DH has a new female friend on facebook and im very scared and anxious!

[Mrsjaffacake]

Bit of background first. DH has previous form whereby he has joined dating dites, webcam sex, inappropriate relations with women online both with random women and real life women. He had an online affair when our daughter was first born which lasted about 8 months. We nearly split up! At the time and after he refused to discuss why he did the things he did. Just said he was confused and would never want to confess to anything.

Fast forward to now as it says in my post this young girl is now a friend on his fb. She is more than twenty years younger and very pretty and single. They have a mutal male friend in common.

I feel sick and am shaking this has brought it all up for me. At the moment I have not mentioned this girl to him or asked questions etc. Im also angry that s man who has previous eould be do stupid and rest temptation to flirt etc eith her and risk our marriage?!

However I realise I should learn to trust him.

Yes your right the new friend isnt the main problem. She is a reminder of bad past errors made by my then boyfriend and live in lover (before marriage).

The two real life situations were a crush on a young girl at work. Another crush on a neighbour who has since moved. The ex neighbour told another neighbour how my hubby made her feel uncomfortable!! To this day there are things I may never know about what did or didnt happen but im sure it was alot to do with her being lonely single parent and an over familar friendship which after I gave birth was confusing for my husband. Hope thst makes sense?

Im thinking of asking him the question" why do you need her on your fb? What are you hopeing to gain from this friendship exactly?"

Yes she isnt my problem nut how he reacts to my questions may indicate if he has learnt from his mistakes or not? I feel he honestly hasnt thought it through because for him im sure he hasnt done any wrong...............yet!

Except that your husband is the constant in all the situations you describe. You don't trust him because he isn't trustworthy and he doesn't respect you because he won't tell you what went on.

It is pointless asking him anything. He has added her, if you pester him he will carry on doing things but just secretly. The whole point is that he is not trustworthy and you don't trust him so why carry on flogging a dead horse and getting upset about this girl, you won't believe him whatever he says. He won't tell you if he is doing or thinking something so why bother, he has never been honest or respectful so he isn't going to start now.

'The ex neighbour told another neighbour how my hubby made her feel uncomfortable!! ... im sure it was alot to do with her being lonely single parent and an over familar friendship which after I gave birth was confusing for my husband.'

In what sense was your husband confused? If he felt the neighbour was coming onto him then surely his only appropriate course of action would have been to step back?

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

He doesn't deserve you.
You can only learn to trust him if he behaves in a way that deserves your trust.
He is doing that.

With his history (the awful behaviour that you have already accepted) he should be spending every moment proving to you that you are the love of his life.

To add other women on social networking sites, an act that he knows will upset and worry you, is unkind, arrogant and stupid.

Of course men and women can be friends. It just sounds like your husband can't be just friends.

Don't focus on this woman, she isn't the problem.

Your husband is being an ignorant twunt.

I'm so sorry you're stuck having to deal with this whilst he carries on deliberately ignoring your sadness and heartbreak, and behaving exactly as he pleases.

"I feel he honestly hasnt thought it through because for him im sure he hasnt done any wrong...............yet!"

Oh, he'll have thought it through - he just doesn't seem to care about the impact of his actions... and to be honest he has been able to behave as inappropriately as he wanted to in the past, without there being any real consequences - he's still got his feet under your table.

He may feel that he hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm sure he knows deep down that he has, because he has once again put his wife in the position of feeling insecure and suspicious.

Trust has to be earned not learned.

He doesn't think he is risking his marriage as he has been there, done that, not confessed or admitted to it and you just carried on. So as far as he is concerned you will just put up and shut up next time.

Why should you have to monitor and check up on him?
How exhausting for your nerves.
You cannot police him. You cannot want a man who is only faithful because you are looking over his shoulder and as soon as your back is turned he's at it again.
You cannot stop him cheating.
Only he can.

You can control your future though
Decide what you can and cannot live with and stick to it.
Don't compromise on the important stuff. What would you say to a daughter in the same position?
There are worse things than being on your own and it's a bloody ecstatic relief getting an adulterous idiot out of your life.