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Original poster

Future PIL problems.

41 replies

AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 21:01

I am sorry this is going to be a bit long I just don't want to drip feed. If there is something you want to ask though, feel free.

My DP and I have been together for 4 years this August. He's 25 and I am 22. He asked me to marry him last year and we were planning to get married next year on our 5th anniversary. We were friends before we started a relationship.

His parents have never really liked me. It started off about 2 or 3 years ago his mother randomly and unfoundedly accusing me of being a gold digger and after him for his money - where I had lent him more money than he had ever lent me thus completely poposterous. Then she stopped speaking him to partner because he forgot to tell her he was visiting me at my parents house a few years back. This was my fault apparently and they refused to speak to him for 4 months.

Since then they have recently decided to call me lazy. I'm looking for work and doing part time work/voluntary work at the moment and do pretty much all of the household stuff and they believe it as I've laid in late at his nans house where we normally stay when we visit his parents/family in general [so what if I sleep in til 11 or 12 on a Sunday every once in a while, jeez].

Then his Dad started effing and blinding at me because I brought up some washing as I was ill with the flu the week before and therefore wasn't able to iron it and DP said his Mum could do some. If he/she didn't want to do it they could've just said, instead of getting threatening with language and behaviour.

They openly tell my DP what to do and make comments like, 'She better not be pregnant' or 'you're not getting married yet'. My DP is scared to tell his parents we are planning to get married next year as he thinks they may stop talking to him completely. They actively insult me and only want to come up with me out the way. They are polite when I am there but you can tell they have no sincerity. I've always been very nice to them.

So what do I do?

I really want some advice as it's driving me insane and I love my DP very much but it's not my fault they don't like me. Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 22:58

Oh and forgot to mention his nan, aunts etc really like me [thankfully] have tried my best to be nice but dunno if can handle DPs parents always calling the shots on their grown son. Advice sure but not telling

OP posts:
Catsdontcare · 23/07/2012 23:02

Probably missing the point but why couldn't your dp do the ironing? Unless his mum offered it was a bit of a piss take to take it to her?

Pancakeflipper · 23/07/2012 23:05

You took your ironing to your future MIL's when she already is not your biggest fan? No wonder you are asking what to do for them to like you.

cocolepew · 23/07/2012 23:05

Umm I dont see why you thought it would be a good idea to take your ironing up.
Tell DP to man up or just not bother with them. You wouldnt let a random stranger insult you so why are they any different?

Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:10

cats we both had the flu and were bedridden pretty much. He thought his Mum wouldn't mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:12

pancake We were ill. DP thought his parents wouldn't mind and suggested it.

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Pancakeflipper · 23/07/2012 23:15

She is acting like no girl is good enough for her precious son and then the girl in question turns up with a laundry basket - adding fuel to her fire.

You need to tell your DP to be to grow some balls cos this will get worse if he doesn't have a word with them now.

ruddynorah · 23/07/2012 23:16

You sleep in til midday when visiting family?

Catsdontcare · 23/07/2012 23:18

Well that's the beauty of ironing it doesn't go anywhere just sits there waiting patiently until your well enough to get to it. If you were bed ridden you didn't need freshly ironed clothes. Sorry they sound mean but the ironing thing is barmy!

pictish · 23/07/2012 23:24

Hmmm I think you're getting a hard time needlessly here.
To be honest OP - I haven't much time for bed dwellers...I'm not up with the lark or owt, but it's a waste of a day to lie in bed till lunchtime imo. Even though it actually doesn't affect me in the slightest, I find it an annoying trait in others.
Not that I'd say anything mind you...as I said, it doesn't affect me. It's no reason for your pil to be rude. To each their own.

The ironing thing is a non issue. My mum would've done it and so would mil - no biggie. Hardly worth hurling sour tidings over.

You're right - they don't like you. Not sure there's much you can do. leave your dp to deal with them...don't put yourself up for shoddy treatment.

TheHappyHissy · 23/07/2012 23:27

You haven't got a PIL problem... You have a DH/P problem.

If he doesn't sort this out NOW, there's NO chance for your marriage.

Why would you want to have to deal with I'll like them? Life's too short to be with a weak man and psycho inlaws.

WinkyWinkola · 23/07/2012 23:28

I would just avoid involving them in your lives really. Don't tell them important stuff, don't ask any favours and just ignore any snippy comments.

In short, avoid being beholden to any of his family in any way at all. Make your own way in your married life, be polite and friendly but detach.

Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:29

I have a few times as DPs cousins always fight so like keeping out of it aka being upstairs when the shit hits the fan.

Yeah we were staying a few days and needed some clothes for when we got back. I offered to do it myself but because wasn't at home couldn't do it at home. Maybe its just I know my Mum would gladly help in this situa
Tion. I have no qualms about his Mum or Dad saying do you mind doing it yourself but calling me a fucking bitch and other things was waaay too much.

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Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:40

hissy Thanks I agree. He isn't weak as such he just doesn't like upsetting anybody. But he has put off wedding for a few years til they get used to it. Honestly though it is not their choice and they are hardly going to all of a sudden like me are they? I am by no means perfexct but hell...

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Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:43

pic i understand. During the week I get up at 7 or 7.30 and 9.00 or 9.30 most of the time. It is once in a blue moon I actually sleep in that late unless didn't sleep until 5am or ill. It is usually family fighting downstairs so I very slowly get up.

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Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 23/07/2012 23:44

winky i hope we can they just tell him what they think is right and give him little room to disagree.

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pictish · 23/07/2012 23:49

Right. If my husband stood by and let his parents speak to me like I was a smear of shit, because he doesn't like upsetting anybody...I would NOT be pleased.
That's not what I'm about, or what I'm here for.

Thay sound like a bunch of animals, and I'd be well off out of it.

pictish · 23/07/2012 23:51

they tut

StarryCole · 24/07/2012 00:08

AltruisticEnigma - Your man needs to stick up for you so you feel supported and needs to make a stand to your parents NOW i.e. 'Thanks for the advice, but no thanks. I'm marrying my wife and that's the END of it. '

Drop all favours from your inlaws - it's not worth the hassle.

If you don't show a united front, life will be a lot more unpleasant for you with your inlaws and you and your partner will end up hating each other.

Sorry to be so blunt but this needs to be a wakeup call for your partner to support you. End of.

Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 24/07/2012 00:12

I agree, Starry and see what you mean, Pic.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 24/07/2012 09:29

Unless your P stands up for you NOW, goes PUBLIC with the wedding, your lives and TELLS them to STFU or stay away from the pair of you, your relationship is DOOMED tbh. He has to show YOU and his godforesaken family that he will go to the ends of the earth for YOU and that if they don't like it, that's THEIR issue.

You say he doesn't want to upset anyone, but he's happy to sit by and watch you be insulted called a Fucking Bitch? Shock

It's OK for YOU to be upset is it? ShockShock

As I said, what he is, is not someone who doesn't want to upset anyone, he doesn't want to go against his Mum & Dad. Still. At his age.

He's WEAK.

elizaregina · 24/07/2012 09:53

unfortunatly op - unless you plan to move away etc, as others have said - life with weak man and in laws who dont like you IS miserable.

If he can defend you - put you first - say - " ok dont talk to me just because I am with the woman I love fine bugger off" and mean it and stick to it - great ...if not.....

its going to be like being married to all of them im afraid....constantly there - always making negative remarks, even if you dont care or listen its just a horrid negativity to have needlessly in your life.

DontmindifIdo · 24/07/2012 10:03

The problem is, you are both still acting a bit like children, so they haven't made the mental leap to treat you like adults. As an adult, you don't take the ironing round to someone else to do, unless you are a) paying htem or b) they offered. You don't sleep in until noon at someone else's house - you just don't.

the best way to get them to see you as adults is to in all ways you talk to them, act round them etc you are seen to be acting like independant adults.

As for the wedding, I really think you shouldn't announce it until you've got a job - you should make sure you aren't expecting them to pay for it even partially (I'm assuming the money isn't in place already). If your parents are going to pay, then you might still get lots of comments about the fact that you are having a 'fancy wedding when not working'.

You might find a lot of the issues will disappear when you have a job, and are obvioulsy coping without any help from either set of parents - and even if they then still don't like you, you will at least have taken the moral high ground.

DontmindifIdo · 24/07/2012 10:06

sorry, posted too soon -

you also shouldn't be planning a wedding with a man who doesn't see you as the most important person in his life. If he's not prepared to stand up for you, then you should give up your idea of getting married on your 5th anniversary - you need to be 100% certain he will put you first. Don't rush into this just because of a self imposed deadline - if FIL called me a 'fucking bitch' DH would hit the roof and we wouldn't see them again until they appologised. There is no way he'd put up with that from his parents or anyone.

Original poster
AltruisticEnigma · 24/07/2012 12:19

dont i know what you mean but we are very independant. We have a gflat together, i do v work twice a week and next month work 1 or 2 days paid a week. We do not in any way act like children - their comments and attitudes are more like children. As we were ill we were both bedridden had a few days worth of clothes but needed clothes for when we got back. He thought his parents wouldn't mind as we would gladly do it for them. We are both visually impaired too which can be a pain. I stay ustairs due to fighting around at the families house. Why get involved in that? I would rather not. I agree he needs to put me first and usually does. My Mum is worried too because she has had it with my Dads parents - long story. I honestly don't think I have done anything to warrant dislike.

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