a single mum working part time and struggling to pay mortgage on home previously shared with ex. Things are really tough recently, there is no disposable income once all the bills are paid and am having to be really careful about buying food and have had to give up wine :(
BF earns four times as much as me and expects that we go halves on everything. He has turned up at my house for the weekend in the past with red wine for himself and no white wine for me even though I have bought food/wine etc for both of us. Is this normal or is he a stingy tightwad??

Physically ill? Wow.... a parsimonious hypochondriac except when lavishing cash on himself. Pity your friend let him contaminate the gene pool.

"you need to make this as easy for yourself as possible, not trying to improve him."

Who says anything about trying to improve him? I saw the conversation going... 'You're cheap, miserable and selfish.... you're dumped'. A text message would do it, even.

In view of his tightness, you should dump him in the cheapest way possible. Quick text message should do it.

I second Corgito's text message. He deserves no more!!
Run for the hills and quick. Imagine if you had a dc with him.

Or dump him expensively. Take him to a posh restaurant. At the end of the meal tell him he's dumped and leave him to pick up the bill. Or is that too mean even for him. Seriously though, he's only going to get worse.

If it helps to put his behaviour into perspective, let me tell you about the guy I dated when I was in exactly the same position as you.
He would turn up for the weekend with wine for us both, flowers and treats for me (something simple like biscuits I liked but didn't buy often because I was putting the DCs first) and, groceries. I thought that was over the top but he used to say "I eat a lot! It's wrong that I should eat meals at your house for free all the time, so the least I can do is buy some bloody shopping every now and again. And if you refuse them, I can't stay here because I'd feel like I was scrounging."
Of course, I married him!!

Secretcowgirl, I agree with whoever said you can transfer one nutter/idiot for another. But once you "see" the light its alot easier all round. I actually reckon your radar is more finely tuned now, which is good news. I doubt you will be fooled so easily.

Another vote for the text message. However you do it, its a good feeling to take control.

Secretcowgirl Run for the hills. He is tighter than a gnats arse.

His father's just been rushed into intensive care and it sounds like he's not going to make it. Don't feel like i can dump him right now...

MushroomSoup good call! Its nice to know decent men do exist and they're not just a figment of my imagination. I want one like that!

I think it is the perfect opportunity to dump him.
Just say you understand that he needs time to concentrate on his family......Bye!

iknowwho, what a fabulous way to dump him. And it makes secretcowgirl look really considerate. Result!

(But remember to repeat it when he says he needs your support, because really he just means he wants you to ferry him to hospital rather than take a taxi/buy the flowers he takes to his father/make phonecalls from your landline to save his bills etc.)

I know this is an old conversation
However I felt I need to make my point of view.

Me being a previous emotionaly abuser & a tightwad.
I can agree with points however disagree with not talking and giving the person a chance to understand what he's doing wrong. ( if his only truly willing to change)

Myself I was horrible to women who I was romanticly envouled with and majority unbeknown too me in what I was doing being selfish, lazy and thinking of myself and my making her pay half. It took an affair from my gf to make me understand and the true fact. Which is I hated myself and the true person I was.
Now I know the biggest thing for is us is communication but true communication where we both listen and expect the other person points of view weather precived wrong or right. And sometimes what is said can be hard to take but I feel it's better out than in.

I no know that if this relaentship did end I could go on an be better person regardless.

It's not a competition who can be shittiest to each other. If you've been persuaded to take back an unfaithful woman just because you feel guilty about your own crappy behaviour then what you've got is a dysfunctional relationship based not on mutual respect or self-respect but on some idea of 'we're both as bad as each other'.... and that's bound to unravel eventually.

Be a decent person because it's the right thing to do. Don't wait for others to tell you what a decent person looks like.

tight as a cat's arse

so his father is very ill

why does that make you think you need to stay with someone who treats you with so little respect ?

he clearly needs to be there for his...so set him free now

for his dad

The original thread is from 2012.

Anyfucker, it's an old thread.

Zombie thread. Wonder what happened.

It got bumped by Scouser 32.... who I thought brought an interesting dimension.

bugger

I see that the OP was still with him the following year, and still unhappy.

Oh sod was just going to wade in this end strolls off deflated