Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice wanted: Mother Daughter Relationship - what's normal?

28 replies

bigbaubleeyes · 05/03/2006 22:49

I have negative feelings towards my mother and then feel guitly - Is this normal?
She upsets and annoys me - I don't know where to begin there seems so much stuff. Angry
She isn't a bad person she is kind, generous and thoughtful but can be so dammed negative, insensitive and difficult.

No I do not talk to her about how I feel as it would upset her if I told her some of the stuff thats bubbling away. This has all got worse since I had DS recently (first). My DH argrees with some of the stuff.

After family visit today DH has even suggested private counselling - has anyone else done this?
She has me demented. I tell myself that there are people out there who had/have abusive mums etc and that I should be grateful as she is not any of these IYKWIM.

Help me get some perspective on this please Sad

OP posts:
overdraft · 05/03/2006 22:53

my mum is very negative and really gets me down.Don't feel guilty your are different people and that is the way it is.Yes I love my mumdearly but can't spend more than a couple of hours with her as she sucks my positive energy away.I have had counselling about this too.Go for it if it is really that bad.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 05/03/2006 23:00

I can't tell yout the relief it is to read our post overdraft. I have started to feel tha I am not normal. Sapping of positive energy rings a bell.

OP posts:
overdraft · 05/03/2006 23:06

the counselling did help me.I used to feel angry at her for making me feel the way she does.It is just the way she is.I cope with it now by not seeing her as often as i would like.Also if she is on the phone or talking to her i change the subject and say " i went here or there and had really good fun".I tell her about all the good things that happen to me.This does tend to curb her a bit.I know how you feel guilty though.One of my best friends lost her mum 9 years ago and misses her so much and i moan about a negative mum.Every problem is a problem to the person it belongs to

overdraft · 05/03/2006 23:07

got to go to bed now but will speak to you tomorrow. take care x overdraft x

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 05/03/2006 23:19

Thank you, goodnight. Smile

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 06/03/2006 06:53

It all is very normal to me - seems a fair number of women on here have toxic parents (particularly Mothers) for parents.

Have counselling by all menas but would would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. This goes into some lengths as to how and why such people behave as toxic as they do.

lilybird · 06/03/2006 09:00

i to,am having difficulties with my mum, we have always been very close like friends, but she is so hard & insenitive it really upsets me.
if i'm having a bad time with dd all she'll say is 'that's what you get when you have kids!' which doesn't really help!!
dh seems to think she is jealous of me, i can't see that side of it.
but you know when you have that feeling that things are coming to a head? well i've got that feeling!

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 15:21

Thanks meeker, I'll look that up on amazon.

Lily - i have that very feeling too thats what prompted my discussion with DH lastnite and starting this thread. There has been no obvious incident that has caused upset but its all these little things that are gathering steam its getting harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut - I find it hard to believe at the moment how it can be normal to be so intensly irritated by her.

She is due on Wednesday evening to look after DS early thursday - its a must i have to go on a course - this iirates me also as i am at her mercy for this aggghhhh!!!!!.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 15:21

sorry 'meerkat'

OP posts:
RedZuleika · 06/03/2006 17:54

My first reaction on reading your thread title was 'hollow laughter'...

I have absolutely no idea what's normal - I just know that I can't put up my relationship with both my parents any longer. I think having children makes you examine your own experience of parenting: I hate to be a cliche, but that's certainly what's brought things to a head in my case.

Freckle · 06/03/2006 18:01

Bear in mind that people are different. Some we get on with, others we can't stand. Problem is with family you get what you're given and you can't choose whether to have a relationship with them or not. Well, you can choose to sever your contact or limit it, but you can't change the fact that someone is your mum or brother, etc.

Clearly, your mum is someone who you probably wouldn't choose to have as a friend (although we behave differently towards friends, so who knows). You feel guilty because we all have this rose-tinted view of what a relationship between a parent and child should be and you realise that yours isn't like that and therefore it must be your fault. It isn't. It's just that your mum is someone who you might not have chosen to have a relationship with, but one has been forced on you.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 18:12

Yes I agree with all that Freckle though i suppose its the 'conditional' vs 'unconditional'. It kinda hurts to think I wouldn't chose her as a friend because she's my mam and i think this is whrein the pressure lies: Indeed I DO feel like it should be this and it should be that.

I posted on 'she's at grandpa's house thread - the thought of DS staying over and her doing/giving things to him against our wishes horrifies me.

This stuff has been brought to ahead after having DS as someone said on other thread. Basically in the last few years there has been two weddings and two grandchildren born and i have seen a more than less likable side to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 18:16

Red - sorry it was you who said about becomming a parent.

How do you 'police' your childrens relationship/staying over with your parents? - If indeed you do.

Have you had the massive falling out or are you about to? is it worth it? - saying stuff to her is something I have resisted so far but i wouldn't know where to start?

OP posts:
lilybird · 06/03/2006 18:24

i had a massive bust up with my mum last year over family stuff (her family has favourites which isn't us, it's gone on through the generations & now is effecting the great grandchildren which i spoke upabout)
in the end i was begging my mum to make up with me cos i just hated the not speaking. all she kept saying was how upset SHE was, so one day she rang me and said 'i've been told to make it up with you, so we better had hadn't we??!!!' no sorry or nothing (my dad had seen how upset i was & asked her ring me.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 18:46

I'm scared to fall out with her - I know she would be very hurt and i would have to spend ages 'counselling' her while we made op. (She has lived on her pwn for 10 years now and relies on me for a lot of advice and emotinal support) I think I am also scared that i might go too far and say too much.

LILY did you not tell her you needed her to say sorry sincerely and di you forgive her?

MN'ers it UPSETS me to do this but I'm going for it here is an list of things that upset/worry me:

SadIs negative generally herself and me
AngryComplains extensively about SIL and her mother i get it all dumpd on me
AngryRegulary puts me down or has 'quips' at my expense: not treated like a guest at my house when i had ran around like mad she never lifted a finger (this was said in front of people who don't know me - I'm quite house proud and love to cook)
AngryJealous for having friendship with someone similiar to her age (my exes parents)
AngrySuffers low self esteem and sometimes picks falt ith other people which i think is childish bitching
Angry another example is she sent pic msges when we had lost a baby of nephew a few days later and wasn't happy when I said something to her - I ended up feeling bad for upsetting her when she was clearly in the wrong.

I'm sorry this is really depressing me and i need to get it sorted I am otherwise very happy with DH and DS (both snoogled up on sofa)

OP posts:
lilybird · 06/03/2006 18:51

why don't you arrange to meet and have a 'heart to heart' or would that make it worse?
i was scared to really tell my mum how upset i was and a few home truths, because at the end of the day i didn't want to fall out (which we did anyway) and not speak for years.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 18:59

I was hoping by comming on here and maybe seaking other sources of help I could get some perspective and just deal with. She has no idea I think all these things. I was also hoping to find ways to be polite but firm at the time she says/does something to send subtly messages - Or am I living in fairytale land?
Because lately I have been looking for such opportunties to do this it makes me stressed and snappy which makes me feel like a right cow Sad

OP posts:
Dior · 06/03/2006 19:05

Don't feel bad for feeling this way. It is possible that counselling would help you feel less guilty about her. I had counselling because of my depression, and both times she was the main source of topic! You say she did/does not abuse you, but her behaviour is a sort of abuse.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 19:23

Well I hate to admit to such a label but you may be right - when does selfishness and insensitivity get so bad that equals abuse? I don't know.

There was a thread last week about someone who threatend to take their bably bahevaed child to a childrens home - this rung alarm bells she did this also. So many things I look back on and think well thats the way things were then and she brought us up on her own it must of been difficult etc. But how much is generational and higher epxectations in terms of political correctness and anit smacking laws etc of nowadays?

OP posts:
eemie · 06/03/2006 19:43

Sorry about your baby. My Mum was staggeringly insensitive when we lost our twins and I know that she has no idea how awful she was. She has complained bitterly to me about people who said and did just the same when she was widowed (it was an awful marriage and they had been separated for five years) and she sees no parallel with her own behaviour at all.

Counselling could be very interesting for you. It could help you to deal with the burden of having to provide her with emotional support while getting none from her.

I think it would be useless to try to confront my mother but I have been helped a lot by counselling. Being able to think about her effect on me and understand it makes it much easier to bear. Our relationship has improved as a result.

Original poster
bigbaubleeyes · 06/03/2006 20:04

Thanks eemie its reassuring. I know that she says good things about me to others and there is absolutely no intent to upset me which is why I think i should just deal with.

OP posts:
Helli · 03/11/2006 10:28

Although I recognised the fact that my mum has had a difficult life (she makes sure everyone is informed about that), I only have a relationship with her out of duty. I never enjoy visiting her, I'm always very tense when I do so, I don't agree with her worldview or her way of behaving, and frankly in my dark moments I even wish she was dead. Still I go through all the necessary motions, never or very rarely argue with her and visit at regular intervals. Anger is always simmering in me and I'm very happy we don't live in the same country.

mateychops · 03/11/2006 11:28

BBE, I have a good relationship with my mum, but although I love him with all my heart, I don't really like my dad as a person. We don't see each other very often, but he's a great grandad. However, he's all the man he's going to be, and there's nothing I can do to change him. All I can say, in support of your OP, is that you can't change someone, but you can learn from your relationship with them. For example, I recognise some of his personality traits in me. I therefore try to block some of these faults, to make sure that I don't develop into a mini-him. I also make sure that I'm really positive around him and about him with my kids, so that although my rose coloured glasses are well and truly smashed, my kids still have and will have good memories of him. Sorry, really deep, but I don't think you should beat yourself up about your mum.

Judy1234 · 03/11/2006 11:58

Can you not just see less of her? Mine was always difficult and she died 2 years ago tomorrow but lived a distance away so we didn't have to have much contact which really solved the problem. She wasn't negative though. She'd ring up and say what a good job I was doing with the children and support my decisions and choices. Just made my father's life a misery and sometimes was difficult.

Pages · 03/11/2006 15:20

I don't know whether it would help you to read my thread, but I have recently been through a very difficult time with my mother and have come to realise that there is a lot of negative about her despite all the generous things she has on occasion done and I have had huge guilt feelings but I do feel better for having confronted her, although it has changed things for ever.

The book Meerkats recommends was very interesting and helpful for me to read. I am rubbish at links, sorry, but my thread is entitled "would you cut your mother out of your life?" and I think was last posted on here in September.