Future PIL problems.

[AltruisticEnigma]

I am sorry this is going to be a bit long I just don't want to drip feed. If there is something you want to ask though, feel free.

My DP and I have been together for 4 years this August. He's 25 and I am 22. He asked me to marry him last year and we were planning to get married next year on our 5th anniversary. We were friends before we started a relationship.

His parents have never really liked me. It started off about 2 or 3 years ago his mother randomly and unfoundedly accusing me of being a gold digger and after him for his money - where I had lent him more money than he had ever lent me thus completely poposterous. Then she stopped speaking him to partner because he forgot to tell her he was visiting me at my parents house a few years back. This was my fault apparently and they refused to speak to him for 4 months.

Since then they have recently decided to call me lazy. I'm looking for work and doing part time work/voluntary work at the moment and do pretty much all of the household stuff and they believe it as I've laid in late at his nans house where we normally stay when we visit his parents/family in general [so what if I sleep in til 11 or 12 on a Sunday every once in a while, jeez].

Then his Dad started effing and blinding at me because I brought up some washing as I was ill with the flu the week before and therefore wasn't able to iron it and DP said his Mum could do some. If he/she didn't want to do it they could've just said, instead of getting threatening with language and behaviour.

They openly tell my DP what to do and make comments like, 'She better not be pregnant' or 'you're not getting married yet'. My DP is scared to tell his parents we are planning to get married next year as he thinks they may stop talking to him completely. They actively insult me and only want to come up with me out the way. They are polite when I am there but you can tell they have no sincerity. I've always been very nice to them.

So what do I do?

I really want some advice as it's driving me insane and I love my DP very much but it's not my fault they don't like me. Please help!

*flat. Sorry am on the iPhone at the moment!

I'm sure you haven't. I'm afraid it's just the way it goes.

My fil doesn't like me and never has. We are polar opposites in every conceivable way. I have always maintained a pleasant, friendly and respectful manner about him, and he has no reason as such to not like me - he just doesn't though.

I gave up agonising over it quite a long time ago - there was clearly no 'making' him like me, as I had always been as welcoming to him as I could be...so these days I simply let dh deal with him, and go along to things I am expected to attend, while gritting my teeth and making nice.
No-one could ever accuse me of deserving it or joining in, and that's good enough for me.

I sure as living fuck would not sit there and have him verbally abuse me. If he treated me like that, I would simply refuse to see him....and my dh, I know for a fact, would never try and make me, or attempt to excuse it.

As it is my husband recognises and acknowledges the dynamic between his father and I, and he respects my decision to avoid him wherever possible, as I strive to deflect any further animosity while maintaining my right not to choose to be in the company of someone makes me feel bad.

If I were you OP, I'd simply opt out of it. Weddings, funerals, anniversaries and the odd dinner you can endure, but staying over, listening to them fight downstairs and being verbally abused?? You don't have to go along for the ride. No-one expects you to - so don't.

Pictish,

I have had horrendous probs with my PILS and although after many years we are now at a stage where I can literally forget about them ( ie, no interferance from them in our lives), even when a funeral came up last year - my DH and I ended up on diazpam from the stress....as they were so horrid and bullying to us.

Great - able to forget about them again, but then came, a relative visiting, the PILS stuck oar in, phone calls, emails, knocking on front door....being intrusive, couldnt get in the car without thinking - will they spring us! GREAT, got through that.....now GRANNY is coming!!!!

I am lucky, I trust my DH I know he loves me and stands by me, and also has sufferd horrendoulsy at hands at DP's, we are on the same page as it were....but its still hard!

OP must make sure her DP is on her side - and wants the same things....I have happily stayed at home whilst DH has gone back home to have larger family dinners, christmas eve, easter etc....but now we have a DC, its not easy being at home while he takes DD over there....

Exactly.

So when he visits his parents I go up to mine, or my sisters. Or stay in our flat and sort some stuff out and invite the girls over. I just always dread seeing them and feel quite anxious about it and it really shouldn't be that way.

I'd be mortified if DP felt that way about my parents .

Exactly.

But I love him and I know although it comes across like he doesn't take my emotions into account, he's usually so caring and knows/understands me so well. It's only his parents. I honestly think due to their volatile tempers that he's scared of them.

I don't think he'd ever admit it, though. :/

Well then I would suggest that you get some couples counselling maybe via Relate before you plan your wedding. Because if he won't ultimately choose you over your parents then I'm afraid there is no future for your relationship.

I know... It's so gutting though, because he is the best man ever and I'm not just saying that. :)

I'm not up with the lark or owt, but it's a waste of a day to lie in bed till lunchtime imo. Even though it actually doesn't affect me in the slightest, I find it an annoying trait in others.

I work 60 paid hours a week around running a rotary club, running a cake decorating business, looking after DD and running our house. DH works about paid 70 hours a week plus grows our own veg.

If you think the fact that we lie in until 11am sometimes at MILs means we're lazy, be my fucking guest...

Congratulations - you're a shining example to us all. Have a chocolate medal.

Sounds exhausting. Just someone deciding to judge others on their ideals. I don't mind. Irts interesting to know all different viewpoints.

I think you should let go of the idea of getting married on your 5 year anniversary. It seems rather pressured - if you want to get married in under a year's time, you need to start booking venues now, paying deposits etc, it then get's harder to say "actually, I'm not 100% certain, can we just carry on as we are for a bit".

I see how you mean. We both want to get married on our anniversary. Hopefully our 6 year anniversary which is 25 months time :(

Thanks for the great advice everyone :)

pic whoah?

Oh btw fiances brothers girlfriend is pregnant, we just found out tonight. Guess what? His parent's don't mind.

fucking biased twats. Considering I'm not even sure if I can have kids but if I do their opinions will mean as little as a broken promise.

Sorry about the reopening and reventing on this thread justs pisses me off slightly majorly.

Hope everyone is doing well :)

Keep talking if it helps, you have every right to be pissed off tbh!

Detach and distance yourselves from them.