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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has a new female friend on facebook and im very scared and anxious!

34 replies

Mrsjaffacake · 23/07/2012 13:01

Bit of background first. DH has previous form whereby he has joined dating dites, webcam sex, inappropriate relations with women online both with random women and real life women. He had an online affair when our daughter was first born which lasted about 8 months. We nearly split up! At the time and after he refused to discuss why he did the things he did. Just said he was confused and would never want to confess to anything.

Fast forward to now as it says in my post this young girl is now a friend on his fb. She is more than twenty years younger and very pretty and single. They have a mutal male friend in common.

I feel sick and am shaking this has brought it all up for me. At the moment I have not mentioned this girl to him or asked questions etc. Im also angry that s man who has previous eould be do stupid and rest temptation to flirt etc eith her and risk our marriage?!

However I realise I should learn to trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsjaffacake · 23/07/2012 13:02

So sorry for my typos everybody.

OP posts:
RealityStrikesAgain · 23/07/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doinmummy · 23/07/2012 13:04

It's not so much that you need to trust him as he needs to earn your trust.

After his previous carryings on I'd be furious.

He should realise that this is just not on.

I'd definatley tackle him on it if I were you.

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 13:04

Have they 'interacted' yet?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2012 13:05

Why is it your job to 'learn to trust' a man that has a track record of online affairs, cybersex, real life affairs who doesn't discuss, doesn't confess and doesn't give you any reason to trust him? No wonder you're feeling sick and shaking because you realise that you've been made a fool of.... again. He's not reformed, he doesn't care what you think, doesn't care about your marriage. He's going down exactly the same road as before because, from his point of view, nothing bad happens no matter how badly he behaves.

Get shot....

Losingitall · 23/07/2012 13:06

Bollocks to that. There's a difference between having female friends on facebook, and having a "friend" that he was unfaithful to you with.

Completely unnaceptable, he's a twunt!

Have you spoken to him?

tribpot · 23/07/2012 13:06

I realise I should learn to trust him.

Why should you? When he has previous, frankly appalling form, and really hasn't shown any remorse or understanding about his poor behaviour in the past.

I don't think you need necessarily to accuse him of wrongdoing but you should probably tell him this friendship has triggered a lot of memories and feelings of insecurity, although presumably his reaction will be (again) to refuse to discuss anything about the past. How convenient for him ...

GentleLentilWeaver · 23/07/2012 13:09

He hasn't helped you to learn to trust him sweetheart, because he never really acknowledged the reasons for his affair, accepted that is was his problem, and worked to eradicate in himself the mindset/thinking habits that led to him behaving as he did. No wonder you are in bits now - all of it has not been resolved at all.

I would read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and try and get a dialogue going with him about the initial affairs/indiscretions. You need to work through what happened as a couple, only then can you be expected to learn to trust him again. I'd strongly recommend counselling together (if he will agree) or alone (if he refuses to go0.

If it wasn't for all that I'd say you were being overly paranoid, but he obviously has form and you are still reeling from what happened before. Only thing I would say is this woman may well be a red herring and has probably done nothing wrong herself. There may be nothing developing between them. But it has raised old unfinished business for you (quite rightly, you can't slam a lid on past happenings and expect it all to go away; it will fester and still be there when you next look) and you have to address the previous behaviour before you can know if you will ever be able to trust him again, or whether the relationship is dead for you and if you would be better letting it go.
Best of luck.

LookBehindYou · 23/07/2012 13:11

I agree it's not on. Tell him that you find him being friends with a female inappropriate and upsetting because of what happened before. He should understand completely. Try not to think around the subject - just be clear with him that you don't like it.

GentleLentilWeaver · 23/07/2012 13:13

Sorry, I missed that the person she's just friended is the person he has an EA with. Is that right? In which case, even worse! That's terrible and very disrespectful, as is all of his past behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2012 13:17

He's taking the piss...

MorrisZapp · 23/07/2012 13:18

He won't change :(

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/07/2012 13:19

They have a mutal male friend in common.

Some people just 'collect' friends on FB; everyone now and again I acquire a stray (mainly because I game a lot) but they soon go in the bin!

I'm a bit lost reading the OP and everyones comments - where does it say the young girl he befriended is someone he previously had an EA with?

izzyizin · 23/07/2012 13:23

I realise I should learn to trust him What's to trust?

You're married to a duplicitous, deceitful, lying philanderer who has repeatedly proved that he's untrustworthy.

Instead of learning to trust him, learn something useful like another language or how to gain sufficient self-respect to end your sham of a marriage and divorce the twat.

Offred · 23/07/2012 13:23

More than twenty years younger than him? How old was she when he was grooming her then?! Sad

You absolutely must get away from this horrible man. Absolutely don't "learn to trust" him. He is not trustworthy and he has not even been honest about the things he has done. He has zero respect for you.

Losingitall · 23/07/2012 13:24

JUMPING:

He had an online affair when our daughter was first born which lasted about 8 months. We nearly split up! At the time and after he refused to discuss why he did the things he did. Just said he was confused and would never want to confess to anything.

Fast forward to now as it says in my post this young girl is now a friend on his fb. She is more than twenty years younger and very pretty and single

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/07/2012 13:27

I was confused because you changed ID from Mrsjaffacake to losingitall Blush

Well, given his past, not many women would stick round really. But it's always easy to say 'you should do this' when you aren't directly involved in the relationship. TBH, unless he's minted and has the sexual prowess of Casanova, then only you know why you are in the relationship and whether you can put up with his infidelities.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2012 13:31

(I didn't read that there was an EA connection either JTH...) The problem here is that the OP has zero peace of mind and yet, for some bizarre reason, thinks it's her fault for not learning to trust. Because of the husband's track record, every time he has anything to do with a woman, she will be on pins wondering what he's up to. If he goes out to a pub, a business meeting, gets a new friend on FB or simply looks at a passer-by with interest, she'll be feeling sick and shaking. It doesn't actually matter if it's an irrational response, this is how the OP's life is .... and it's a shit, shit life that you wouldn't wish on anyone.

Some people make life after affairs work but not when the serial shagger refuses to cooperate...

tribpot · 23/07/2012 13:34

I don't think LosingItAll is MrsJaffaCake. LosingItAll was just quoting the two parts from the original post that made her think the girl was the original EA partner.

However, I don't think "this girl" is meant to be taken as "the girl with whom he had the EA" but rather "some girl", i.e. someone the OP doesn't know.

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/07/2012 13:40

Im confused all the more now.

"this girl" isn't "the girl" from the EA? She's just a random on FB?

Lets get the girl out of the equation. Because she isn't your problem at all. Your problem as cognito summarised is that you cannot hope to live a happy life if you are suspicious, with good reason, and untrusting. It will eat you away.

But only the OP knows why she - at the moment - needs this man in her life, or is reliant on him. Could be 1001 reasons why she hasn't told him to sling his hook.

Original poster
Mrsjaffacake · 23/07/2012 13:42

Ok firstly sorry if you thought this girl was online affair dhe isnt same one just to clarify. This just rehashes the fear and anxiety that he will be tempted again online. To be fair she only has 11 friends on fb. As yet I dont know who requested who? She has mixture of msle and femsle friends recently added. Im guessing she may have added him. Im fairly sure she is innocently starting out on fb collecting friends etc. He however will probsbly have other ideas of their online "friendship". I want to have faith in him I really do......... but im sick with worry as how to handle this. I dont want to over react. As far as im aware they have NEVR met in real life... ye

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 23/07/2012 13:46

jaffa can I ask you a very pointed and direct question?

Read back your first paragraph of your OP - then tell us exactly why you are still with him.

One misdemeanor I could probably get past. Two would have me reaching for the rusty teaspoon to cut his knackers off. But I realise not everyone harbours the same sadistic tendencies I do {wink]

tribpot · 23/07/2012 13:46

The overreaction isn't to her, though - this reaction was bound to occur at some point. It's to do with the fact the two of you have never dealt with his infidelities because he refused to do so.

You feel you must have faith in him. Why?

Looksgoodingravy · 23/07/2012 13:48

Mrs JC, it's understandable that you feel the way you do and your dh should respect this especially with his track record, I would talk to him about the way you feel. Boundaries should be up and everything should be open to you, do you have access to his fb account?

izzyizin · 23/07/2012 13:49

With going into fine detail, what we have here is a DH who has previous form whereby he has joined dating dites, webcam sex, inappropriate relations with women online both with random women and real life women and now he's at it again.

What are you hoping to gain from posting here, MrsJaffacake?

I very much doubt that you'll find anyone queuing up to give you lessons in how to trust your not so 'd' h, and I suspect you're more likely to be told he's the one that needs to learn to stop following his dick.

It seems to me that in refusing to discuss his behavour he is giving you a choice, namely, take it or leave it and, in the immortal words of mumsnet, you're best advised to leave the bastard.