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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know if I can do this anymore

48 replies

rotool · 23/07/2012 20:14

How do you carry on when he turns your kids against you, is totaly in control of your life and you have no where to turn where he can't get at you and take the kids. Can I go, will he win 50/50 in court and if he does how do I support myself when I can only work part time, won't get all the tax credits and no money from him. he works for his father and gets paid regardless and has his parents looking after the kids when he is working. Will I have to stay in this forever? I can't do this. He is keeping the kids from me as much as he can, brings them to the house to feed them and put them to bed when I haven't seen them all day and he goes out every night. They hate me. My life is pointless.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 20:19

How has this happened? Are you different cultures?

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:21

no, he just has control of everything. I am to scared to go.I can't stay.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/07/2012 20:21

Have you contacted womans aid? They may be able to help you. I hope others have some advice. Really feel for you, please keep posting, I'm sure someone can help you x

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 20:22

I second women's aid...

izzyizin · 23/07/2012 20:22

How old are your dc?

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:26

6 and 8. I have been told by the domestic violence unit that as we are not married I have full parental responsibility but that will mean nothing to him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2012 20:30

Are you in the UK then?

You arrange with womans aid to just go one day, literally take nothing but essential paperwork and go somewhere else, relocate.

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:35

can I do this when he hasn't hit me?

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 23/07/2012 20:40

Yes abuse doesn't have to be physical, mental abuse can be even worse. You have been very brave to recognise you want to get out of this relationship. You now need help to do it.

Women's aid is the best place for you to contact.

RandomMess · 23/07/2012 20:41

The fact he is alienating your dc from you is very abusive towards you and THEM, yes they will help you.

Sounds like you need to get far far away if you can so that when contact occurs it won't be on a 50/50 basis and restricted to weekends and holidays with midweek evening contact if he is prepared to travel to do so.

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:44

I am so scared, his solicitor has written to me and said that if I try and take them out of the area he will take me to court to stop me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2012 20:50

You need to speak to womans aid.

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 20:51

Are you together? why would his solicitor write that? Have you told him you want to leave?

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 20:52

And what do they mean by 'area'?

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:53

I will try them now. My dc's will hate me more taking them away, I am frightend of their reaction and how I will explain everything to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 20:58

I have told him I want to leave but you have no idea how hard he is making it.
We are still living in the same house we own together less than a minute away from his parents. I want to go to my mums and start again there but he will stop me. I can't believe my only way to be free of him is to go to a refuge.I am not materialistic but my dc's have an almost charmed life with ponies and quad bikes etc, i feel so selfish but so worried about the damage he is doing to them. They said to me tonight that I have no rights and that i cause trouble. They are so young and don't know what this means but to hear them say it to you infron of their father who says nothing hurts so much. I do not smack, I shout sometimes but I am a good mum.

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 23/07/2012 20:59

They won't hate you when they find out what's been going on. Who knows what's he's told them.

Actions speak louder than words. Show them you want to be their mum and you love them.

RandomMess · 23/07/2012 21:06

What your ex and his parents are doing to them is very very emotionally abusive and damaging Sad

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 21:11

You can go to a refuge and then when you have legal advise, move on to your mums

He will be watching you and waiting for you to move..be careful, this is the most dangerous time.

How far away is your mums? Please ensure you delete Internet history

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 21:14

My mum is about 45 mins away. I have my own lap top and it is passworded so he can not use it. He has taped all my incoming and outgoing calls so I dare not use the land line anymore. He as had me followed and folled me himself but never been violent towards me.
I can't get through to womens aid.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2012 21:16

OMG Sad how awful.

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 21:35

This is quite chilling

Keep a mobile with you at all times. Do you have a car?

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 21:36

Yes I have a car and keep my keys with me all the time. I keep my phone with me too, I don't feel strong enough to fight anymore.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2012 21:37

Have you posted before, a year or so agon?

If not there has been someone on here in a very very similar situation...

Original poster
rotool · 23/07/2012 21:39

yes I have posted before...I am still trying to leave,it's hard to explain why but he is in control and I just do as he says.

OP posts: