Is he being tight? Money in a relationship and who pays what.

[secretcowgirl]

Hi I'm looking for some advice/thoughts about how you divide things up financially with bf's and what seems fair. I've been in a relationship with bf for over a year (we live apart). The thing is that i am a single mum working part time and struggling to pay mortgage on home previously shared with ex. Things are really tough recently, there is no disposable income once all the bills are paid and am having to be really careful about buying food and have had to give up wine :(
BF earns four times as much as me and expects that we go halves on everything. He has turned up at my house for the weekend in the past with red wine for himself and no white wine for me even though I have bought food/wine etc for both of us. Is this normal or is he a stingy tightwad??

It's obvious he's tighter than a gnat's arse. Ditch the anal retentive twunt, honey, otherwise he'll cost you a lot more than money.

Pm me his address and, for a modest 10% of the proceeds, the mumsnet crew will pop round and slit inspect his mattress

Awful . I hate meanness above anything (well most things)

Stingy, inconsiderate, and just-plain-bloody-rude-no-sodding-manners tightwad.

How DARE he turn up to yours for the weekend with red wine for him and no white wine for you. Bet you'd done dinner too. Fuming on your behalf.

Get rid and tell him why....the arsehole. I hate mean people!

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving&page=5

Cocklodger alert!

The link above is my experience with a financially abusive tightwad. I put up with it for 4 and a half years. Its the post by Dark Lady towards the end of the thread.

Definately a stingy tightwad, or a cocklodger as the wonderful MN saying goes.

Get rid and don't look back.

Jesus, not even a bottle of white for you? Ugh! Asshole!

OP get rid. Trust me it does not get better. today its tightwaddery. tomorrow its financial abuse.

Have another pancake... and thanks, don't mind if I do - it's what Monday nights are for.

Anyone else fancy a ?

Get rid. A friend wouldn't do that, never mind someone you're going out with. Can you imagine him saying, "Love, honour and cherish" when he's too tight to get a bottle of the wine you like, but is happy to treat himself?

I'd definitely break up with him. I remember dating someone when I was a poor student and we worked out that he earned five times as much as me so I paid for every sixth date. It meant I didn't feel like a sponge and he didn't have a girlfriend who could never go out because I was too poor.

As I got older that financial disparity lessened and I was able to pay my own way comfortably but I always thought it was a good way of divvying up the bills when people earn different amounts.

Dump the miserable fucker...and then bill him for every last bit of gas, electric, hot water, broadband, council tax, bogroll, food and water he's used. Cheeky fucker.

Don't mind if I do, izzy

I'm buying, tall - have as many as you want... we can repent at leisure another day

I do like your idea of an itemised bill. Don't forget to add twvat to his account, cowgirl.

Oh definitely bin this one. And remember for the future: often when you have had one abusive partner, your knob radar doesn't function very well. Abuser #1 was violent, so you don't want a violent man, so you take up with abuser#2 who is one of those who wants sex all the time and sulks and makes nasty remarks if you're not permanently up for it, and then you are looking out for both violence and a persistent penis, so you take up with a man who is mean with money or lazy round the house.... remember that if a man is unpleasant in any way, it;s fine to bin him. It's fine to be single. It's only worth being in a relationship with a man if doing so makes your life better all round.

You are all so right. He seemed so great at first because he was an improvement on the last one (not difficult). I think i overlooked inadequate behaviour for fear of being too 'demanding' or 'needy'. I once mentioned that i really liked flowers (gentle nudge) and he responded that he could never buy me flowers now because I'd asked for them!?! He did begrudgingly present me with a £3.00 bunch of supermarket flowers a few weeks later but this was the only time in 15 months. I think its time for him to go - just got to figure out what to say and when? (I find ending relationships really hard - hence 10yrs with emotional abuser) I am DETERMINED not to end up with another arsehole!

Bye !!!!!

Works for me

The deadliest four words on the planet...... "We need to talk...." I find everything flows naturally from there.

Make sure you don't talk though his faults, he will then start either justifying them and making you feel that actually you are the one in the wrong, or offer to change, which he might be able to do for a couple of months, but by September you'll be in this situation. If you stick to your guns if he offers to change, you will then feel bad that you've not "given him a chance". Just talk about you and your feelings, that you don't feel this is right for you. Not something he can 'fix' or argue against.

And do it today if you can, best get it over and done with once you've made the decision.

He is really stingy. Don't even think about moving in with somebody so mean with money. No wine for you as the hostess is just plain bad manners. he's awful.

"Make sure you don't talk though his faults"

I disagree with this. The whole reason he is about to get dumped is because he's selfish, mean and inconsiderate. I think he deserves to know that and, if he starts to backpedal, justify himself or tries to make the OP feel in the wrong, then she just dumps him a little bit quicker....

One of my friends has a husband who feels physically sick when they are eating a meal out that he is expected to pay for.... She basically has to pay when they are out or the evening is ruined.

Yet he spends a fortune on his hobby. He is also the first to accept invitations to dinners or parties that someone else is paying for.

She once justified it to me by saying that she gets the clubcard points if they use her credit card - I wonder who came up with that?

This was ok when she was earning a good wage and enjoying being able to treat her husband, but a few years down the line with part-time wages and children to feed and care for its not such an amusing foible.

Deck

And it's hardly a 'treat' when you have to pay or the other person feels ill - what a crock!

Well, in my experience, people like the OP who are used to being messed about and find the ending of a relationship hard, talking through faults will just mean he will defend himself or offer to change and the OP might start questioning her decision.

Eventually it helps the next woman to explain his faults if he goes away and reflects on them, but it won't help the OP - it just runs the risk making it harder for her to walk away. If this is the first time you've ended a relationship since ending an abusive one, you need to make this as easy for yourself as possible, not trying to improve him. I'd also suggest you don't hold this conversation in your home, you need to be able to walk away when you've had enough of it. You get to control the end of the conversation.